


Let's talk about love, baby

by lunaloop



Series: Let's talk about life [2]
Category: SHINee
Genre: A few EXO members have cameos, Abuse, Agender Character, Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Bullying, Choi Minho best boy, Cute, Depression, Domestic Violence, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Happy Ending, Hospitals, Keykai siblings, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Lee Jinki also best boy, Love, M/M, Minkey best friends, Multi, Non-binary character, Polyamory, Romance, Sequel, So do Amber and Victoria and Taeyeon, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Trans Character, dark topics, no one dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-02-13 11:00:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 83,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21493207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaloop/pseuds/lunaloop
Summary: Taemin didn't hate Jonghyun. He had tried, but for some reason it was impossible for him to think ill of Key's boyfriend.Because, after all, Jonghyun was too kind for his own good - and maybe, Taemin was beginning to enjoy his presence a little too much.
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun/Kim Kibum | Key, Kim Jonghyun/Kim Kibum | Key/Lee Taemin, Kim Jonghyun/Lee Taemin, Kim Kibum | Key/Lee Taemin
Series: Let's talk about life [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1549129
Comments: 57
Kudos: 67





	1. I - Texting

**Author's Note:**

> Guyssssssss!!!
> 
> Hi, I'm finally back after five months. It literally took me that long to complete the sequel to this story, but I don't think that's too long considering the thing is novel-length - oops. I've got 80,000 words ready to be posted, so stay tuned!
> 
> Now onto the serious part. Please read it until the end.  
I've wondered quite a few times if I could - or should - really post this sequel. In my head, the story of Key and Taemin is much larger than anything I've ever written and anything I'll ever write, and it did not always have a happy ending either. Things have changed since then, but the course of this sequel didn't.  
This second part is a lot darker than the first one. It deals with topics such as suicide, depression and domestic abuse - I know that especially the first one is very hard to digest for a lot of us. I'm deliberately including myself here. I'm a Shawol, I love SHINee with all my heart and of course, I can never get over what happened.  
Jonghyun is a huge inspiration to me. And by that, I mean all of him - his soft smiles, his many happy moments, his smiles, but also the dark thoughts and the sadness and everything else.  
It's all part of him to some extent, and most importantly, it's part of this story as well, of Key's and Taemin's story. Therefore, I've tried to incorporate all these different sides into my writing.  
Trigger warning: The sequel does contain a suicide attempt. However, I can assure you there's NO major character death (I couldn't ever do that) and it's only a small part of the story. I will not force you to read anything you're uncomfortable with, but I will put trigger warnings at the start of some chapters - and I hope a few of you will stay. Writing that part was hard for me, but through my characters and especially through Taemin, I could finally process some of my own feelings regarding that topic.  
Now lastly, I want to say that I mean no harm to anyone - least of all to SHINee or Jjong. This is fiction, and at some point I felt like the characters were slowly becoming my own. Please always remember that. I respect SHINee and everyone else, so please don't think otherwise.
> 
> Thank you for reading until the end. As I said, I hope you'll stay with me during this journey. And I promise, there will be a lot of hope, and fluff, and cheesiness. 
> 
> I hope to see you guys again next update!

Taemin tried to hate Jonghyun, he really did. After all, Jonghyun had everything Taemin didn’t have – looks, age, a cute face, a beautiful voice, and Key.

But all of those things, the things that had once almost driven Taemin insane, made it impossibly hard for him to disdain Jonghyun now.

How could Taemin hate the man who made Key so happy? Who still treated him so kindly although he, too, loved Key?

After his confession, Taemin realized his crush must have been painfully obvious, even to Jonghyun. He had only met the other a couple of times, mostly in passing, but Taemin was now aware of the way he looked at Key.

Minho had kindly told him the day after Taemin had confessed.

“I told you so, Taemin,” he had said. “Key was probably aware of it all this time, at least subconsciously. Everyone was.”

These events had taken place a week ago. Ever since then, Taemin had seen neither Key nor Minho – he was a bit lonely, especially at school during lunch break.

There was another problem Taemin hadn’t really fixed yet, one his eyes had been set on for a while – Jongin. He and Taemin hadn’t talked to each other in weeks.

Originally, Taemin had wanted to clear things up many days ago, but the fiasco with Key’s father had put him in a state of trauma that was hard to recover from. After talking to Kibum, Taemin felt a little bit more reassured, but he still spent half of his time worrying about him.

Every time Taemin spotted Jongin in the crowd of students filling the hallways, he felt a pang of guilt in his chest. Now that he had neither Minho nor Kibum to turn to, it became all too obvious that Jongin had distanced himself from Taemin.

Actually, he had completely cut all of his ties with him – and the older boy didn’t know what to do.

Taemin stared at Jongin’s back in class, wondering where he always went as soon as the bell rang. He threw him secret, quick glances at dance practice, but the two of them had stopped stretching together a long time ago.

Whenever Jongin noticed Taemin’s staring, the younger boy would avert his eyes, if not go to another place altogether – and in all honesty, it hurt a bit.

Taemin didn’t want to be alone, but Kibum’s and Minho’s absence made him realize that he had missed the opportunity to get to know his classmates at the beginning of the year, when he was too preoccupied with dancing, English and Key to spare them a second glance.

“I’m always alone these days,” he complained to his parents over dinner that evening. “Kibum-hyung and Minho-hyung are both gone and I don’t have anyone to eat with or talk to.”

“What about Jongin-ah?” Taemin’s father asked as he filled up his plate for the second time. “Is he gone, too?”

“Jongin’s always somewhere else these days.”

Taemin didn’t say anything about the coldness that had settled between him and his best friend. His parents believed he and Jongin were still close, though it was nearly impossible for them not to notice the frequency with which Taemin talked about Kibum and the lack of times Jongin was mentioned at their table.

However, Taemin’s parents didn’t know anything about a fight. Were he and Jongin even fighting?

Taemin didn’t know.

After everyone had finished their food, he went to his room in a sullen mood, and the sight of his phone lying abandoned on his desk, void of any notifications or messages, gave him another thing to worry about – Kibum.

Taemin hadn’t heard from him in a week. They usually saw each other at school, so they had never gone more than a few days without talking. And the last time Taemin had seen Kibum, Jongin’s brother had been sick, injured and exhausted. Was he really okay?

Despite his worry, Taemin couldn’t bring himself to text Kibum, though. He felt that he would seem clingy if he did, and after his confession he wanted to be anything but. He was lucky enough that Kibum still wanted to be friends with him – Taemin wasn’t going to risk that.

With a heavy heart, he went to lie down on his bed, his phone in his hands, making the screen light up every few seconds to look for a new notification, anything. Taemin literally watched the minutes tick by.

He was so caught up in his repetitive actions that he almost dropped his phone on his face when the display finally lit up on its own, showing that he had received a new message.

The number of the sender was an unfamiliar one, which made Taemin frown. Who would text him randomly at such a time? He curiously unlocked his phone and read the message to himself in a low voice.

“Taemin-ah? This is Jonghyun.”

Now that was unexpected.

It was a very long message, a whole paragraph spaced out by a few cute little emoticons that made Taemin mouth stretch upwards. He felt a bit bewildered, though. Why would Jonghyun of all people text him?

“I meant to text you a few days ago, but it got delayed a bit. I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know that Bum is okay. He mentioned he didn’t talk to you in a while and I thought you would be worried. He was supposed to return home yesterday, but he’s still not feeling well, so I kept him here a little longer. Don’t worry too much, he won’t be in danger when he goes back, his father usually leaves him alone for a few weeks if a situation escalates that badly. Are you okay, by the way? It must have been a very shocking and painful thing to watch.”

Just when Taemin had finished reading the first one, another message popped up below it, slightly shorter this time.

“I probably should have called to tell you this, I’m sorry I wrote such a long message. But I’m not the best with phone calls, so I figured this would be better.”

Jonghyun had added a lot of cute smiley faces to the last message and the colorful little pictures made Taemin feel strangely at ease. He quickly typed out an answer to Jonghyun’s message.

“Thanks for telling me, hyung. I was actually a bit worried, but now it’s alright.”

After hitting send, Taemin thoughtfully stared at his phone for a few seconds. He felt strangely glad Jonghyun had texted him. At least he didn’t have to worry about Kibum anymore, knowing that he was in good hands.

Jonghyun’s next text arrived sooner than expected, only a minute after Taemin had sent his message. Kibum’s boyfriend must be a fast typer, Taemin figured.

“I just wanted to tell you. Bum has told me a lot about you in the last few days and it sounded like you really care about him. And I know what it’s like to worry about him – I didn’t want you to feel that.”

“That’s kind of you, hyung. It’s true, we got close very fast. But I really support hyung and I want him to be happy being the person he is – he deserves it.”

“I wanted to thank you for staying too, Taemin-ah. It really means a lot. Kibum hasn’t come out to a lot of people because of his father and what happened at his first high school. You mean a lot to him, too, he sounds very fond when talking about you.”

The warm feeling that had started to settle in Taemin’s stomach only grew with each of Jonghyun’s words. It felt good, _reassuring_ to hear that Kibum still liked him. He had been afraid the confession would make them drift apart, but it seemed that Kibum hadn’t lied when he said he still wanted to be friends with Taemin.

Nonetheless, Jonghyun’s message made Taemin feel a bit guilty as well. He wasn’t completely sure if the older knew about his crush, but the last thing he wanted to do was rub it in Jonghyun’s face.

Though for some odd reason, the thought of Kibum’s and Jonghyun’s relationship made Taemin feel a bit more at ease, even if it meant that he could never have Kibum to himself.

“You’re doing such a great job, though, hyung,” Taemin quickly wrote back. “Kibum-hyung is really, really grateful to you and honestly, I think your relationship is beautiful.”

He blushed a bit when he realized how straight-forward his text was, yet he didn’t hesitate before hitting send. Jonghyun deserved the praise more than Taemin did.

This time, it took the older boy a little longer to answer. Taemin was already worried that he had scared Kibum’s boyfriend away when a new message finally showed on the phone. Once again, it was a very long one and Taemin could vividly imagine Jonghyun’s soft voice reading out the words he had written.

“Kibum means the world to me. I love him so much that I can’t even voice it out and without him, I don’t even know where I would be today. I need him, but sometimes I worry that he will move on. He’s so strong and I’m afraid that one day he won’t have to depend on me anymore while I’m still stuck. I know I’ll always need him. But really, thank you for your message. It took away some of that doubt, at least for a few moments.”

A few seconds later, a second text arrived.

“Ah, why am I writing stuff like this? I’m sorry, I’m just too sentimental sometimes.”

Reading Jonghyun’s message left Taemin choked up. He couldn’t pinpoint what had triggered it exactly, but there was a kind of sadness hidden between the lines of Jonghyun’s message that Taemin felt deep inside his own chest.

Suddenly, he remembered Kibum telling him about Jonghyun’s bouts of depression and the corners of Taemin’s mouth sunk. Jonghyun didn’t deserve to feel insecure about his relationship or himself, but it was becoming all too obvious that he did.

“It’s alright, hyung, please don’t worry,” Taemin typed.

He wanted, he _needed_ to cheer Jonghyun up so that the other would feel better about himself.

“I know Kibum-hyung loves you, he told me so many times. To be honest, I heard many things about you from different people and you seem like an amazing person. And I mean, we haven’t talked much so far, but I think I agree – you seem really kind. Please remember that, hyung.”

“I don’t even know why I just told you all of this,” Jonghyun answered merely a few seconds later. “I just feel like I can trust you, it’s weird.”

“That’s really weird because I definitely can’t be trusted.”

Taemin tried to sneak in a joke. There was a foolish spark of hope in his chest that he could perhaps make Jonghyun smile with his words. Miraculously, it did seem to work. The older boy’s next message sounded much more positive than his previous one, and Taemin’s chest swelled with pride.

“Are you a cheater? Or a criminal? Should I be worried?”

Chuckling quietly, he typed a reply just as sarcastic as the text he had just received.

Taemin’s conversation with Jonghyun went on for quite a while and he quickly discovered that Kibum’s boyfriend was a lot wittier than he had thought at first. Talking to Jonghyun felt natural, almost as natural as conversations he had had with Minho or Kibum, and Taemin was a little disappointed when the older announced he would go to bed now.

He put his phone away after saying goodnight to Jonghyun, but Taemin didn’t go to sleep immediately. Instead, he stared at the ceiling while pondering on his talk with Jonghyun.

He really couldn’t hate Kibum’s boyfriend, no matter how hard he tried. In fact, he wanted to get to know him and his desire got worse each time he talked to him.

Taemin didn’t hate Jonghyun. And he didn’t hate the fact that he was Kibum’s boyfriend either. In fact, Taemin was beginning to love it a little too much.


	2. II - Promise

Taemin didn’t remember how texting Jonghyun became a habit. All he knew was that he had been doing said thing an awful lot lately, especially during the time when neither Minho nor Kibum were around him.

At first, Taemin tried to talk to his classmates and make a few acquaintances if not friends, all good resolutions after his worries about Kibum had been soothed. But he soon realized none of the fellow students seemed too interested in becoming friends with him.

They answered his questions politely, but their quick retreats and the wary stares he received told him enough.

Taemin’s only distraction was his phone. He didn’t understand why the other students in his grade seemed so closed off, but texting made him forget about it easily – Jonghyun was good at conversing, he was funny and his messages made Taemin snicker.

A few days after he had first received a message from Kibum’s boyfriend, Taemin got another text. This time, it was from Kibum himself, though, and Taemin read it with a bubbly, happy feeling in his stomach.

“Taem-ah, I’m sorry I didn’t text you earlier. I’m coming back to school tomorrow!”

Taemin felt relieved at the prospect of getting Kibum back. Even though he liked texting Jonghyun, he was aware that him constantly looking at his phone didn’t make him appear friendly or open.

He was still set on the idea of making new friends in his grade after realizing that he couldn’t depend on Minho and Kibum all the time. There was also the problem with Jongin which Taemin still hadn’t tried to solve.

At the sight of his best friend, his stomach was now filled with cold dread which only made Taemin feel sick whenever he met Jongin’s gaze. The younger boy looked at him without any emotion, almost as if he was seeing right through him, and in those moments, Taemin could hardly take the guilt.

That afternoon at dance practice, Taemin tried to distract himself by thinking about Kibum. Ever since he had confessed to his crush, he felt like he had gained the right to keep him in his thoughts whenever he wanted to.

However, today Taemin could only think of the similarities between Jongin and Kibum, the traits that unmistakably showed they were brothers, the little quirks they shared.

When the dance instructor had finally called it quits for the day, Taemin quickly went to the locker rooms hoping to find a text from Jonghyun. He was disappointed – there were no new messages when he checked his phone.

Trying to ignore the feeling of negativity that had been haunting him all day, Taemin changed and left before Jongin returned from the showers – he couldn’t face the other boy now.

Taemin walked out of the building at a fast pace, urgent to leave the school behind for the day. However, a familiar voice calling his name as he passed through parking lot made him freeze mid-movement.

Taemin’s head whipped around as he looked for the source of the noise and his searching eyes soon found the hooded figure standing next to a small, shabby-looking car, waving shyly at him.

From a distance, Jonghyun looked even tinier than usual. However, Taemin later concluded that it might have been his outfit, the giant sweater that dwarfed his frame even and covered his small hands.

“Taemin-ah,” Jonghyun called again while fiddling with the hems of his sleeves.

Hearing his own name from Jonghyun’s lips sounded unfamiliar, Taemin realized, but he decided that he liked the sound of it. He bowed slightly when he reached the older boy.

“Hyung, what are you doing here?”

A second later, he realized he had comfortably addressed Jonghyun as ‘hyung’ without asking. A wave of panic hit Taemin, but then he remembered all the messages they had exchanged over the last week. They weren’t strangers, were they?

“Um, I…”

It wasn’t like Jonghyun to have trouble expressing his thoughts. From the few times they had met, Taemin knew just how articulate he could be, but right now, Jonghyun was stuttering. When Taemin looked up, he noticed the bags under the older boy’s eyes – their sight made his chest contract. It was an odd feeling, one that he was quite familiar with.

“I have a favor to ask of you,” Jonghyun finally got out, his voice sounding firmer than before. “I didn’t want to discuss it over text, so I came here.”

“You didn’t have to, hyung,” Taemin quickly said, yet a mere second later he suddenly remembered that Jonghyun didn’t like phonecalls. He could have slapped himself for his stupid comment.

Taemin cleared his throat and went to correct himself.

“I’m glad you did, though. What can I do?”

Jonghyun looked at him for a few moments through dark eyes, then took a deep breath.

“Bum is coming back to school tomorrow. I know she’s usually independent and just fine on her own, but the recent events left her pretty shaken up. She’s never stayed at my place this long before and she pretends to be fine, but I can tell she isn’t.

“I know Minho does a great job at caring for her, but he’s away playing volleyball and I felt like…this is different. You saw what happened. You were with her. Could you maybe take care of her when she needs it?”

Jonghyun bit his lip as if he was holding himself back from saying more, but then he added, “I’m sorry if I’m asking too much of you. I just thought that you were the right person and…”

“I’ll do it!” Taemin replied, even though he didn’t feel confident at all.

He still remembered Key crying, breaking right in front of him and deep down, he knew he couldn’t do anything. But if it made Jonghyun feel better, he would promise to do what he would do anyway – look out for Key and make her day as easy as possible for her.

“Don’t worry, hyung,” Taemin added when he noticed the troubled expression on Jonghyun’s face. “I’ve got you there. I have one question, though…”

“Oh, what is it?”

“I’m sorry if this sounds intrusive, but- Why do you call Key-noona ‘Bum’ when she’s Key-noona?”

“Oh, that.”

For the first time since they met, a tiny smile appeared on Jonghyun’s face.

“It’s kind of my special nickname for her. It’s a short for Kibum, of course, but mostly a term of endearment. She asked me to keep calling her that, it’s our thing. She also calls me hyung exclusively, like she does with Jinki-hyung.”

“That makes sense.”

For some odd reason Taemin couldn’t explain, the thought of Jonghyun’s and Key’s special nicknames for each other made Taemin’s hands and chest feel warm.

“Thank you, Taemin,” Jonghyun said. “For helping me out. Do you need a ride home?”

“I-if it’s not too much trouble?” Taemin stammered, voice cracking.

He didn’t know what was happening, but all of a sudden he felt terribly shy. However, Jonghyun just laughed again and gestured at the car.

“Get in then. It’s only a small car, but it’s clean inside I swear.”

When Taemin climbed into the vehicle as Jonghyun had told him, he was pleasantly surprised by the inside of the car. The seats were clean as promised and there was a nice, sweet smell lingering in the air.

Usually, Taemin disliked riding in other people’s cars. He hated the unfamiliar smell and the fact that most of them were full of trash and dust. But something about Jonghyun’s car made him feel relaxed and safe, like he could fall asleep right away.

He took a deep breath, taking in the pleasant scent and closing his eyes in the process. When he opened them again after some time, he found Jonghyun looking at him curiously. His eyes were round and wide and Taemin couldn’t help thinking that the older really did resemble a puppy sometimes.

“I…It smells nice in here,” Taemin blushed, answering Jonghyun’s unspoken question.

“That’s my scented candle,” the older replied as he started the car, “sometimes Kibum and I like to sit in here together and relax. It’s a small, confined space and we make it feel like home.”

“That’s nice. Is the car yours?”

“I guess you could say that. You know the motorcycle I ride sometimes? My sister bought both and it was a package deal – really cheap and all.”

“Wow, I’m jealous.”

Taemin didn’t mention the first and only time he had seen Jonghyun ride his motorcycle, when he had first seen him with Key. Back then, burning jealousy had cursed through his veins, but now he just admired Jonghyun for knowing how to ride a motorbike.

They spent the rest of the ride chattering mindlessly, though Taemin did most of the talking. In the twenty minutes they were together, the younger realized Jonghyun was an amazing listener. He always seemed alert, nodding along to whatever Taemin was saying, and his soft eyes showed that he actually cared.

“Thanks for the ride, hyung!”

Taemin bowed again when Jonghyun dropped him off.

“It was no problem! I’ll see you around, Min-ah?”

It was only after Jonghyun had driven off that Taemin realized the negativity in his stomach had transformed into a contentedness that seemed to fill him up to the brim. He felt settled after talking to Jonghyun, and suddenly the world didn’t look so bad anymore.

Key would return tomorrow, Taemin wouldn’t be alone and somehow, he would manage to solve his problems with Jongin, too. He knew it.

_____________________________

“Taemin-ah!”

Key greeted him as enthusiastically as Taemin had expected her to. He could barely keep her from picking him up and spinning him around – despite his recent growth spurt, Taemin had to shamelessly admit that Key was still a bit taller than him.

She smiled at him fondly, looking happier than he had seen her in weeks, but Taemin couldn’t help noticing the way her arms were pressed against her sides tightly. She was definitely uncomfortable in her uniform.

“Noona, I missed you!” Taemin smiled. “Why weren’t you on the bus this morning?”

“Jjong gave Jongin and me a ride. I had to spend some time with my baby brother, he was pretty pissed because I wasn’t home for so long. But I didn’t want him to worry about…stuff.”

Key’s eyes darkened for a moment and Taemin remembered the promise he had made. Therefore, he quickly decided to distract Key by starting to complain about school.

“I was so lonely without you, noona!” he whined. “Stupid Mango-hyung, why does he have to play volleyball all the time?”

“I’ll tell him you said that.”

“Please don’t, he’ll spike me into the ground.”

Taemin shuddered at the thought but went on mindlessly, “I tried to make friends in my grade, but it didn’t work. Either I give off a really gloomy and antisocial vibe, or my classmates are trying to avoid me.”

Key frowned at his words.

“Are you serious? Do you know if they’re talking about you behind your back?”

Taemin realized after a bit that she must be thinking about her own past and quickly shook his head, giving Key his most blinding smile.

“Don’t worry, noona! It’s not like that! Besides, I don’t need them anyway. I have you, and Mango…”

Little did Taemin know that Key’s intuition was exceptionally good sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting on me guys. 
> 
> I was planning to update last Sunday, but out of respect for Goo Hara, I decided not to. 
> 
> I hope you are all doing alright even in these dark times. December is always hard, but together, we can fill it with warmth and love and happy memories. Still, if you're struggling, that is just as valid! Whether it be because of Jjong, because of Hara, or someone else who has left, or a whole different reason - it's okay. 
> 
> I won't lie. These past two months, I have really been struggling too and my mental health has been deterioriating. But I've set a goal for myself to go and get help, to talk to those who can support me and show me a way out. Yesterday, I met someone who's experiencing the same thing and going through the same struggles - I cried because it was my first time ever talking to someone in real life who knows what I'm going through. Just knowing I'm not on my own does so much.
> 
> And I wanna say that you aren't alone either. There are people who care about you (seriously, I will care about you and your story even if we don't know each other). Whether you talk about it or not, you aren't alone. Please remember that.
> 
> I don't really know why I just poured my heart out here. I guess it's just something that needs to be said, especially during this month. Please take care <3


	3. III - Aware

Another three weeks passed until Taemin first noticed the whispers. Later, he wondered why he had not heard them before.

However, he was very busy at the moment, which was probably the main reason. He had successfully completed his first small dance competition where he had won second place despite the fierce competition.

In addition to that, the teachers had also been giving their students a lot more homework than before. They were obviously convinced the pupils had gotten used to high school now, so they could shoulder ridiculous amounts of work.

Taemin was still struggling with English, but Kibum occasionally helped him during their lunch breaks. It was obvious he was busier than before as well, just like Minho.

The two were in their last year of high school and their finals were steadily approaching. Therefore, Taemin was left alone a lot more than he would have liked. His only comfort were the messages he exchanged with Jonghyun – they always managed to get him through another lonely afternoon when Kibum and Minho were studying at the library.

Meanwhile, the situation with Jongin still hadn’t gotten better. If anything, it was worse than ever before. Taemin now avoided his former best friend like the plague and his mere sight made him stop on his tracks and turn around instantly.

Taemin was a coward and he knew it.

He tried to convince himself that it was fine, that Jongin was the one who had first stopped talking to him. But Taemin knew very well that he was lying to himself.

He managed to avoid the topic for a few more weeks, but eventually even Kibum started nagging, asking why he never saw the two of them together anymore.

“You used to live together, Taem, literally!” Kibum said one morning. “Without him, the two of us never would have met. Why aren’t you talking to him anymore?”

“I…I don’t know, hyung,” Taemin sheepishly admitted, a blush coating his cheeks.

For once, he wasn’t nervous because of Kibum’s presence – he dreaded the scolding he was undoubtedly going to receive from Jongin’s sibling. Kibum could be very scary when he was angry.

Taemin’s hunch had been right. He was hit by a three-minute monologue before Kibum threw him a fierce glance, his hands on his hips.

“Seriously, Tae, I won’t talk to you until you two have made up, starting from now on. Bye!”

Consequently, he spun around on his heels and rushed away, leaving an intimidated Taemin behind.

At that point, Taemin knew something had to happen. He was going to m_ake something happen_. He stood there for a few more moments, trying to muster up all the courage he would need when talking to Jongin.

The younger boy had seemed nothing but hostile towards him these past weeks, and Taemin didn’t know if his cowardly self could stand it.

His heart was pounding faster than usual as he strolled over to a group of people from his homeroom. He had never talked to them before, partly because they had been among the ones that seemed to show him their backs whenever he approached them.

Now, they also seemed closed off, taking a few steps away from Taemin as soon as they saw him come near, but this time he didn’t let their reaction stop him.

“Excuse me, have you seen Jongin? I’m looking for him,” he asked in a voice that sounded too squeaky for his own liking. “Is he-“

“He’s not here,” one of the girls told him without letting him finish his question.

Her arms were crossed in front of her chest and it was obvious that she was just waiting for Taemin to leave – so he did. As he walked away, however, he heard them whisper to each other and with a heavy heart, he wondered what they had to say about him.

The rest of the break passed in a similar fashion. Taemin tried to approach a few people from his grade, but they all turned away. By now, he was getting increasingly frustrated. He didn’t know what these students had to whisper about, but didn’t recall doing anything to upset them.

The only one he had wronged was Jongin, but that wasn’t a reason for his entire year to hate him, was it?

Taemin was on the verge of giving up as he walked towards his Science classroom. But, could he really risk Kibum’s company over this?

He sighed dejectedly and rested his head on top of the table. He shouldn’t have waited this long to talk to Jongin – otherwise, he wouldn’t be in this mess right now.

Kibum had really picked the worst of all days to confront Taemin. Today, he didn’t have a single class with Jongin, not even dance practice. Therefore, he was stuck running around and looking for him.

His Science class passed by in an agonizingly slow fashion. The teacher talked on and on about a phenomenon in nature and the class had lost interest a long while ago.

Taemin was in a weird mood. Ever since the break, he was overly aware of each glance he received, each time a classmate of his looked over only to turn their head and whisper something to their neighbor afterwards.

Suddenly, it was painfully obvious how much of an outsider Taemin was. He had never noticed, too preoccupied with Minho and Kibum and his own worries to notice – but now, he was even more than just an outcast.

All the other students seemed to know something about him, something they liked to whisper about – something Taemin himself didn’t know.

How did he never notice the stares and whispers before?

The question was stuck in Taemin’s head and every time he felt another stare bore into his skin, it seemed to light up in his front of his inner eye.

Taemin hadn’t been bothered by the whispers before, but now that he had noticed them they were everywhere suddenly. He felt incredibly uncomfortable as he staggered down the hallway, his posture too stiff and his moves not grateful enough for a dancer.

Was that how Key had felt at her old school?

The sudden thought made Taemin feel sick to his stomach. He had only been enduring this situation for half a day, and he knew Key’s situation must have been far worse than his. Judging by how he felt right now, it had been pure hell.

Kibum’s face on his mind reminded Taemin of his original goal for today. He needed to find Jongin and talk to him as soon as possible. If he apologized, maybe they could be friends again. Maybe that would stop the whispers.

It was lunch break now and Taemin’s shoulders were slumped in dejection. He wished Kibum was with him, but the older had abandoned him – rightfully, of course.

Taemin began to jog down the corridors, frantically searching for Jongin everywhere just so that he could get their talk over with. He wasn’t even afraid anymore, he just wanted to find his best friend.

After looking pretty much everywhere, in every unlocked classroom and outside, Taemin finally knew where Jongin was. He had hoped he wouldn’t find him there, had prayed their confrontation would happen elsewhere, but maybe he didn’t deserve to be lucky anymore.

With a heavy heart, Taemin headed to the cafeteria.

His intuition was right. Within a few seconds, he spotted Jongin sitting at one of the tables eating his lunch. He was laughing and talking animatedly – Jongin was surrounded by people, Taemin realized.

He felt a painful stab inside his chest at that sight. It hadn’t occurred to him before that while Taemin had grown closer and closer to Minho and Kibum, Jongin had found new friends of his own.

The younger boy seemed to fit in perfectly with the people he was sitting with, better than he had ever fit in with Taemin, and it _hurt_. For the first time since he had realized how unfairly he had treated Jongin, Taemin knew just how bad it had gotten.

He approached the table with a frown. More cautious than ever, he drew closer and closer, always afraid that Jongin may end up turning him down like everyone else had.

Jongin didn’t notice Taemin until he was standing right behind of him, his firm gaze boring into his back. Actually, it was the guy next to Jongin who first pointed out Taemin’s presence.

He had dark hair, like most of the students, but it was longer than average, reaching down past his chin and framing his face nicely. Taemin doubted he was his and Jongin’s age and the thought made his heart flutter nervously.

“Taemin.”

Jongin’s voice didn’t contain a single bit of emotion. It wasn’t too quiet, just loud enough for Taemin to understand, and could have almost sounded neutral, if it hadn’t been for the stony expression that had replaced Jongin’s grin within seconds.

“We need to talk, Jongin.”

Taemin suddenly felt the strange urge to laugh – this was ridiculous. They were behaving like characters in an American high school movie, but why? Just because they hadn’t talked to each other in a while?

He and Jongin had been friends for years– such a short amount of time wouldn’t – shouldn’t – be able to change that.

“I agree,” Jongin lowered his head in a gesture that seemed almost submissive, but when he looked up again, Taemin shuddered at the fire in his eyes.

Never had he ever felt intimidated by Jongin before, despite his muscular built and his tall height. But Jongin had always been Jongin, younger than Taemin by half a year and definitely still a child at heart.

However, now all that childishness seemed to have vanished. Jongin was glaring at Taemin and it made the older boy feel sick with guilt and fear.

“How come you’re talking to me now all of a sudden?” Jongin asked, his tone light yet his words provoking. “Did you finally remember I exist?”

“I didn’t forget about you,” Taemin truthfully answered, “but…”

Suddenly, he became overly aware of the fact that all of Jongin’s friends were staring at him. Most of them looked curious, confused at most, but to Taemin their gazes felt cold and hostile.

“Can we please talk somewhere else?” he asked. “I’d rather not…”

“Are you afraid? Of what? Do you think people are going to judge you for being such a good friend?”

Jongin’s voice was dripping with sarcasm now but Taemin couldn’t find it in himself to wonder where his best friend had learned to talk like that. He just hoped, wished, prayed that Jongin would cave instead of making a big deal out of their talk.

Funnily, Taemin’s savior wasn’t Jongin himself, nor was it a knight in shining armor or an angel clad in white.

Instead, it was the guy sitting across from Jongin who spoke up in a quiet, calm voice.

“He’s right, Jongin-ah. I think you should discuss this elsewhere.”

“But I-“

“I’m serious, Jongin. Don’t test me.”

The boy looked absolutely composed yet there was a threat lingering in his voice, so subtle that Taemin almost missed it. Jongin rolled his eyes to express his disagreement but obeyed anyway.

“Fine, hyung,” he sighed. “I’ll be back.”

He got up, an action that had Taemin stumbling back a few steps. Jongin looked at him expectantly.

“So. Where do you want to go?”

Perplexed, Taemin turned around to lead the way. He didn’t turn around when they exited the cafeteria, mostly to avoid seeing the other students stare at him again. However, he could still feel their gazes burning holes into his back and leaving his skin crawling as he lead Jongin to a familiar place.

Soon, they found themselves in a hallway Taemin himself knew all too well. Over two months ago, Minho had cornered and threatened him here after he had found out about Key.

Taemin remembered being scared back then and if he was being honest, he didn’t feel much better now. He had a hunch that his talk with Jongin would end in a catastrophe and the grim expression on his best friend’s face seemed to confirm his fears.

“Happy now?” Jongin bellowed, startling Taemin.

“I am. I didn’t wanna talk to you in front of the others. Something’s weird – I only noticed it today, but everyone seems to be talking about me behind my back. Do you know anything about that topic?”

Jongin’s answer came immediately, but he didn’t meet Taemin’s eyes as he said, “what would I know? Don’t you think I’ve got better things to do than follow you around like a lovesick puppy? You’re a bigger idiot than I thought.”

“Stop it, Jongin,” Taemin pleaded. “I came here to say sorry. I’ve been thinking about this for so long – I’m sorry I abandoned you. I know I should have talked to you more and I really didn’t mean to leave you behind or anything.

“But I was really busy with my English tutoring and then a lot of other things happened…”

He stopped mid-sentence, remembering what Kibum had told him – Jongin didn’t know what his father had done.

“Anyway, I know I’m a coward. I should have apologized earlier, but I was too afraid it would be awkward. I probably screwed up even more by not talking to you, but Kibum-“

“Kibum, huh? Kibum!”

Jongin’s shout came so suddenly and without a warning that Taemin shut up immediately. It was only then that he noticed Jongin’s clenched fists, his quivering nostrils and the deep wrinkle between his brows.

Jongin was furious.

“Shut the fuck up, Taemin!” he yelled, his voice almost breaking from the force he had used. “Now you’re gonna listen to me! I don’t want you around Kibum, got it? I wish I’d never introduced you to each other because you just had to go and screw everything up!

“It’s one thing if you want to fuck with me, but I won’t let you hurt hyung. He’s gone through so much – you can’t even imagine how much – and I won’t let you break him more.”

“But I- Hyung and I are friends. Kibum-hyung trusts me.”

“Bullshit! I’m not stupid, Taemin, I saw the kind of mess you made. You fucked up, you put him through so much. He cried three days straight because he was afraid you wouldn’t accept him. You have no right to hurt him! You have no right to hurt my sibling.”

“But I never-“ Taemin tried again, but Jongin cut him off.

“He was happy as long as you weren’t here, Taemin! But you made him cry so often. You made him uncomfortable, you made him feel guilty because he’s different, you made him feel like he didn’t belong.

“You’re probably in love with him, aren’t you? Of course you are. You were in love with Key and now you’re in love with him. But I won’t let you do anything to him! I won’t let you destroy his relationship with Jonghyun-hyung!

“You’re only gonna make him cry and hurt more, and I don’t want you to hang out with him. I don’t want to talk to you either. Just fuck off, Taemin, fuck off and never talk to any of us again.”

“But Jongin, I…”

Despite all of the ways Taemin had thought up to calm Jongin, despite all of the potential answers, he was at a loss for words right now. Finally, it occurred to him that the reason why Jongin was mad was entirely different from what Taemin had assumed.

He had abandoned his best friend, but all Jongin worried about was Kibum. Suddenly, Taemin remembered the way Jongin had spoken of Jonghyun and Kibum, his voice full of fondness and approval, and it all made sense.

Jongin was scared Taemin would destroy the relationship between his sibling and Jonghyun. And if he was honest with himself, hadn’t he started to do so already, even without meaning to? Hadn’t he kissed Key back that afternoon in the park? Hadn’t he confessed to Kibum despite knowing he was happy?

Taemin’s guilty silence seemed to encourage Jongin further, since the younger boy’s voice only became louder as he went on.

“I wish I had never let you in my life! I wish we had never met at all! I can’t see Kibum suffer because of you, you don’t even have any idea how much it hurts me to see him cry.”

He swore again. Then his gaze darkened.

“But I think you deserve to feel a bit of that pain, for trying to meddle with Jonghyun and Kibum. You know, at first I felt bad because people were calling you a freak, but it actually serves you right.”

“Wh-what?”

Taemin’s jaw dropped. He couldn’t believe what he had just heard.

“What do they say?” he choked out. “Please, Jongin, what do they say about me? I didn’t even-“

“They call you a freak. Girls as well as boys – they know no one’s safe from you because you’d do it with anyone. Oh god, I wish you had looked for another victim, I wish you hadn’t chosen Kibum-hyung…”

Throughout Jongin’s speech, all color had drained from Taemin’s face. His – former – best friend hadn’t voiced it out completely, but Taemin could guess all too well what reality looked like.

“They… They know…”

It took him a few tries to find his voice and when he did, he couldn’t get out more than a hoarse stammer, almost being drowned out by Jongin’s angry, ragged breathing.

“They know about- That I’m… That I like boys, too.”

Suddenly, Taemin felt like his whole world was crashing down around him. He wished he didn’t know the meaning of his own words, but it was all too clear, he could tell by the shadow of guilt that painted Jongin’s face darker for the split of a second.

Taemin’s bottom lip was quivering wildly as he forced himself to look at Jongin.

“Y-you told them,” he whispered, more to himself than to anyone else. “No one else knows, only you and Kibum-hyung and Minho-hyung – but they wouldn’t have… I’m not even out to my parents yet. Why would you tell them, Jongin?”

“Look, I didn’t mean to,” Jongin said in a tone that was supposed to be lighthearted, though he didn’t seem so sure of himself anymore. “It wasn’t my intention, but I- I heard those girls talking about you and how cute you were and it made me so angry because I knew you loved Kibum-hyung and you were going to hurt him.

“So I told them they didn’t know you at all, and then it kind of…slipped. I didn’t know they’d tell everyone else immediately, okay?”

“You didn’t know…” Taemin wanted to repeated, but the words got lost long before they could leave his mouth.

Pale as a ghost, he turned around and staggered into the direction they had come from, off to somewhere else, off to a place where he didn’t have to look at Jongin anymore. In a trance-like state he wandered through the school, and suddenly, no one felt the need to keep their voice down around him anymore.

He could hear them all, all the whispers of, “there he goes – watch out, he’s a pervert! He’ll try to touch you.” “He’s going to hell, doesn’t he know?” “I thought he was kind of cool, but he’s disgusting. I wouldn’t even let him borrow my pencil.”

“Freak.”

“Faggot.”

The choir of whispers was haunting Taemin and finally, the realization hit him, right in the middle of the corridor.

He dashed.

He ran on and fled into the nearest bathroom where he locked himself in, trying to keep down the sound of his sobs.

No one came to look for Taemin. No one bothered him.

He stayed inside the bathroom stall for a long time until he felt drained of everything – thoughts, tears, questions, emotions.

Where could he go? Who could he talk to?

Definitely not Kibum or Minho – they had gone through this before and would probably not be able to help anyway. But no one else knew – Taemin had never told anyone about his preferences except for Jongin.

He was truly on his own now.

Taemin spent a few more minutes staring at the scribble-filled door of his cubicle before a single name came to his mind. He pulled out his phone and dialed a number, hesitating only for a moment because he knew the person he wanted to talk to didn’t like phone calls.

Then he pressed the green button.

Jonghyun picked up after the second ring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (pls don't hate me for this. and don't hate jongin. he isn't a bad person.)


	4. IV - Listen

“Taemin-ah? Is that you?”

There was no awkwardness in Jonghyun’s melodious voice whatsoever when he answered the call, even though he had claimed to hate conversations over the phone. Instead, Kibum’s boyfriend sounded genuinely worried, especially when Taemin didn’t reply instantly.

“Why are you calling, Taemin-ah? Did something happen? Is anything wrong with Kibum?”

Of course, Jonghyun would immediately think about his boyfriend. It was no wonder, really, Taemin realized – Kibum was the reason he and Jonghyun had started talking after all.

For a brief moment, he wondered if he had called the wrong person.

“Are you okay, Taemin?” Jonghyun asked again.

Taemin let out a gross sniffle, trying to get rid of the snot he had gotten all over his face within the last minutes.

“H-hyung- I’m…”

He halted, as he was at a loss for what to say. How would he explain? Jonghyun hardly knew anything about Taemin, he didn’t know anything about his friendship with Jongin. What was Taemin going to tell him?

“Something happened, didn’t it?” Jonghyun asked in a soft voice. “You were crying a minute ago, I can hear it in your voice. But don’t worry – you don’t have to tell me now. Take it slow, you have a lot of time.”

His tone was gentle and light, void of any coaxing. Taemin felt the pressure on his chest and shoulders lift a little. He didn’t want to be pushed right now, wouldn’t be able to take it, and Jonghyun knew.

“Thanks, hyung,” he shakily breathed.

After that, Taemin went silent for a few moments. He tried not to think too much, something he had terribly failed at a few minutes ago. Yet strangely, Jonghyun’s slow breathing at the other end of the line, his mere _presence_ made Taemin feel a little bit calmer.

If he just thought about Jonghyun, he didn’t have to think about school, about his classmates and what they thought of him.

So Taemin tried to remember everything he knew about Jonghyun. He tried to remember all the little details, from what his hair had looked like on the short ride they had shared to the small yet endearing bits of information Kibum would into their conversations every now and then.

Thinking about Jonghyun helped a surprising amount. Soon enough, Taemin felt a lot more stable than before. When he was sure he wouldn’t burst into tears the second he opened his mouth, he took a deep breath, ready to start talking.

“Jongin and I were best friends, hyung,” he stated, and the use of the past tense hurt him so much that Taemin had to stop talking for a second.

“I know,” Jonghyun quietly said, “Kibum-ah told me.”

“We met in the first year of middle school and lived together at the boarding school for three years,” Taemin slowly went on after a short pause. “We shared everything, you know, like real best friends do. I don’t have any siblings, but I used to think that Jongin was so much better than any brother. I trusted him with my life, he knew everything about me and, well, I thought I knew a lot about him.”

At that phrase, Taemin involuntarily let out a little chuckle.

“That really sounds way more dramatic than it is. My point is just that Jongin never even mentioned how much Kibum-hyung was struggling and how hard it was for him to witness all that. He spoke about him once or twice, but until this year I didn’t know the whole story.”

Jonghyun didn’t interrupt Taemin, nor did he make any sound. However, for some reason Taemin knew that the older was listening attentively and that thought encouraged him to go on.

“Well, that’s not even my point, hyung. The point is, when I met Kibum-hyung I started to…neglect Jongin for a bit?”

Now, Taemin had to be careful. He couldn’t mention anything that would make Jonghyun suspicious about his feelings for Kibum, since the last thing Taemin wanted to do was make him feel insecure in any way.

“I wanted to be hyung’s friend so bad, so I spent more and more time with him,” Taemin carefully said. “I kind of realized I was being unfair, too, but then I found out about Key and all that stuff and things happened and I always pushed Jongin to the back of my mind.

“But the longer I waited, the harder it became for me to actually go up and talk to him. Until today – Kibum-hyung told me he would ignore me until I had made up with Jongin. So I went up to him and asked if we could talk somewhere else.”

This was the part where it became harder to go on. Even though Taemin had mostly calmed down from his initial outburst, the scars he had suffered were still fresh. The memory of his conversation with Jongin was enough to bring tears to his eyes, but he was determined to finish his story in one go.

“He was really mad at me,” Taemin continued, his voice growing quieter bit by bit. “He accused me of a lot of things – of hurting Kibum, which I swear I have never done intentionally in my life – and told me to stay away from him.

“And then he said something…I don’t really remember how it slipped, but he admitted that he had told some girls from my grade that I was… That I liked-“

Taemin was unable to finish the sentence. It was too hard, too hard to admit something to Jonghyun that he hardly ever admitted to himself.

He didn’t even have a reason to be scared – after all, Jonghyun himself was gay or at least something along those lines. He had a boyfriend himself!

But there was something that kept Taemin from ending his story, from making the confession he still dreaded to this day.

Luckily for him, it was Jonghyun who he had called. Luckily for Taemin, Jonghyun was one of the most insightful and sensitive persons who knew when to speak and when not to. Now, he decided to finish Taemin’s sentence for him, ever so gently, like he was telling a secret.

“…you like boys.”

“I do, hyung,” Taemin confessed in a broken whisper.

His shoulders slumped when the words left his mouth and his torso flopped forward, almost making him fall off the toilet lid. Suddenly, Taemin felt incredibly tired.

“I like both,” he told Jonghyun simply for the sake of finishing his story. “Jongin is the only one I ever really came out to, I didn’t even tell my parents. Until now, it never really mattered anyway.

“But now everyone in my grade knows and they are talking about me. I feel their stares on me whenever I walk down the hallways – no one even wants to speak to me anymore. Jongin said he was angry and didn’t mean to say it, but I- I just don’t understand, hyung. How could he tell them? How could he say something like that, even if he didn’t mean to?”

“I’m sorry, Taemin,” Jonghyun whispered into the phone and he sounded like he was feeling all of Taemin’s pain. “It must hurt a lot and there’s probably nothing I can do to make you feel better. You didn’t deserve this.

“You probably know that it wasn’t that nice of you to neglect Jongin, but that doesn’t give him the right to tell everyone your secret. He’s probably regretting it, but now it’s too late. This really feels like what happened to Key all over again…”

When Jonghyun trailed off, Taemin felt a pang of guilt in his chest.

“I’m sorry I told you, hyung,” he murmured. “I didn’t want to burden you. But there’s no one else I can talk to and-“

“Don’t feel sorry, Taemin!”

For the first time throughout their conversation, Jonghyun’s voice sounded stern.

“It’s okay, I’m not burdened. But why didn’t you tell Bum?”

“He’d be so disappointed! And I didn’t want to remind him of the time when people were talking about him. He keeps saying he’s over it, but I know it’s still taking a toll on him. I didn’t want to bother him with it. Same goes for Minho.”

“So I guess calling me was definitely the right choice,” Jonghyun said. “Do you want me to come pick you up? I’m guessing you probably don’t want to go to class right now.”

“Would you- You would do that?”

Taemin bit his lip – could he really take Jonghyun up on that offer? The older seemed all too generous, but deep down, Taemin knew he had already made his decision.

“Please pick me up, hyung. I don’t think I can take more of the stares today. And – thank you for everything. Thank you for taking my call and listening to me. I’m really, really grateful, hyung!”

Taemin could feel himself getting choked up again, this time because he was so overwhelmed by Jonghyun’s kindness. He heard the older laugh quietly on the other end of the line and if Taemin had been in a different state of mind, he would have noted how strangely sad Jonghyun sounded when he replied.

“Don’t worry, Taemin-ah. It’s alright. You’re going to be just fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a short chapter for tonight guys. there's two reasons why i cut this one a bit short - one, i wanted to seperate this part of the story from what comes next. please be aware that things will turn darker very soon (i'll definitely put trigger warnings before some passages), at least for a while. the second reason why this isn't very long is because i didn't want to post the part that comes after today.
> 
> this week is already going to be hard on most of us, and i think right now, it would hit a little too hard. i may sound really ominous rn, but dw, i'll keep posting. also, i've said this before, but this story will have a happy ending. it just deals with stuff that i think should be spoken about and it also helped me work through my own experiences.
> 
> to make this short, you'll get the next chapter sometimes around christmas. please take care of yourself next week, especially on wednesday. do whatever you need or want to do, whatever your ritual may be, think of jjong or don't think of him at all, light a candle, buy a rose, sing a song - everything is okay and valid if it helps you get through the day. and i personally really believe jjong is watching us - and that he's probably as proud of us as we are of him. 
> 
> take care!


	5. V - To Rest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:
> 
> Depression  
Suicide attempt
> 
> PLEASE BE CAREFUL.

Jonghyun, being the epitome of a nice person, treated Taemin at an ice cream shop downtown before dropping him off at home. As the younger drowned his sadness in chocolate sauce, he ranted on and on and Jonghyun listened patiently.

Later, Taemin realized how gifted Jonghyun was – his listening skills really were extraordinary.

When Jonghyun looked at Taemin with his brown puppy eyes, the younger didn’t feel as hopeless anymore. Maybe, things could get better despite the things Jongin had done. Maybe, he could get over it. Maybe, Taemin could recover from this shock.

Thanks to Kim Jonghyun, Taemin’s day didn’t end in a disaster. Instead, he felt reassured when he went to bed, knowing there was one more person in his life who he could talk to, who would always listen.

___________________________________

Key returned to Taemin’s side the very next day and to the younger boy’s surprise, she didn’t ask any questions. After a while, Taemin came to the conclusion that Jonghyun must have talked to her, although he was sure Key’s boyfriend hadn’t told on Jongin.

But no matter the reason Key was back, Taemin was happy to spend time with her. It was easier to ignore the whispers if he wasn’t alone and easier to deal with the fact that he was an outcast in his grade.

Of course, it still hurt, but Key made it better. At the end of the day, Taemin made sure to send Jonghyun a long message with cute emojis to let the older know he was feeling a bit better.

And maybe, just maybe, Taemin also wanted to talk to Jonghyun because he planned to be his friend.

____________________________________

As the days passed, Taemin slowly got used to being on his own. He got used to the stares from the other students and while his chest still felt tight whenever he spotted Jongin, he mostly managed to ignore his former best friend.

Instead, Taemin clung to Key as he had for the past months, and she didn’t seem to mind it one bit. They were truly close now, meeting up after school and going shopping or hanging out with Minho.

The confession really hadn’t changed anything between the two of them and Taemin couldn’t be happier – even if that meant that everyone in his grade knew he was bisexual.

_____________________________________

When summer came, Kibum seemed down more often. On a particularly hot day at the beginning of June, Taemin mustered up enough courage to ask him about it.

“Oh, it’s just that Jonghyun-hyung hates the summer,” Kibum sighed deeply. “He has trouble sleeping all year, but it’s worse when it’s hot outside. He seems sad and I’m worried about him.”

He didn’t mention Jonghyun’s depression, but Taemin could easily read between the lines. In his texts, Jonghyun seemed to be his usual self – gentle and empathetic when needed, but lively and witty when he wanted to.

In the following weeks, Taemin made sure to text Jonghyun regularly just to let the older know he was there for him. When Key’s permanent frown had finally vanished, Taemin felt relieved.

“You look happier,” he told Key, who sent him a dimpled smile that made his heart flutter.

“Jjongie seems a lot better now. Usually, he’s very down during June and July, but I feel like he’s improving.”

The news almost made Taemin clap his hands in joy.

____________________________________

Taemin’s first big dancing competition was just around the corner. The coach had pushed them to their limits or even past them and after many hours of groaning and sweating in the dance studio, Taemin was positive he would do well.

He tried to dismiss the thought of Jongin being in the same competition when he approached Kibum one day, a shy smile on his lips.

“Hyung, I have my first real competition soon,” he began as he fiddled with the rings on his fingers he had begun to wear regularly. “It’s here at this school with lots of other people coming in and my parents will be there to cheer me on, but I… Well, it would mean a lot to me if you came as well.”

Kibum remained silent, observing Taemin with his sharp gaze that could be so unnerving at times.

“Well, when is it?” he then asked.

“In two weeks on Saturday,” Taemin immediately answered.

He anxiously waited, hoping that Kibum didn’t have a date or an appointment that day – not that he wanted to interfere with his and Jonghyun’s relationship, but Taemin had really hoped Kibum would come.

The older just kept looking at him cryptically; then, he raised his scarred eyebrow.

“Saturday…well, I guess that’s alright with me.”

“Really?”

Taemin’s eyes became wide.

“God, Taemin, I really scared you, didn’t I? I’m sorry,” Kibum laughed, his dimples leaving crescent dents in his cheeks. “Actually, wanna know a secret? I have had the date saved for two weeks already.”

______________________________

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Knowing that Key would be there to watch him only made Taemin train harder. He hardly left the studio anymore, spending all of his free periods there to perfect his move.

On another extraordinarily hot day where no one but him was there to practice, Taemin took the bus home. His parents had gone out to eat with friends, but they had left him food in the fridge which he greedily devoured. Afterwards, he headed to his bathroom to shower.

Taemin was ready to drop. His legs and arms felt too heavy for him to hold up so he just let himself sink onto the bed, not even bothering to turn off the light before going to sleep.

Sometimes, Taemin liked to text Jonghyun in bed and maybe that was why he kept his phone in loud mode that night. Maybe he had simply forgotten to turn it off. Maybe it had turned on by itself.

All Taemin knew was that he awoke at 12:39 am to his phone blaring an English song next to his ear. Half frantic, half dazed, he lurched to take the call as quickly as possible in order not to wake up his parents – they would kill him if he disturbed their sleep.

Without looking at the caller ID, Taemin pressed the phone to his ear, staring at the wall opposite his bed with half-lidded eyes.

“Hello?” he slurred.

First, there was only silence.

But the second a voice sounded through the speaker, Taemin was wide awake. It was Key.

“T-Taemin-ah.”

Her voice sounded so weak, so close to breaking that Taemin’s heart missed a beat. It had been so long – more than three months, to be precise – since he had last seen, or heard, Key like this, but he still remembered the last time too vividly.

He had rang the doorbell to find her crying inside her own home – in retrospect, she probably didn’t only get into a simple argument with her father that day, but now Taemin was smarter than back then.

Of course, he immediately jumped to conclusions.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt? Should I come get you?”

His heart was racingst. He was afraid, afraid because of what had happened the last time Key had been hurt, afraid that she was in danger. It was only when she didn’t answer that a grain of doubt appeared in his head. Maybe he was wrong?

Key took a few deep, shaky breaths that all sounded like she was trying her best not to panic.

“I-It’s not like that, Taemin-ah,” she mumbled. “This time, it’s not…”

“What is it, then?”

Taemin bit his own lip in an attempt to ground himself – still, his knee wouldn’t stop bouncing as he waited for an answer. A dark feeling had formed in his gut and he could only hope that he was worrying for nothing.

“I’m at the hospital, Taemin,” Key finally said after an eternity of silence.

Her words almost startled Taemin to death. However, he had no time to brace himself for what was to come next, for what would change everything in the fraction of a single second.

“Jonghyun, he- He…he tried to- He-“

The last break in-between Key’s words was the worst. Taemin wasn’t even sure if his heart was beating anymore now – he was holding his breath, scared to hear the answer to his unspoken questions.

“He overdosed on sleeping pills,” Key finally choked out before bursting into sobs.

Taemin felt his blood freeze in his veins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, this is only a short chapter. as it ends in a cliffhanger, i will try to do a double update this week, though. i'm aware that some of you may not be able to read this chapter or keep reading at all. that's okay. to everyone else, i know this is hard to digest, but i promise that things will not end like this. we are only at the start of the story and while a big part of it does deal with mental health and depression, there is also a lot of development in all of the characters.  
i hope some of you will stay with me throughout the story. writing the following chapters strangely put me at ease somehow, as it is partly based off my own thoughts and reactions.   
i also hope all of you made it through last week alright. for me, there were definitely some hard moment, but i am okay as of now. i wish you all the same <33333  
also, merry christmas to those celebrating. i alr got a present from my friends (taem's move album) and it made me real happy, plus i'll be going to berlin on friday with my family, i'll be able to meet friends and so on! hope you all are having a good time too!  
hopefully, i'll be back in a few days.


	6. VI - Thinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: 
> 
> MENTIONS/TALKS OF SUICIDE, SUICIDE ATTEMPTS
> 
> (also slight trigger warning for my fellow emetophobes for a few words in there - no one throws up though)

“Taemin-ah? You should really come downstairs and have breakfast now!”

Taemin was startled awake by his mother’s call from downstairs. His heart was racing and as he raised his head, he felt disoriented at first.

Where was he?

For a few seconds, the situation felt so surreal to him that he was sure he had been dreaming before. Otherwise, he wouldn’t feel so dizzy right now, would he?

However, as he finally regained all of his senses and his brain began to process, taking in the way he was lying sprawled out on top of his blankets, his phone on the ground beside him, a sick feeling began spread in his stomach.

Taemin’s lids felt swollen and he had a hard time keeping his eyes open. He didn’t remember falling asleep.

The nausea in his stomach intensified with every passing second as last night’s events slowly manifested inside his head. Taemin had been woken up by his phone ringing. He had picked up to find it was Key, but this time she wasn’t the one who had been hurt – at least technically.

“Taemin-ah?” his mother called again, her voice coming closer gradually. “It’s quarter to seven, you’ll miss your bus if you don’t hurry.”

Taemin didn’t move an inch, paralyzed by the memory of Key’s voice ringing through his head.

“Taemin?”

Now his mother was knocking.

“Can I come in? Are you sick, sweetheart? Do you need anything? Are you okay?”

That was the final straw. When he felt the nausea take over, Taemin bolted to the bathroom to fall onto his knees in front of the toilet, dry-heaving and bathed in cold sweat. Somehow, he had made sure to lock the door behind him so that his mother couldn’t come in – he couldn’t face her right now.

“Are you throwing up in there, Taemin?”

His mother was inside his room, her voice laced with genuine worry, but Taemin couldn’t reply. He was a bundle of anxiety, his whole body trembling as he willed himself not to throw up.

His head was spinning painfully, horrible pictures flashing in front of his tightly shut eyes. Taemin felt like he was going insane.

Outside, his mother kept pleading him to open up, but after one or two minutes, she left, realizing that her son wouldn’t open the door now. It was only when she was gone that Taemin finally calmed down a little.

He slumped heavily against the toilet. Normally, he would feel glad that he hadn’t thrown up after all that retching, but right now he felt void of any emotion.

Taemin thought that he couldn’t possibly take this reality – a reality in which Jonghyun, Key’s boyfriend, the one who had listened to Taemin lament about his problems, had tried to take his own life.

“He overdosed on sleeping pills.”

Those had been Key’s exact words, the ones she had spoken right before bursting into tears again. After that, Taemin had failed to get any coherent information out of her – he had been too shaken up himself, anyway.

It felt unreal, knowing that Jonghyun had done such a thing. That he had taken too many pills, full well aware of what the consequene may be.

Taemin was almost lured not to believe it, but at the same time, he was hurting so much that it just had to be real.

Last night, Taemin hadn’t been able to cry. He had spent hours lying on his bed, wide awake and staring at his ceiling with glassy eyes. However, now the tears seemingly couldn’t wait to spill.

Taemin’s eyes watered, his lips began to tremble and seconds later he was crying in front of the toilet, his legs folded under his body. He felt cold, cold enough for his skin to be covered in goosebumps, yet he made no effort to keep himself warm.

Jonghyun could have died. Maybe Jonghyun was dying right now. What if he was dead?

Taemin was sure this was the worst he had ever felt, which said a lot after everything he had gone through in the past months. But discovering Key’s gender, kissing her in the rain, even finding out that Jongin had outed him to his classmates – none of these things compared to the way Taemin felt right now.

The tears just wouldn’t stop coming. He lost count of the seconds that passed, forgot how long he had been sitting here.

By now, both of his parents must have left for work, but Taemin hardly noticed. He just cried as every possible scenario played out in his head, scenes where the world become a place without Jonghyun.

Now he regretted not getting more information from Key. She had been crying, mumbling something about Jonghyun being found by his sister and that had lost consciousness soon after, and Taemin had no idea what all of that meant.

He didn’t even know if Jonghyun was alive and that realization left a hole inside his chest.

After an eternity of crying, his body finally ran out of tears and he just sat curled up against the porcelain toilet bowl, staring holes into the wall.

The worst was that Taemin didn’t feel any better after letting his feelings out. In fact, he probably felt worse, knowing that he might not ever be okay again – because that was how it seemed, that was the only thing he could imagine.

It was weird, really.

Taemin closed his eyes as he wondered just why these news had hit him so hard. He shouldn’t feel as devastated, should he? Of course, it was expected from Key to react this way, from Jonghyun’s mother and sister, too, even from Minho and his other friends.

But Taemin? Taemin wasn’t even Jonghyun’s friend.

Actually, he had started out by loathing Jonghyun. He still remembered how much he had hated him for being with Key, for destroying Taemin’s only chance to get with the girl.

Later, when they met in the café and Key introduced them, Taemin realized that Jonghyun maybe wasn’t as bad as he had thought. However, they weren’t close. If anything, Jonghyun became a vague, shadowy figure near the edge of Taemin’s reality.

Through talking with Key, Taemin found out more about her boyfriend. He realized just how important Jonghyun was to Key and began to approve of their relationship to a point where he had been afraid of destroying it.

Of course, there had been a change.

But did Taemin have the right to react like this now? Wasn’t such devastation reserved for Jonghyun’s closest friends and family only?

Sometime along the line, Taemin started talking to Jonghyun. It began with the older asking him to take care of Key after her father’s attack, and they took off from there. Taemin remembered the few times he had spoken to Jonghyun vividly.

They had texted, and suddenly Taemin realized it had always been him who had voiced out his problems while Jonghyun had listened.

The thought made him feel a sharp pang of guilt. If it hadn’t been for Key telling him, Taemin wouldn’t have known Jonghyun struggled with depression. And even so, he wouldn’t have been able to guess how bad it was.

Key’s call came as a total shock to him, a shock that had left him unable to get up.

Despite how unsanitary it was, Taemin rested his check against the toilet seat. His head hurt from crying, but at the moment he couldn’t care less.

He was confused by his own outburst, anxious because he didn’t know if Jonghyun had made it, and most of all, Taemin was hurt.

After a while, he got up and dragged himself back into his room where he found a sticky note on his nightstand next to a cup of cold tea.

_Feel better, Minnie. I’ll be home around three o’clock today, but you can call me if anything happens or if you’re feeling bad. Kisses, mum, _it said.

The small note just made more tears spill. Taemin felt immensely grateful to have such a caring mum, but at the same time, he didn’t want to see her. He would never be able to explain himself and she would never be able to understand, so it was pointless to talk to her.

Taemin hopelessly sank onto his bed.

He already dreaded the next conversation he would have to hold, the next day at school when he had to pretend he was fine – what else could he do, really?

For a moment, he thought of Jongin. Did Key’s brother know already? Did he care?

Probably so, since Jongin had always seemed very fond of Jonghyun. If anything, he seemed to like Key’s boyfriend more than Taemin, judging by the things he had screamed during their argument.

Still, Taemin couldn’t imagine Jongin being as shattered as he was. But why was that? Why couldn’t Taemin deal with what had happened? Why couldn’t he move on? What was wrong with him?

And then, Taemin had to think of Key. He imagined her, staying at the hospital all night, only to possibly be told that Jonghyun hadn’t made it.

Taemin knew that Key couldn’t live without her boyfriend. She had told him enough times, had called him her angel because he had saved her from herself in her darkest times.

She must feel like she had failed at returning the favor.

And what was the consequence of this situation? Could Key lead a life without living?

The thought made Taemin feel sick again. He had seen Key in enough pain for his whole life – why couldn’t it stop here? She didn’t deserve this, Jonghyun didn’t deserve this.

He must have been hurting so much as well, Taemin mused.

Just a few weeks ago, Key had told him that Jonghyun hated the summer – but hadn’t he seemed better to her?

He must have been suffering quietly until the day he finally couldn’t go on anymore, and Taemin definitely didn’t want to blame him. He just wished it wasn’t like that, he wished that kind people like Jonghyun were left in peace by life.

It was so unfair.

Taemin had done many things wrong, he had hurt Key and then kissed her. Jongin had made mistakes too, by telling on Taemin in a fit of anger. But the only thing Jonghyun had done was help Key and everyone else around him.

Curled into a ball, Taemin remained lying on his bed, facing the wall. He felt drained of all emotions, of everything that made him human, yet his thoughts wouldn’t stop spinning.

Finally, he fell into a restless sleep after not getting any the night before. However, even his dreams were haunted by Jonghyun and the pain that came with the thought of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is it with me and not keeping promises? i've been wanting to update this all week and even last thursday, but guess who didn't manage to? right, me.   
i'm sorry i kept you waiting. this chapter, once again, is very heavy and while proofreading, my mind jumped to dec 18th more than just once. on that day and the days after, i was unable to cry. i was on a school trip and didn't have any privacy, so i kept it in for three days, but after that time i didn't find crying to be very relieving. usually, it helps me a lot, but in that case i felt just as sad and empty afterwards. still, some of the thoughts taemin has are mine.  
i hope you are all doing well these days, that you had a pleasant start of the new year. at the end of 2020, we'll get our shinee back and i'm already so happy and excited! i've missed them.  
i'll see you all next week - hang in there until then.


	7. VII - Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: talks of suicide attempt

Taemin awoke to his bed dipping. He grunted, once again trying to figure out what was going on even though last night’s events had fully settled into his conscious by now.

When he rolled over, squinting at the bright light coming in through the window, Taemin realized his mother was sitting on the edge of his bed. She must have come in while he was still asleep, but the movement of the mattress had woken him up.

Now, she was looking at him with a worried expression.

“Hello, Minnie,” she spoke in a soft voice as she reached out to comb his hair with her fingers. “How are you?”

Taemin froze at her touch. He couldn’t do anything but stare at her, bleary-eyed and unaware of what to do. She probably still thought he was sick after this morning, and he had no plans of correcting her assumptions anytime soon.

“I woke you up, didn’t I?” his mother asked, still speaking in that gentle voice that made Taemin’s heart clench painfully. “I’m sorry, I just had to see how you were doing. You had me a bit worried this morning. Did you throw up?”

Taemin weakly shook his head. As much as he wanted her to leave, he couldn’t bear lying to her another time. He felt horrible – everything felt horrible.

“At least that.”

She sent him an encouraging smile, but the only thing it did was bring tears to Taemin’s eyes. He quickly looked away, hoping she hadn’t seen anything.

At the moment, he felt horrendously tired, despite having been asleep a few minutes ago. And then, there was that feeling inside his gut that told him something was wrong, the feeling that left him wanting to cry for hours, even if it wouldn’t help one bit.

Taemin’s mother started talking again, her words mixing with the memories of Key’s phone call in Taemin’s head. He bit his lip, barely managing to keep it together as his mother spoke to him softly.

“You’re really pale, though, it’s probably for the best if you sleep some more. Maybe I can ask dad to pick up some herbal medicine on his way back from work. Oh, Minnie, you didn’t even drink your tea. It’s gone ice cold by now.”

The bed dipped again when she got up to pick up the full cup from Taemin’s nightstand, carrying it towards the door. Her son didn’t even hear her last words; the second she shut the door behind herself, he burst into tears.

This time was different from the first time he had cried. There were no particular thoughts that set him off, no pictures flying around his head. Taemin just cried because it hurt too much to think and because he didn’t know what to do.

He felt utterly helpless and alone, curled up on his bed like that. Where could he go?

Key wasn’t an option – she was probably in a worse state than him. But who else did Taemin have? Telling his parents was not an option – to make them understand even half of it, he would have to tell the whole story, starting from his crush on Key, and after his outing at school, Taemin knew he wasn’t ready to do that.

Therefore, he was stuck on his own, crying in the privacy and solitude of his room. He didn’t know when he would come out again, even if it was just to eat dinner.

From where he was lying, Taemin could still see his phone resting a few inches away from him on the bed. He hadn’t looked at it since last night, and the mere thought of checking his notifications made him shudder.

He couldn’t take it, he couldn’t take the possibility of being greeted by a message announcing what he feared the most.

Taemin sobs became even more violent. His whole body was shaking and he could only pray that no one would hear him.

“Oh my god, Taemin!”

When he heard his mother’s muffled scream, Taemin knew he had failed. He had failed at hiding away and now he would have to explain something that he didn’t even understand himself.

He sobbed loudly as his startled mother knelt down on the floor in front of his bed, frantically beginning to stroke his head. This time, Taemin accepted her touch without a fuss. He even inched closer to her when she awkwardly tried to wrap her arms around him as if she wanted to shield him from his surroundings.

“Shhh, Taeminnie, shhh,” she soothed him, but her voice was shaking.

Taemin’s mother was a strong woman, not too tall yet never helpless – however, she had never been troubled by her son, probably because he had spent three years at a boarding school and had come back independent.

Now that he was a crying mess in front of her, Taemin’s mother seemed at a loss for what to do. She pressed kisses to the crown of his head and through his tears, Taemin managed to wonder when they had last been this close to each other.

His parents mostly let him go his own way as long as he was doing well and they only intervened when something was seriously wrong. But as nice as that sounded, it also meant that Taemin didn’t get a lot of physical affection from his parents because he didn’t like to ask for it.

Weirdly, he only realized now how much better it felt to be in his mother’s arms again like a small child. Only a few minutes ago, he had dreaded her presence and her questions that would undoubtedly follow, but now he was grateful he didn’t have to be alone.

The two of them stayed in their awkward hugging position for a few minutes before Taemin had finally calmed down a bit. He was still sniffling, but the bed wasn’t shaking anymore and his mother seemed to think he was able to talk now.

Like she used to do when he was younger, she cupped both of his sticky cheeks with her hands, not breaking eye contact as she spoke to him.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

For a split second, Taemin panicked. He had just ruled out the possibility of confiding in his mother and the prospect of it made his nausea from this morning return.

However, even if his mother had simply asked him a question, never implying that she was trying to force him to speak, Taemin couldn’t keep it in anymore. He stared at her for a second and then everything spilled, all of his secrets he had kept along with Key’s and everyone else’s.

“Do you remember Kibum-hyung? Jongin’s brother?”

Taemin’s mother silently nodded, but her eyes were clouded with confusion.

“The thing is, Kibum isn’t really Kibum,” Taemin breathed in deeply, ready to tell the whole story. “Some days, Kibum is Key. And Key is a girl… It’s really complicated, but what’s important to know is that- I have a crush on her.”

Before his mother could say anything, Taemin quickly went on to explain himself further.

“Well, it doesn’t matter to me if it’s Key or Kibum, I have a crush on her, him, whatever. And I don’t care because I…I also like boys…”

He trailed off, quickly looking away. Taemin was incapable of staring at his mother’s face any longer. Now it was out, the dreaded bit of information he had never wanted to expose to his parents.

Back in middle school when he had found out, Taemin had feared his parents would react badly and because he had never felt the urge to talk about his sexual orientation either, he had just let it go, hoping he would end up finding a girl he loved.

But now he had Key and things were so much more complicated than that.

“Okay,” his mother breathed, her voice rising at the end.

She seemed a little taken aback by the new piece of information, surprised to say the least, but Taemin could detect no signs of anger or disgust on her face. Nonetheless, he hid his head in his arms until she said something.

“Can I ask when you found out?”

“I-in middle school,” he mumbled, still slightly scared. “But why aren’t you more surprised?”

“Oh Taeminnie…”

His mother let out a soft chuckle as she flicked his ear lovingly.

“Even if we didn’t get to see each other a lot for three years, I’m still your mother. Of course I started wondering at some point.

“I’m glad that you told me yourself, but it’s really no big deal to me. I love you just the way you are, whether you choose a girlfriend or a boyfriend.”

Taemin stayed quiet. He had told her about the most important thing, but now he was at a loss for words. How should he continue to explain what he felt if he didn’t even know why he was hurting so much?

“Minnie? Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

It seemed that over his middle school years, Taemin had forgotten how insightful his mother was. Back in his childhood, she had always managed to get him to talk within seconds, but the distance between them had erased those memories from his mind.

“It doesn’t end there,” Taemin quietly admitted, his bottom lip trembling when he thought about the next part of the story. “I really love Key a lot, but she has a boyfriend – J-jonghyun.”

It was hard to say his name knowing what had gone down last night.

“At first, I really hated him because he was everything I’m not. He’s older and cooler and he gets to be with noona. I tried hard to dislike him, but when I met him, I really couldn’t. He’s just so kind and warm and he listened to me after I fought with Jongin…”

Tears were beginning to pool in Taemin’s eyes once again, but he didn’t make a move to wipe them away. His mother sighed deeply – she could probably guess that the story was about to take a dark turn.

“Key-noona once told me that Jonghyun-hyung wasn’t a very happy person. In fact, he’s very depressed, despite how peaceful and nice his aura is. She worries about him a lot, but then she told me he was getting better and…”

Taemin had to pause in-between his sentences to gather enough strength for the last part. Even if his brain had realized by now what had happened, it was still a different thing to say it out loud.

As Taemin took a few deep breaths to calm his racing heart, his mother patiently waited for her son to talk. She didn’t interrupt his speech, knowing it was for the best to let him finish on his own.

“Last night,” Taemin’s voice broke just like it had a few years ago, sounding squeaky and not at all mature, “Jonghyun-hyung overdosed on sleeping pills.”

“Oh my- I’m so sorry, Taemin.”

His mother gasped, completely shocked by the sudden turn of events. Even she hadn’t been able to guess how the story would end and now she was sitting face to face with her sobbing son who couldn’t stop his tears anymore.

“Can I- Is he dead?” she carefully asked, her brow knitted with worry.

“I-I don’t know,” Taemin choked out, “but I’m so scared, mum, I’m so scared.”

“I’m so sorry, Taeminnie,” his mother said again. “I wish there was anything I could do for you, but…”

“I don’t even know why I’m like this!” Taemin was close to screaming. “I’m supposed to hate him, he’s my rival, he’s with Key-noona, b-but…I just can’t! He was so kind to me and always listened and I never…I never stopped to think about his feelings.”

He kept rambling on and on, his sadness mixing with confusion at his own reaction, while his mother tried to comfort him silently. She seemed saddened and shocked by the news, too, gnawing at her bottom lip in a very un-ladylike manner.

It took Taemin a very long time to calm down again. In the end, he was left so exhausted that he could only lie on his bed with his eyes closed, silently praying that Jonghyun was still breathing somewhere.

The uncertainty was killing him.

“So, Jonghyun is the boyfriend of Jongin’s broth- no, his sister? Key?” Taemin’s mother tried to sum up at some point. “And you feel like you should dislike him, but instead you care about him?”

“He was so nice to me,” Taemin whispered. “He listened when no one else would.”

“I know it’s hard, Minnie, but you shouldn’t worry – at least not about caring. It’s only normal that this brings you down, it’s even hard on me and I have never met that boy. Your reaction just shows that you’re human – and that you’re grateful to him.”

“I am. I don’t want him gone; h-he…Key couldn’t live without him.”

“She’s the person I made tea for once, right? But you said she’s not always a girl?”

“It’s really complicated. Her gender changes over time. Noona always tries to belittle it, but she’s struggling a lot and Jonghyun-hyung really helps her. I can’t imagine him being…gone.”

“How did you find out about what happened?”

“Noona called me. I couldn’t get anything out of her, though, she was far too shaken up. I don’t know anything.”

“Do you want me to look at your messages?”

Taemin’s mother reached for the phone and picked it up, pressing the button at the side to look at the messages he may have received.

Taemin held his breath and squeezed his eyes shut. He was afraid, afraid that the thing awaiting him would be a truth he couldn’t bear. He heard his mother sigh and was ready to start crying again, to never stop.

“You didn’t get any messages,” he suddenly heard her say. “Not even a call or anything. That’s a good sign, isn’t it?”

Taemin could feel himself relaxing. Key certainly would have told him if Jonghyun had died, wouldn’t she? On the other hand, he was still scared of the possibility that he might just have missed that part. What if he was hoping in vain?

“So assuming he’s alive,” Taemin’s mother softly said, “it’s still hard enough as it is, I understand that. Is there anything you could do to feel better?”

For a moment, Taemin was stuck in deep thought. He had been so focused on the pain he had felt that he hadn’t noticed the guilt sprouting inside his stomach. But he _did_ feel guilty – because he had kissed Key and because he had never thought about Jonghyun’s feelings.

“I guess I want him to know I care about him,” he said, more to himself than to anyone else. “But I don’t even know how to phrase it. How can I talk to him when I don’t even understand my own feelings? Besides, he doesn’t like phone calls anyway. He still picked up when I called him but he told me once…”

Taemin trailed off, leaving the room completely silent for a few moments. After a while, his mother said, “how about writing a letter, then?”

She threw him a glance that was as doubtful as it was worried.

“I know it’s a bit old-fashioned and young people don’t really do it nowadays, but it may be worth a try.”

Taemin sniffled.

“We’re not even that close. I said it before, I shouldn’t care as much as I do. Wouldn’t it be weird to write a letter? Won’t it seem like I only care about him now after…”

“Picture it like this,” his mother tried again, “he’s in the hospital and he’ll probably stay there for a while. It’s like that time when your grandfather was sick. Remember how much he liked your letters when he was ill.”

Slowly, Taemin gave a nod. What his mother had said made sense to him, even if he knew that in reality, everything was different.

However, for some odd reason the thought of writing a few lines gave him a sense of comfort. Even if it was just to calm his own soul, Taemin suddenly felt like his mother’s suggestion could solve a lot of his problems.

“Maybe I’ll do that,” he said in a small voice. “Maybe that’s for the best.”

“Go on, then.”

His mother sent him a soft smile; afterwards, she got up from her spot next to his bed.

“I’ll be downstairs. If you want, we can deliver your letter together.”

________________________________

“I’m done.”

Taemin felt like a lost child standing in the doorway, his hand clutching the letter he had written so tightly that he was leaving wrinkles. It had been harder than he had first thought to write down what was on his mind and in retrospect, he felt like the lines he had penned down were a mess.

He could only hope that Jonghyun would like them at least a little, that he wouldn’t misunderstand in any terrible way.

Taemin’s heart was pounding wildly when he walked through the gates of the local hospital half an hour later, his mother right by his side. He wasn’t even sure if he was at the right place – Key hadn’t mentioned her whereabouts – but Taemin figured they had probably taken Jonghyun to the nearest hospital.

The thought of the events that must have gone down last night made him feel sick again, so he forced himself to concentrate on something else. The entrance hall of the hospital was, of course, busy, with people rushing by, talking to the receptionists or waiting for their turn to see a doctor.

The line in front of the info desk was long and Taemin already hated it – he feared he would lose courage and decide not to give Jonghyun his letter if he thought about it any longer.

And of course, there was also the lingering doubt present in his head – the ‘what if’s that wouldn’t leave him alone for a second.

In hopes of spotting anyone he knew, Taemin turned his head left and right. However, there were no familiar faces around. Once again, he wearily glanced at the reception only to turn away, biting his lip nervously.

“Can I help you?” a female voice suddenly asked and Taemin whipped around to find a short woman standing behind him, clad in a t-shirt and cut-up pants.

“I-I’m looking for a friend.”

His throat was bone-dry as he spoke and it was only then that Taemin realized how anxious he really was. The whole situation was nothing short of nerve-wracking.

“A friend? Are they a patient here?”

“He came in sometime last night. Kim Jonghyun…that’s his name. It was- It was an overdose.”

“Kim Jonghyun-ssi?”

The woman’s face brightened for some unknown reason and Taemin felt a spark of hope.

“Yes, he’s here, but he hasn’t been allowed any visitors yet – only his family is permitted to see him right now, I’m afraid.”

At her words, Taemin finally let go of a deep breath his body must have been holding since last night.

“It’s no problem. I really just wanted to give him…this letter.”

He reached into his jacket’s pocket to pull out the piece of paper which he had put into an envelope at home. It wasn’t signed, nor did it say who it was meant for, but Taemin felt that Jonghyun would know soon enough.

“You’re lucky,” the woman suddenly smiled a toothy smile. “I’ve actually just finished my duty – I’m a nurse – but I’m going in tomorrow. If you want, I’ll give the letter to Jonghyun-ssi then. He won’t be able to see anyone until then, anyway.”

“You would do that?”

Taemin immediately offered her the letter and she took it, studying the envelope for a few seconds.

“And what’s your name?”

“My name?”

“Your name – so I can tell Jonghyun-ssi who it’s from.”

“I’m Lee Taemin. He’ll know who it’s from when he reads it. Thank you so much for delivering my letter, really!”

When the woman had left a few moments later, Taemin’s mother placed her hand on the small of his back, reminding her son of her presence.

“I’m proud of you, Minnie. You did really well writing that letter.”

Taemin shook his head.

“This isn’t about me.”

“I know, Min. But I’m still proud of you. How about some ice cream now? You haven’t eaten anything today, have you?”

So Taemin let his mother treat him to ice cream, even if he knew that no amounts of candy could ease his worry and make the events that had occurred undone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you believe i literally forgot to update last week? yea, me neither -.-  
i hope it wasn't too long of a wait (i did update another story of mine though which was a bit more urgent since its been ongoing for like one and a half years and only has nine chapters as of now). how have all of you been doing by the way?  
i had to leave my parents' place last week to get back to work and on sunday and monday i felt pretty depressed bc of that. now i'm fine though, i got myself a ticket to see super m in paris and it's honestly crazy since i never expected i'd see any member of shinee live. even though they feel very close to me, i feel that the proximity is mostly metaphorical. i feel like i'm never all alone because jjong is always with me and watching over me and the others are as well. but in real life, shinee feels very unreachable. even when i was in seoul, i didn't feel like i was very close to them other than in the usual metaphorical way. does that make any sense? one day, i may get to see key live. who knows what might happen...  
also i started watching descendants of the sun to appreciate jinki's acting. and damn,,,,,, i'm so into it. i really like the main characters and i'm on edge every episode bc there's so much suspense (watched rookie historian goo haeryung before, which wasn't like that at all). i already know this is probably gonna end badly and i'm gonna cry my eyes out, but i love torturing myself :)))))  
i hope you'll end this week happily and spend the next one well, too. (remind me to update next saturday)  
also, i forgot to say this, but one of my fics hit 20k reads and another one hit 200 subs. i still can't believe it!


	8. VIII - Routine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> Talks of suicide attempt

Over all the things that had happened, Taemin had promptly forgotten about the dance competition. However, he was painfully reminded on Friday when his coach ran up to him the second he stepped through the entrance of the school, sounding even angrier than he looked.

“Where have you been?”

Taemin mumbled a few excuses about being sick. He didn’t feel like dancing to impress a jury all of a sudden. Truthfully, he didn’t even feel like going to school.

Minho wasn’t there – he was playing volleyball in another city once again – and Key…

Taemin knew he wouldn’t encounter Key that day, he knew there was no way for her to watch him dance the next day. He didn’t blame her.

His heart was slowly being eaten up by his worries. In class, he couldn’t stop thinking about Key. The previous day, his thoughts had solely been focused on Jonghyun, but it was only now that Taemin realized what all of this meant for Key.

Unlike all the other times she occupied his mind, the thought of her made him feel sick to a point where it was noticeable to his teacher.

“You’re pale, Taemin-ah. Do you want to go outside for a bit?” she kindly asked, but he declined with a headshake.

Today, the glances he received from his classmates didn’t matter. They bounced off his body as if he was made of stone. Later that day, Taemin realized Jongin wasn’t at school either.

Even though he had no motivation whatsoever, Taemin showed up at training in the afternoon. He felt like he couldn’t let down his coach now after the man had given him so much freedom in the past months.

However, Taemin was far from feeling grateful like he should have.

At practice, he received many more scoldings than usual. He had to listen to countless “you’re not trying hard enough”s and even more “are you deaf”s and somewhere deep down, his coach’s accusations hurt him, but at the same time he didn’t care at all.

Taemin had never felt this indifferent before.

He didn’t sleep a lot the night before the competition. In the morning, he packed his things without a single word. He could feel that his mother worried about him, could see it in her eyes and yet he couldn’t bring himself to send her as much as a smile.

In the car, he wondered if Jonghyun had received his letter by now.

A lot of dancers from their school were to compete that day, and their coach welcomed them with a warm-up before splitting them up into groups and letting them run through their choreographies a few times.

The competition started at nine.

Taemin knew his parents were in the audience, yet he didn’t feel nervous. He didn’t feel nervous when he saw Jongin either, even though he had originally wanted to beat the younger today.

But now, he could only pay attention to the bags under the eyes of Key’s brother, to the sluggish way in which he moved and to his pale face. That was when Taemin realized just how hard Jongin must have been hit by the news as well.

_Does he have more right to be devastated than me?_ Taemin silently wondered.

Once again, doubts started to creep up on him and left him with a sick feeling in his stomach.

Jonghyun had been a part of Jongin’s life for a long time, he realized bitterly. The younger had always seemed to trust Key’s boyfriend a lot more than Taemin – it was no wonder he had been dragged down by the events.

The sinking feeling in Taemin’s chest grew. He slid down the wall, crouching and closing his eyes to will away the memories from that night and the day after, but they wouldn’t leave his head.

It became harder to breathe and Taemin realized he was panicking. It was ironic, really – he was about to participate in a somewhat important dancing competition and here he was, trying not to burst into tears.

He just hoped Jonghyun was alright, hoped that he had interpreted the nurse’s words correctly – that Jonghyun was out of danger, that he was fine.

Taemin spent the next two hours in autopilot-mode. When the jury first called his name, he staggered to the center of the gym, facing the ones who were about to judge him. Behind them, he could see his coach’s face.

He could imagine the hope in the man’s eyes – no matter how hard he worked his dancers, he also believed in them – but that didn’t make Taemin’s heart beat faster.

The music started and Taemin’s body began to move. He knew the dance by heart, knew which step followed which in the routine – but that was all it was, a routine he ran through, nothing compared to a performance.

More than once, Taemin tried to do what he was usually so good at – putting his everything into the dance. His eyes remained empty.

How was he supposed to make his body appear weightless when the whole world was resting on his shoulders? How could he be seductive, provocative when he still felt like crying after all the hours that had passed?

Taemin knew he had lost before he was done with his dancing. After leaving the gym and going back to their dressing room, disappointment began to manifest in his stomach. Strangely, he felt like he had not only failed but that he hadn’t even tried in the first place.

Would Key want him to give up like that? Did it help Jonghyun in any way?

Taemin bit his lip when he saw his coach coming in. Involuntarily, his shoulders slumped, making his whole body shrink in a defensive mechanism. He was scared of being yelled at, no matter how much he deserved it.

However, to his surprise the man didn’t look angry. He just stood in front of Taemin, eyeing him up and down once before sighing.

“Something happened, didn’t it?”

Taemin felt his bottom lip twitch. He didn’t want to show weakness, nor would he like to start crying – he had to endure his failure like the adult he wanted to be.

“You don’t have to tell me,” the coach said, his voice more tender than Taemin had ever heard it sound before. “Sometimes things are like that. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do about it.”

He stayed silent for a moment to let his words sink in; then, he spoke, “I will see you later. I hope you will find joy in dancing again soon.”

After that, he left the room to return to the gym and Taemin’s hand flew up to his mouth, muffling the sob that escaped him. He quickly went to the bathroom where he once again cried on his own for about fifteen minutes.

Afterwards, he only felt worse than before. He had let himself and his coach down by not giving his all and even though it logically shouldn’t matter to him, it still did.

Taemin’s mother didn’t comment on his performance and neither did his dad, although he had taken a day off work just to watch his son dance. In the car, Taemin kept chewing on his bottom lip until he could taste blood.

His mind was blank now, for the first time in two days, but he didn’t find himself enjoying the state. Instead, the emptiness seemed to be weighing down on him even harder than his worries.

_Was that how Jonghyun had felt all the time_, he wondered.

Fortunately for him, his new state of mind didn’t last long. The moment he looked at his phone after getting home, he saw that Key had left him a message.

Taemin felt uncomfortable when listening to it, but he did so anyway.

“Hi Taemin-ah, this is hyung,” he heard Kibum’s quiet voice speak into the phone.

His usual snarky undertone was gone and replaced by a note of exhaustion that was all but unfamiliar to Taemin.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your show today. I should have told you beforehand, but you didn’t pick up your phone when I called.”

Taemin could hear Kibum sigh, but the noise didn’t seem to be directed at him.

“I hope you’re doing okay. I’m holding up somehow – but I guess I owe you an explanation for two nights ago. Well…

“Jjong was home alone that evening. I was at my dad’s place and was going to stay there, but then Sodam-noona called me and told me we needed to go to the hospital. She found Jonghyun in his bedroom after getting home from work – he was…he was delirious.

“When looking around, noona found a bottle of sleeping pills that was…well…it was almost empty.”

Kibum’s voice wavered the slightest bit, yet he kept going.

“She immediately called an ambulance and Jjong was taken to the hospital. That night was the worst of my life. We didn’t know what had happened, they told us it was a suicide attempt and, god, it hurt so goddamn much I still can’t…

“At first I couldn’t even cry, I couldn’t fathom it. I just kept sitting there and telling myself this couldn’t be real. He was getting better, you know? I could see it! His smiles seemed genuine and he told me he was sleeping well.”

Kibum shakily inhaled the same second in which Taemin was forced to let out the breath he had been holding. Listening to the story made his chest ache, but he needed to know what had happened.

“Well – in the end, Jjong didn’t take a lethal dose of pills. The doctors told us he was probably panicked and that they didn’t know if he had planned to end his l-life.

“But that didn’t make it any better. And after he woke up it only got worse. He was so out of it – still is, actually. He’s hit rock bottom, I have never seen him like that before. He didn’t really want to see me and he cried a lot and…I don’t know, Taemin, I just can’t deal with it.

“I can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes I’m afraid he’ll be gone by the time I wake up again. And I’m so tired already, even though I’m supposed to support hyung. But I can’t help him. I wish I could, but I can’t!”

Briefly, Taemin wondered how Kibum had made it through this story without crying. Maybe he was drained of tears, or the tiredness he felt was just too much at this point.

He bit his lip as he listened to the last few sentences of the message.

“The people at the hospital are trying to help Jjong,” Kibum went on. “They talked about medicating him and he’s calmed down a bit…

“But…actually, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I’m sorry for rambling. I hope your dance competition goes well, I know you can do it!”

At that, he gave a weak laugh, but it sounded as hollow as Taemin felt right now.

“You won’t see me at school for a while, but don’t worry about me. I’ll be just fine. See you soon, Min.”

After that, the message had ended and Taemin was left to staring at his wall with a blank mind.

There it was again, Kibum’s habit of understating when it came to his feelings. How often had he told Taemin that he was fine? That it was fine, that he could deal with the hostility and the stares he had gotten and his boyfriend’s suicide attempt?

Maybe Kibum thought he wasn’t important enough to Taemin, or he didn’t want to be a crybaby – but they all knew how broken he really was. Taemin, Minho, Jonghyun – Jonghyun probably knew the best.

And once again, Taemin decided to deal with the pain he felt by curling up on his bed, quietly crying into his pillow. He had shed more tears in the last two days than he ever had before in his life – about that, he was sure.

Yet he still couldn’t stop, and he still didn’t want to stop. He wanted to grieve for Kibum and the pain he must be in, and for Jonghyun and for his family. It was only later that Taemin realized Kibum hadn’t mentioned his letter at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here i am again with a new chapter. just a short note bc i'm tired - how are you all doing? i've had a rough week, though it wasn't completely but. but i've experiencing all sorts of weird symptoms and aches all over my body for no apparent reason and my brain keeps telling me i'm actually dying. it kinda sucks.  
well, i hope i'll be fine. but i did write the draft for my letter to kibum today (i want to send him my fanart) and i'm pretty inspired to write all sorts of stuff.  
the next six days i'll spend with abt 60 other ppl who are also volunteering in my state. but it's fine since we've got cool workshops (i'm in writing).  
pls take care of yourself and have a nice week! i'll see you next weekend


	9. IX - Come Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> Talks of suicide attempt

Kibum came back to school five days later.

Taemin hadn’t expected him to return so soon. Therefore, he was puzzled when he spotted the familiar figure in the hallway, a hooded jacket concealing Kibum’s face despite the heat from outside.

Jongin’s sibling was walking on his own. Minho was nowhere to be seen and for a brief moment, Taemin wondered if he was, once again, playing volleyball. But then he remembered that two days ago, Minho had told him his team didn’t have any games for the next two weeks.

He had seemed quite happy about that, a fact that still made Taemin shudder. If Choi Minho, who was famous for his endless passion when it came to sports, rather stayed at school instead of playing matches with his team, something had to be horribly wrong.

Something was horribly wrong.

Taemin hadn’t talked to Minho a lot during the last few days. It wasn’t like he had consciously made any decision to avoid his senior, but the few times they had met in the hallway, conversation just hadn’t come to them as naturally as usual.

It was blatantly obvious in Minho’s behavior, in his facial expressions and his gestures, that something had hit him hard. Of course, Taemin knew what it was – sometimes he wondered if Minho’s teammates knew as well, but he somehow doubted it.

Despite the fact that Jonghyun had frequently appeared at the school to pick up Key and occasionally Minho, word of his actions hadn’t spread yet. Taemin’s teachers seemed oblivious to what had happened and he made no move to tell them either.

He felt that just like gender, mental health wasn’t something he could openly talk about. While he didn’t think Jonghyun would be at risk of being cast out of society like Kibum was, Taemin was still sure that most of his fellow classmates just wouldn’t understand anything.

Even he himself was still hopelessly confused, lost – so how could he expect others to be understanding?

When Taemin spotted Kibum in the mass of students, his heart involuntarily skipped a beat. However, this time the sensation wasn’t followed by the usual giddiness but by a completely different feeling, a dark ugliness creeping up on him and consuming his heart.

For the first time in months, he felt guilty; guilty because of his attraction towards Kibum, who loved Jonghyun more than anything.

In spite of the sinking feeling in his chest, Taemin immediately made a move to rush towards Kibum. At that moment, his own feelings didn’t matter. What did matter, though, was the slight possibility, the tiniest hope that maybe he could offer Kibum some comfort.

Taemin had known before, but the moment his eyes met Kibum’s gaze, he realized the older must have been through hell in the last seven days.

Careful not to draw attention to himself, Taemin slowed down as he got close to Kibum and when he reached him, he turned around to walk alongside him into the direction where he had just come from.

Meanwhile, Kibum didn’t react to him in the slightest. He kept walking at the same steady pace, his hands buried in the pockets of his jacket and his eyes trained on the ground once again.

The longer they walked in silence, the more anxious Taemin became until he couldn’t bear it anymore. He glanced at Kibum warily but averted his eyes just as quickly because he was somehow scared of being noticed.

Once again, Kibum didn’t react. He just walked on and only stopped when the two of them had reached his locker – Minho had yet to turn up.

“H-hyung?” Taemin shakily asked after hesitating for a few moments.

He wasn’t sure if he had addressed Kibum right – how could he tell when the older was wearing the mandatory school uniform? – but he didn’t want to make a mistake right now. For some reason, Taemin thought that something as miniscule as using the wrong honorifics would be enough to break Kibum.

He peeked at the older once again and this time, he couldn’t help noticing how thin Kibum had gotten.

“Hyung,” Taemin repeated when he didn’t receive an answer.

This time, Kibum’s hand twitched as he opened his locker.

“Taemin-ah.”

He didn’t look at him a single time and after a few more moments, Taemin was almost sure that Kibum was purposefully avoiding his gaze.

“You’re back, hyung,” he said, “I didn’t expect you to return so soon. But are-“

The words got stuck in his throat. During the last few days, Taemin had thought of Kibum countless times. He had replayed old conversations in his head, had hoped and prayed for him.

However, now that Kibum was standing in front of him, he couldn’t seem to get out a single sentence.

It was even worse than the day he had confessed, Taemin remembered. They had been at Jonghyun’s place, then – how ironic.

Just like every other little reminder of Jonghyun did, the thought left Taemin unable to breathe for a moment. Whenever he recalled anything that had to do with Kibum’s boyfriend, he was painfully reminded of what had happened for a second.

Had Jonghyun read his letter by now?

“Yes, I’m back,” Kibum finally answered in a voice so quiet and monotone that hearing it come out of his mouth left Taemin perplexed. “I didn’t know I’d return today either. But…this is my last year and I need to keep my grades up so that I can get into a good university. I have to do well.”

He paused for a moment, then went on, still not looking at Taemin.

“Thanks for waiting for me, Taemin-ah.”

“It’s no problem, it’s fine. I-“

“I’ll probably be very busy in the next few weeks,” Kibum sighed. “Exams are coming up and I have places to be. It might be… You might not see me a lot, Taemin-ah. Please don’t worry about that.

“It’s got nothing to do with you, I just… I don’t have a lot of time these days. I hope you understand.”

“I…”

Again, Taemin was at a loss for words. Kibum’s explanation seemed reasonable, but he couldn’t drive away the voice in his head that told him that there was more behind this.

“I have to go to class now,” Kibum interrupted him as he slammed his locker door shut. “I guess I’ll see you around, Taemin-ah.”

He picked up his bag and shouldered it, leaving a gaping Taemin next to his locker.

The bell reminded Taemin that it was time for him to get to class, too. On the way there, he found it hard to focus as his thoughts kept going back to the conversation he had just had with Kibum.

Had the older really been honest with him? As far as Taemin knew, Kibum had no reason to lie to him.

But if he had told the truth, why did his words feel like a last goodbye?

Taemin found Minho an agonizing 120 minutes later when both of them were on break. The moment he spotted the tall boy in the hallway, Taemin hurried over to him in a similar fashion to earlier.

However, Minho’s reaction was strikingly different from Kibum’s.

“Min,” he called and cracked a lopsided smile when the younger stopped in front of him. “How are you doing?”

“Kibum is back!”

Taemin believed his words were enough to answer Minho’s question. He seemed to have been right, as the older just raised his eyebrows before nodding.

“I know. I just walked him to his Science lesson.”

“We didn’t talk a lot,” Taemin quietly admitted as he set down his bag next to Minho. “It was weird…kind of awkward, even?”

He shook his head, lost in thought for a moment.

“I didn’t really know what to say to him. I mean, what can I tell him? Should I ask if he’s fine? I know he’s not…”

Even the vague reference Taemin had made triggered a painful sting in his chest. At the same time, he could see Minho’s face fall and the bad feeling intensified as it was joined by guilt once again.

“He looks really tired and skinny – it’s like he hasn’t been eating a lot and I’m worried, hyung, I really am. He told me not to be too concerned, but I just can’t help it. I keep thinking about him and how he must be feeling right now and it just hurts…I can’t help it…”

Taemin trailed off. He knew that Minho was well aware he wasn’t only talking about his worry anymore. This was about something bigger, about his feelings for Kibum, the ones that he shouldn’t have – but he couldn’t help it, could he?

“Taemin-ah, calm down.”

Minho’s gentle voice did wonders to calm Taemin’s racing heart. It seemed like a miracle to see the usual confident and witty boy be so careful, treat someone else so delicately – it was as if Taemin could break any moment.

“I understand why you’re struggling,” Minho continued when he was sure that he had Taemin’s full attention. “God, I know how hard it is, it’s hard on all of us but Kibum…it’s different with him.

“And I really get why you’re worried, but as much as you will hate to hear it, there is nothing you can do for Kibum other than wait. It might seem impossible, but it’s what he needs, what he has always needed.

“If he needs your help, he will eventually come around to ask for it, as paradox as that sounds. If you try to comfort him now, he will just retreat into his shell and you won’t be able to get him out.

“Taemin-ah.” Minho grabbed Taemin’s shoulders as if to emphasize the meaning of his words. “I know that your story is a bit different and that your feelings are too, but I know you can do it. You should trust Kibum, even if it’s hard. He will come around, but at the moment he is caught up in the horror of this situation.

“But if it helps any, I’ll try my best to take care of him. Sodam-noona will, too. She loves Kibum just as much as she loves Jonghyun-hyung. Kibum isn’t alone in this.”

“I know, hyung, I know.”

Taemin blinked a few times to stop his eyes from burning. During Minho’s speech, he had become choked up and even now that it had ended, his heart was still beating unnaturally fast. It told a whole story about the impact Jonghyun’s actions had on him.

“Thanks for giving me advice, hyung!” Taemin said when he was sure he could talk in a firm voice again. “It’s really appreciated.”

“It’s no problem, Minnie.”

Despite how worn he looked, Minho still managed to muster up a smile.

“Remember that I’m also there for you when you need me. Like right now – how about we grab some food together?”

_________________________________

Leaving Kibum be was easier said than done – especially when Taemin had to take note of the fact that his hunch had apparently been right. Kibum was avoiding him.

It wasn’t as obvious as it had been with Jongin, but after a few days, Taemin had to notice that every time he spotted the tiniest piece of Kibum, the older was gone a second after. He had no chance to talk to him or even greet him in passing, as Kibum was never where Taemin was.

The realization was followed by a tiny evolution in Taemin’s thoughts. Before, he had mostly been worried about Kibum, but now the feeling of guilt was present in his chest a lot more often than before.

As more days passed, Taemin started to ask himself the same question over and over again.

What if some of this was his fault?

Some of this, of course, referred to Jonghyun’s suicide attempt, though Taemin had a hard time calling it that. He rather liked to refer to it as ‘what had happened’ even if it was just in his mind – it made it somehow easier to get through the day if he could live with the illusion that it hadn’t been suicide.

After a week, Taemin realized there was no use in looking for Kibum openly, so he began to follow Minho around. The two of them still talked in the hallway almost every day, but unbeknownst to Taemin’s senior, the younger boy had taken to becoming his shadow in an almost stalker-like manner.

But following Minho would lead Taemin to Kibum sooner or later and even if he could just catch a glimpse of him, he knew some of his worries would be relieved.

As they were both seniors, Minho and Kibum often had to stay late at school. After dance practice, Taemin sneaked out of the school in his training gear, heading towards the park where he would sometimes see Minho and Kibum sitting together in the distance.

He never saw the two of them talk, but sometimes Minho held Kibum despite the heat and Taemin just knew that the older of the two was crying.

On those days, he felt even more sullen than usual, and he hated himself for it. He hated his affection for Kibum because there was a real possibility it had played a part in driving Jonghyun over the edge.

In fact, Taemin thought it was impossible for Jonghyun not to have caught onto what had been going on between him and Kibum.

They had kissed – it had only been once and it had happened on a hunch, but a kiss was a kiss. What if Jonghyun had started to doubt Kibum’s love?

That had never been what Taemin wanted, especially as he knew he would never come close to Jonghyun. Kibum may return some of his affection, but it still couldn’t compare to what he felt for his boyfriend.

_“Sometimes I wonder if he’s really an angel…”_

The words Kibum had said to him that day were still present as ever in Taemin’s head – he hardly doubted anything had changed. In fact, Kibum’s behavior only showed further that he couldn’t live without Jonghyun. And that Taemin would end up on his own.

But maybe, after all, that was what he deserved, Taemin thought to himself one evening as he once again scrolled through his chat logs with Jonghyun. The moment he had found out Kibum was taken, he should have backed off. He should have hidden his affections instead of acting on them one too many times.

Nonetheless, he had gotten himself into this mess although he had known better, and that was why he deserved to be on his own now.

From now on, Taemin pledged, he would go out of his way to make sure he wouldn’t tear Kibum and Jonghyun any further apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, how are all of you doing?  
i've had one of the best weeks in a while, which may have something to do with the fact that i was able to participate in a writing workshop with a focus on novel-writing (aka my most important goal for the future). i haven't been this inspired since i don't even know when and for the first time in years, i feel reassured that if i really want to, i can do it, i can write a novel and maybe even sell it.  
i don't know if i've ever really spoken about this, but let's talk about sex, baby is the first story idea of mine that i like enough to consider making it into a novel. at the moment i'm mostly planning out the story, the world and the characters, but i plan an rewriting it and making it a bit (a lot) more realistic.  
i hope you are all doing well, too! i wish you all the best for the next week and really hope that you'll have a great time. ~.~


	10. X - Changes

Change came when Taemin didn’t expect it too. It took him a while to come to terms with his new situation, isolated from the person whom he cared for the most– Key. However, when he finally did accept it, things took a turn once again, in a way Taemin never would have imagined.

It started with Minho telling him the latest news. The older boy had taken to informing Taemin about Jonghyun’s condition every few days, but there hadn’t been any changes – until now.

That morning, Minho greeted Taemin with a smile that looked much more enthusiastic than any of his expressions from the previous weeks. It was Monday, usually the day Minho was the grumpiest, so Taemin immediately noticed the spark in his eyes.

“What’s up, hyung?” he asked as his gaze involuntarily darted across the hallway, looking for Key’s familiar face.

“It seems like Jjong-hyung is finally getting a little better,” Minho grinned brightly. “I visited him yesterday. I mean, of course it’s not much, but he’s agreed to undergo therapy at the hospital.”

“Why’s he still at the hospital anyway?” Taemin asked. “Shouldn’t he be home by now?”

He had been wondering about the matter for a while now. As Minho and Key had put it, Jonghyun hadn’t suffered any long-term consequences from his actions, so it made no sense for him to stay at the hospital.

Minho shrugged as he sent Taemin another sheepish smile.

“His mum wanted to keep him under supervision and…he didn’t object. To be honest, I don’t think he really said or did anything at first – he was just done for. But they have finally gotten him to talk to their therapists and work something out. I’m really glad.”

“Me too.”

Taemin’s chest really did feel a little lighter as he followed Minho to his locker, where his senior put down his duffel bag. There was another question at the tip of Taemin’s tongue, but it took him a few seconds to gather enough courage to ask.

“What about Key?”

Minho turned around with a tiny frown and Taemin felt a pang of guilt when their gazes met. Could he even ask about Key? Minho knew about his crush, and he certainly couldn’t approve of it anymore.

“I was just wondering,” Taemin stammered. “She seems down every time I see her.”

“Naturally, she’s doing better now that Jonghyun-hyung is opening up a bit,” Minho started to explain. “She’s still…well, she’s still traumatized because of what happened – understandably, of course – but they are talking again.

“I think both of them know that there are going to be some major changes in their relationship, but they want to make it work together…”

Minho trailed off, leaving only the part that Taemin could finish in his head unsaid.

“I’m not trying to interfere or anything!” the younger quickly got out. “In case you were thinking I was. Key doesn’t have to say another word to me if she doesn’t want to, I’m fine with that. I just want her to be happy – I can’t stop caring about her that quickly, you know?”

“Why would you stop caring about her?”

Minho’s gaze was skeptical, his raised eyebrow only adding to the expression of confusion on his face.

“I- You see, I have a crush on her. Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with her. There’s no way Jonghyun didn’t catch onto the way I looked at her. You said it yourself, hyung, I made it painfully obvious that I liked Key. But I don’t want it to be that way anymore…”

Taemin stopped for a second to gnaw at his bottom lip – although they had made perfect sense in his head, it was incredibly hard to say the words out loud.

“Jonghyun-hyung…must be very unhappy. I don’t want to be a reason why he’s sad. I’m not saying all of this happened because of me, though, I know that’s not how depression works. But I know Jonghyun needs Key and Key needs Jonghyun, and I am not going to be in their way, even if that means I can’t talk to Key anymore.”

Minho stayed quiet after Taemin had finished. He looked at the younger for a long time, but it was impossible to tell what he was thinking.

Finally, he spoke, “so, you think it’s better if you keep your distance from Key because you have feelings for her.”

Taemin nodded.

“She has more important things to worry about right now.”

There was a lump in his throat that he hoped wasn’t audible as he spoke. What he hadn’t told Minho was how hard it was to put an end to his relationship with Key. How much it hurt to remind himself it was for her sake. How lonely he got without her.

However, deep inside Taemin felt like Minho knew anyway. Minho always knew.

“I’m sure you’ve thought this through very thoroughly,” he said after a while. “In the end, it’s your decision. But Taem…”

Suddenly, he stepped closer as his large palm came to rest on Taemin’s shoulder.

“…don’t worry too much, okay? No matter how things will turn out, you’ll go your way.”

When Taemin didn’t add anything to his statement, the grin from before found its way back onto Minho’s face.

“There’s something I wanted to ask, though,” the older smiled, suddenly seeming as excited as a 6-year-old faced with a dozen flavors of ice cream. “I’ve got an important match to play on Saturday – will you come and cheer for me?”

“So you’re planning to exploit me by making use of the fact that I dance very well. Are you trying to hire me as your personal cheerleader?”

Taemin cheekily winked at Minho.

“I don’t work for free, though.”

“Yah, you brat, I didn’t-“

Their conversation ended in a wild chase through the school’s hallway at the end of which Taemin’s stomach hurt from laughing too hard. However, he felt no regret as he half-stumbled, half-limped towards his classroom five minutes later. Minho had given him just what he had needed.

It felt good to laugh again.

_______________________________

Taemin hadn’t expected the gym to be filled with spectators when he arrived there on Saturday at lunchtime. Admittedly, he was a bit late because he had missed his bus, but it seemed the game hadn’t started yet.

Nonetheless, there was an impressive amount of people up on the ranks and Taemin knew they couldn’t all be relatives and friends.

Even from the top row, it was fairly easy to spot Minho. All of his team members were tall, but he had a certain aura about him that told everyone he was special, something else.

Taemin squinted as he tried to recall what Minho had told him about his position a few months back. He could have been a wing player – provided that was the right term – or was he at the back of the court?

It had been far too long since Taemin had cared for any other sport than dancing.

Finally, he managed to find an empty seat next to a lady looking to be a housewife in her fifties. She had brought a bunch of children who were screaming and playing amongst themselves, but Taemin hardly minded. In fact, he was kind of grateful that he didn’t have to feel like the loner he was.

It seemed that Taemin really was late since the two teams on the court stopped their warm-up soon after to gather in a circle with their coaches, probably going over the tactics for the match.

Truth be told, Taemin didn’t know what to expect. He had mostly come along for a distraction after having spent the last few weeks holed up in his room thinking depressing thoughts. The guilty feeling was still weighing down on him, but it was a lot easier to endure today.

Soon enough, the game started with a shrill whistle and Taemin watched Minho score three points in a row by serving. He couldn’t help watching in astonishment as his senior tossed the ball high into the air, throwing his arms back and taking off.

Minho was already tall, but he could jump, too. After another serve that the other team hardly managed to return, Taemin wondered how long the match would even take at this rate.

At the next serve, the other team managed to pick up the ball and finally, a game took place down on the court. Things were happening so fast that Taemin often didn’t know where to look, but most of the time, his eyes were glued to Minho as the older almost flew towards the ball.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”

The sound of an awfully familiar voice made Taemin freeze instantly. His blood ran cold as he realized just who was standing behind him and despite the warm weather, his arms were suddenly covered in goosebumps.

“Did I startle you, Taem?”

Key didn’t even ask before plopping down onto the stairs next to Taemin’s seat, but it still took the younger a few seconds until he was ready to turn his head and look at her.

“N-not at all.”

His stutter betrayed him, yet Key didn’t seem surprised anyway. She just watched him through her dark eyes, neither a smile nor any sadness on her face.

“Minho is playing so well,” she softly said and turned her head to look at the court. “I can’t believe he’s this good considering where he came from, but he’s the ace. The best scorer down there. What is it with some people who are just good at everything?”

While she kept watching, Taemin couldn’t avert his eyes. After not seeing her in so long, he just had to take in every little detail of her appearance, had to save the sight of her like a picture on his phone.

Key was wearing long-sleeved clothes in spite of the heat. Her face was still pale, too, but she had put on some make-up which had to mean she was doing better – right?

Taemin winced internally when he remembered how he had watched her cry in Minho’s embrace too many times in the previous weeks. Now she seemed a bit more composed, but Taemin really had no idea how things were looking for her on the inside.

“It’s Kibum, by the way,” Kibum suddenly said, startling Taemin once again. “Don’t let the make-up fool you. I just felt like covering up the bags under my eyes.”

“It looks pretty, hyung.”

Taemin’s throat was painfully dry. He wished his hands would stop sweating, wished his heart would stop pounding in his ears, but there was nothing he could do. It would take a lot more hard work to distance himself from Kibum, and the older wasn’t making it any easier.

“I came here to apologize to you, Min,” Kibum said after keeping quiet for a while. “I’m sorry we couldn’t see each other a lot.”

“It’s fine. I understand. There is nothing you have to be sorry for.”

_If anything, I am the one who should be sorry_, Taemin thought. _I’m sorry I ever fell for you. I’m sorry I told you about my feelings._

He didn’t say it out loud.

“Bullshit.”

The sudden curse grabbed Taemin’s attention immediately. It had been a while since he had heard Kibum swear and the sound was enough for him to stare at Jongin’s sibling wide-eyed.

“I avoided you, Taem,” Kibum went on without the slightest hint of emotion in his voice. “There was a lot I had to think about and it was hard on me, but that’s not an excuse. I should have told you honestly that I needed space.”

“It’s really not a big deal. I kind of guessed that you were busy with other…things.”

Once again, they stayed silent for a few moments. Then Kibum said, “he’s getting better. Jjong-hyung I mean. You must have wondered – that night, I called you without a warning to tell you he had almost died and later I hardly gave you any update. I’m sorry for that, too.”

Taemin silently shook his head. Kibum didn’t need to know how much he had feared for Jonghyun’s life or in what state the news had put him. His reaction had been unnatural anyway, he was convinced of that now. The same applied to his letter.

No wonder Jonghyun had never contacted him or mentioned it to anyone – it must have been too much. They didn’t know each other after all.

“So, Jonghyun is getting better. Nothing’s fine yet – I’m not sure if anything is ever gonna be fine again – but we’re holding up. I had a long talk with him yesterday. He told me he wanted to be more honest with me…tell me when he’s feeling bad and stuff…he also told me another thing…”

Kibum trailed off as the referee’s whistle rang through the gym, successfully drowning out most other sounds. Taemin patiently waited for Kibum to continue. His hands were folded in his lap, even though they were itching to touch Kibum and show Taemin’s condolence, _anything_.

“That doesn’t matter now, though!”

For the first time, Kibum cracked a tiny smile – it was full of exhaustion, just like his eyes, but at least it was real.

“I hope we can go back to being friends now, Min. I really missed you. That night, you were the first person I knew I had to call – I still don’t know why, but I’ve figured out that you’re far too important to lose. So if you forgive me, I’d like to spend time with you again.”

In all honesty, Taemin was conflicted. Firstly, Kibum was asking for his forgiveness at a point where it wasn’t even needed. The older made it sound like he had wronged Taemin, but the only one who had been wronged was Jonghyun – by Taemin, not by Kibum.

Secondly, Taemin had just decided to put some distance between himself and Kibum for Jonghyun’s sake. He couldn’t bear making him doubt his relationship in any way, not after what had happened, but Kibum was making it too damn hard to stay away.

To put it short, Taemin was facing a dilemma. He breathed a deep sigh, still using all of his willpower to keep his hands to himself.

“Will Jonghyun-hyung be okay with it?” he asked after a while.

Kibum nodded as his smile grew bigger.

“He will, don’t worry, Min. By the way, something strange happened. When…that…first happened, hyung asked for you. I wasn’t sure what to make of it – actually, I wondered if I was hallucinating and projecting my own…wish to see you onto himself.

“But recently, he asked again, so it must have been right. I think he wants to see you. Would you visit him?”

“Of course I would.”

Taemin was perfectly aware that his answer came a little too quickly, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. After all the time he had spent worrying, he couldn’t wait to talk to Jonghyun in person.

Even though he shouldn’t, he cared so much for the older boy and by visiting him, Taemin could make sure Kibum wasn’t the only one who had gotten his happiness back.

Suddenly, there was a grin on Taemin’s face.

“I’ll visit him this weekend, even!”

So much for his resolution to keep his distance from the couple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we are, finally, with a chapter that's a bit happier. the story is far from being over of course, but things are gonna get a lot lighter from now on.  
how are you doing? i hope none of you have caught the coronavirus or are in any other danger, and that you are also well mentally. as for me, i'm so-so. i'm not sure if i've ever mentioned it openly like this, but i have severe emetophobia (fear of vomiting). it's gotten worse over the last few months and has gotten to a point where my hands are raw and bleeding from washing them too much. i also feel sick a lot (like right now) but i've lost the ability to tell whether i'm really feeling it or it's just in my head. either way, it sucks because it keeps me from going to sleep and from eating. has anyone else been in a similar situation before?  
anyway, i hope i'm gonna feel better tomorrow and that all of you are doing fine. i'll see you next week (and thanks for the kind comments!).


	11. XI - Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> Talks of suicide attempt

Taemin stood in front of his wardrobe, conflicted. He had no idea what to wear. For some reason, it didn’t feel right nor adequate to go to the hospital in his everyday clothes.

Hospitals were places full of seriousness, where neither kids nor teenagers really belonged. It was a place linked to grief, to worries that were too big for even adults to carry. And even if Jonghyun was recovering, Taemin felt a lot of pressure to choose the right outfit.

Suddenly, there was a knock on his door and as he hummed in approval, his mother stepped into his room with a pile of folded clothes. On top of it rested Taemin’s favorite flannel, the one he had frantically been looking for earlier.

“Oh, thanks mum!”

He snatched the piece from the pile, making his mother frown in confusion.

“May I ask where you are going?”

“Um…”

Blood rose up Taemin’s neck and painted his cheeks red. He suddenly felt indescribably awkward facing his mother like this.

“I’m visiting Jonghyun-hyung,” he finally got out.

“Jonghyun? Wasn’t that the boy who… The boyfriend of Jongin’s sibling?”

“That’s right,” Taemin confirmed. “He’s getting better and asked to see me. So I’m going…but I don’t know what to bring. Flowers would be too much, wouldn’t they?”

“Well…”

After placing the pile of clothes on his bed, Taemin’s mother stepped closer to her son with a thoughtful hum.

“Do you know if there’s anything he likes? Chocolate? Any other candy? Kimchi?”

“I don’t wanna be overbearing.”

Taemin shifted uncomfortably at the thought of bringing Jonghyun homemade Kimchi.

“Besides, are you even allowed to have that at the hospital? I’m sure they’re pretty strict about food and stuff…”

“True…” Taemin’s mother thought for a moment.

“I’ll give you a few thousand won so you can buy him anything,” she finally said. “But I’m sure he won’t be mad if you don’t bring anything, Minnie.”

___________________________

Two hours later, a bundle of nerves otherwise known as Lee Taemin stepped through the doors of the hospital he had been to once before, clutching the bag he was carrying tightly. Although he was happy with what he had ended up getting for Jonghyun, he still felt nervous and out of place as he slowly walked towards the reception.

People were passing him left and right; everyone seemed to be busy with something important. Taemin tried to swallow his fear as he finally stepped up to the counter, mustering up all of his courage.

“I’m…uh…here to see someone. He’s a patient here.”

“What’s his name?” the receptionist asked, her face expressionless.

“K-Kim Jonghyun.”

“Hold on.”

She turned to the computer and typed something at a really fast pace; then the woman turned back to Taemin.

“He’s in this building, 4th floor, room 452. Take the elevator at the end of the hall. Next!”

Not really encouraged by the short encounter, Taemin made his way towards the lifts. He almost stumbled as he walked through the door but managed to regain his balance fast enough.

Thanking god silently for saving him, he pressed the button of the 4th floor. However, after hesitating for a second, he did the same with all the other buttons below the right one.

Taemin’s stomach was churning as the elevator stopped at each floor. He had been hoping to buy himself some time before facing Jonghyun, but now he began to wonder if that had really been the right decision. Being in a cramped elevator just made him feel like throwing up.

Finally, he reached the right floor. For a moment, Taemin contemplated just taking the elevator to the ground floor again and leaving without visiting Jonghyun, but he knew he couldn’t do that.

He decided to man up and stepped outside. On his way to Room 452, he passed a tall man who looked painfully thin but otherwise quite healthy. The encounter made Taemin realize that he had no idea what kind of patients were kept on the 4th floor.

Were they all here because of the same thing? Did they all do what Jonghyun had done?

Taemin hardly noticed he had already made it to the right room. However, the second his eyes found the sign at the door, his nerves returned with a vengeance and he had to take a deep breath in order not to fall into a panic.

Why was it so goddamn hard to visit Jonghyun?

Taemin had no idea. He only knew that his reaction was unnatural, that he shouldn’t worry this much about a simple visit at the hospital. But he had spent nights lying awake fearing for Jonghyun’s life and now he was here to see him – what would he say?

A sheet was stuck to the door, two names printed on it. “Kim Jonghyun” was written there, right next to “Kim Hansol”. Taemin hoped that Kim Hansol wouldn’t be present.

Trying to ignore his rapidly beating hard, Taemin raised his fist to knock at the door. He almost jumped at the noise he had made, as it was louder than he had expected. Before he could think much about anything, though, a familiar voice rang out to him, slightly muffled by the wood it had to travel through.

“Come in.”

Taemin timidly pressed down the handle and slipped into the room. He made sure to close the door as quietly as possible, focusing fully on that one task so that he would not have time to look anywhere else.

“Taemin-ah?”

Of course, Jonghyun spotted him immediately. Taemin was startled when he heard his name, but he tried not to let it show as he peeked up through his bangs.

“H-hyung, I…I came by.”

“I can see that.”

Jonghyun was sitting at a table by the window. The hospital room wasn’t very spacious yet big enough to fit two beds, nightstands, a few chairs and some cars loaded with medical equipment.

As Taemin remained standing close to the door, Jonghyun got up from his chair; however, he didn’t come any closer.

The whole situation was awkward and Taemin was at a loss for what to do. He and Jonghyun weren’t close enough to hug, but it would be weird for them to shake hands too. In the end, Taemin just stretched out his hand with the bag in it.

“I brought you something,” he rushed out, already feeling the heat return to his face.

“Oh.”

Jonghyun’s eyes widened. They were already big in their natural state, but now he looked even more like a cute puppy – Taemin’s blush deepened at the thought.

Gentle as ever, Jonghyun took the bag from Taemin’s hands. Now there was hardly any distance between them, but Taemin, for some reason, felt more comfortable as Jonghyun began to unwrap the small present he had bought earlier.

Despite not wanting to, Taemin couldn’t help observing him intently. His heart skipped a beat when Jonghyun’s face lit up.

“You got me a candle!” he exclaimed, and he sounded so happy that Taemin forgot why he was here. “It’s scented too! It’s got orange, but also cinnamon and pine aromes?”

Taemin silently nodded. He didn’t tell Jonghyun that he had spent almost half an hour searching for the perfect candle, that he had remembered how Jonghyun liked the cold season and that he had picked one to remind him of Christmas.

“You told me once that you liked to light scented candles in your car, so I bought you one.”

“Thank you so much, I love it!” Jonghyun beamed.

Taemin noticed that he didn’t refuse to take the present like most other people would have – that was the power of Kim Jonghyun, who knew how to make others feel comfortable and wanted.

Then Taemin remembered that he had almost lost Jonghyun – the realization was akin to a punch in the gut.

“Why don’t we sit at the table and light this thing?” Jonghyun suggested in a soft voice. “My roommate probably won’t return anytime soon.”

Two minutes later, he and Taemin were both seated at the table, a bit of space between them. Contrary to what he had feared, Taemin felt neither like an intruder nor out of place. Even if he wasn’t as close to Jonghyun, coming here seemed to have been the right decision.

“I got your letter,” Jonghyun said after he had lit the candle carefully. “I wanted to thank you for it. It wasn’t really expected, but I like knowing that you care about me. It feels nice.”

“I do, though.”

For the umpteenth time that day, Taemin was blushing, stuttering, embarrassing himself.

“I don’t know why, but I cared a lot. I always wondered how you were doing, so when Kibum-hyung told me you had asked for me, I came to see you.”

Jonghyun chuckled almost noiselessly.

“Well, to be honest with you, I’m okay. I’m getting by. The last few weeks have been confusing and exhausting and whatnot, but I think it’s getting better.”

He gave a smile at that, but now Taemin realized how exhausted the older looked.

“I could already be home if I wanted to,” Jonghyun continued, “but I chose to stay here longer, for as long as they can accommodate me. What happened made me realize it was time for a change.”

At the last sentence, Taemin felt the sudden inexplainable urge swallow against the lump in his throat. He didn’t know if he was ready to talk about this matter to the person who was the most involved in it, Jonghyun himself.

His heart was becoming unbearably heavy, but he continued to listen nonetheless as Jonghyun spoke.

“I’m going to be honest if that’s okay. I didn’t mean to kill myself that night. I didn’t even plan to try anything. Of course I’ve thought about it too many times to count, but it usually wasn’t more than a thought. Something to take off the pressure.

“I’m not sure how much Kibum has told you about me.” Jonghyun sighed. “I’m depressed. I’ve got a diagnosis and everything. I can’t sleep and I also experience anxiety. It’s terrible, but I don’t like to rub it in everyone’s face. Just like Kibum is quiet about his issues, I am quiet about mine.

“Sometimes I can’t breathe. Sometimes I can’t talk, I can’t touch anyone or even look at them. Sometimes I get stuck in my own head for days and it feels like I’m drowning but there’s nothing to hold on to.

“Other times, I don’t feel anything. And a few times, it has happened that everything just comes together, crashing down on top of me, and I don’t know who I am anymore.”

Jonghyun paused for a moment and let his gaze wander across Taemin’s face, as if he wanted to check that he could take it.

“I used to pretend a lot, especially in the past six months. I never want to hurt people and it breaks my heart to see Kibum so down whenever I’m not feeling well. We’ve been sharing almost everything for years, but I feel like I was hurting him and my family too much, so I said I was fine.

“A lot of effort just went into pretending, so I became even more exhausted. I didn’t even know what it felt like to not be tired anymore. And that night, something went wrong in my head I think.”

Taemin could feel his bottom lip tremble slightly. He knew what was about to come, but nothing could compare to hearing the words from Jonghyun’s mouth.

“I was so desperate. So tired. I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep but it didn’t work no matter what I tried. I don’t remember a lot from that night. At one point, I opened the bottle with my mum’s sleeping pills and just poured them into my hand and downed them all, because I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Then there’s a gap, but I remember being on my bed, crying and panicking. I didn’t really know what was happening, but I was so afraid. After that, there’s nothing.

“I know Sodam-noona called an ambulance and they were able to empty out my stomach. The dose I took wasn’t enough to kill me, but it did put me in serious danger.”

Jonghyun’s gaze wandered from Taemin to the window, which depicted a great view of the hospital’s park – too beautiful to be part of this situation, of their talk.

“To put it short, waking up and realizing what I had done without planning to…and the fact that I hurt my family so much; that really fucked with my brain for a while.

“But after a few days, people still kept talking to me and asking me to accept help and I slowly started to realize that maybe this is the point to start for me. I always thought I could deal with this on my own. Well, obviously, I wasn’t doing a good job, but I didn’t think anyone else could help, either.

“I’m still not sure now. But I think it’s at least worth a try.”

Jonghyun clapped his hands once, to signal he was done talking.

“So, now you know everything. Any questions?”

Taemin shook his head. He was sure that if he had opened his mouth, no words would have come out anyway. Hearing Jonghyun’s story was hard and he still felt like he had been kicked in the gut more than once. The only thing that amazed him was the fact that Jonghyun could talk about the whole thing so openly.

Before today, Taemin had pictured him very differently. He had at least assumed Jonghyun was still stuck in a phase of depression, but the older seemed productive, _happy_ almost. However, given what had happened the last time Jonghyun had appeared to be getting better, Taemin didn’t know if he could trust his instincts on this one.

“Okay, so I can show you my room,” Jonghyun suggested.

He probably knew Taemin still had a hard time processing the story he had just heard – he was Kim Jonghyun after all.

“It’s not much,” he started and pointed at the bed to their left.

“This one’s mine. The mess on the nightstand is mine too; I’ve been trying to write down some stuff, but it’s quite hard as you can see. By the way, Kibum told me you had your first ever dance competition in high school a few weeks ago. How did that go?”

“I screwed it up,” Taemin admitted, slightly embarrassed. “I didn’t focus well on that day. My coach didn’t even yell at me. He just looked at me with sad eyes and told me that could happen, which says a lot.”

“It does, he’s quite an animal sometimes, especially when it comes to his job.”

Taemin oftentimes forgot that before he had come around, Jonghyun had also gone to his school. That was why he had to know most of the teachers there.

“Don’t worry, Taemin-ah, it won’t be your last competition. I’m pretty sure you’ll nail the next one.”

“Thanks. For now, summer break comes first, though.”

Taemin was about to ask if Jonghyun had any plans, but then he remembered his surroundings and quickly shut his mouth. Kibum’s boyfriend was probably going to be stuck in this hospital for a few weeks, which meant his summer wouldn’t be pleasant at all.

Jonghyun just laughed at Taemin’s statement, though.

“Right. Kibum will be off school, but he already warned me that he’s going to study like crazy for his SATs. He’s already anxious, although he’s easily on top of most of his classes.”

It was only now that Taemin realized what Jonghyun had been referring to – this was Kibum’s last year in high school after all. In the past months, he had seemingly juggled everything with ease – tutoring, school, friends – so it had been easy for Taemin to forget.

But suddenly, he realized that Kibum probably wouldn’t have a lot of time to spare in the next months. Despite his resolution, the thought made him sad.

“Oh my, it’s already been an hour!” Jonghyun suddenly exclaimed, snapping Taemin out of his thoughts. “I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I have another appointment in a few minutes. But it was really nice for you to come by, Taemin-ah. Thank you so much for the candle!”

Like a perfect gentleman, Jonghyun guided Taemin to the door where he sent him off with a warm smile.

“I hope we’ll see each other again soon!”

The words made Taemin’s heart feel a lot lighter as he walked down the corridor, finding his way back to the hospital lobby with a little difficulty.

Right next to the entrance hall was the cafeteria and Taemin decided to treat himself before taking the bus home. However, he didn’t make it farther than a few meters as a familiar voice called out to him.

“Minnie! Taemin!”

Taemin’s head whipped around to face Key, who was sitting at a table nearby with another guy, waving wildly. She looked more excited than Taemin had seen her in weeks – maybe it was because of the wig she was wearing.

It had been a while since he had seen Key with long hair, Taemin thought as he walked over.

“Noona! I didn’t know you were here. I just visited Jonghyun-hyung, but he’s got an appointment now.”

“That’s good to know,” Key smiled. “He doesn’t know I’m coming – I’m planning to surprise him. By the way, Taemin…”

She pointed at the guy next to her, whose dark eyes rested on Taemin’s face.

“…this is Minsung, Jonghyun’s roommate.”

Taemin nodded as a greeting, trying not to look surprised. Minsung seemed to be around his age, though he was smaller and scrawnier than Taemin himself. His eyes were wary as he kept watching Taemin and his fingers drummed a nervous beat on the table.

However, the most striking thing about him were the white bandages wrapped around both of his wrists which were bouncing against the wood. Taemin tried not to stare.

“We were just eating a bite, but Minsung said they had an appointment, too, right?”

Minsung gave a plain nod.

“Will you keep me company then, after they’re gone?” Key asked Taemin, who already knew he couldn’t resist her batted eyelashes and pouting lips anyway.

“But only if you treat me to icecream,” he nonetheless gave a cheeky response, at which Key let out a small giggle.

“Of course, I should have known. See, Minsung-ah, that’s what I have to deal with on a daily basis. This is my Taemin, the worst dongsaeng in the world!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's your chapter for the week!  
sadly, i won't be able to update next weekend since i'm gonna go home to visit my parents and then i'm off to paris to see super m straight after, meaning i won't take my laptop with me. i hope everything goes well, though, i'm super excited to see our taemin <33333  
hope all of you are alright. some people also responded to my last author's note and i'm really grateful for that. it means a lot that i can share some of my personal struggles here without feeling afraid of being judged.  
please have a nice week, everyone - stay safe and spend your time happily if you can!  
i'll see you soon.


	12. XII - Loose Sheets

The next time Taemin visited Jonghyun took place not even two weeks after the first time he had been to the hospital. Taemin himself hadn’t thought the moment would come so soon, but Key begged him to do her a favor at school.

“Please help me out, Taemin,” she pleaded. “I promised Jonghyun-hyung I’d visit today, but now I’ve got a meeting with my faculty advisor and I don’t… I don’t want him to be disappointed. Can’t you go in my stead?”

Even though it was only a small thing and Taemin was certain Jonghyun would have forgiven her, Key seemed desperate. When Taemin saw the wet shimmer in her eyes, he knew how serious she was.

“Fine, noona, I’ll go,” he agreed.

He didn’t want her to cry.

That was how Taemin found himself at the hospital once again, though this time he didn’t ask for the way. A crucial mistake, as it turned out – sometimes Taemin’s brain was like a sieve.

For almost twenty minutes he wandered around like a lost child, trying to remember which one of the endless hallways was the right one. That was until he ran into someone familiar.

It was the person Key had been with last week, Jonghyun’s roommate. Luckily, Taemin did remember his name, so he called out to him.

“Minsung?”

Minsung whipped around, his brow furrowing when he recognized Taemin. He didn’t come any closer; however, he didn’t walk away either.

“Can I help you?”

“I’m supposed to visit Jonghyun,” Taemin stammered, slightly embarrassed. “But it seems like I’ve forgotten where his room is located. All these floors look the exact same.”

“Follow me.”

Without another word, Minsung took off, leading Taemin down a few hallways and up a set of stairs until the two of them reached the familiar door with the nameplates on it.

“Here you go.”

Minsung’s voice was so quiet that Taemin almost didn’t catch it.

“Thank you for-“ he began to talk, but Jonghyun’s roommate was already gone.

There was nothing left for Taemin to do except for knocking on the door.

“’bum?” Jonghyun’s slurred voice sounded through the wood.

Seconds later, the door opened a bit, revealing a disheveled looking Jonghyun dressed in an oversized shirt that did its best to hide his broad shoulders and muscular arms.

“It’s me, hyung,” Taemin piped up as he tried not to think about how cute sleepy Jonghyun looked. “I’m sorry, Key-noona couldn’t make it.”

“Oh, Taemin?”

Jonghyun’s eyes were clouded with confusion, but he opened the door nonetheless, allowing Taemin to enter.

“You’ve got to excuse me,” Key’s boyfriend said as he shuffled over to the bed and began to straighten his messy bedsheets. “I just took a nap. My new medication does make me quite sleepy. It’s weird honestly, it feels like I’ve slept more in the past few days than I have in half a year.”

As if to prove a point, Jonghyun yawned. Taemin had to suppress a smile.

“Key’s got an appointment at school,” he went on to explain his visit. “She asked me to come here instead. I hope that’s okay. I mean, I know I’m not the person you want to see right now, but…”

“You’re right. I really can’t stand looking at your face.”

Taemin’s heart sank. For a moment, he was absolutely certain Jonghyun was speaking to him honestly, but that was only until the older chuckled at him.

“I’m sorry, I’m only joking. Sometimes, I’m always as savage as Key.”

“Hyung,” Taemin whined as he let himself flop onto the chair by the table.

He felt like Jonghyun had just taken at least ten years off his lifespan – only figuratively of course.

“If you don’t mind, I’ll go to the bathroom to wash up a bit,” Jonghyun suggested. “Then we can do whatever.”

After he had left, Taemin let his gaze wander. He noticed that the candles he had bought were still in the same spot in the middle of the table, though they looked more burned down than the last time he had visited.

This time, not only Jonghyun’s nightstand but the table, too, was covered in loose pages filled with scribbles. Taemin spotted a few music sheets close to him and picked them up to get a better look.

Almost unconsciously, he started to quietly hum the notes Jonghyun must have written down. After years of playing the piano, Taemin was quite confident at reading sheet music. Even though he didn’t have lessons anymore, he trusted himself enough to play Jonghyun’s melody.

The second Taemin heard Key’s boyfriend return from the bathroom, he put down the sheets. He didn’t want to be caught reading something that might be private – what if Jonghyun got mad at him?

The older didn’t seem to have noticed, though. He did look a little bit more awake now, sending Taemin a sheepish smile.

“Do you want to go outside? I still haven’t had the chance to look around the park, even though I’ve wanted to since Day 1.”

That was how Taemin and Jonghyun ended up in the hospital’s garden. It was quite spacious, but the countless trees, flower beds and benches did enough to fill it up nicely. Many patients seemed to have had the same idea as Jonghyun and were promenading up and down the garden’s paths.

However, the two boys still had enough space to talk comfortably.

“It’s really pretty here,” Jonghyun said as he pointed at a purple flower at the side of the pathway. “I didn’t think it would be like that, since it’s part of the hospital.”

“Maybe that’s part of the therapy they offer,” Taemin suggested. “Letting everyone see the beautiful flowers and breathe in some fresh air. You’d think we are out of town.”

“I’m sure being a gardener and taking care of all this is a hard job. But also a beautiful one.”

Jonghyun sighed.

“I’m probably gonna get a job, too. I’ve talked about it to my therapist and my mum and Key and they all agreed it would be good for me to be occupied with something once I go home. It’s unhealthy to sit around all day.”

“Aren’t you going to study, hyung?” Taemin asked.

He had never thought about this matter before, but it did seem odd that Jonghyun hadn’t applied to any university after school.

Key’s boyfriend shook his head.

“Not yet. At the moment, I’m waiting until Key comes off age. We want to enlist together.”

Taemin stopped walking. Jonghyun had painfully reminded him of the fact that in their home country, every male had to complete a military service of almost two years. And just like Jonghyun, Key was registered as male.

“You want to enlist?” Taemin quietly ask, just to make sure.

He didn’t even care if enlistment meant that he wouldn’t get to see either of them for over 18 months. The only thing present on his mind was Key – how could she become a soldier?

“I know it sounds crazy, but we can’t help it.”

Jonghyun sent him a sad little smile.

“Sooner or later, we’ll have to complete our duty. No one cares if Key doesn’t want to be a boy. People aren’t really open-minded in this country and in the army it’s even worse. She’ll have to pretend she’s a man even when she’s not.

“We both know it’s going to be terrible, since we can’t be honest about our…relationship either. But as I said, we have to get it done sooner or later, so we decided to just get it over with.

“Afterwards, I want to study music if there’s any chance for me. I’ve thought about it a lot and even though it’s not easy to find a job in this field, it’s what I want to do for the rest of my life.”

Taemin could barely suppress a shiver at the word ‘life’. It seemed surreal to him, hearing Jonghyun talk about his future as if nothing had ever happened. When talking to the older, it was easy to forget about his struggles, but Taemin’s mind reminded him often that nothing was fine.

He tried not to let his thoughts show, though.

“I saw your sheet music,” he said instead. “It’s a nice melody. Really calming and peaceful.”

“It’s from before I got here,” Jonghyun confessed. “Isn’t it weird that while my mind is in such a dark place, all I can write are beautiful, serene melodies?”

“Have you never written anything dark?”

“Of course I have. Countless times. But the songs that stuck with me the most, up to this day, are the nice ones. The ones that have a happy ending.”

“That’s a beautiful thought, though…”

Against his will, Taemin felt his lips morph into a smile that was just the slightest bit sad.

“By the way, how come you can read sheet music?” Jonghyun suddenly inquired, his eyes full of curiosity. “It’s not necessary for dancing, is it?”

“Not really. But I know how to play the piano.”

“Me too. I’m no genius, but I can do a little. And do you wanna know what else I can play?”

Jonghyun’s smirk grew mischievous as he leaned over to Taemin.

“I can play the kazoo.”

“The kazoo?”

The thought was just too ridiculous – without a warning, Taemin burst into laughter, closely followed by Jonghyun. The two of them only stopped when Key’s boyfriend suddenly froze, his features softening.

Taemin was about to ask what had happened when Jonghyun charged forward, almost throwing himself at a tiny figure a few meters away from them. When Taemin came closer, he realized Jonghyun was cuddling a small dog.

“Isn’t he cute?” Jonghyun cooed, making heart-eyes at the animal. “And he’s so soft and fluffy. Who groomed your fur, hm?”

He petted the dogs head and Taemin felt seriously conflicted because he didn’t know who he should find cuter – Jonghyun or the dog.

The puppy made a noise of approvement after sniffing Taemin’s hand, so the younger boy also began to pet it carefully. Meanwhile, the owner of the dog had joined them, smiling down at the two boys.

As soon as Jonghyun spotted the lady, he scrambled to his feet, bowing almost at a 90° angle.

“I’m so sorry, I should have asked first.”

“No, it’s fine,” the woman smiled. “She loves it when people appreciate her fur. I just took her to get it groomed yesterday, so it’s especially soft.”

“She’s so pretty,” Jonghyun sighed as he threw the dog a longing glance. “I usually don’t attack dogs like that, but it’s been so long since I’ve last seen one. That’s why I just couldn’t hold myself back.”

“Oh, it’s fine dear. Are you a resident here?”

“I am,” Jonghyun nodded.

“Well, then I hope you get better soon.”

“I will, especially with the help of your puppy!”

Taemin and Jonghyun petted the small dog a few more times before politely bidding its owner goodbye. They both kept their eyes on the puppy until it had waddled out of sight. Then, Jonghyun sighed.

“I wish I had a dog.”

“My grandparents have one,” Taemin told him. “I begged my parents for one when I was younger, but they said they couldn’t make it work with me going to the boarding school. I was really upset back then, but now I understand them.

“I hope I can buy a dog when I’m older and living on my own, though.”

“Dogs are my favorite, but I like animals in general,” Jonghyun said after a short pause. “If you take care of them, they give you unconditional love in return. No matter how shitty your day has been, no matter if you flipped everyone off and shut everyone out… No matter if you didn’t have the energy to cuddle with them, in the end of the day, they still want to see you.

“They don’t care if you’re rude or boring or tired…they love you either way.”

He trailed off, staring at the spot where the puppy had been a few moments before.

“Sometimes, I think I’m just not cut out for human relationships. You constantly have to put in effort and sometimes, I just can’t do it. No matter how hard I try, I can’t always be there for someone, no matter how much I love them.”

Taemin bit his lip. He wanted to say something, to tell Jonghyun it was okay, but he didn’t want to offend him in any way.

“That’s why people have friends, though, hyung,” he finally mumbled after a few seconds of silence. “Most people have more than one person to take care of them. And if one isn’t able to love them, someone else will step in. It’s like that for everyone – and it’s fine.”

“You’re right.”

Jonghyun glanced at Taemin and for once, his expression remained unreadable.

“Thank you. How about we go grab a bite from the cafeteria?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ............jonghyun soft :(((((.............
> 
> guys. okay, i've had the craziest week and rn, i'm suffering from the most severe case of post concert depression i've had so far. i don't remember if i wrote about this before, but i went to paris to see superm. i saw lee fckng taemin with my own two eyes and ever since, my love for him has grown impossibly. he's phenomenal, a breathtaking performer, the best dancer i can name and his voice sounds even better live. sorry if i'm being sappy rn, but i'm so full of love for him i could cry.   
during the ments, taemin was so awkward and adorable. he's so tiny you wouldn't believe it (that literally was my first thought when they appeared, so i wonder how tiny jjong must be lol). sadly, taem did seem tired and also the slightest bit uncomfortable at some points, which made me a bit worried - maybe he just had a bad day though, since he looked better in the london vids and i think the crowd in paris also suprised him with how loud we were.   
the rest of the group are absolute cutes as well, don't even get me started on lucas and how much he slayed that concert. baek too, his vocals are unreal and he's hella funny. taeyong seemed tired too but he had a lot of fun during baby don't stop. jongin and mark were being hella clingy with each other (bless mark btw, he's so talented and i can't believe he's basically leading through the talks even though he's the youngest). lastly, ten - he wrecked me so hard, i still can't believe it. we got to celebrate his bday with him and he posted a rlly cute and moving story afterwards thanking everyone...i melted. taemin really claimed him btw, he put cake on ten's nose and hugged him a lot. they're absolutely powerful together. also, pictures don't do either of them justice - they're ethereal irl.  
anyway, now i'm shinee bogoshipdaing hard. i hope i'll get to see shinee together at least once in my life, and i'd def wanna see superm again and solo taem too.  
and really, that concert meant so much to me bc until we bought the tickets, i always thought i'd never see shinee anyway. still can't really believe it tbh. everyone deserves to see their ults at some point!  
i hope all of you also had a nice week! pls take care of yourselves, esp w the virus and everything that's going on. can't have anyone here getting sick, do you hear me? no but srsly, i rlly do hope everything is fine. i'll see you next week!
> 
> PS: watch me get into exo again after like one and a half years of not stanning.


	13. XIII - Couple

When Kibum asked Taemin to hang out days later, he was more than excited. They hadn’t been around each other a lot, with the older of the two being preoccupied with both homework, exams and his boyfriend.

It was almost boring to Taemin.

He wished he had another excuse to drop by at the hospital, but after a few minutes of thinking, he figured it would be weird to appear on Jonghyun’s doorstep so shortly after they had last seen each other.

Taemin had mostly been doing one thing recently – dancing. After the short summer break the students would get, a new round of competitions would take place and his coach had high hopes for him and the team.

Although the prospect of competing made a feeling of discomfort bubble up in Taemin’s stomach, he decided to swallow it back down. What he was experiencing wasn’t rational.

The last time he had danced in a competition, he had received the terrible news a few nights before, but history wouldn’t repeat itself, would it?

There was just something a bit too familiar about his situation – practicing five times a week and having his coach monitor him more closely than ever – that made Taemin restless.

Therefore, he felt more than relieved when Kibum texted him.

“Are you free later? Let’s go get some icecream.”

Now, half a day later, the two of them had plopped down onto a bench, both of them holding their cones – but Kibum was acting weird.

He seemed to be in a great mood. A smile was constantly on his face as he spoke and he burst into laughter at the slightest hint of a joke, a behavior that seemed very odd for someone as snarky and blunt as him.

Another thing he tried far too often was getting close to Taemin.

“Hyung,” the younger boy whined as Kibum, once again, took the hand that wasn’t holding any icecream and started to play with his fingers. “Stop it.”

“Your hands are so cute,” Kibum said with a dopey smile, “they’re so small and chubby. I could keep touching them all day.”

“But you won’t.”

Taemin forcefully pulled back his hand. Kibum’s advancements were making him quite uncomfortable. At the back of his mind, the resolution to keep his distance from both Kibum and Jonghyun was still present.

He knew he was already failing miserably, but Kibum was making it this much harder.

Now, the older was looking at him with huge eyes, his bottom lip jutted out in a disgusting attempt of trying to be cute.

“Let me try your icecream?”

“I thought you only liked chocolate,” Taemin grumbled but let Kibum reach for his cone nonetheless.

When the older gave it a small lick, he made sure to cringe visibly.

“Gross.”

“Stop being so mean, Taemin. What’s going on with you?”

Kibum handed him his ice cream back. It took Taemin a while to notice that afterwards, he kept on staring at him with a frown. His reaction must really have confused Kibum.

“Sorry, hyung,” Taemin quickly apologized. “I’m a bit…I don’t know…tired I guess?”

He didn’t mention that Kibum’s sudden skinship made him feel all kinds of things he wasn’t supposed to feel, especially not now.

“Well, you’re not the only one,” Kibum suddenly sighed. “I don’t know how Minho does it, but I’m absolutely exhausted. Our teachers have been going at us harder than ever. Sometimes I really wonder if all this stuff we learn will actually be helpful to us at some point. Surely doesn’t feel like it, though.”

“Did you know, hyung, I’m doing well in English now,” Taemin proudly said.

It was true that after things had calmed down around Jonghyun, his academic performance had improved a lot. Part of the reason why was the fact that he didn’t have anyone to talk to in class anymore, since he hadn’t spoken a single word with Jongin ever since their fight.

“Oh really? Never thought that would happen,” Kibum teased, but his smile showed how happy he really was.

Before Taemin could duck away, he reached out and ruffled the younger boy’s hair, which made him scoff.

“Hyung, stop. Please.”

“I kinda wanna give you a new haircut,” Kibum mused. “I mean, you’re absolutely adorable right now, but I think if you looked…less like a mushroom, we could bring out some other qualities of yours.

“Your face, for example, is really handsome. I wonder what you would look like with bleached hair.”

Taemin stayed silent. He thought he had successfully averted Kibum’s affections, but instead it seemed to be getting worse. Hearing the other compliment him constantly made Taemin’s chest swell against his will.

He tried his best to suppress the feeling, but his cheeks were still coated by a light blush when Kibum gently cupped his face with his hands.

“Yeah, I think you’d look great.”

“Hyung!”

It took Taemin a lot of self-control not to lean into Kibum’s touch. To forget about the fact that his heart was racing faster, he scooted away, putting a bit of distance between himself and Jonghyun’s boyfriend.

Kibum bit his lip.

“Right, I’m sorry. I should really stop. I’m serious about your hair, though.”

Taemin, who was already feeling bad about his harsh reaction, sighed.

“Maybe I’ll let you do it. But not now.”

He gave his icecream a few licks in order not to have to say anything else. Things were getting awkward.

Kibum was a lot touchier than usual, and Taemin’s resolve was melting like the polar ice caps. He knew he couldn’t get too close to Kibum, or else he would find himself in a similar situation like the day he had found out about Kibum’s abusive father.

And Taemin couldn’t do that to Jonghyun.

As if he had read the younger boy’s mind, Kibum suddenly sighed after glancing at his wristwatch.

“It’s late already, and I’ve got some clothes to deliver. Care to join me?”

“Sure. Where are we going?” Taemin asked as he walked down the street alongside Kibum.

“The hospital. Jonghyun-hyung is running out of things to wear. But let me tell you, this is the perfect opportunity for me to dress him up. That man is a walking fashion disaster – he’s even worse than you.”

“Come on, hyung, my mum always says I look fine!”

“She’s your mum, Min.”

Kibum threw Taemin a glance that immediately made him shut up in embarrassment. Nonetheless, Taemin was more than happy to have escaped the previous situation safely like that.

It seemed like he just couldn’t stand sitting on a bench with Kibum. No matter how many times he told himself he should stop liking the older so much, his body seemed to act at its own will.

Chattering while walking the way they were at the moment was a lot easier.

Soon enough, Taemin had almost forgotten about the way Kibum had made him feel. Too bad that the memories did come back with a vengeance the moment they arrived in front of Jonghyun’s door.

Kibum gently knocked against the wood and not even two seconds later, Jonghyun opened with an uncharacteristically bright smile.

“Bum!” he happily exclaimed before doing what any boyfriend would probably do – pulling Kibum in for a kiss.

Taemin had to look away. His heart was beating too fast again and he just couldn’t watch Kibum’s and Jonghyun’s lasting kiss. They weren’t making out, but the gesture still felt too intimate to Taemin. He wished they would have done it after entering the room.

“Feeling okay?” Taemin heard Jonghyun’s muffled voice and realized in horror that the older was probably speaking against Kibum’s lips right now.

“Hmh,” he heard the hummed answer. “Today’s great.”

Finally, after a whole eternity, Jonghyun decided to acknowledge Taemin’s presence as well.

“Hi Taemin.”

“Hi hyung,” Taemin mumbled.

He couldn’t look him in the eye. However, staring at Jonghyun’s chest and realizing his shirt was exposing way too much of his collarbones wasn’t exactly a better thing to do.

“Did you join Bum in bringing me my clothes? Excuse me for looking like this, I really have nothing else to wear and Minsung wouldn’t stop complaining when I ran around topless earlier.”

“Don’t worry, hyung. It…um…it looks great,” Taemin lied through his teeth.

“Ah, I’m sorry, I’m forgetting my manners. Do you want to come in?”

Without waiting for an answer, Jonghyun ushered them inside and gestured for them to sit at the table. As to avoid looking at both him and Kibum, Taemin let his gaze wander.

Minsung was sitting on the other bed and reading a book. He seemed completely unfazed by Jonghyun’s visitors and didn’t even look up when Kibum started talking in a low voice.

“How are you sleeping, hyung?”

“Okay.”

Taemin could hear the smile in Jonghyun’s voice.

“My body is still adjusting to the meds, but I’m doing okay. Don’t worry too much, okay?”

“I’ll try.”

Closing his eyes, Kibum leant closer to Jonghyun, who pulled him in so that his head was resting against his neck. Taemin, who had just dared to look up again, was fascinated by how natural the action seemed.

He swallowed. His mouth was uncomfortably dry, which made him cough. That sound, in turn, caused Jonghyun to look at him directly.

“Oh, are you alright, Taemin-ah?”

“Throat’s a bit dry. We just had icecream.”

“Vanilla, I hope.”

“Chocolate,” Kibum pointedly said, although he didn’t move from his position.

“What a tragedy.”

Jonghyun sighed exasperatedly and Taemin, after glancing aside to check if Kibum was looking, raised his eyebrows to tell him he liked vanilla just as much as chocolate. Jonghyun chuckled.

“Well, I’ve given up on trying to change you. How’s the studying going?”

“Ugh, it’s alright, I hate Maths.”

With a groan, Kibum buried his face deeper in the crook of Jonghyun’s neck. The older rolled his eyes.

“You see,” he said to Taemin, “Bum makes it sound like he’s terrible at Maths and keeps whining that he hates it, but he’s still better at it then like 80% of all the other people, including me.”

“I’m good at Maths.”

“Me too,” Minsung piped up.

Kibum dismissed them with a wave before his face re-emerged from Jonghyun’s neck. “You two are both like, 13 – back then it still used to be easy.”

Taemin scowled at him for mentioning his age, but Minsung didn’t even budge. It wasn’t even clear if he was still listening or had tuned out of their conversation in favor of reading a book.

Jonghyun, Kibum and occasionally Taemin spent a few more minutes bickering back and forth, while the latter tried his best to ignore the couple’s affectionate behavior towards each other.

The worst was that while he had tried so hard to forget about it, his brain kept reminding him that Kibum had acted the same way with Taemin earlier. The younger boy knew this had to stop, but he was at a loss for what to do and how to do it.

Finally, Jonghyun decided it was time for them to leave.

“No offense, but you’re getting heavy,” he told Kibum, receiving a light slap in return. “Besides, I don’t want you to get forcefully kicked out again like last time.”

Taemin didn’t ask about the reference Jonghyun had made until they were out the door, looking back at the name plate adorning it.

“Why did hyung say you were kicked out?”

“You know, it’s not always easy to be this lighthearted,” Kibum said as he turned to leave for the day. “Actually, it’s harder than ever to let go of Jonghyun and leave him here day after day. Today was a really good one for me, but if I’m feeling the slightest bit off – and that happens a lot – I just can’t let him go. Even when visiting hours are closed.”

He didn’t look Taemin in the eye as he spoke, but the younger could hear the vulnerability his voice was suddenly laced with.

Once again, Taemin realized that Kibum had changed. Of course, it was impossible for him not to, after almost losing the one who was most important to him, but suddenly it seemed more apparent than ever.

This time, Taemin didn’t move away when Kibum took his hand and linked their arms. They walked a few meters like that, until Kibum suddenly let go of him.

“Taemin,” he started to say in a very quiet, small voice, “I think I was a bit over-affectionate today. I’m sorry if I overstepped your boundaries or anything like that.”

“It’s fine, hyung,” Taemin replied. “I’ll tell you when it gets too much.”

In reality, he was more than glad that Kibum had taken a step back by himself. This way, it wouldn’t be too hard for Taemin to ignore his feelings anymore, and they could be the friends they were supposed to be.

Since Kibum remained quiet after his sudden apology, Taemin spoke up again. A single question had been on his mind for a few days, and after confirming his suspicions today, he was dying to ask it.

“I’ve got a question, hyung. Jonghyun’s roommate, Minsung-ssi…”

“What about Minsung?”

Taemin took a deep breath.

“The name on the door is different. It says Kim Hansol. I wanted to ask if- Is Minsung like you?”

“Oh, that.”

Suddenly, Kibum was smiling again, and he looked more at peace than Taemin had ever seen him.

“Minsung and I are facing similar issues, but we’re a bit different. I am non-binary, and Minsung identifies as agender. That means they feel like no gender at all. That’s why they are more comfortable using gender-neutral pronouns.

“Their gender identity is not the reason why they are here, as you can probably guess, but… I couldn’t believe it when I met them and started talking to them about this topic. I’ve been feeling so much better about myself ever since.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever told you, but some days, when it gets really bad, I just wanna tear at my own skin until it comes off because I hate my body so much. But after meeting Minsung, the urge hasn’t been as strong.

“It’s the first time I’ve ever gotten to know someone who feels the same way like I do in real life…and it’s really nice to know that there are more people like me out there…”

As Kibum talked, Taemin could feel his heart swell inside his chest. It was nice to hear that Kibum was doing better at least in some aspects – more than that, actually.

Now that he knew Kibum was alright, Taemin felt at ease as well. The conflicting emotions he had experienced only hours ago, the annoyance and the guilt, were all forgotten.

Right now, it was just Kibum and Taemin and whatever may or may not be between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry for not updating last week. i don't even know how it happened, i guess i probably forgot to? all i know is that the weekend was over all of a sudden and i hadn't updated. last week, i worked overtime for quite a bit, but with my country going into lockdown and social distancing, that won't happen for a while. i'll still have to work 39.5 hours a week, but there's not much for me to do since all our events were cancelled. i hope all of you are also doing okay with the virus spreading. i know these days may seem scary, but there are country's where the situation is already getting better (and no, i'm not talking about china) and we will make it through this! remember to wash your hands and take care of those who are experiencing difficulties due to the virus.  
also, just a short bit about this chapter. you may have noticed i used he/him pronouns for minsung until kibum specified their pronouns. that's because taemin, our mc, doesn't know any better. also, minsung is actually not an oc but a real person. the real minsung is a choreographer and ex toppdogg member. he also changed his name from hansol to minsung, though i think he uses he/him pronouns (never specified otherwise). he is really gifted though, so check him out, i really adore him.  
please stay safe everyone! see you all next week!


	14. XIV - Shakespeare

A week later, Key came to school with a bruised face. Her injury wasn’t too obvious, nothing more than a slight swelling and a bit of blue shimmer beneath her make-up, but Taemin still realized quickly that something must have happened.

He overheard her tell someone in the corridor she had hit her face on the doorframe at night, but she was obviously telling lies.

The second the two of them were in a somewhat secluded place, Taemin confronted her.

“It’s fine, Min,” Key assured him as she cupped her hurt cheek with her hand. “Just a small argument I got into with my dad. It wasn’t anything big, I promise.”

“How much does it hurt? Is there anything I can do to help you?”

Key shook her head.

“No, I’m sorry. It’s just a bit hard to get by at the moment because, well, usually I’d stay at Jjong’s place for a few nights after getting into a fight with my dad. But now he’s at the hospital and I don’t want to burden his mother and his sister. They’re both working to pay off his medical bills and I already feel bad for not being able to help them.

“So anyway, that’s why I am home every night, which naturally leads to…some arguments.”

She shrugged in an attempt to wave off the whole thing as a minor issue. However, Taemin wasn’t buying it.

“You can stay at my place if you want,” he immediately offered, even though he had never had friends over during the week before. “My mum…she kind of knows about you. Not about the things your father does, of course, but I told her about the rest.”

He didn’t specify which details he had told his mother, trusting Key enough to understand what he was talking about. Taemin didn’t want to bring up his crush again since he was too afraid something bad would happen if he did.

“Do you think she’d be alright with me staying at yours overnight?” Key asked.

She was still trying her hardest to seem unbothered, but the hope in her eyes betrayed her.

“Of course she will. She didn’t even budge when I told her everything… She’s really accepting and nice, so she’ll understand even if I don’t explain it to her in detail.”

“But…I’ve got to study. I’d just sit in your room all night bent over my textbooks. It will be really boring for you.”

“Don’t worry about me, noona! I’ll find a way to entertain myself. I just want you to know that if you want to sleep somewhere…where you can relax for a few nights, you’re always welcome at my house.”

“Thank you, Taemin. It really means a lot.”

Key’s voice wavered at the end, but Taemin chose not to address it.

_______________________________

Seven hours later, he had just finished preparing Key’s sleeping place while Jongin’s sibling had sat down at Taemin’s desk, working on Math problems.

“Ta-da!” Taemin shouted and Key briefly looked up.

“It looks cozy,” she gave a thumbs-up at the sight of an old mattress spread out on the floor, covered by two thin blankets and some pillows. Taemin had even placed a plushie he had found at the bottom of his wardrobe on top, hoping that Key would fall for the penguin’s charms.

“I put a lot of work into it,” Taemin boasted as he pulled out his phone to check his messages.

“I know. Thank you.”

Key returned to her Math exercises. Meanwhile, Taemin had discovered a new message on his phone.

“You’re studying all afternoon, right noona?” he asked, even though he already knew what her answer would be.

Key nodded shyly.

“If that’s alright with you that is…”

“It’s no problem. I’m gonna go out for a while. But I’ll be back later to keep you company and talk to my mum about our arrangement.”

Taemin sent her one last smile before he rushed downstairs to put on his shoes. He could still catch an early bus if he hurried now.

For once, Taemin was victorious. He did make it to the bus stop in time and within thirty minutes, he arrived at his destination.

Unlike all the other times they had met, Jonghyun was waiting for him in the entrance hall. When he spotted Taemin, he beckoned the younger over with a small wave.

“Honestly, when I wrote my message I didn’t think you’d come,” was the first thing Jonghyun said when Taemin reached him.

The younger shook his head at him.

“You texted you needed my help so I came, hyung. I’m a really reliable person, you know.”

“You don’t seem like it, though,” Jonghyun teased as he led Taemin down an unfamiliar corridor. “Anyway, I got this idea since you told me you can play the piano. And…”

“What is it, hyung?”

Taemin wasn’t quite sure where this was going, or why Jonghyun suddenly seemed so nervous. Key’s boyfriend was fidgeting with his hands even as he walked and his eyes stayed on the ground instead of meeting Taemin’s.

“You’ll find out soon enough,” Jonghyun mumbled, right as he came to a halt in front of a white door.

The room it led to was numbered, but Taemin had no idea what the letters and digits next to the doorframe meant.

“It’s a therapy room,” Jonghyun quietly explained as he dug a key out of his pocket, “but my therapist said it was okay for me to use it, since I’m old and responsible enough.”

He unlocked the door and opened it, motioning for Taemin to enter the room first.

The first thing Taemin spotted was the piano standing against the wall. It was the biggest object in the surprisingly small room and its exterior looked a bit worn, but Taemin knew not to judge a book by its cover.

When he was younger and his parents didn’t want to buy a new piano yet, they rented out an old one and Taemin had played on it just as well as on the one they had later purchased.

There were a few other objects in the room, too – some electronic equipment, a few chairs and a shelf that contained various smaller instruments. The thing that stood out most about the room was the way any noises resonated from its walls.

As he walked over to the piano, Taemin could tell this room was great for singing or making music in general. While it wasn’t spacious, it definitely seemed like a place where a musical artist could be satisfied.

Jonghyun didn’t say anything as Taemin sat down in front of the piano and experimentally pressed down on a few keys. The smooth surface felt a bit foreign under Taemin’s fingers. Over the last two years, as dancing had become his first priority, practice had consumed more and more of his day, which had in turn kept Taemin from playing the piano.

The first few notes he played were quite shaky, but after years of practice, he soon got the hang of it again. When Taemin felt like he was doing alright, he stopped playing and turned to Jonghyun, who was awkwardly standing in the middle of the room.

“Um…well,” the older stammered, “this is where I have music therapy. It’s honestly my favorite part of therapy because I can be the most relaxed here. Music has always been my favorite thing to do.”

He paused for a moment and let his eyes wander across the room.

“As I said, my therapist gave me the permission to come here on my own as long as he doesn’t need the room. He must have realized that this is really working out for me…

“Anyway, I’ve been writing a lot of stuff. You saw that when you visited. I can play the piano well enough to compose my own melodies, but I can’t sing at the same time. And singing…it’s kinda what I’m best at.

“It’s frustrating for me to come here on my own only to realize I will never know what my songs sound like because I can only do one thing at a time. That’s why I need your help.”

“So, you want me to play the stuff you wrote?”

Jonghyun nodded.

“Look, I brought a few pieces. They should be manageable, since I’m no Mozart or anything. Here, you can look through them and tell me what you think you can play.”

He handed Taemin a bunch of sheets inside a plain-looking folder. Taemin hummed to himself as he flipped through the pages. Some of them were quite messy, with scribbles all across them, but for his finalized pieces, Jonghyun seemed to have a put a lot of effort into a neat presentation.

“I can play this one!” Taemin finally announced after a while.

He had picked the song that seemed the most perfected after a quick scan. Jonghyun glanced at the papers and nodded.

“This song actually does exist. I wrote my own version, changed the music a bit, but the Korean lyrics are all mine,” he sheepishly explained. “But, it’s still only, like, half made by me.”

Taemin raised his eyebrows. Even if Jonghyun had chosen an already existing song as a base for his piece, he still couldn’t help being impressed. He tried to play the first few verses and realized that while he did know the song, Jonghyun’s version was a lot different.

It was slower, with more room for the singer to experiment and show their full range of colors.

“So, _Juliette_ it is?”

At Jonghyun’s question, Taemin gave a thumbs-up.

“_Juliette_ it is.”

Taemin began to play. He had a few lines to do on his own before Jonghyun would start to sing. Getting into the beat of the song, Taemin quickly became immersed in the music.

However, the second Jonghyun opened his mouth Taemin was violently snapped out of his little trance. He was so surprised he almost stopped playing.

Jonghyun did already have a pleasant voice when talking and Taemin had been able to imagine him singing quite well. He had never braced himself for what Jonghyun really sounded like – how could he have guessed, though?

The older opened his mouth and suddenly, everything was different. There was no doubt that Jonghyun was able to hold all of the longer notes beautifully, showing a good technique as far as Taemin could tell.

However, his charm went far beyond that.

There was something about his voice that pulled Taemin in, that made him wish for the older to never stop singing again. Jonghyun was unpredictable. One second his voice with silky smooth and the next he was belting out the lyrics, transferring raw energy across the room to where Taemin was sitting.

Jonghyun’s singing made him feel many things – it was powerful, it was sad, sincere, loud yet vulnerable.

Hearing it unpolished and raw like this allowed Taemin to paint a perfect picture of Jonghyun inside his head. This was him, this was Key’s boyfriend – with all of his flaws, his traits, his issues and beauty.

Surprisingly, Jonghyun was also very critical of himself. As soon as they had stopped, he asked Taemin to start over again to perfect some parts that hadn’t been to his liking.

Taemin realized this was no longer a casual jamming session – he was facing the professional Kim Jonghyun that absolutely thrived in his work.

After five tries, Taemin couldn’t help thinking how nice it was that Jonghyun was so connected to his music. That he had something to look forward to, something that gave him hope.

Because even if his days did seem dark, Taemin had realized one thing that he was sure Jonghyun knew too – the older could live to make music. It was a place he could return to, always, without any conditions, and the thought made Taemin’s heart feel a lot lighter.

Even as he walked home from the bus, he was still singing Juliette to himself under his breath. It was only when he reached his front door and spotted Key’s shoes next to the doormat that he realized who the song was about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how are you guys doing? things aren't looking so good obviously, so i hope everyone is safe at least. on wednesday, i had to leave my home in a hurry to travel to my parents' place as i was scared a national lockdown would be imposed. i did make it and have a lot of time at hand now since i am mostly excused from work. it's also super nice to be able to spend time with my family again, since i usually only see them every 6 weeks for like 2 days. now i'm stuck here for 4 weeks and i made a list of things that i want to achieve during that time.
> 
> however, the situation we're in right now is still a bit scary. please stay safe everyone! i am hoping that you are all healthy and as well as you can possibly be. maybe reading this story will make your week at least a little brighter ~.~
> 
> i'll see you all next week. and if you're scared, pls remember - it may seem hard, but we'll make it through this!


	15. XV - Safe Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning:
> 
> Mentions of abuse

“Where have you been?” was the first thing Key asked Taemin when he entered the room.

She had moved from his desk to the bed, but appeared to still be studying with an open textbook resting on her legs.

“Oh, I…went out.”

Taemin was still blushing profusely because of his realization. It had already been hard enough to get Jonghyun’s song out of his head for a second, but now that he was looking at Key his mind was singing again.

His own feelings left him embarrassed and disappointed. He had told himself so many times that he should stop thinking of Key as his crush, but his mind wouldn’t listen.

The night ahead would be torturous for him, he was sure of that.

“By the way, I think I heard your mum come home earlier,” Key suddenly announced. “I’m sorry I didn’t say hello to her, but I thought it would be awkward if she found out I was here and you weren’t.”

“Don’t worry,” Taemin said, “stay up here for a bit and I’ll go talk to her.”

He found his mother in the kitchen chopping vegetables for dinner. Taemin made his presence known with a cough, but not before throwing the greens a devastating glare.

“Oh, Taemin-ah. How was school?” his mother asked with a smile as she filled up a pot with water. “Got any tests back?”

“I didn’t.”

Her son shook his head. Unsure of how to phrase his request, he hesitated for a moment before adding, “there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Huh?”

Taemin’s unexpected confession had his mother abandoning her cooking completely in favor of turning around to eye her son. When he didn’t speak up instantly, she nonchalantly asked, “did you get a boyfriend?”

“Mum!”

Taemin kind of wanted to hit her for that comment, especially considering Key was upstairs. He scoffed at her, then he began to explain.

“So…you remember Key?”

“Of course I do. Jongin’s sibling, the one you had a crush on…”

“Mum,” Taemin whined once again, “stop it. Key’s staying over tonight. There’s been some trouble at her place and I offered for her to stay with me. But she won’t keep me up tonight – if anything, noona will tell me to go to sleep or study harder.”

“You know your dad and I are not very fond of you having people over during the week,” Taemin’s mother started, but she was interrupted by him.

“Please, mum! Just a night or two, I promise I’ll be really good. I want to do noona this favor…”

“Well, we could try it I suppose…”

His mother turned back to the stove to check if the water was already boiling.

“You’re lucky your dad isn’t home for dinner,” she yelled over her shoulder, “otherwise we wouldn’t have enough food.”

“Thanks mum, you’re the best!” Taemin shouted. “I’ll come back down to set the table in twenty minutes…”

__________________________

For some odd reason, Taemin had never imagined Key meeting his mum. Somehow, the reality where his parents existed wasn’t the same as the one where Key and Jonghyun were.

Therefore, it was just as weird as it was nerve-wracking for him to go downstairs for dinner, Key trailing behind him.

At least, Taemin’s mother already knew about Key’s gender identity – Taemin really hoped she wouldn’t ask any questions, but given how her first reaction to the topic had been, he doubted there would be any trouble.

His heart was still beating too fast as he trudged into the kitchen to get plates and bowls for the three of them.

“Can I help you with anything?” Key asked in a quiet voice when he returned to the table.

She was standing behind one of chairs, her fingers tapping against its back uneasily. Her whole demeanor showed just how awkward she felt and Taemin was hit by a surge of sympathy.

If he was nervous about this, Key had to be feeling ten times worse. He wasn’t even sure if she had ever experienced a positive reaction from any adult, so she was probably imagining the most horrible things.

“You can sit down there, noona,” he told her with an encouraging smile. “I’ll join you in a minute.”

He stayed true to his promise and sixty seconds later, the two of them were sitting at the table waiting for their food. The silence between them was, unlike all the other times, oppressive and uncomfortable, but Taemin was too lost in his own thoughts to notice.

He couldn’t stop looking at Key with Jonghyun’s song playing in his head. Remembering the way the older had sang gave him goosebumps, but it also made his stomach feel uneasy. One day, Taemin hoped he could have what Key and Jonghyun had with another person, but for now he was stuck with his unrequited feelings, no matter how hard he tried to push them away.

Taemin barely noticed his mother coming in, but Key certainly did. She was on her feet the second the older woman entered the room with the main dish, bowing so deeply that her forehead almost touched the table.

“Thanks for letting me stay here!”

“Oh, so you’re Key-ssi? Is that right?”

Taemin’s mother offered Key a warm smile as she set down the pot.

“I am…yeah, I’m Key.”

“It’s been quite a while since we last met,” Taemin’s mum attempted to continue their conversation after she and her son had spoken their prayers, Key folding her hands but staying silent. “How have you been?”

“I’m good,” Key hastily told her. “I’m fine. A bit stressed out because of my SATs, but otherwise alright.”

“I’ve heard you’re studying hard. I wish I could say the same about Taemin, but all he thinks about is dancing. Even though his grades have been good lately…”

Taemin would have been cringing at their forced chit-chat if it hadn’t been for the fact that he himself was unable to say anything. He was still too distracted by his own thoughts, by the memory of Jonghyun’s voice that still made shivers run down his spine.

He knew he had to hear the older sing again, the sooner the better.

Meanwhile, Key seemed to be relaxing a bit. She tentatively picked up her chopsticks, careful not to drop anything on the table. In general, Taemin had to admit she had excellent manners – not that he hadn’t known before.

His mother was chatting away as she always did during dinner, only this time her victim wasn’t her husband but her son’s crush. In horror, Taemin realized his mum was asking Key a thousand questions – nothing related to her gender, of course, but it was quite embarrassing.

It was as if she wanted to learn as much as possible about the person her son liked so much, especially since Key had to appear particularly odd to her.

Taemin tried to imagine what his mother must think of Key. She was looking at a person with short hair and a flannel on, who undoubtedly looked and sounded like a boy – yet that person still went by a female name and used female pronouns.

By now, Taemin himself didn’t even notice Key’s looks anymore, except for some days when they met in school and he wasn’t sure how to address her. But to his mother, who probably hadn’t met anyone like Key before, she must seem unusual at least.

In that moment, Taemin was incredibly glad his mother was being as sensible and tactful as she could be.

Even if Key had told him she was feeling better about herself at the moment, Taemin didn’t want to add to her list of worries.

Dinner luckily passed by quite fast, which was probably due to Taemin’s mother’s excellent cooking skills. Key had already praised her dishes three times when the woman reached for her bowl, wanting to carry it back to the kitchen for Key.

Taemin glanced at Key just in time to see her tiny flinch when his mother gripped the bowl. He frowned when he noticed how Key’s expression darken for a second, as if she was mad at herself for getting startled by nothing.

The next moment, she was wearing a smile once again and turned to Taemin’s mother.

“Please, let me help you.”

With Taemin’s help, the table was quickly cleared and any stains were wiped off. Taemin did note that Key’s spot was definitely the cleanest and for a moment, he wondered if there was anything she was bad at.

“Let’s go upstairs, noona,” he told her. “Thanks for the meal, mum!”

“Thanks for the meal!” Key echoed before she was dragged to Taemin’s room where she immediately made a move to get back to her textbooks.

“Noona,” Taemin whined. “Haven’t you done enough already? You should rather hang out with me, I’m bored.”

“But Taem, my exams…”

“…your exams are in like, four months. You’re stressing way too much! Come here and play some videogames with me. I used to always play with Jongin when we…”

He trailed off, remembering what Jongin had done for the first time in a while. Then he rephrased, “it’s boring to do it by myself.”

“Fine,” Key sighed, “what games do you own?”

Feeling triumphant because of his victory, Taemin hooked up his console to the small TV his parents had gotten him a few months ago. He quickly realized, though, that Key was even worse at gaming than her younger brother.

Apparently, she had no idea how to use her controller and Taemin was getting increasingly frustrated as her character kept dying on screen within five seconds.

“God, you’re so bad at this!” he muttered as he reached over to grab her forearm. “I’m gonna show you.”

He didn’t hear the quiet hiss Key let out as he gripped her arm and proceeded to explain the controls to her.

“You’ve got to be careful with the directions here, because you lose if you fall of the edge” he told her as his hand moved to cover hers.

On accident, Taemin’s fingers pushed back the hem of her sleeve a little and for two seconds, the skin beneath was revealed.

Taemin froze when he saw how blue her wrists were. All of a sudden, he felt sick. Key had told him her argument with her father hadn’t been too bad, but these bruises definitely said otherwise.

However, Taemin had no idea how to address the topic without the risk of making Key upset, which was the last thing he wanted to do. Therefore, he cleared his throat and pretended he hadn’t seen anything, even though the image was now burned into his brain like Jonghyun’s voice.

Key seemingly hadn’t noticed anything. Her eyes were focused on the screen, where she was trying to get the hang of the game they were playing.

After many futile attempts, Taemin had finally gotten her to a point where she wouldn’t immediately die every time they started a match. Of course, he was still a lot better , but he didn’t say anything and instead chose the weakest characters every time, trying to beat her with those.

It was only when he glanced at his phone after the screen had lit up that he realized how much time had passed.

“It’s quarter to eleven, noona,” he told Key, who was wearing a proud smile after beating him twice in a row. “We should probably get ready for bed. The bus we’re gonna catch in the morning is quite an early one.”

“Oh god, you’re right!” Key said as she followed Taemin to his own little bathroom. “And I told your mum I wouldn’t keep you up tonight…”

“Don’t worry, she knows I don’t like sleeping early,” Taemin grinned. “She’s used to my antics by now. By the way, aren’t you going to brush your teeth…?”

“I don’t have my toothbrush,” Key mumbled after a few moments. “Nor did I pack my facial cleanser. I’m sorry, Taemin-ah.”

“Ah, don’t worry, it’s not a problem! You can just use my face wash and as for the toothbrush…I’m gonna get one from my parents room.”

“But…won’t they be angry?”

“My parents? Why would they?”

“I just don’t want to offend them…”

“That’s just silly!” Taemin exclaimed. “Hold on, I’ll be right back.”

A minute later, he appeared with a pink toothbrush in his hand.

“Here you go – it’s your favorite color!”

“Thanks…”

Key seemed hesitant, but she still took it.

Taemin, who didn’t take his facial routine too seriously most of the time, was done washing up after a few minutes. Now all he had left to do was to watch Key as she cleaned her face with products Taemin hadn’t used once before.

There was something addictive about seeing her wash her face, Taemin realized. The whole scene was overwhelmingly domestic, so domestic that he couldn’t handle it after a few seconds.

“I’m gonna go and change,” he mumbled, his face burning once again.

When Key exited the bathroom seconds later, he threw a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt at her, to avoid getting too close to her and risk getting a heart attack.

“Here. You can wear those, I hope they’re not too small.”

As he lay in bed staring at the ceiling, Taemin for the first time ever hoped they would go to sleep instantly. Back at the boarding school, he had kept all of his roommates up all night, but with Key, he couldn’t even take looking at her.

He didn’t want to imagine her sleeping face, her peaceful breathing, her hair fanned out across her forehead, but the picture was undeniably there, in his brain somewhere. Taemin knew he wasn’t supposed to see such a sight – only Jonghyun, and maybe Minho, was – and he couldn’t bring himself to feel lucky either.

Instead, he just felt guilty.

When Key returned, she let herself fall on top of her covers immediately, all tension leaving her body. Taemin, who hadn’t torn his gaze away from the ceiling, only turned to look at her when she let out a sigh.

“Aren’t you going to turn off the light?”

The shirt he had given her was a bit too small and since it had ridden up the tiniest bit, Taemin could see a part of her back. Her skin was pale, but just like her wrists it was littered with bruises – some dark blue, some a faded yellow, some almost black.

For the second time that evening, Taemin felt like he had received a blow to the stomach. Panicking, he scrambled to turn off the light.

“Sleep well, Min-ah,” Key told him as they were left in complete darkness, oblivious to the hurricane of thoughts raging behind Taemin’s forehead. “And thanks once again for letting me stay here.”

“It’s no problem.”

His voice was hoarse as he answered, but she didn’t comment on it. Unlike he had hoped, Taemin lay awake for a long time that night. For the first time he realized that while Key liked to talk it down, the abuse she was objected to was a lot worse than she let on – and Taemin could do nothing about it, except for being her safe place.

It didn’t matter what had happened the last time he had offered her his help, his own feelings of guilt didn’t matter – Taemin couldn’t leave Key hanging like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i almost forgot to update today. for some reason, i haven't been feeling creative and yesterday wasn't any better either. but you still gotta do what you must, right?  
i hope that you're all doing fine. personally, i'm spending my days betareading and reviewing my friend's story, working from home and finally playing danganronpa - goodbye despair (almost done though). i want this quarantine situation to end soon.  
thanks to all of you who left comments last week - feedback is something that really keeps me going, and i also like knowing if someone is enjoying my story. ~.~  
hope to see you all next week! have a good time till then and stay safe!


	16. XVI - Genius

The next morning came faster than Taemin would have liked. After experiencing a turmoil of negative feelings last night, he felt dead tired as he staggered to the bus stop with Key.

Meanwhile, she didn’t even seem to notice the distress he was in, chattering away like she hadn’t slept this well in weeks. The fact that this statement probably wasn’t too far off from the truth left a bitter taste in Taemin’s mouth.

That morning, he couldn’t even bring himself to push Key away when she draped herself all over him, even if she was doing things to his heart that just couldn’t be healthy.

“I’ll see you at lunch!” Key chirped when they arrived at Taemin’s classroom before she all but skipped away, once again leaving Taemin to deal with his worries on his own.

Sadly, her relaxed demeanor didn’t last. Even before he had reached the table they shared with Minho, Taemin could tell something had happened to Key. She looked upset, maybe even mad, and he suddenly wished he could get that carefree version of hers from earlier back.

“What’s up, noona?” he non-chalantly asked as he plopped down across from her. “Don’t even try to deny it. I can tell something happened.”

“I’m just…stressed,” Key mumbled without looking up from the papers spread out in front of her. “My Math teacher… He doesn’t exactly like me and Mathematics have never been my strongest point. I’m really trying my best in his class, but he keeps giving me bad grades. I don’t know what more I should do to improve…”

She trailed off and Taemin bit his lip, trying to think of a way to comfort her. He couldn’t offer his help or anything along those lines, since he doubted his Math skills were enough to teach Key anything.

Therefore, he just said, “don’t worry too much, noona. Your finals don’t start for another three months or so. And after this week, our summer break starts. You can just go straight to my place and study after class, so maybe you’ll feel more confident afterwards.”

“Oh, um…” Key stuttered before sending Taemin an apologetic glance. “I’m…going home tonight.”

“But-“

Taemin couldn’t believe his ears. Key hadn’t just told him she’d go back to the place where her father, her abuser, was waiting for her, had she? She couldn’t be serious.

Taemin’s eyes automatically wandered to her wrists, the very same wrists that were blue and bruised and hidden beneath the sleeves of her uniform right now, and his fists clenched. He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let Key go back there, not when she had been doing so much better at his home.

“Please stay with me a few more nights, noona,” he begged, not caring about the fact that he sounded like a desperate child. “My parents are okay with it, I promise. Please, I won’t even bother you at all, I’ll even leave you alone if you want me to, just…”

“Taemin,” Key’s gentle yet sad voice interrupted him. “I’ve already made my decision.”

“But…you can’t go there! You can’t even relax at home – how will you study? I could tell how much better you were this morning, so why won’t you accept my help? Please, Key…”

He hadn’t even realized he had raised his voice dangerously throughout his monologue, but Key’s panicked gaze pulled Taemin back to reality. He watched her shake her head a few times, as if she couldn’t believe he was pleading her to come with him.

“Taemin, I can’t… I can’t stay at your place again, please respect that. I really appreciate your help, but I have to go home. You have to trust me, Min. I’ll watch out, I promise, but I can’t stay at yours,” she told him in a hushed voice, her tone and expression frantic.

“But noona, you are-“

“And what are you two fighting about?”

It was Minho who finally interrupted their discussion, making both of them freeze on the spot. The tall boy sat down next to Taemin balancing his tray with food. During lunch hour, but also any other time, Minho could be seen eating twice as much as anyone else.

Today too, he immediately began to stuff his face with rice and seafood stew, but only after raising his eyebrows at Taemin.

“I-“ the younger boy stuttered, but he found himself unable to say anything.

Technically, it shouldn’t be hard since Minho knew about Key’s struggle, yet Taemin suddenly felt like he had overstepped an invisible line. What gave him the right to disagree with Key?

He wasn’t even her best friend, let alone her boyfriend or a family member. Why had Taemin ever thought he could force her to stay with him another night?

Wanting to protect her didn’t suddenly give him the right to make decisions for Key, no matter how much that hurt – and if she wanted to go back to her dad, he had to accept that.

“Taemin wanted me to sleep over at his place again,” Key quietly explained, “but I told him I couldn’t. It really doesn’t have anything to do with you,” she sent him a small smile, “but I really need to go home. I hope you understand.”

“It’s fine, noona.”

Taemin bit back the truth, that he’d never understand her. But she was the victim and he had never experienced hurt like she had, so maybe he wasn’t even capable of understanding the way her brain worked.

That didn’t mean he would stop worrying, though. He could already feel his brain going into overdrive and found himself wishing he had never seen the bruises under Key’s skin.

Taemin missed the sideglance Minho threw him and it was only when the older pulled him aside after their lunch that he realized Minho wanted to talk to him.

“I know you’re just trying to help her, but you need to respect her decisions,” he stated while Taemin’s face fell at his words. “I know it’s frustrating, but you need to be careful. If you aren’t, Key will close herself off from you.

“She deals with things differently, especially with that thing. But I’ve known her for a few years and she’s stubborn. She won’t consciously let you help her, for whatever reason.”

“But…her wrists.”

Taemin’s throat was suddenly blocked by a giant lump and his eyes were starting to hurt. However, he swore to himself that he wouldn’t cry, that he wouldn’t break in front of Minho – Taemin was stronger than that.

For Key, he had to be. Because a weakling couldn’t help her and a coward couldn’t save her from her father.

“I know, Taemin, I know…”

Minho sighed.

“Every time I see them, I just want to take her to the police station and get her out of that house. And every time I see the bags under Jonghyun-hyung’s eyes, I want to swap places with him just so that he can be happy and healthy for once.

“But guess what? I can’t do that. I can’t do any of these things, so I have to find other ways to help. If she stayed with you for one night, that’s great. It’s so much more than I have accomplished in the last few weeks, and that says a lot.”

“I hate seeing her in pain.”

Taemin’s eyes were cast downwards at the floor. For some reason, the thought of Key and her injury physically hurt him. It made his chest tighten and his head swim, much like Jonghyun’s suicide attempt had.

For a single moment, Taemin wondered why on earth he had to care so much. But then he remembered everything he had gained from knowing Key, the friendship and the insight into something he could never experience himself.

Key had taught him that sometimes things weren’t as easy as they seemed and Taemin wouldn’t want to change their history if he could, even if that meant hurting for her.

“I know, Taemin,” Minho quietly said. “I know how much you hate it. But let me tell you, you’re doing well. You’re doing so well at making her happy. I don’t know what it is, but Key has changed since she met you. And even if reality seems different, I feel like things are finally changing for the better.”

_______________________________

Talking to Minho helped. It wasn’t like Taemin miraculously stopped worrying, but he was able to think about other things apart from the abuse Kibum was experiencing.

During the holidays, he vowed to spend as much time with him as possible, which was easy – he only had to split up his time between two people, Kibum and Jonghyun.

By now, it had become normal for Taemin to go to the hospital at least twice a week to visit Jonghyun, to play music together or just go around and talk. Sometimes he met Kibum there, which could be a bit awkward.

Even if Minho had successfully made him believe that he was a positive thing in Kibum’s life, Taemin still didn’t want to intrude into the older’s relationship.

Weirdly enough, Jonghyun and Kibum never made him feel like an intruder at all. They always seemed to welcome him with equally bright smiles and even though Taemin could guess they were holding back when it came to displaying their affection physically as long as he was present, they never made him feel unwanted.

Jonghyun was now allowed to leave the hospital during the day and it was a privilege he often made use of. One time, he and Taemin went to a shop that sold small pets and supplies for their owners to watch the animals there.

Other than meeting up with Jonghyun and Kibum, Taemin spent most of his time dancing. His coach had made it very clear how high his hopes were for the next showcase and Taemin didn’t want to disappoint.

He could sense that Jongin was taking practice a lot more seriously now as well and that new knowledge made Taemin train even harder until he could master steps he hadn’t even thought were possible a few years ago.

One particularly hot afternoon, Taemin called up Kibum. He wanted to ask the older to monitor his dancing and Jonghyun’s partner quickly agreed.

Soon after their call, the two of them found themselves in one of their school’s practice rooms, which was luckily equipped with an A/C. Taemin’s coach had given him a key to the room so that he could keep practicing during the holidays, but not before giving him a ten minute lecture on responsibility and how much of an honor it was to get your own key.

“I can’t believe he trusted _you_ of all people with something like that,” Kibum muttered under his breath as he sat down in one of the corners, a pair of glasses perched up on the bridge of his nose.

He was wearing a pair of white baggy shorts and a thin yet long-sleeved sweatshirt that was very loose around his neck.

Even from halfway across the room, Taemin could admire his collar bones sticking out from under his pale skin and the younger boy definitely didn’t appreciate the weird feeling bubbling up inside his stomach at that sight.

Cheeks red and breathing just the slightest bit heavier than usual, Taemin walked over to one of the speakers to turn on the music. He quickly got into the right position as the song started playing and when it was his time to start moving, he did his best to forget Kibum was watching him intently.

Luckily, Taemin still managed to get lost in his dance, just like he had over half a year ago. His priorities had been set differently over the past months, but even after all this time, he could always go back to dancing without hesitance.

Maybe dancing and Taemin were like Jonghyun and music, Taemin realized as he dropped to the ground in one swift motion, making half a turn on the floor before pulling himself up again to move along with the music.

Dancing was his refuge. For once, his thoughts were clear because they didn’t constantly revolve around Kibum, around Jonghyun, around Taemin’s unrequited crush and everything else that was wrong.

His life had been full of confusion ever since he had entered high school, but now that he was here in this room, moving to the beat, he felt like everything could become easier with time.

As always, Taemin felt a bit sad when the music finally stopped. He bent down a bit, trying to catch his breath after over five minutes of performing, and when he opened his eyes again he saw that Kibum had walked over to him.

The older was watching him and there was something in his gaze that made a shiver run down Taemin’s spine. He quickly straightened up and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Being exposed to Kibum like this made him feel incredibly vulnerable and he wasn’t sure if he liked it.

“First of all, you did great, Min,” Kibum said after a few moments, as if he had wanted to make sure Taemin was really listening. “There are still a lot of details you need to work on, but you still have a bit of time left until the end of our break.

“If you can perfect the little things, though, I’m pretty sure you’re gonna do well in the contest. There’s something about you when you dance that really pulls people in. I couldn’t stop looking at you just now and I’m sure that if you were part of the group, my eyes would have kept going towards you.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Taemin bashfully replied.

He suddenly felt awkward listening to Kibum’s compliments. Dancing was a very personal thing to him and maybe it had been a mistake to show it to anyone – especially Kibum.

Taemin was supposed to put some distance between them, but instead he was opening up more and more.

“Go again and I’ll see if I can point out some more things.”

Kibum went back to his original spot as the music started over and Taemin ran through the choreography once again. He ended up repeating the dance a few more times under Kibum’s stern observation before he began to work on the details that had been pointed out before.

Since Kibum had gone back to reading something on his phone, it felt like Taemin was the only one present. He was alone with his reflection in the mirror, repeating the same moves a dozen of times while he tried to figure out how to make them fit into the picture of his performance.

Over half an hour later, Taemin was soaked with sweat and completely out of breath. He hadn’t worked this hard in a while, but it finally felt like he was getting somewhere with his dancing.

Using his shirt to dry off his face, Taemin let himself flop down onto the ground next to Kibum, who didn’t even look up from his phone.

“Water?”

Taemin couldn’t believe his ears. He had already mourned the absence of his water bottle on the way here after forgetting it in his room, and a drink sounded like heaven to him right now.

Kibum had meanwhile begun to rummage around the small bag he had brought and a few seconds later, he dug out a water bottle for Taemin.

“Here you go.”

“Thanks, you’re a lifesaver,” Taemin finally got out after downing half of the water in one go.

He must have been a lot thirstier than he had wanted to admit earlier, but of course he could always count on Kibum and his motherly instincts.

“How did I know this would happen? You’re so irresponsible, Tae.”

Kibum rolled his eyes but Taemin could sense the fondness hidden in his voice as he spoke. The younger allowed himself a few more sips of the water before peeking over Kibum’s shoulder.

“What are you doing, hyung?”

“Research.”

Kibum’s shoulders slumped a bit and Taemin immediately knew his work wasn’t going well at the moment.

“Is it for your finals? Math again?”

“I honestly wish it was only that.”

Kibum let out a half-hearted chuckle before turning his head to face Taemin, an action that made the younger boy retreat immediately. Just now, there had been so little space between his face and Kibum’s and the mere thought of being this close to the older freaked Taemin out.

He quickly composed himself, though, as he sent Kibum a bright smile and hoped he wouldn’t be able to see right through him.

“What are you researching, then?”

His heart was still racing when Kibum sighed again, dropping his hand onto his lap dejectedly.

“It’s for Jonghyun-hyung. As you know, he’s been in the hospital for quite a while now and since his meds are beginning to work as they should, he is going to be sent home soon. But we both agreed that some changes have to be made.

“I want to make sure he’s doing better than before…that mess. We spoke about him getting a job, since it would mean he’s got something to do and it would help out his mother, too. Sodam-noona can only work part-time since she’s still a university student and Mama Kim is trying her best, but in the end she’s a single mum.”

Taemin hummed quietly to show he was still listening.

He didn’t know a lot about Jonghyun’s family background and while he had figured on his own that Jonghyun’s father wasn’t around, he hadn’t realized that the older man’s family was struggling with money.

His new knowledge didn’t exactly make his heart lighter either. Instead, Taemin felt like it was unfair. Kibum always talked about Jonghyun’s family with his voice full of love and warmth, yet they were the ones struggling while Kibum’s father, who had failed to be a good parent countless times, was loaded.

“So now, I’m looking for places where hyung could work,” Kibum’s voice snapped Taemin out of his thoughts. “I offered to do it because I want him to focus on therapy and getting better. But as you can probably guess, I haven’t been very successful.”

“What have you got so far? Maybe I can help out?”

Taemin’s eyes were full of curiosity as he stared at Kibum’s phone screen, reading the few lines the older had written down.

“It’s nothing much. Most restaurants around here are family-owned, so Jjong can’t really work there. Then, he’s physically strong, but his heart is very soft. I don’t want him to get a job that will drag him down emotionally because he has to deal with unpleasant people or sights or…”

Kibum trailed off, obviously losing hope. Taemin had to admit his list was short, but he was sure there was something Jonghyun could do that they just hadn’t thought of yet.

“Music?” he tried, but Kibum shook his head.

“There are opportunities, but only for students. Jjong is only gonna study after we…complete our military service.”

At the mention of their enlistment, Kibum’s expression turned to stone. Taemin watched him worriedly from the side, but he realized after a few seconds that Kibum was trying his hardest to avoid the topic at all costs.

He pursed his lips as he glanced at the fogged up mirror opposite from where they were sitting.

“It’s ridiculous. I can’t believe I really can’t think of anything. It’s so frustrating!”

“Hyung and I talked about getting a job once when I visited him,” Taemin recalled. “We were exploring the hospital park and he said gardening would probably be hard work. And then…”

Suddenly, he stopped talking - a thought had just formed inside his head. Taemin’s eyes snapped open and he could feel his heartbeat quicken from excitement. Could it really be that he had just found the perfect job for Jonghyun?

“Dogs!” Taemin exclaimed as he grabbed Kibum’s arm tightly.

He suddenly couldn’t contain himself anymore, bouncing up and down on the ground while Kibum just stared at him like he had lost his mind.

“Dogs?”

“Yes, hyung, of course! That’s it! Look-“

Taemin had sprung to his feet, gesturing wildly as he tried to explain his idea to Kibum.

“Jonghyun-hyung loves dogs – and other animals, too, right? He should work at an animal shelter! They probably won’t pay him a lot, but he told me that spending time with animals makes him feel less stressed and…

“He could walk the dogs and take care of the pets there and make sure they’re happy and healthy and well-fed. I’m sure they need help at the shelter! They’ll be glad to hire someone who could also lift heavy things like buckets with water if necessary!”

As Taemin talked, Kibum’s face gradually began to light up until he was full on smiling, his braces on display. When Taemin looked at him, his breath was taken away for a moment – Kibum’s genuine smile was stunning.

However, he quickly managed to regain control over his lungs and shouted, “I’m a genius hyung, right?”

“God, Taemin, you really are.”

Kibum was smiling so hard he could hardly talk. Before Taemin could properly process what was happening, the older had gotten up from the floor and walked towards him, trapping him in his tight embrace.

“I love you,” Kibum mumbled as he squeezed the air out of Taemin’s lungs. “I could kiss you right now.”

His words made Taemin’s blood run cold. The younger froze, not fighting against Kibum anymore, but his thoughts were raging like a hurricane in his head. Panic bubbled up inside his stomach, making his throat close up, choking him.

And Taemin hated it, he hated that he couldn’t be close to Kibum without becoming a literal bundle of anxiety, but after feeling guilt weigh down on him so heavily and after their first kiss, he had become scarred.

Kibum seemed to notice his reaction as well because he immediately loosened his grip on Taemin. Nonetheless, a few seconds passed until his lungs inflated again, filling up with fresh oxygen.

“I…Thank you, Taemin.”

Kibum’s hands were folded and hanging in front of him. Something in his demeanor had changed and suddenly, he didn’t seem too upbeat or overexcited anymore.

However, Taemin couldn’t detect a hint of a sadness on his face – it was more like Kibum was embarrassed, and a little shy for some reason.

“The pet shelter is such a good idea,” he quietly said, sending Taemin a lopsided smile that made his heart flutter dangerously. “Do you want to help me look for some that might hire Jonghyun-hyung?”

“Of course,” Taemin croaked, even though he didn’t know how much more of Kibum he could take today.

He was truly an enigma inside out. First, Taemin hadn’t understood the way he felt about himself, about his body and his gender – but now that he did, Kibum confused him with his actions.

One second he was distancing himself from Taemin, which he had even admitted to, and then he suddenly treated him like there were no boundaries between them, like they were more than just friends.

But they weren’t, and Taemin knew that.

After all, it was the reason why he couldn’t stand being close to Kibum anymore. However, it seemed that Taemin had masochistic tendencies because no matter how tiring it was to spend time with Kibum, he still ended up following the older anywhere like the lovesick puppy he was.

And no matter how hard Taemin tried not to love Kibum, he just couldn’t change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> today i bring you an extra long chapter (which you probably noticed if you're reading this note). congrats on getting through all of it! i'm just an idiot who should plan out her stories better. but i thought you all needed some more taekey in your lives after we mostly got jongtae the last few chapters.  
how are you all doing? i'm currently trying to live with my screwed up sleep schedule but i can't help staying awake at night - i finally finished my game (danganronpa 2) and now i'm playing the dating sim and i'm ridiculously bad at it.  
i wish i could say i have been productive in terms of writing, but i haven't. for some reason, i've just been procrastinating >:( but at least i'm trying to stay active and going for runs multiple times a week.  
hopefully, you are also not doing too bad - ofc the situation is still not great, but at least we had some time to get used to it.  
take care of yourselves & stay safe everyone! i expect to see you here next week as well!


	17. XVII - Eerie

Just like that, the summer break passed like a brief downpour in spring, arriving with a bang one second and gone in the next.

Taemin’s life now consisted of dancing, meeting Kibum and visiting Jonghyun (though he also met up with Minho once).

On his last free Sunday afternoon, one day before school would start again, Taemin decided to pay Jonghyun a visit at the hospital. He hadn’t been there in five days and also knew for a fact that Kibum wouldn’t be here today, at least not at this time of the day.

Jongin’s sibling was at one of Minho’s games, which just happened to be in Incheon.

Therefore, Taemin knew Jonghyun probably had nothing better to do than to hang out with him.

He was in a good mood when he arrived at the hospital, still proud of the fact that he had proposed the idea of getting Jonghyun a job at the animal shelter. Ever since then, Kibum had cheered up a lot and even his finals didn’t seem to be weighing down on him as much anymore.

If he had already shared Taemin’s idea with Jonghyun, the youngest of the three didn’t know, but he figured he could ask Jonghyun about it himself.

On his way to Kibum’s boyfriend’s room, Taemin passed Minsung who he quickly bowed to. They were almost exactly the same age, but Taemin couldn’t help being intimidated by the gloomy aura that usually surrounded Jonghyun’s roommate.

Where Taemin was still a bit childlike, Minsung seemed grown up and far too serious for their age and anytime Taemin accidentally laid an eye on the bandages around the other’s wrists, he felt a bit sick.

For some reason, it was harder to imagine that someone his age, someone who had to face similar struggles as Taemin did, could reach a point where they wanted to give up on life.

Of course, it was hard to imagine it in any way, but since Minsung seemed so similar to Taemin sometimes, it scared him to think about the reason of their hospital stay.

Minsung usually didn’t bother with formalities like bowing and today, too, they hardly even blinked when Taemin passed them. However, two seconds later Taemin heard his name being called in a quiet yet firm voice.

He whipped around, already expecting to see Minsung standing behind him.

“If I was you, I wouldn’t go in there.”

For a few moments, Taemin wasn’t even sure what Jonghyun’s roommate was talking about. His brow furrowed as he looked at Minsung’s stoney face, trying to figure out what the other wanted from him.

“Today’s not a good day,” they said, a hint of Busan satoori in their voice. “Even I couldn’t stand being there, so I’m not sure if you would…”

Finally, it dawned on Taemin that they had to be talking about Jonghyun. Minsung’s words left a bitter taste in his mouth, but turning back was not an option.

“Thanks for the warning, Minsung-ssi,” Taemin quickly replied. “I really appreciate it. But I think I’ll go and see for myself.”

“Do whatever you like.”

Minsung shrugged and turned away to walk off. Their graceful, silent steps reminded Taemin of a cat and suddenly, he remembered what Kibum had once told him – that Minsung was a dancer, too.

With the other’s threat looming over his head, Taemin shuffled towards the door that separated Jonghyun’s room from the hallway. He knocked, mostly because he wanted to announce his presence, and decided to enter straight after without waiting for an answer.

Taemin had walked into Jonghyun’s room like this so many times and there had never been an issue, but he realized what Minsung had meant earlier all too soon.

The room he had just entered was obviously the one he had visited a lot during the holidays, yet it somehow had a completely different atmosphere to it. The curtains were pulled shut, leaving the room in a yellowish glow that Taemin’s eyes took a while to adjust to.

The air was heavy and clearly, no one had bothered to open the windows today. Minsung’s bed had been left behind messy yet vacant and one of the chairs stood next to the window as if someone had sat there to look out a while ago.

The whole scene was so eerily quiet and serene that Taemin felt a shiver run down his spine.

He immediately spotted where Jonghyun was, as it was the first thing he had seen when he had entered the room. There was a lump on Jonghyun’s bed, covered messily by a white blanket, and the lump was completely unmoving, so still that it didn’t even look like it was alive.

But Taemin knew it had to be Jonghyun. He could imagine the older boy’s curled up form under the covers and for some reason it pained him to see Jonghyun make himself appear so small.

He bit his lip as he quietly crept around the bed, even if it was just to catch a glimpse of Jonghyun’s face. For some reason, Taemin felt uncomfortable and out of place – after spending countless hours with Jonghyun and Kibum, who were a couple after all, he now felt like he shouldn’t be here, like he didn’t have the right to see Jonghyun like this.

“Hyung,” he called belatedly, realizing he could end up scaring Jonghyun to death if the older hadn’t noticed him coming in.

The lump on the bed didn’t move.

The silence that filled the room was beginning to weigh down on Taemin’s shoulders like bricks, yet he chose to ignore the discomfort he was in, instead taking another few careful steps towards where Jonghyun was lying.

“It’s me, Taemin,” he softly whispered, even though he was choking on the words.

Now, Taemin could see Jonghyun. He could see the older boy’s face which was turned away from the door and completely void of any emotion. He could see his eyes, unblinking, unmoving like himself, and Taemin couldn’t suppress a shudder.

Jonghyun looked like he was wearing a mask.

Although he must have spotted Taemin in the corner of his vision field by now, Jonghyun made no move to indicate he had acknowledged the younger boy’s presence.

He just lay there and stared, stared at an invisible point that no one else could see. Taemin noticed the dried tear tracks on Jonghyun’s cheeks and the way his bottom lashes were clumped together – he didn’t know what to say.

“Hyung?” he tried for the third time. “Hyung, I came to visit you. I- I hope that’s okay with you.”

And again, Jonghyun stayed unresponsive. Taemin didn’t know what he had expected – that Jonghyun would miraculously jump up from the bed and go back to being his old self at the sound of Taemin’s voice? Not really…

Taemin had listened to Kibum’s stories enough times to know there was no magical cure for Jonghyun’s depression. Not even now that he was in the hospital, he was fine. He was doing better, of course, but the darkness was still there. Of course it was.

Kibum had shared bits and pieces of what it was like to live with Jonghyun and to love him. Little stories had found their way into his monologues and Taemin had unconsciously picked up a lot of information.

Nonetheless, seeing Jonghyun in such a bad state scared him a lot.

Again and again, Taemin’s eyes wandered over the older man’s body and he couldn’t help wondering where the person he knew had gone. Knowing that this was Jonghyun made Taemin want to cry.

He wanted to leave, he wanted to run out of the hospital room and not come back until he knew Jonghyun was better, until a bit of light returned to the older’s eyes. He couldn’t stand this sight because it reminded him of what he had been trying to bury deep inside his heart, the fact that Jonghyun was hurting, that he had been hurting to a point where he had almost ended his own life.

The pain from that night and the days after was back and like he had back then, Taemin wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.

However, a small part of his brain knew he couldn’t just do that. No matter how much he wanted to leave and forget the sight before his eyes, he couldn’t do that.

Something was holding him back from leaving Jonghyun alone.

Still clueless about his next actions, Taemin crouched down beside the bed until his head was below Jonghyun’s. He leaned against the metal frame for some support and rocked back and forth a bit, even though the position was more than uncomfortable for him.

What should he do?

The silence was killing Taemin. He didn’t feel ready to deal with this, to deal with this Jonghyun, but Kibum wasn’t here now and Taemin felt like it was his duty to do something.

Although his thoughts were a mess, he tried to remember what Jonghyun had told him about himself. He tried to recall every little detail in hopes of finding something that would help him figure out what to do.

In the end, Taemin started to ramble.

He figured that killing the oppressive silence between them was a good first move and even if Jonghyun didn’t react in the slightest, he began talking.

He spoke about the past few days, about dance practice and meeting up with Minho, and soon enough Taemin found himself stuck in a spiral of thoughts that were just tumbling out of his mouth.

For the first time in months, he talked about Jongin. He allowed himself to remember their fallout, their big fight and even though it still wasn’t easy, Taemin’s chest felt a bit lighter as he babbled on and on about the boy who used to be his closest friend.

In front of Jonghyun, it was easy to acknowledge the mistakes he had made. Deep down, Taemin had always known he was also guilty, even if Jongin had been the one to break his trust, but he had never properly admitted it to himself.

Now, he started to make up stories, to think up ways to mend his friendship with Jongin. Taemin knew that they could probably never go back to how they were before high school, but he realized that was okay.

In the past months, he had grown. After meeting Key and later Jonghyun, he had changed. He had become more mature, had gained different views and perspectives and had opened himself up more.

His current self was quite different from the shy boy who had fallen for Kibum months ago, and Taemin knew it was partly Jonghyun’s fault too.

He made sure to tell the older that, if only to make him feel included in Taemin’s monologue. Once again, he received no reaction, but that was okay too.

After he had gotten everything linked to Jongin off his chest, Taemin turned to other topics. Anything was fine, as long as he could keep talking for hours, until his throat felt raw like sandpaper. But Taemin would do anything to drive away the silence.

The only thing he didn’t talk about was Kibum, because he didn’t quite trust himself with that particular topic yet. At one point, he wondered if Jonghyun had noticed he was avoiding it, but in that moment it hardly mattered to him.

He did his best to ramble about cute dogs, about his family and anything that would interest Jonghyun even in the slightest.

It took Taemin a while to notice the older was crying. At one point he must have turned his head a bit too far, and noticed a small movement somewhere by his face. By now, Taemin was sitting on the ground in front of the bed, his legs pulled up to his chest.

Turning his head was uncomfortable and straining yet he did it nonetheless, only to notice the tears that had silently begun to make their way down Jonghyun’s cheeks. The older hadn’t made a single sound, which Taemin found astonishing and heartbreaking at the same time. He knew exactly how painful it was to cry quietly, to hold back the sobs until it felt like you’d burst.

But Jonghyun had done, was _still_ doing it even when Taemin stopped talking for a second, his jaw going slack. He hadn’t expected this, or any reaction from the older boy, yet here Jonghyun was crying his eyes out.

For some reason, Taemin was less freaked out by the tears than he had been by the eerie silence from earlier.

Instead he was glad – glad that Jonghyun seemed to be feeling something at the very least, that he wasn’t stuck in his near-catatonic state anymore. Watching Jonghyun cry wasn’t pretty in the slightest, with snot dripping from his nose and staining the bedsheets, his eyes screwed shut so tightly his whole face had become wrinkled.

However, even though the sight made Taemin’s chest contract painfully, he thanked god for this reaction he had received from Jonghyun.

Not wanting to disturb the older in the slightest, Taemin quickly started to talk again. He stumbled over the first few words, but soon enough, he was rambling in good old fashion, filling the room with meaningless chatter as he carefully began to adjust his position until he was half facing Jonghyun.

They stayed like that for a while. Taemin spoke and Jonghyun cried without a single noise, although his whole body was shaking from the force of his soundless sobs. At some point, Jonghyun’s hand somehow dropped from the edge of the mattress, now dangling very close to where Taemin was sitting.

The younger didn’t know what demon had suddenly possessed him as he reached out, carefully taking Jonghyun’s hand with his own.

And then, Jonghyun was suddenly clutching on to him like a lifeline and Taemin could feel tears spring to his eyes. He stubbornly blinked them away but the lump in his throat persisted, only growing every time Jonghyun squeezed his hand.

Maybe the older boy would have taken anyone’s hand, Taemin later thought to himself as he lay on his bed, remembering the afternoon. Yet while he sat on the floor of the hospital room holding Jonghyun’s hand, he couldn’t help feeling like they were sharing a very special moment – not necessarily a beautiful one, but meaningful it was without a doubt.

Taemin didn’t count the minutes he spent on the floor of Jonghyun’s room. He only remembered time was a thing when the door behind the bed suddenly opened without a warning.

The noise startled both Taemin and Jonghyun, judging by the way the older boy’s breath hitched.

Even before his head had whipped around, Taemin could tell someone had come in by the sound of footsteps on the floor. It was Minsung.

Jonghyun’s roommate walked straight towards their own bed, letting themselves flop down on top of the covers. The second they spotted Taemin on the floor next to Jonghyun, their eyes widened. They obviously hadn’t expected Taemin to still be here.

Minsung observed them for a few moments during which Taemin didn’t dare to say a word. Then they mumbled, “dinner’s soon. I’d clean myself up a bit if I were you.”

Their words were clearly meant for Jonghyun, yet Minsung kept watching Taemin and their gaze, which had always seemed so strong and intimidating, was full of warmth and something else Taemin didn’t recognize.

“Hyung,” Taemin softly said, trying to make his voice sound firm. “I think it’s time for me to leave.”

But Jonghyun only held his hand tighter, as if to say Taemin shouldn’t go, and the younger felt a wave of gratitude wash over him. He hadn’t even been sure if his presence had helped Jonghyun in the slightest this afternoon, but now he knew for sure that staying had been the right decision.

“I’ll stay until dinner time,” Taemin quickly corrected himself. “They’ll probably throw me out anyway, but it’s fine. By the way, I didn’t even get to finish my story about the time my teacher thought I was breaking stuff in the school lab on purpose…”

For Jonghyun’s sake, Taemin talked a little more. Minsung didn’t seem to mind, as they simply sat on their bed and listened silently. Exactly five minutes before a nurse was supposed to come in to bring Jonghyun and Minsung their dinner, Jonghyun suddenly began to move.

His hand slipped out of Taemin’s as he sat up, sloppily wiping his sticky face on the bedsheets. He didn’t say a thing as he got out of bed and pulled open the curtains – it was already getting a bit dim outside, and Taemin couldn’t help but wonder just how long he had sat by Jonghyun’s bed.

Realizing this was his cue to leave, Taemin got up from the floor, trying to ignore the way his body was aching in all possible places. His leg seemed to have fallen asleep earlier as it was tingling uncomfortably now, and Taemin couldn’t suppress a wince when he put his weight on his right foot.

He waited to lock gazes with Jonghyun, who was still standing by the window. For a moment, Taemin stared into Jonghyun’s red-rimmed eyes and it was, again, just the two of them.

A small smile bloomed on Taemin’s face. He wanted to tell Jonghyun that it was okay, that he hadn’t minded sitting with him, that he hoped he would feel better soon.

It’s alright, hyung, he wanted to say. Don’t be sorry. Don’t say anything, you don’t have to. I understand.

Instead, he just nodded at the older, but he was sure Jonghyun understood him anyway.

“I’ll be back soon, hyung,” Taemin said when he reached the door, turning back one last time. “I promise I’ll be back.”

His legs felt shaky and weak as he stepped out into the corridor, softly shutting the door behind him.

For the rest of the day, Taemin didn’t speak to anyone. He wasn’t in the same daze Jonghyun had been in earlier, but talking didn’t feel right. He ate dinner in silence and went to his room afterwards, lying down on his bed to stare at the white ceiling.

That was where it really hit him, what had happened earlier. This time, Taemin couldn’t hold back the tears that welled up in his eyes when he thought about how much Jonghyun must have struggled today.

He hated seeing the older in pain, yet at the same time, Taemin felt like the luckiest guy in the world. For the first time, he had gotten a realistic glimpse of what it was like to love Kim Jonghyun – not only the happy-go-lucky one, but the real Jonghyun in all depth.

The image of Jonghyun he had stored in his head was finally becoming more complete and even if their meeting today had been a rather sad one, Taemin felt endlessly relieved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls forgive me for taking so long. i didn't have time to do most of my tasks last weekend, so here i am, four days late, finally getting that update out. thanks for waiting for me!  
i hope this chapter was satisfactory for all of you. personally, it's one of my faves i've written bc i wrote it all in one go and was very focused in the process. i don't know if i've ever talked about it on here, but i'm currently working on turning this story into an independent one so i can hopefully write my very first novel that isn't fanfiction. i'm changing up quite a few aspects that i felt were too unrealistic or simply too much, but if i can find a way, i would like to keep this scene in. that's how much i like it.  
i hope you're all doing well. ik things may seem hard at the moment and i'm also slightly on edge bc the next weeks are full of so much uncertainty, but it's alright. we'll get through this. i'm currently distracting myself by playing the danganronpa 2 dating sim and watching shinee's eps on shinhwa broadcast with spanish subs.  
i'm curious though - what are you all doing? if you want, you can tell me in the comments. otherwise, we'll hopefully see each other in three or four days!


	18. XVIII - Thank You

Taemin made sure to keep his promise. The following day he returned to the hospital after completing his dance practice, even though visiting hours were almost over and his parents were probably waiting for him at home.

However, Taemin didn’t want to risk losing Jonghyun’s trust so shortly after he had gained it. Yesterday proved that the older did trust Taemin at least a bit, but their friendship was still new and so much more fragile than the one between Taemin and Key.

Jonghyun’s partner seemingly didn’t know how much he had been struggling yesterday, as Key approached Taemin normally the next day. She was, of course, still stressed because of her finals, but Taemin could tell the difference between a regularly stressed Key and a Key who was worried about Jonghyun by now.

He chose not to mention yesterday’s episode. Key already had enough to deal with – no one knew just how many new physical and emotional bruises she had gained over the weekend – and Taemin didn’t even have to think twice about helping her and Jonghyun at once.

That was another reason why he just had to visit Jonghyun the very next day, even if that could potentially mean the older wouldn’t be any better.

Funnily enough, Taemin ran into Jonghyun in the entrance hall of the hospital where he was standing on his own, watching the sliding doors. He seemed to be lost in thought but his eyes lit up with recognition when Taemin approached him shyly, unsure of how to act.

“Taemin!”

Jonghyun’s call was soft, almost inaudible to anyone but himself, but Taemin still smiled.

“Hyung. I came back, as I promised.”

“Let’s go outside quickly. That way, you won’t get kicked out immediately.”

After many weeks, Taemin found himself wandering through the hospital park by Jonghyun’s side again. The silence that had settled over them right after their greeting was different from yesterday – it was much less oppressive and much more comfortable.

Finally, Jonghyun gestured at a bench standing next to the path they were on, sitting down next to Taemin. For a while, the two of them just glanced around, taking in the nature around them and the setting sun.

Had they been a couple, the whole scene would have been incredibly cheesy, Taemin thought, a blush rising up his neck immediately. He quickly turned away from Jonghyun, hoping the older hadn’t noticed.

“Taemin-ah.”

Taemin honestly didn’t know how it was possible for anyone to have a voice as pleasant as Jonghyun’s. His voice wasn’t only noise; it was feeling, sensations, warmth…

“I wanted to apologize for yesterday…”

Of course, the first thing to come out of Jonghyun’s mouth was an apology. Taemin really should have known.

“I feel very sorry for stealing so much of your time,” Jonghyun continued in his sweet, apologetic voice.

The words cut into Taemin’s flesh like hot knives.

“As you may have guessed, yesterday was quite a bad day for me…a dark one. I’m not even sure how to explain it, I just- I’m sorry, but I’m incredibly grateful for what you did. I know it takes a lot to stay, to sit with me when I’m like this…

“There’s only so many people who have managed so far. My sister, my mum, Bum… You can really count them on one hand, huh?”

Jonghyun chuckled a bit, but his laugh didn’t sound humorless. Instead, he seemed truly amused at his own words.

“Anyway – thanks for holding my hand when I needed it, Taemin-ah. You gave me so much more than you can imagine… And even if it doesn’t cure me, it makes everything a bit easier. Please accept my-“

“Hyung!” Taemin interrupted.

He couldn’t take it anymore. Even if Jonghyun seemed fine now, he couldn’t stand the way he was apologizing for nothing – because Taemin had done nothing.

“I will not accept your apology, because there is nothing you have to be sorry for!” he firmly told Jonghyun, whose eyes widened slightly. “I couldn’t have borne to leave you alone yesterday. You can thank me, hyung, that’s fine. Let’s thank each other.”

Taemin sent Jonghyun a slight smile, just to be sure the older knew he was being genuine.

“Thank you, hyung, for taking my hand yesterday. I’m sure it must have required a lot of trust to even let someone see you in such a vulnerable state – not that I left you much of a choice, but it still means a lot to me.

“You could have sent me away, or maybe you couldn’t have, but I’m glad I got to stay. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to see you hurting. But I’m still glad I got to see that side of you as well. Because without it, I can only know half of you, hyung.”

“You- I…”

For once in his life, Jonghyun seemed to be at a loss for what to say. He started a few times but stopped himself all over again, trying to find the right words. Taemin reached for his hand like he had yesterday, giving Jonghyun’s fingers a squeeze.

“Don’t disagree with me, hyung. I’m just being honest. One time, you told me you were trying to be honest after what happened. I want to be like that, too. More honesty, remember?”

“You’re really something, Taemin.”

Once again, Jonghyun was smiling. He looked exhausted to the bone, but Taemin suddenly realized this was him. This man was the real Kim Jonghyun, stripped off his happy mask.

“How old are you again? 16? And you’re so wise.”

Jonghyun shook his head, a laugh rumbling deep in his chest.

“More honesty, right. The last days were hard. I’m on antidepressants and the meds are working and everything, but they can’t cure me completely. My doctors told me that, they told me there would still be bad days, just a lot less frequently.

“Yesterday was the worst in a while. I couldn’t even talk – you noticed, didn’t you? I couldn’t say a single word, couldn’t get up from the bed, couldn’t eat. I was all on my own for a long while, but then I heard your voice and you were talking…that helped pull me back.

“Of course, it was still hard, but I tried holding on to you – figuratively and literally. Yesterday evening, I fell asleep trying to remember everything you told me and how you sounded. I think I even dreamt of you…funny, isn’t it?”

A giggle slipped out of Jonghyun’s mouth and Taemin held his hand a little but tighter.

“Today, I’m feeling a bit better. I’m so grateful for that – Key came to visit me earlier and I wouldn’t have wanted to burden her with this… I’m honestly worried about her.”

“Because of her father?”

When Jonghyun winced, Taemin unconsciously copied his action.

“That, too. Of course. To be honest, Key is just as much of a problem child as I am. There are so many reasons why I have to worry about her. Not only her father, but the way she feels… Sometimes her dysphoria gets really bad and I…I want to help her, at least a bit.”

Jonghyun let his gaze wander over Taemin’s face.

“Isn’t it funny how we found each other? We’re both a bit hard to love.”

“Why would you be hard to love?” Taemin blurted out before he could stop himself.

He was aware of his burning ears, but Jonghyun just laughed quietly.

“I mean, I’m depressed and anxious. I can’t even care for myself some days. Key just wants to destroy her own body sometimes. She lives in constant fear of being outed. Her dad beats her, but she refuses to believe he’s doing any wrong.

“You think it’s easy with either of us?”

“But you’re both so amazing,” Taemin mumbled.

At this point, he hardly cared about his own confessions anymore.

“You’re both beautiful people and…and you have each other. Your relationship is something really special – even I can see that…”

…without being part of it.

“You’re amazing, too, Taemin,” Jonghyun said. And then, “can I hug you?”

Baffled at the fact that the older had just asked for permission, Taemin nodded. Jonghyun instantly dove towards him, a pair of muscular arms wrapping around Taemin’s torso and holding him close.

“Thank you so much, Taeminnie,” Jonghyun whispered as he squeezed the younger.

And Taemin could feel it all. He could smell Jonghyun’s shampoo, could hear his breaths, could sense his heartbeat pounding against his neck. That day, he fell for Jonghyun a little bit more.

_______________________________

Time passed by even faster after that day. Taemin found himself dancing harder, studying harder and worrying more about Key, whose stress levels were slowly becoming a danger to her health.

Even though she repeatedly told him she was fine, Taemin didn’t really trust her words – especially not after he found her crying in the boys’ bathroom one time. For some reason, he could immediately tell she was having a bad day.

Her make-up, which was usually hardly noticeable at school, was heavier than the days before and a frown had constantly been etched into her face this morning.

Taemin was hardly surprised when he heard her sniffles and saw her tear-streaked face in the mirror as soon as he entered the bathroom.

“Oh, Taemin.”

Key’s voice gave away just how startled she was by his sudden entrance. Taemin briefly wondered what she would have done if it had been anyone else.

“What brings you here?”

Taemin rolled his eyes at her question. After checking that all the stalls were empty, he replied, “really, noona?”

“Well…”

Key managed to send him an awkward smile which immediately faltered as soon as Taemin’s eyes softened. Her eyes were watering again, no matter how hard she tried to hide it, and her voice was shaky as she spoke

“It’s nothing, really. Just…”

Her voice failed her. Without a word, Taemin went over to her and pulled her into a hug. Other than all the other times when she had practically thrown herself at him, Key stayed stiff for a few moments, only giving in to the hug when Taemin didn’t let go of her.

The younger felt her rest her head on his shoulder all too carefully, as if she was afraid he would pull away.

“Are you feeling bad, noona?” he asked, even though the answer was obvious.

Key nodded and sniffled a bit.

“I just… I miss my wigs.”

“Aren’t you wearing them anymore?” Taemin asked, confused.

His heart broke a little when he felt Key shake her head against his shoulder.

“I- They’re at the bottom of my wardrobe. My dad has been a bit i-irritated lately and I don’t want him to find them or anything.”

She didn’t have to say more for Taemin to realize that Key really couldn’t dress up the way she wanted to at the moment. It just wasn’t safe for her at home and with Jonghyun still at the hospital, she seemed hesitant to visit his family.

Taemin was actually quite sure they wouldn’t have minded at all judging by all the stories he had heard, yet he also knew Key had a bit of a complex when it came to burdening others – much like her boyfriend.

“I last wore them at Minho’s place a few weeks back,” Jongin’s sibling quietly confessed. “But even there, I gotta be careful ‘cause his parents don’t know… I don’t wanna trouble him.”

“Of course you don’t, noona,” Taemin whispered as he petted her back.

He had been giving an awful amount of comfort to others lately, but at least that meant he was getting less awkward at it.

“You can always come by my place, though. You don’t have to stay over. But if you just wanna wear your wig for a few hours, you’re always welcome at my place.”

“Are you sure?”

Key pulled away a bit and suddenly, Taemin was staring right into her dark eyes. The eye contact made him nervous and just the slightest bit uncomfortable, but he tried not to let it go. After all, he had initiated their hug himself and Key needed physical comfort more than anything else right now.

“You’ve been…keeping your distance lately. I think I may have overstepped some lines, too, hugging you and everything. I really don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything.”

Key turned away, but she hadn’t been able to conceal the sadness in her gaze. Taemin bit his lip as he tried to think of an excuse. He didn’t think Key had noticed his reactions to her getting close to him, but the fact that she knew made him feel guilty.

“I just get surprised when you come at me so suddenly,” he stammered, his heartbeat pounding in his ears. “I’m not the touchiest person anyway, so…”

“But I did make you uncomfortable. And I want to apologize for that. I’ll try to ask before I touch you, okay?”

Taemin was too baffled to do anything but nod. A weak yet genuine smile appeared on Key’s lips as she turned to check her appearance in the mirror.

“Oh no, my eyeliner is all smudged.”

She quickly dug into her pocket and pulled out a pencil that looked sharp enough to stab someone’s eyes out. His muscles tense, Taemin watched Key re-apply eyeliner to her face.

When she was finally done, he relaxed, but only until she suddenly turned towards him with a wicked little smile.

“Let me try it out on you,” she begged, “please. It’d look so good on you, Min!”

“B-but-“ Taemin stuttered as he backed away a little, raising his hands to defend himself.

He couldn’t just go back to class sporting eyeliner, could he? What would everyone think?

“Please.”

Now Key was pouting – and whether it was because Taemin couldn’t resist her anyway or because he suddenly remembered everyone in his class thought he was freak anyway, he decided to throw his worries out of the window and let her have her way.

“Fine,” he gave in. “But try to keep it natural.”

Five minutes later, Taemin was admiring himself in the mirror. He was surprised to find that the eyeliner actually suited him. It made him appear older, less innocent than before, and when he saw Key stand next to him in the mirror, he couldn’t help but think that they looked good together.

He would have liked to test if their hands fit together nicely as well, but Taemin knew those were just stupid, irrational thoughts. However, he couldn’t even be mad at himself for failing to control his brain again because Key looked a lot happier than before.

“By the way, there’s good news too,” she stated as she threaded her fingers through her fringe. “Jjong’s being released from the hospital in two weeks.”

“Already?”

Taemin couldn’t believe his ears. He had grown so used to visiting Jonghyun at the hospital that he couldn’t imagine Key’s boyfriend living anywhere else. Of course, he had known Jonghyun couldn’t stay at the hospital forever, but to think that the day of his release would come so soon.

“Yes, Friday in two weeks. We’ll probably go out to eat with a few friends. Just to celebrate Jjong’s return. You’re invited, of course.”

Taemin sent Key a shy smile. Suddenly, though, he remembered that his second dance showcase was the next day. Somehow, the thought made him feel weirdly excited. Maybe, if he could actually muster up the courage, Key and Jonghyun could both come to watch him.

“Is something wrong?” Key asked curiously. “You look like you’re thinking really hard right now.”

“I-It’s nothing,” Taemin quickly said. “I’m just happy that hyung will be back so soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kinda broke my promise of updating during the weekend yet again, but at least i'm only one day behind, so yay for that! upon reading, i kinda disliked some parts in this chapter mostly because of the style i used, but that's something i know i need to work on in the future.  
as i said, i'm working hard on turning this into an independent story atm. it will most likely be set in a town in minnesota as of now, and since i am in germany, i'm doing a lot of reading and research right now - both on the experience of living and growing up in minnesota and also asian-american experience because some of the characters will have that background. it's exhausting, but also super interesting and i love how things are coming together a bit. if anyone of you is from the us and wants to share their experience with me or kindly explain the high school system, feel free to message me here or dm me on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/_artistic_whale_/?hl=de)!  
other than that, i hope you guys are fine as always. the next chapter will definitely be a fun one! i'll see you next weekend (hopefully, if i don't randomly forget again).


	19. XIX - Meeting

Kibum asked Taemin to meet him at a small restaurant downtown on the day of Jonghyun’s release. The older had come to school despite planning to pick up his boyfriend later, and Taemin was honestly astonished.

However, the second Kibum told him he couldn’t miss any lessons now, Taemin realized he was only stressing because of finals.

That day, for the first time ever, Taemin showered at school after dance practice. Usually, he avoided the communal showers in favor of his own bathroom at home, both because he found it awkward to shower with his teammates and because some of them were avoiding him like the pest after he had been outed.

But Taemin definitely couldn’t turn up to Jonghyun’s little party reeking of sweat, so he figured the other dancers would just have to suck it up this once.

He came out of the school building at 06:30, sporting wet hair but dressed nicely in skinny black pants and a white shirt that was almost see-through. He had even picked out a fancy pair of earrings and a few rings to spice up his outfit a bit, and for quite a while, Taemin worried if he had tried a little too hard to look good.

After all, he was just going to a small get-together. However, both Key and Jonghyun deserved to see him wear something nicer than a school uniform or his usual hoodies and shorts. Additionally, Taemin was quite sure most of the people Jonghyun had invited, if not all, were older than him, so he wanted to make a good impression.

When he got to the restaurant, Key and Jonghyun weren’t there yet. However, he immediately spotted Minho at a table with two girls he didn’t know and hastily went over to his senior.

“Taemin!” Minho greeted him in a loud and obnoxious fashion, even getting up from the ground to give Taemin a one-armed hug.

The younger certainly felt appreciated but also a bit embarrassed when both of the girls’ gazes came to rest on him. Luckily, the one with a short haircut looked quite young. Whether it was because she wasn’t wearing make-up or because of her actual age, Taemin couldn’t tell.

“Let me introduce you,” Minho suggested. “This is Victoria-noona. She’s actually older than all of us, even Jinki-hyung. I think Jonghyun-hyung knows her through Sodam-noona.”

“That’s right.”

The girl next to Minho smiled at Taemin. She was very pretty, her long black hair framing her face beautifully, and if Taemin hadn’t known Kibum yet, he probably would have developed a small crush on her.

“And this is Amber,” Minho went on, pointing at the short-haired girl who showed a peace-sign. “She’s younger than Kibum and me by a year, but she’s tougher than anyone I know.”

“Yep, that’s me,” Amber confirmed with a wink.

Minho took Taemin’s hand to pull him down so that he could sit at the table with them.

“And this,” he dramatically paused for a moment, “this is the famous Lee Taemin.”

“Oh, so you’re Taemin!” Victoria immediately gushed. “You’re so pretty.”

Taemin didn’t know whether he should scoff or bluff. Pretty wasn’t really an attribute he could be proud of, but at least her reaction was positive. He was kind of surprised that Victoria instantly seemed to know who he was, but his confusion quickly resolved when she continued talking.

“Jonghyun told me a lot about you. Kibum too. Let me tell you, I sometimes feel like they are both obsessed with you.”

“Are they now?” Taemin dumbly replied.

He had never imagined something like this to happen. It felt surreal to hear such a story from someone else. Never had Taemin ever imagined that Kibum or Jonghyun, let alone both of them, would talk about him to their friends.

To Taemin, it always seemed like he liked the two of them a lot more than he should, and a lot more than they liked him. However, it was just normal to talk about your friends, he decided after a few seconds of thinking.

Amber and Minho had begun to talk about something else in the meantime, but their conversation was interrupted when more people arrived at their table.

“Taeyeon-eonni!” Amber called as she waved excitedly. “Come sit down with us and meet Taemin! He’s the kid Kibum’s been hanging with all the time!”

Another pretty lady sat down at the table, offering Taemin a shy yet warm smile, and the youngest at the table began to wonder why Jonghyun only seemed to have female friends when a familiar person approached their table.

“Am I late?” was the man’s first question as he hurriedly sat down, almost crashing into the table.

“Careful, Jinki-yah,” Taeyeon called. “Don’t hurt yourself before Jongkey have even gotten here.”

“Jongkey?”

Taemin frowned, only growing more confused when the whole table burst into laughter.

“Jonghyun-oppa and Kibum-oppa,” Amber quickly explained. “It’s like their couple name. Jong and Key, get it?”

“Oh, yeah…”

The fact that it was this obvious made Taemin feel like an idiot. Luckily, Jinki seemed to notice, as he immediately reached over to clumsily pat Taemin’s arm.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t get it either at first.”

Once again, everyone’s attention was diverted from their conversations when yet another person arrived, looking a bit disheveled an out of breath yet otherwise quite intimidating. Taemin eyed the boy up and down twice, trying not to feel threatened by the fact that his wardrobe was worth more money than Taemin had ever owned.

“Junmyeon-hyung!” Minho enthusiastically greeted the guy, who sent him a smile that looked slightly pained.

“I’m sorry for being late. By the way, Donghae-hyung won’t make it. But I think he already told Jonghyun himself.”

“How’s Kris doing?” Amber asked in a conversational tone, leaning closer to Junmyeon who stiffened a bit.

“Just being the most awkward person on this planet, as always.”

Taemin’s head was spinning. He had long ago lost count of how many new names he had heard at this table so far, and Junmyeon’s announcement made him wonder just how many other people would join them tonight.

A small get-together looked different in his opinion, but on the other hand, it had been Kibum talking. 

Speaking, or thinking, of the devil, Minho pointedly glanced at his watch.

“I can’t believe they are late to their own party.”

“It sure as hell won’t be Sodam-unni’s fault,” Amber chimed in. “Probably just our dear friend Kibum-oppa taking too long to do his make-up.”

“What are you talking about?”

The whole table, including Taemin himself, flinched when all of a sudden, Kibum’s voice rang out to them. With confident strides, Jongin’s sibling was walking towards them, hands on his hips.

“I come here to find you saying bad stuff about me. Why did I invite you again, Amber?”

“Kibum, my friend!”

Amber seemed unfazed by Kibum’s scolding, something Taemin couldn’t understand. Instead of apologizing, the short-haired girl got up to bump Kibum’s fist.

“Glad to see you finally made it,” she cheekily added while Kibum glared at her.

“Yeah, right, sorry we’re late,” he then said as he turned to the rest of the group. “But we did make it in the end, right hyung?”

When he received no answer, Kibum whipped around, only to discover no one was standing behind him.

“Gosh, I can’t believe this!” he exclaimed as he squeezed right in between Taemin and Jinki, much to Taemin’s surprise. “They were right behind me a second ago, I swear!”

To Taemin’s right, Minho was giggling into his napkin, but only until Victoria jabbed him in the side with her very sharp-looking elbow.

“They’re here. Sodam, Jonghyun-ah, over here!”

She waved wildly and three seconds later, the main character of the evening finally stepped up to the table with a sheepish smile.

“Sorry, I’m late,” Jonghyun mumbled, his eyes hidden behind his fringe.

Taemin thought he looked adorable, but he swallowed down the comment like so many other things his mouth wanted to spit out sometimes.

“Ah, don’t worry. We didn’t even order yet.”

The table’s reaction to Jonghyun was quite different from the welcome they had given Kibum. Everyone immediately accepted Jonghyun’s apology whereas his boyfriend had been teased first, and Taeyeon and Junmyeon immediately scooted over so Jonghyun could sit down.

It was only when the older boy walked around the table that Taemin noticed he hadn’t come on his own. Behind him walked a girl, or rather a young woman, with chubby cheeks and friendly eyes. She was even shorter than Jonghyun and sat down right beside him, letting her gaze wander around.

Before Taemin could conclude who she was, Kibum suddenly spoke up.

“Now that everyone’s here, I believe I need to introduce someone. This,” he pointed at Taemin, who promptly began to blush, “is Taemin. He’s Jongin’s age and we also met through him.”

“Where is Jongin-ah, by the way?” Junmyeon asked with a frown. “Didn’t you invite him?”

“Of course we did, who do you think we are? He simply couldn’t make it. Also, I believe some of you may not know her.”

This time, Kibum pointed at the girl next to Jonghyun and Taemin couldn’t hold back a relieved sigh. It would have been incredibly awkward, had he not been told who she was.

“I know her!” Minho piped up, but Kibum immediately made him shut up with an eyeroll.

“I know that you know her, Minho. Anyway, that’s Sodam-noona, Jjong’s sister.”

“Hi.”

The woman, who had quietly been giggling after Minho’s comment, gave a little wave. Taemin observed her for a moment and decided she resembled her brother quite a bit. Jonghyun’s face was a lot more defined, his cheek bones looking even sharper in the dim light, but they both had round puppy eyes.

Sodam seemed to have noticed Taemin’s staring as she sent him a small smile, but he quickly turned away. For some reason, the fact that Jonghyun’s sister was here made him nervous.

He had heard so many things about her and her mother from Kibum and Taemin knew just how close she was to Jonghyun. He couldn’t help wondering how she had survived the past months.

However, her face showed no obvious signs of exhaustion or sadness, something that couldn’t be said about anyone else at the table. Jonghyun looked tired yet happy, but everyone else seemed a little nervous at least.

Taemin couldn’t blame them. Even though they were celebrating tonight, he couldn’t completely forget the reason why they were holding this party tonight. Everyone at the table obviously cared a lot about Jonghyun, and they were probably still worried about him.

It was no wonder Kibum looked the worst out of everyone. Not even his colorful make-up could hide the dark bags under his eyes, which could have been caused by nights their owner had spent studying, or by other circumstances Taemin didn’t want to think about.

However, he had noticed that even Minho was sporting dark circles, which eased his worries a little bit.

While Taemin had been lost in thought, everyone else had begun to converse with each other. Taemin’s thinking was harshly interrupted by the sound of Minho’s booming laughter and when he turned to his right, he had to discover that the older boy was in the middle of a conversation with Junmyeon, Amber and Kibum.

Since he found Junmyeon a bit intimidating, Taemin decided to talk to someone else, but he quickly realized no one was paying attention to him. Sodam, Kibum and Taeyeon were talking quietly, Jonghyun was listening to them and even Jinki, who Taemin remembered was quite awkward, was laughing at something Victoria had said.

Suddenly, Taemin couldn’t help feeling like a lost child between all these strangers who were older than him. He knew he didn’t have enough courage to join any ongoing conversation and the longer he sat there, the more he wished he was somewhere else.

When he was with Jonghyun or Kibum only, it was easy to forget about the age difference between them. They never made Taemin feel like a child, but now that everyone to his left and right was talking about finals, about college and other things he had no idea about, Taemin realized he could never truly fit in with any of them.

He had been lying to himself for a while now, had told himself he could be close to Kibum and Jonghyun and in the end, Taemin had fallen for an illusion.

He frowned, trying to drive the negative thoughts out of his mind and think about a different topic, but as usual, his worries were persistent.

It was only when he heard a soft voice call his name that Taemin snapped out of his thoughts, all wide-eyed and confused.

“Taemin-ah,” Sodam called again, smiling at him when he finally caught her gaze.

She had stopped talking to Kibum and was looking at Taemin as if she wanted to start a conversation with him. When he didn’t say anything, she asked, “so you were the one who suggested Jjong should work at a pet shelter?”

Taemin was a bit perplexed hearing her use the Kibum’s nickname for his boyfriend. He had always assumed it was a special name reserved for the older boy’s loved ones since only Kibum called him that, and this confirmed his theories.

Jjong – Taemin wondered how the nickname would feel on his tongue.

“I d-did suggest it,” he shyly told Sodam, unable to keep the stutter out of his voice. “It’s not a big deal, though, I’m sure Kibum-hyung would have thought of it sooner or later.”

“Sooner is better, though. And it was your idea, so you should take some credit for it,” Sodam laughed. “How did you even know my brother liked animals so much?”

“Well, we kinda found out about our mutual love for dogs one day at the hospital park.”

Taemin blushed a bit at the fond memory. That day, he hadn’t known Jonghyun all that well yet, but they had still been able to spent a whole afternoon talking about dogs and everything else.

“So you visited him often?”

“I did,” Taemin confirmed. “It’s kind of weird how I never saw you, you must have been there even more often. But I didn’t meet any of hyung’s friends there, ever, except for Kibum-hyung of course. But I think he practically lived there.”

“He definitely did. I was a bit sad because he didn’t keep coming to our place. You know, both my mum and I have gotten so used to having him around that it felt empty without him – but of course, I understand that he wanted to be with Jjong.”

Taemin slowly nodded at her words. He was hardly surprised at the fact that Sodam seemed to think of Kibum as a family member. If Kibum had only listened to Jonghyun’s sister properly, he would have known he was always welcome at her place.

But instead, he chose to put himself through the torture of living with his dad while Jonghyun was at the hospital. Taemin sincerely hoped that things would change for the better now that Jonghyun was home again.

“By the way, did Jjong tell you about our vacation?” Sodam suddenly wanted to know. “We’re going to Japan in a few weeks. We’ve had this trip planned for over a year already, and I’m so happy we will actually get to go. It was uncertain for a long time after everything that happened, but now everything’s fine.”

“I’d like to go to Japan again someday,” Taemin shyly admitted.

His parents had taken him to Tokyo when he was a child, but of course, he couldn’t remember much from their trip. Japan and its colorful streets had always interested Taemin, so he was happy to hear Jonghyun would actually go there soon.

“Oh, did you go already? What did you see?”

Sodam seemed overly excited by the fact that Taemin had travelled to Japan before, but he didn’t get to answer since their food was served at that moment. Taemin’s stomach growled when he spotted the pork belly Kibum had ordered for everyone.

He was a big eater when it came to meat and at this point, even his parents had started teasing him about eating up all of their hard-earned money.

“Taemin-ah, you’re drooling!” Minho chimed, receiving a death glare from the younger boy.

However, Amber reached out to high-five Taemin and from then, he was included in the conversation just like everyone else at the table. His conversation with Sodam almost forgotten, Taemin found himself talking to Amber and Jinki.

It helped a great deal that the former was 16 too, only turning 17 in a month, while the latter was just a nice guy and someone who Taemin had known beforehand.

By the end of the evening, Taemin had found out that Junmyeon was awkward and got embarrassed easily, yet he was in no way scary, which Minho’s interactions with him proved. He also knew now that Victoria had been a friend of Sodam’s first before she had gotten to know Jonghyun.

Taeyeon and Jinki had dated for about two months before deciding they rather wanted to be friends – something Amber was still laughing about to this day – and Minho did indeed have a crush on Sodam.

The way he kept trying to please her with funny stories and jokes was hilarious and Taemin vaguely remembered Kibum mentioning that his best friend had fallen for Jonghyun’s sister. It was the first time Taemin got to witness Minho trying to appeal to anyone and he smirked at the thought of teasing the older at school next week.

Meanwhile, Sodam seemed amused at Minho’s continuous attempts. She always smiled at him, but Taemin could immediately tell she saw Minho as a younger brother and nothing more.

After they were done eating their food, all of them engaged in light-hearted conversation, their stomachs full and warm. Kibum and Jonghyun excused themselves from the table after a while, telling everyone they would be back in a bit – when they were gone, Amber wiggled her eyebrows with a smirk.

Taemin found that the party was a lot less sad than he had thought at the beginning. After a while, everyone had begun to loosen up and Taemin had noticed no one treated Jonghyun like a raw egg, which was good he supposed.

He wouldn’t have wanted the older boy to feel uncomfortable surrounded by his closest friends, so Taemin was glad everything was working out. The only thing he was a bit regretful about was the fact that he hadn’t talked to Jonghyun and Kibum much tonight.

Of course, they were preoccupied with their other guests, some of which they probably didn’t see as often as Taemin. That reminded him that he wouldn’t meet up with Jonghyun regularly anymore.

It had been so easy to stop by the hospital after school, even if that meant being late for dinner, but now that Jonghyun had been released, Taemin wondered if he would still see the older.

There was a weight pressing down on his chest as he thought about the matter. He couldn’t deny that Jonghyun had become important to him – almost as important as Kibum.

However, maybe it was for the best if they didn’t see each other anymore, Taemin bitterly thought. Lately, his thoughts had reached a whole new level of being weird, and dangerous – to Kibum’s and Jonghyun’s relationship, the one thing Taemin knew he had to protect with his life.

He had seen how much the two of them depended on each other; he had heard the songs Jonghyun had written about Kibum. He had heard Kibum say Jonghyun was the one he needed in the end and Taemin knew he had been nothing but sincere then.

At the end of the day, it was Jonghyun and Kibum, together – Taemin’s own feelings hardly mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i sincerely apologize for not getting up a chapter last week, it slipped my mind for some reason.  
i hope you had fun with this one though! it was certainly fun to write for me because i got to include a few guest appearances - there is a second part to the whole 'party' so stay tuned!  
hopefully, you're all still doing well. i am still staying with my parents (which is cool since my birthday is on thursday and i would've had to spend it alone if it wasn't for corona). also, happy shinee month to everyone!  
please take good care of yourselves and stay healthy! i'll see you next week.


	20. XX - Wishes

“Oh my god, would you look at the time!” Junmyeon’s panicked voice pierced through Taemin’s thoughts, making him whip around.

The boy had gotten up, hurriedly putting on his expensive coat which he hadn’t left at the door like everyone else. Minho shook his head laughing, but he got up as well.

“Don’t you fret, Myeon-hyung,” he said, “my parents are picking me up in a few minutes. I’m sure I can convince them to drop you off at your place.”

“Really?”

Junmyeon looked a little too relieved in Taemin’s opinion, but then again, he had gotten the impression that the older boy was a little stuck up, or at least uneasy most of the time.

“I’ll text Kris real quick.”

“Come to think of it, I should probably take Amber home as well,” Sodam piped up.

Amber immediately groaned in protest, but Jonghyun’s sister shook her head with a fond smile.

“Don’t even try to convince me, young lady. You’re only sixteen and your parents are probably wondering where you are. I’ll take you home now.”

“Excuse me, but…what time is it?” Taemin timidly asked.

His phone had run out of battery earlier and he didn’t own a fancy watch like Junmyeon did.

“Half past ten,” Victoria replied with a glance at her phone. “Crazy, I know. I can’t believe how fast time flies. I guess I should get going too.”

“Us, too. Right, Jinki?”

Taeyeon turned to her ex-boyfriend, who hesitated for a few moments.

“Shouldn’t we at least wait for Kibum and Jonghyun to return? We’re here because of Jonghyun, after all.”

“Don’t worry about that, Jinki-yah,” Sodam told him. “I’ll just tell Jjong later. I’m not sure how long he and Kibum are gonna take until they return, but I’ll just pay for our food. You all told him you’re glad he’s back already, anyway, right?”

Everyone collectively mumbled something in agreement and suddenly, Taemin found himself sitting at the table alone as everyone else got up.

“Do you need a ride, Taemin?” Minho asked, but Taemin was too perplexed to nod.

He would probably have to wait for an hour until the bus came, but if Minho’s parents were already taking Junmyeon home, they probably didn’t exactly want to drive to his place. Therefore, Taemin politely declined Minho’s offer.

“No thanks, hyung. It’s fine. I’ll go home by myself.”

At least he would get some time to think on his way home, something Taemin knew he desperately needed.

However, he soon regretted his decision when everyone filed out of the restaurant one after another and he was left on his own. Sodam waved at him before she left, but after that Taemin was truly alone.

He had also just remembered his dance competition started tomorrow at ten, so he would have to be at school at least two hours prior since his coach had organized a bus for the whole team.

Taemin internally groaned at his own stupidity and at the prospect of having to get up early. Figuring he shouldn’t lose any more time, he put on his coat and left the restaurant after bowing to the owner sitting on a chair by the door.

The street in front of the building was empty, which meant everyone else had left for good already. With fast steps, Taemin began to walk down the street, determined to get to the bus stop quickly – except, he didn’t get very far.

A few buildings further down the street, he spotted two lonely figures sitting on a set of stairs under a poorly working streetlight. They were huddled together closely and all of a sudden, Taemin remembered a scene he had once observed in a park.

The memory made him shudder, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the couple. Taemin figured out that Kibum and Jonghyun had to be the ones sitting there before he was close enough to see their faces.

The younger of the two was tucked under his boyfriend’s arm, his face buried somewhere in his shirt. Jonghyun was speaking to him in hushed whispers and it didn’t take long for Taemin to realize Kibum was crying.

He instantly froze on the spot, unable to walk another step. Once again, much like the time he had seen Jonghyun and Kibum kiss at the hospital, Taemin got the sinking feeling in his chest that told him he was intruding. The scene that was unfolding right in front of his eyes was too intimate for anyone to see other than Jonghyun and Kibum themselves.

Kibum was completely vulnerable, crying into his boyfriend’s hoodie, and knowing Jonghyun, he probably wasn’t much better off.

Taemin honestly wanted to turn around and run. Even if that meant missing the bus and coming home even later, he knew he couldn’t just walk past Kibum and Jonghyun like he hadn’t seen anything.

However, before he could move, Jonghyun suddenly raised his head. Of course, he immediately spotted Taemin – how could he not, when the younger was standing in the middle of the street, frozen stiff.

Jonghyun didn’t say anything, didn’t let out a single noise, but he caught Taemin’s gaze and nodded at him ever-so-slightly, as if he wanted to tell him to come closer. Taemin felt panic rise up his throat in the form of bile.

What was Jonghyun thinking? He couldn’t walk up to him and Kibum like nothing had happened. This was a moment they were sharing, as a couple, and Taemin shouldn’t be part of that.

But Jonghyun’s gaze never faltered and Taemin couldn’t turn away. Instead, his legs moved as if he was being pulled by an invisible force until he was close enough to hear what Kibum was saying in-between sobs.

“I’m just so scared, Jjong. I’m so scared, I’m afraid…I don’t know what to do. I don’t know…”

“I know, baby,” Jonghyun mumbled, his voice calm and gentle. “I know, I’m scared too. But I’m here now. See? I’m here, I’m holding you, I’m breathing…”

Taemin wanted to cry. His heart hurt every time he heard Kibum’s raspy whisper, “I’m so scared.”

All the time, he had wondered how Kibum really had to be feeling after his boyfriend had almost died – now, Taemin almost wished he didn’t know.

Kibum must have heard his footsteps on the dry, dusty ground because he raised his head to stare at Taemin with tear-filled eyes. The younger boy half expected him to turn away, to hide away and conceal his vulnerable self from Taemin’s gaze.

But instead, Kibum – much like Jonghyun – just kept watching. He kept looking into Taemin’s eyes, he was still crying and Taemin thought he was beautiful.

“Hyung,” he whispered as he tentatively stepped closer, all the words he had wanted to say dying in his throat.

Finally, Kibum tore his eyes away and buried his face in Jonghyun’s shirt again.

“Has everyone else left?” his muffled voice rang out to Taemin, who only snapped out of his stupor after a few seconds.

“It’s getting late, hyung. They all said bye, though. I’m sure your sister would have told you…”

The last part was directed at Jonghyun, who just chuckled quietly. Under the streetlights, the circles under his eyes were more prominent than usual, but he still looked so much better than he had when Taemin had visited him at the hospital.

A soft smile still graced his features even after he had stopped laughing to himself.

“I’m glad you came tonight, Taemin.”

“It’s not a big deal, hyung,” Taemin immediately told him. “Really, I liked it. It was nice to see who your friends are.”

His heart was beating painfully fast in his chest, but he didn’t have time to pay attention to it. Instead, Taemin focused on the few tears that clung to Jonghyun’s bottom lashes and on the way Kibum was holding on to him, his hands fisting the fabric of Jonghyun’s top.

It took Taemin a few seconds to remember what he had been doing before he had spotted the couple on the staircase. When he did, his eyes widened.

“Oh, hyung, I was just on my way home, by the way. It’s quite late so I should really get going.”

“Are your parents picking you up?” Kibum skeptically asked.

He seemed to have calmed down a little and Taemin didn’t know whether to be happy or sad. Of course, he hated seeing Kibum cry, but he felt like he had stopped the older from properly letting out his emotions.

Kibum was already enduring so much on his own, so Taemin thought he should at least be able to cry in front of his boyfriend. But of course, he just had to turn up and ruin their intimacy.

Still, neither Jonghyun nor Kibum seemed mad, though the latter was watching him through narrowed eyes.

“And how were you gonna get home, Min-ah?”

“Uh…I’m gonna take the bus,” Taemin belatedly replied, after recovering from the endearing sight that was Kibum’s tear-stained, blotchy face.

“We can give you a ride,” Jonghyun immediately suggested. “My car is parked around the corner. It’s already late and-“

“No, hyung, don’t be concerned! I’m fine.”

Taemin was quick to interrupt him. He scrambled to stand up straighr, waving his hands in front of him as he tried to convince Jonghyun he was telling the truth.

In reality, he didn’t want to take up more of the couple’s time than he already had. The mere thought of what the two could get up to tonight, since Jonghyun was finally home after many weeks, made Taemin’s face burn, so he quickly turned away.

However, it seemed he still wasn’t fast enough for Kibum, who grabbed Taemin’s sleeve in a flash.

“Stop right there, Taemin. Isn’t your dance competition tomorrow morning?”

“It is?”

Taemin’s eyebrows rose as he stared at Kibum in confusion. He didn’t remember telling the older about his showcase and it only dawned on him later that Kibum must have heard about it from Jongin.

Now, his brow was furrowed and Taemin knew he was in trouble.

“You’re coming with us then. I’m not letting you take the bus in the middle of the night when you have somewhere to be tomorrow morning. I probably wouldn’t have let you take the bus either way, but that doesn’t matter.

“Now, the three of us will get up and go over to Jjong-hyung’s car. And you will not complain, got it?”

Jonghyun quietly giggled as a determined Kibum pulled him to his feet.

“C’mon.”

As soon as Jongin’s sibling had taken the lead, Jonghyun threw Taemin a sympathetic glance, as if to say he wasn’t the only one getting ordered around by Kibum on a daily basis.

Taemin returned the crooked smile before slowly trailing behind Kibum, secretly glad that he didn’t have to take the bus after all.

Jonghyun’s car smelled just like Taemin remembered – sweet like vanilla and very homely. Without a word, Taemin got into the back seat as Kibum sat in the front next to his boyfriend. The engine roared to life when Jonghyun turned the key and soon enough, the three were on their way to Taemin’s home with the radio playing softly in the background.

No one was talking, but Taemin found words weren’t needed. Kibum was looking out of the window, lost in thought, and though Taemin couldn’t see Jonghyun’s face, he figured that the older was basking in the memories they had made that evening.

It must have been nice for Jonghyun to see how many people cared about him – however, Taemin couldn’t help wondering if it also burdened the older. Jonghyun had once told him that he was sometimes incapable of giving anything back to the ones who loved him – and yet, all the people who had come to the outing tonight would gladly sacrifice their time and effort just to be with Jonghyun. Taemin was sure of that.

At that moment, it finally occurred to him that perhaps, Jonghyun saw himself differently than everyone else perceived him. To Taemin, he was nearly perfection, despite all his flaws and the hardships he had to live through – but Jonghyun had so many amazing qualities that made him unique.

Maybe those didn’t matter to him, though. Maybe they didn’t matter at all when Jonghyun’s mind took him to a dark place.

However, they mattered to Taemin and as he watched Kibum and Jonghyun from his seat, both in their own worlds yet still together, he felt indescribably glad for being able to know them both.

They arrived too fast for Taemin’s liking. He would have liked to stay in the car a little longer, if only to enjoy the slow songs that were on the radio, or to chase after a few more thoughts in the comfortable warmth.

“I’ll see you soon,” Jonghyun told Taemin after he had pulled up in front of his house.

Meanwhile, Kibum had gotten out of the car to walk Taemin to the door and send him off properly. For a few seconds, the two of them just stood next to each other in the dark and for the first time in a long while, Taemin didn’t feel nervous being this close to Kibum.

Instead, his chest was filled with an unfamiliar contentment as he turned to pull the older into a brief hug.

“Sleep well tonight, hyung,” he quietly said, his breath ghosting over the back of Kibum’s neck. “Don’t worry too much. It’s okay to be afraid, but no matter how dark everything around you may seem, you’re not alone. I’m there. I’ll be there.”

He didn’t know why exactly he had uttered these words at midnight, a whispered confession almost, but Kibum seemed to appreciate them. The older squeezed Taemin just a little bit tighter before letting go to face him with a small smile.

“You do well at the competition tomorrow. Good night, Taem.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i missed another week's update - i'm really sorry, you all deserve so much better -.- i haven't been writing at all so it slips my mind a lot - i'll try hard to get better at sticking to my own updating schedule.
> 
> however, on the pro side, i'm very satisfied with the chapter i brought to you tonight. the scene under the streetlight is probably one of my favorites bc i can envision it very clearly and i like the serene feeling that comes with it. i read it two weeks ago when i was getting ready to upload chapter 19 and honestly, i was a tiny bit impressed.
> 
> as always, i hope you're doing well - we're nearing 5/25 so i'll be in shinee bogoshipda mode 24/7, but i hope i'll find the time to update next weekend as well. right now, i'm not really sure how many chapters we have left, but there still are a few (i'm thinking most of you will be very pleased with them ~.~)
> 
> please stay safe & take good care of yourselves! thanks for reading this chapter and the story in general


	21. XXI - Visit

Whether it was Kibum’s influence or some kind of good fortune that had somehow entered Taemin’s life after last night, he felt great the next morning, despite having to get up early. His mother, who was just the slightest bit mad that he had returned home so late the night before, agreed to drive him to school from where he’d take the bus his coach had booked to a nearby city.

On the ride to the venue where the competition would be held, Taemin had to sit on his own, but he was already used to it. He allowed himself to enjoy the memories from last night a little more as he listened to the songs Kibum had recently recommended to him.

His coach seemed optimistic, constantly wearing a big smile on his face. Still, his orders were as stern as ever and Taemin found himself panting and sweating profusely just from the workout before the actual competition had even begun.

He had to perform two solo dances for the first round after choosing to opt out of the group competition – much to the coach’s dismay.

Determined to do well today, Taemin ran through his routine as often as he could before the participants were called to the gym where they would perform. Fortunately, Taemin was at the top of the judges’ list, which meant he would get to perform early.

Today, no one had come to watch him unlike last time, but since it was dance, nothing really mattered to Taemin. For five minutes, it was only him and the music, the jury blurring into the background as Taemin turned and jumped gracefully, landing right on the beat.

After his performance, he got to sit at the side and watch the other competitors. Taemin had to admit there were a lot of good routines, which made him a little nervous. He usually wasn’t too focused on results in competitions, but after last time’s disaster, he had sworn he would do better this time – not to mention, his coach expected it, too.

As Taemin watched the rest of the performances, he couldn’t help but imagine Kibum on stage in front of him. The older had proved many times that he was a very skilled dancer, especially when it came to remembering routines and reacting fast.

It almost made Taemin sad that Kibum let his talent go to waste so easily, but then he remembered how difficult things had to be for the older – even a thing as simple as dancing in a competition was made impossible by the fact that Kibum had to limit himself to his assigned gender.

Again, Taemin realized just how many obstacles Kibum had to face day after day. Taking all of them into account, he realized Jongin’s sibling was managing incredibly well, even though Taemin liked to worry about him so much.

Taemin kept thinking about Kibum for a while after that. It was honestly his favorite pastime right after dancing. Soon enough, all dancers registered in his category were called to the stage, though, and with a pounding heart, Taemin awaited the competition’s results.

Of course, the names were announced backwards, meaning the ones at the bottom of the list of those who had passed the first round were called first. Unsurprisingly, Jongin had placed 13th, meaning he would participate in the next round of the competition in a few weeks.

Unable to hold himself back, Taemin sneaked a peek at his best friend’s face which had lit up with joy. Even though he could be quite the perfectionist sometimes, Jongin didn’t even seem bothered by the fact that he hadn’t made it to the top 10, instead turning around and waving excitedly at someone in the audience.

Taemin had no time to look, though. He was too busy clutching his water bottle anxiously as more names were read off the list. The higher the numbers became, the faster his heart was beating until he was sure his chest would explode.

When they reached 6th place and he still hadn’t been called, Taemin was sure he hadn’t made it. After last time, he couldn’t hope to place high. Surely, the judges remembered his subpar performance. And besides, his routine hadn’t been very difficult this time around.

Of course, he had tried his best to make something out of the sequence, but Taemin couldn’t deny that he had seen better dances than his own today.

“4th place, Lee Taemin.”

When Taemin heard his name being called, he was too perplexed to express the happiness that swept over him a moment later. Blood was rushing through Taemin’s ears and he could hardly make out what the judges were saying.

All he knew was that he had gotten full marks on expression, which meant his performance had seriously impressed the jury. With a proud smile and a racing heart, he sat on the ground, feeling only slightly regretful due to the fact that he had no one to share his success with.

It turned out Taemin had placed the highest out of his whole team, which only made him feel prouder. The competition was won by a boy named Zhang Yixing, who was an exchange student from China and had admittedly delivered an amazing performance that had blown both Taemin and the audience away earlier.

The poor boy hardly seemed to understand what the judges were saying to him, but Taemin didn’t pay attention to him anyway. He was the first one who the coach went over to, shaking his hand with a contented smile.

“I knew you had it in you, Taemin-ah! If you work as hard for the second round, I’m sure you’ll make it to the finals!”

Taemin received a few more compliments from the man who usually didn’t go easy on his students, but soon enough, the coach moved on to the other team members and Taemin realized he was stuck on his own.

Wandering around mindlessly, he wondered what Jongin might be thinking. Was he jealous? There had always been a joking kind of rivalry between the two of them, but Taemin had no idea what their fight might have changed.

He exited the main hall, making his way towards the changing rooms to get his phone and text his parents. Except, Taemin was held back when all of a sudden, a muscular arm wrapped itself around his shoulders. At the same time, his eyes were suddenly covered by a warm, dry palm and short fingers, making Taemin gasp out loud.

“Guess who?” the mysterious person fluted and Taemin froze.

He could have recognized that voice anywhere, anytime, yet his brain was telling him it couldn’t be.

“H-hyung?” he stuttered, totally baffled when the hand was removed from his eyes.

Taemin was turned around to come face to face with a pouting Jonghyun – it was a turn the younger boy hadn’t expected, and his thoughts immediately began to race as he tried to figure out what Jonghyun was doing here.

“I saw your dance!” Jonghyun proudly announced, looking like he was about to receive an award for supporting Taemin. “Key told me you were good, but she didn’t say how good. I’m still shocked – I can’t believe you were really the person dancing on that stage.”

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean, hyung?”

Having recovered from his initial shock, Taemin playfully shoved Jonghyun.

“It’s just…you’re so lanky. You’re all limbs and you’re also a bit clumsy and sometimes you trip…but on stage, you looked so awesome. Your movements were so graceful and fluid, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone dance like that.”

As Jonghyun kept gushing about the performance, Taemin could feel his face heat up. He had been blushing an awful lot recently, but there was nothing he could do about it with neither Key nor Jonghyun giving him a break.

“You watched me dance once, though,” Taemin suddenly remembered. “It was before we knew each other.”

Jonghyun’s eyes widened comically at the statement.

“Oh, really? How come I don’t remember anything?”

“It was at the beginning of the year, a few weeks after school had started. I went to practice with…with Jongin and Key-noona was there too. I remember you and Minho-hyung, I think, were there to watch Key or something.”

“Well, we did that lots of times. I probably didn’t pay any attention to you back then. It’s a shame, though, I don’t even wanna think about the things I’ve been missing out on.”

“You’re overexaggerating, hyung!”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Stop it. I’m older and therefore, you have to listen to me.”

Taemin chuckled.

“I don’t have to believe you, though. But anyway, hyung, you didn’t tell me what you were doing here. I didn’t even see you in the audience earlier.”

“Well… Key – she’s with Jongin by the way – told me about your dance competition so we decided to go and support you two. Especially since she missed it last time after…”

Jonghyun trailed off. Suddenly, though, his finger shot up and he quickly added, “it was my idea to come here, though!”

“So Key-noona is with Jongin,” Taemin slowly repeated.

“Yeah. I think she hasn’t been spending a lot of time with him recently so she came here. She said she’ll probably treat him to lunch later. And well, I’m here with you since I’d just be third-wheeling.”

“Is that the only reason? I’m wounded, hyung.”

“No, Taemin, not at all! Please don’t think that!” Jonghyun frantically told him. “I wanted to congratulate you and everything. Plus, you were all alone earlier and I didn’t want you to be sad.”

He paused for a second before his eyes suddenly turned a darker shade, his expression becoming serious.

“How are things with you and Jongin, by the way? Have you talked to him at all since you two fought?”

“I haven’t,” Taemin truthfully replied, watching the older shake his head sorrowfully.

“I figured as much. You have to excuse me – I know you told me a lot about Jongin and you that day when you visited me at the hospital, but I wasn’t really in my right mind so I missed most of it. I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be, hyung, it’s alright. And well, Jongin and I…”

Taemin thought for a moment.

“It’s crazy how we went from being best friends to being like strangers in the span of six months. But right now, I can’t imagine ever being close to him again. I’ve gotten so used to this situation…and besides, I don’t think we could ever go back to how it was before we fought.”

“I understand that,” Jonghyun nodded. “It’s only natural to feel that way. You don’t trust him anymore after what he did – rightfully of course – and he is probably still hurt by the way you replaced him with his sibling.”

“But that’s not what happened! Key and Jongin are totally different cases!”

Seconds later, Taemin wanted to bite off the tip of his tongue for saying something as bold, to Jonghyun of all people. He couldn’t make the other doubt his relationship or Key’s feelings for him now, not after everything that had happened.

However, Jonghyun seemed unbothered by Taemin’s suspicious statement. He let his palm rest on the younger boy’s arm, exuding the warmth and comfort that Taemin didn’t know he had needed until this very moment.

“You may feel like that, but from Jongin’s perspective, it’s different all over again. I’m not saying you should forget about his mistakes – but he’s just as hurt as you are in the end. Though, maybe it’s okay that you two have drifted apart. Some friendships do end like that because we all change over time.”

Taemin didn’t reply anything after that. Instead, he pondered on Jonghyun’s words and the amount of truth they contained. He had met so many new people in the last few months and once again, it struck him just how different he was now.

Unknowingly, Taemin had matured like he had always wanted to. The thought filled him with a sense of pride he had been missing for a long time.

“Wanna know something a little bit happier, though?” Jonghyun suddenly asked, his expression turning cheerful again. “Next week, I’m gonna start looking for a job at a pet shelter. There are quite a few ones in the area where I live and also close to Key’s and your school. Let’s see which one will take me in!”

“I’m sure they’d all be glad to take you. After all, you look like a puppy yourself.”

“Yah, I can’t believe this! Bum keeps calling me a dinosaur to the extent where she’s decided Amber, Donghae-hyung and I have actually been alive for millions of years – and now you’re calling me a puppy? It’s not fair…”

“You’re a cute puppy, though.”

Taemin ignored the sudden urge to pinch Jonghyun’s cheeks, instead smirking as his hyung wrung his hands in despair.

The two of them kept bickering back and forth for a while until Key joined them, making a huge fuss by squeezing Taemin’s cheeks while laughing at him for looking so surprised when his name had been announced earlier.

“You should have seen yourself!” she cackled as Taemin glared at her. “I thought your eyes were gonna pop out! Lee Taemin placing fourth? – not on Taemin’s watch.”

“Sometimes, I really hate you, noona,” Taemin grumbled.

Soon after, Jonghyun excused himself to the restroom which left Taemin and Key in the corridor. After the last few times they had been alone together, Taemin almost expected something disastrous to happen, but Key seemed awfully shy today.

She kept fiddling with her rings and playing with her hands, hardly ever raising her gaze to look at Taemin directly.

“Are you doing okay, noona?” Taemin worriedly asked. “Is today a bad day?”

“Ah, it’s alright,” Key reassured him, though she never stopped fidgeting. “Really, I’ve been better, but my make-up turned out well and…”

She bit her tongue and finally her gaze met Taemin for the split of a second.

“Actually…there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you.”

“Me?”

Taemin was baffled. He had no idea what Key might want from him, but his questions were soon answered when she went on.

“Yes, you. So, I don’t know if you remember – I’ve told you about this before when we went shopping once – but anyway, there’s this party held by a group of art students in a few weeks. It’s pretty much right after my birthday.”

“Is it the one you made that dress for?”

Taemin vaguely remembered Key telling him about the ball, but the memories were a little hazy, so he couldn’t be too sure if he was right.

“The black one, yes. I’m done with it, by the way. But, well, my point is that Jjong will be in Japan at that time. He’ll leave the day after my birthday and…I don’t really wanna go alone.”

The last part Key had mumbled so quietly that Taemin had trouble understanding her. When she saw his questioning expression, Key timidly smiled.

“I wanted to ask you if you wanted to go with me.”

“Me?”

Taemin’s voice cracked terribly, but he couldn’t care less. At the moment, his entire mind was focused on the fact that Key had just asked him out to a party – of course, it was only because her boyfriend was in another country, but Taemin still felt like it was a big deal.

“Yes, you,” Key confirmed again. “Why else would I be asking you?”

For a moment, Taemin thought of refusing. It was ridiculous really – half a year ago, he had been dreaming of an opportunity like this one, but now he was so used to pushing his feelings back for Jonghyun’s sake, to being overly cautious around Key that he didn’t think he could accept.

But then he remembered just how nervous she had seemed before asking him and he saw the hope shining in her eyes. That was when Taemin knew he couldn’t decline.

“If you really wanna go with someone like me, I’m in.”

“Really?”

Key’s face turned serious.

“You know what that means, though. I’ll be wearing my dress, regardless of the way I’m feeling that day. Maybe you’ll have to go there with a boy wearing a dress. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, I understand.”

“Noona, don’t be ridiculous!”

Taemin honestly wanted to scold Key for being so insecure, for believing even for the split of a second that he wouldn’t stick by her side through everything. Hadn’t he proven enough times that he had learned from the past, that he had changed?

However, at the beautiful smile blooming on Key’s face, all of Taemin’s anger dissolved into thin air.

“No one could rock a black dress like you, noona!” he boldly told her, feeling a sudden burst of confidence rush through his body. “And it’s for sure that I’ll have the hottest date at the party!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on shinee day, i present you more cute jongtae and also shy!key. how do you like it?  
i hope you are all spending the 25th (and also the following days) happily and safely! personally, i'm (re)watching a lot of shows, especially amazing saturday - i really hope key will return to that show once he finishes his service TT he's so good at guessing and the show also does a great job at pushing the shinee5 agenda (which you can't say about sm ent...unfortunately).  
anyway, let's not focus on the bad things but celebrate this day happily! happy shinee day everyone!


	22. XXII - A Piece

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please beware of the cheese

Taemin had wanted Key’s birthday to be a great day for her. He only wished for the best because that was what she deserved after going through so much each day.

However, instead her birthday became the day when she showed Taemin another piece of herself, of _Key_.

Taemin already knew when he met her at school in the morning that the day wasn’t going to be an easy one.

Even though she greeted him with a tired little smile like usual, Key looked like a mess. Her hair, which was usually combed down in a neat fringe, was messy, her face bare, and her eyes sported the darkest bags Taemin had ever seen on her.

He tried not to let his worry show as he ran over to her and gave her a tight hug. Today of all days, he couldn’t refrain from touching Key – otherwise, she probably would have thought he was mad at her.

Taemin didn’t comment on the dried blood sticking to Key’s bottom lip and neither did Minho, who arrived a few minutes later with a small cupcake for his best friend.

“I couldn’t really bring a whole cake to school, so I got this instead,” he explained with a smile. “It’s chocolate, your favorite.”

“Thanks,” came Key’s half-hearted reply a few seconds too late.

Taemin carefully observed as she took the cupcake from Minho’s hands and carefully blew out the candle on top.

“I’ll eat it later,” she then said. “I feel a bit sick right now.”

Taemin spent his next few lessons trying to think of ways to cheer Key up in order to soothe the worries gnawing at his heart. He wanted, he needed to know what was wrong, but there were so many possibilities that guessing would have been pointless.

By the time they met for lunch, Taemin was determined to tell as many puns as possible, if only to make Key scold him for being silly. Anything was better than the constant frown on her face, but when she came in with red-rimmed eyes and splotchy skin, Taemin suddenly forgot what he had wanted to say.

“What are you gonna do later, noona?” he asked when she sat down with him, resting her head in her hand exhaustedly. “Don’t you have any plans?”

“…don’t know,” she mumbled, as if she hadn’t really listened to his question. “Maybe.”

Taemin bit his lip. He hated the silence that settled over them like a heavy blanket, weighing down on him like his worries had beforehand. Suddenly, he remembered the small present hidden in his schoolbag by his feet.

Of course, he had bought a little something for Key even though she had insisted she didn’t need anything. But when Taemin had seen a thin necklace with a key charm, he couldn’t resist.

He had wanted to give her something Key could wear all the time, no matter what gender she felt like, so a simple silver necklace seemed just right. The charm was, in all honesty, a bit cheesy, but if she didn’t like it, she could still hide it beneath her shirt – that was what Taemin had figured when he had bought the gift.

Most of all, he wanted to tell Key who she was to him by giving her the present – she was Key, sometimes Kibum, and Taemin had fully accepted it, even if he didn’t fully understand.

And now, his present was lying in his bag, just waiting to be given to its new owner – but suddenly, Taemin doubted Key would like it.

She didn’t look like she liked anything right now, just staring off into space without touching her food once. Taemin’s heart ached for her, but he didn’t dare break the oppressive silence, too scared of disturbing her with his words.

After half an hour of sitting at the table with Taemin, Key got up and left for her music lesson. Meanwhile, Taemin had an extended break which he normally would have spent dancing. Today, however, he just kept sitting in the cafeteria staring at the food Key had left, wondering how he could help her.

He ended up texting Jonghyun. As much as Taemin hated it, there was nothing he himself could do about Key’s state when she wasn’t talking to him. However, he figured her boyfriend would probably know what to do, so he opened up their chat and typed a short message.

Less than a minute later, Jonghyun responded by thanking him for his message.

“I’ll try to take care of it.”

Needless to say, Taemin didn’t expect to see Key another time that day, no matter how much he would have liked to. He sat through his lessons with a sour face, the same few thoughts going through his head all over again.

It was unfair that today seemed like such a bad day for Key. She deserved a break after studying diligently all the time while enduring her father’s presence at home.

Taemin realized how bad he actually was at helping Key. Just a while ago, Minho had told him about his good influence on her, but today proved that he couldn’t do anything. Maybe if he had tried a little harder, if he hadn’t let the silence get to him, he would have been able to cheer Key up or at least figure out what was wrong.

Yet here he was, bemoaning his situation when he had done nothing but texted her boyfriend.

By the time the lesson had ended, Taemin felt the most angry and frustrated he had in weeks. He didn’t have dance practice today so he got ready to go straight home to mope in his room, but when he checked his phone, he realized he had received another message from Jonghyun.

“Would you come over to my place after your lessons?” Taemin read to himself as he sped down the hallway. “Key would like to see you.”

The message left him a bit shocked, to say the least. After she had been so unresponsive earlier, Taemin hadn’t expected Key to interact with anyone but Jonghyun today. But here he was, taking the bus to Jonghyun’s home instead of his own because Key had asked to see him.

Taemin felt only the slightest bit nervous as he waited in the doorstep after ringing the bell. He had been here once before, after all, and the place didn’t hold any bad memories for him. The last time he had come here, Taemin had left believing everything would be alright for both him and Key, even if he had confessed to her and been rejected.

Of course, that had happened weeks before Jonghyun had been rushed the hospital and long before Taemin had become considerate towards the older.

But now that summer was almost over, Taemin felt like things had changed yet again. He was a stranger to neither Key nor Jonghyun and if he was truly honest with himself, he didn’t want to live without either of the two.

Sometimes, he felt a longing when he looked at the two, simply because they had each other and he couldn’t have anything, but there was no trace of jealousy in his heart. In the end, Taemin had made Jonghyun and Key’s relationship his top priority, and he had learned to ignore his own feelings because of that.

“You’re finally here, Taeminnie!” Jonghyun greeted him enthusiastically when he finally opened the door. “You can leave your shoes by the door. I know you’ve been here before, but I don’t think you remember where my room is. Or do you? Well, it’s just me and Key here, but we have lots of nice food.”

He kept rambling as he lead Taemin up the stairs, to the room where the younger had confessed to Key.

Nothing much had changed about Jonghyun’s room, Taemin realized as he stepped through the door after the older boy. A shelf was still blocking the view so that Taemin couldn’t see Jonghyun’s bed, and there were lots of scented candles lined up on the windowsill.

In the corner of the room stood two suitcases, a giant and a smaller one, which Taemin assumed were packed for Japan. As he properly looked around the room for the first time, he spotted things he hadn’t noticed before – the keyboard and the guitar case by the wall to his right, the desk which was covered in dozens of loose sheets and the pictures above Jonghyun’s nightstand, all of them depicting family members, friends or, most often, Jonghyun and Key.

Like the last time Taemin had been here, Key was lying curled up on the bed, though now she was resting on top of the covers, her eyes closed. When Taemin circled around the shelf, they fluttered open and their gazes met for a moment.

“Hi, noona,” Taemin shyly greeted.

Jonghyun, bold as he was, had climbed over Key’s body and was now sitting against the wall behind her, his hands running over her back and shoulders in a soothing manner. Taemin swallowed but didn’t turn away, as he didn’t want the other two to notice how uncomfortable their display of affection made him feel.

As Key was wearing a hood, it took Taemin a few moments to realize she was wearing a wig now. He had never seen her with this hair before, but he had to admit it looked very natural, not only because of its brown, almost ginger color but because of the way it framed Key’s face like real hair would.

“Your hair looks nice,” Taemin complimented, unsure if Key would appreciate his comment.

She didn’t smile, but at least she gave a tiny nod as her eyes closed again.

“Thanks. Thank you for coming.”

Jonghyun, who seemed to be in a good mood despite Key’s state, sent Taemin a warm smile meant to encourage him.

“Sit on the bed with us. It must be tiring to stand around all day.”

“Are you sure that’s okay?”

Taemin wearily eyed Jonghyun’s bed, which hardly looked big enough for fitting two grown persons. He wasn’t sure if he could handle sitting there, but Jonghyun just shook his head at him and laughed.

“You’ll fit just fine if Key moves her legs. C’mon, baby, scoot over.”

Taemin pretended he hadn’t heard the nickname. He hesitantly shuffled over to the bed, climbing on top after dusting off his pants for at least two minutes.

“Your tie isn’t straight, how come no one told you that?” Jonghyun immediately began to fuss over him. “There, now it’s better. I’m sorry you had to come straight from school, but we wanted to spend some time with you before you had to go home. Snacks?”

He pulled out a bag of chips from somewhere behind him and Taemin reached into it, humming in delight when he realized it was his favorite brand. For a while, Jonghyun and Taemin continued their light chatter with Key occasionally turning over to retrieve a handful of chips.

She didn’t talk much, but Taemin still felt like she was more comfortable here than she had been at school.

“Let’s order Jjajangmyeong and watch a movie later,” Jonghyun suggested, leaning forward to take Key’s hand into his own smaller one. “What do you think, hm?”

“I’m hungry,” Key replied.

Taemin immediately noticed that her speech was a lot clearer than it had been earlier today, which he thought was a good sign. It seemed that finally, Key was engaging in their conversation a bit more, even if she didn’t smile as much as usual.

Eventually, Jonghyun got up to order their food, leaving Taemin and Key alone on the bed. The younger hadn’t expected a conversation or anything along those lines, which was the reason he jumped upon hearing Key call his name all of a sudden.

“N-noona?” he asked, his eyes wide and curious.

“I’m glad that you’re here, Minnie.”

Key spoke slowly, maintaining eye contact with Taemin all the while. She was resting on her back now, her brown hair splayed out over Jonghyun’s pillow and her hands hidden in the paws of her sweater.

“I feel like I should explain a bit,” Key went on when Taemin said nothing, much too occupied letting his eyes wander over her as he listened. “I’m sorry if I came off as cold or anything.

“Today is just not a good day for me…not at all, if I’m being honest. You know that there’s times when I just can’t stand my body…I absolutely loathe the feeling of being stuck inside it when I don’t feel like it’s right for me.

“Right now, I really…I wish I was in a girl’s body.”

A little gasp escaped Taemin’s mouth, even though he knew he should have expected everything Key had just told him. Months ago, when she had first come out to him, she had mentioned hating her body sometimes – yet in all the time he had known her, Taemin had never heard her admit that she wanted to look and _be_ different.

Somewhere in his head, Taemin had always been aware that Key must sometimes feel like she had been born in the wrong body – but until today, he had never realized to what extent she was suffering.

“This,” Key sighed as she gestured at her bent legs, at her slim waist and everything in between, “isn’t me. Not today, at least. Today, it’s harder to ignore that wrong feeling. I’m sorry if I’m being cold towards you, or if I was earlier. It’s got nothing to do with you, honestly. Please don’t misunderstand.”

She swallowed audibly, her gaze lowering until she was staring at the wooden floor of Jonghyun’s room.

“It just sucks that I have to be so gloomy on my own birthday, huh? After all, this is supposed to be a happy day.”

Something inside Taemin’s chest clenched painfully as he reached for Key’s hand, which was dangling over the edge of the bed. For a moment, he hesitated, his skin only inches away from hers.

But then Taemin realized he had nothing to lose and before he knew it, his fingers were tenderly curling around Key’s, though his palms were much smaller than her hands.

“Don’t apologize for something like this,” he whispered, his words faint enough to get lost somewhere in their breathing. “I don’t want you to. Please, Key-noona, don’t ever apologize for being the way you are.”

Key didn’t answer. She didn’t move for quite a while; then she slowly raised her head and the smile she gifted Taemin was just the slightest bit watery and unsure. Yet it was a smile, one that looked genuine too, and Taemin immediately felt a bit lighter.

Jonghyun’s approaching footsteps on the wood announced his presence before his melodious voice did.

“Dinner will be here in about 30 minutes,” he said as he crawled over Key’s body, leaning closer to Taemin than he had before. “Baby, what do you think about watching a movie?”

“Romance,” came Key’s muffled reply and Jonghyun let out a hearty laugh as soon as he saw Taemin’s dreadful expression.

“Don’t laugh at me!” the younger protested, his lips forming a slight pout. “You have no right to! I know how you two are gonna end up if we really end up watching some cheesy romance movie – Key-noona already told me enough about your tendencies…”

“What tendencies?”

Quite professionally if he was allowed to say so, Taemin ignored Jonghyun’s puppy eyes and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“If you’re gonna cry, I’m leaving.”

In the end, they settled on watching romantic comedy – Key was contended because she would still get part of her original choice and Taemin was incredibly glad he wouldn’t have to deal with Jonghyun and Key crying at once.

One of them was already hard enough to take care of, and no one really knew how much more his weak heart could take.

The sun had already started setting when the doorbell rang, painting the room and the bed in soft colors. Jonghyun, whose stomach had started to produce violent growling noises a while ago, practically jumped up from the bed, racing to the front door while Taemin and Key followed a little bit more slowly.

It was only then that Taemin realized the house seemed to be empty if it hadn’t been for their presence; for a second, he debated whether he should ask about Jonghyun’s family’s whereabouts, but then he decided it didn’t really matter anyway.

What mattered were the two people that curled up next to him on the couch a few minutes later, a bowl of Jjajangmyeon resting on each of their laps and a whole feast set up on the small table in front of them.

Before they started eating, Jonghyun put on the movie they had decided on, and no one felt the need to talk for a while. The food was delicious and Taemin found himself finishing Key’s leftovers, but he didn’t bother with overthinking.

Bit by bit, they settled into more comfortable positions for movie-watching. Taemin couldn’t tell how it had happened later, but at the end of the evening, he found himself curled up against Key’s bony form, their hands lightly brushing against each other whenever one of them moved.

Jonghyun was wrapped around Key’s back, holding her close, and Taemin could tell by the sound of her calm breathing that his presence alone made her feel so much more grounded.

Whether it was because of how much time they had spent loving each other already or because Jonghyun had that effect on everyone, Taemin couldn’t tell. He didn’t know how his head had ended up resting on Key’s arm either, or why no one seemed to mind just how close they were to each other.

But his chest was filled with an inexplicable kind of warmth, something that Taemin could only describe as utter peace. And he realized he didn’t want to leave, ever, even if that meant seeing Key hurt like this every day and even if he knew better than to hope by now.

However, Taemin was still young, and every once in a while, he allowed himself to be a fool – especially if it was for Key and Jonghyun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> weirdly, i don't remember writing this chapter - at all. well, i briefly remembered what direction i originally wanted to take and how i changed it like halfway through bc it felt unrealistic and not genuine. but apart from that, there was nothing. no memories. so editing was quite a rollercoaster ride for me and i'm honestly surprised now, bc how could i forget taemin's words - 'please don't ever apologize for being the way you are.' i don't know why, but they kind of had an impact on me when i reread them. i feel like it's something a lot of people need to hear a lot more often.  
but on a more positive note, i'm totally here for jjong calling key petnames - are you too? i guess petnames are a guilty pleasure of mine bc it always warms my heart to hear kibum (or anyone) call jonghyun jjong. lol on twitter i also have a knack for emitting the last letters of names, meaning i'll talk abt kibu or kib or taemi or ming (kinda ) or jinks. i'm weird like that.  
i really, really hope that all of you are safe rn - in any way possible. i'm grateful for every single one of you who is reading my chapters. ily <333333 hope i'll see you next week!


	23. XXIII - Ready

It wasn’t until the day of the party that Taemin realized what he had gotten himself into. He had pushed the event to the back of his mind most of the time, too busy thinking about the next round of his dance competition, about his upcoming exams or the pictures Jonghyun had sent him all the way from Japan.

But when his mother asked him if he had plans for the weekend, he felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice-cold water on his head. Like a deer caught in the headlights, he stood in the middle of the hallway, staring at his mother and unable to move a muscle.

“So?”

She cocked up an eyebrow and Taemin spluttered, his cheeks turning red.

“I’m going to a p- an event with Key-noona. It’s tomorrow night.”

“Key, huh? You’ve been spending a lot of time with her lately.”

“With her and Jonghyun-hyung,” Taemin replied without thinking twice. “Sometimes we meet up on purpose, but we also ran into each other accidentally a few times. It’s always fun, though, I like it.”

“Is Jonghyun better, then? Wasn’t he the one who ended up at the hospital?”

In this moment, Taemin wanted nothing more than to disappear into a hole in the ground. He cursed his mother’s good memory, cursed himself for confiding in her that one night, but nothing could change the fact that she knew all too well who Jonghyun was, and maybe even how her son felt about him.

“H-he’s better, yeah,” Taemin coughed, quickly putting a hand in front of his mouth to hide his blushing face. “I mean, I don’t think he’ll ever be fine in the same way as I am, but he’s better compared to before… More honest, too. He speaks up if he’s feeling down.”

“That sounds good,” Taemin’s mother softly said.

Then she stepped a bit closer, one hand of hers reaching forward to touch Taemin’s arm ever so lightly.

“And what about you? Do you feel better?”

She must remember that fateful night just as well as he did, Taemin realized and he suddenly felt bad for getting embarrassed. In the end, his mother was only making sure he was alright because she cared for him.

After Taemin’s confession, she must have been worried too, scared that her son would get his heart broken in one way or another.

“I’m fine, eomma.”

For once, Taemin let himself lean into her touch a bit as he maintained eye contact.

“I’m looking forward to the event tomorrow.”

“Okay, have fun then. And don’t forget to do your homework.”

As soon as Taemin had reached his room upstairs, he threw himself at the bed and buried his face in the first pillow he saw. Tomorrow night, he was going on date with Key and he had no idea what to wear.

Taemin quickly realized that he neither knew where the party was nor when it would end or who would be there. Art students, Key had said, but Taemin didn’t know any people from university.

He just hoped Key would stick by his side tomorrow evening, even if that meant he would have to die a million deaths being so close to her.

In the end, Taemin was still panicked enough to call Key that same evening, frantically listing all the things and circumstances he wasn’t sure about.

When he had ended and was still catching his breath, he could hear Key’s chuckles through the phone.

“You’re overthinking, Taeminnie, aren’t you? Is this your first party?”

“It’s not,” Taemin, stubborn as he was, lied.

Once again, Key just laughed, but there was no venom behind her next words.

“So I’m really taking a party-virgin to the event I’ve been looking forward to for half a year.”

When Taemin huffed, she quickly corrected herself, “okay, I’ll take that back. And for your information, I haven’t been to many parties either. I’m usually too preoccupied with other stuff to even think about partying. Plus, neither of us is legal yet, and I’m not gonna break the law. I’m just gonna look great, receive a lot of compliments and talk to my favorite person.”

“And that would be…?”

Taemin was confused. He knew Jonghyun was in Japan, so who could Key be talking about.

“That’s right, it’s you. My sweet Taeminnie… I’m so glad you’re coming with me.”

Rationally, Taemin could tell she was teasing, but he still couldn’t stop his heart from missing a beat when she said his name.

“How are we even gonna get home after the party?” he attempted to change the topic to something better, something less embarrassing and dangerous for him.

“Oh that… I’m sure you can imagine why I wouldn’t really wanna go home right after the party. But I talked to Jinki-hyung and he told me we could crash at his place. He’ll be there too, but he has a lot of space since his roommate recently moved out.

“But if you’re uncomfortable staying there, we can figure something out. I can pay for your taxi.”

“It’s fine, noona. Let’s stay with hyung,” Taemin quickly told her, even though he should know better by now.

But he was weak, his heart was weak for Key, and he wanted her to enjoy tomorrow without having to worry about anything.

The two of them stayed on the phone for quite a while, figuring out what Taemin was going to wear. They finally agreed on some dark skinny jeans and a loose white flannel Key had promised him, claiming it would look fantastic on his frame.

That night, Taemin lay awake for a long time. Staring at the ceiling above him, he wondered what tomorrow would bring. If anything would change.

He felt anxious, confused and full of anticipation, but for once there was no guilt in his heart because he knew Jonghyun approved of this and he knew the older would want Taemin to take care of Key.

The next day came quicker than expected and a lot faster than Taemin could mentally prepare for it. Soon enough, he found himself on the way to the bus stop where he was supposed to meet Key.

Since she couldn’t get ready at home, they had agreed on going to Jinki’s flat downtown before the party. Taemin had stuffed his pants into his backpack along with his sleeping clothes and a few things he would need later that night. He knew Key would probably scold him for wrinkling his clothes, but at the moment he couldn’t care less.

He kept fiddling with his own fingers nervously as he stood at the stop near his house, waiting for the bus to arrive. It shortly did and Taemin, despite feeling kind of nauseous at the thought of greeting Key, got on, plastering a bright smile on his face.

“Taemin-ah, get over here!”

Key was sitting in the very back of the bus and immediately started waving excitedly as soon as Taemin entered, motioning for him to come over. And the younger did.

He carefully staggered all the way towards her, always afraid of falling. When he had finally reached her, a sigh of relief escaped him and he had to wipe his sweaty forehead with one of his sleeves.

Key was looking up at him with sparkly eyes, her grin almost mischievous. She was not wearing a wig and Taemin was unsure if it was because of her father or because she maybe wasn’t Key today. However, he soon received an answer to that question when Key greeted him.

“Just so you know, today is a kind of in the middle day! Meaning I don’t feel female exclusively, but I’ll go by Key today. I decided not to put on my wig, though – I’ll just go like this.”

Taemin, who had secretly been afraid of any awkwardness that could arise between the two of them, was glad that Key had been the first to start talking. After the last few days, he had been afraid of her being as depressed as she had been on her birthday, but today her mood seemed excellent.

“Are you gonna style your hair?” he asked as he slid into the seat beside her, taking off his backpack and putting it on his knees.

Key nodded.

“I thought about slicking it back. By the way, do you want to do me a favor tonight?”

“Aren’t I already doing you a favor by coming with you?” Taemin boldly asked, receiving a slap from her.

“Yah, don’t be rude! I was thinking that maybe I could do your make-up. I know you usually go without putting anything on, but since today’s a special occasion I figured it’d be nice to doll up a bit.”

“Make-up?”

Taemin couldn’t help hesitating for a bit. Admittedly, he had loved the eyeliner Key had put on him last time, but he wasn’t sure to what extent he was comfortable with wearing make-up. He had never really tried it before, always dismissed it as a girls’ thing, but if Key had taught him one thing it was that gender wasn’t as transparent as it first seemed and neither were the stereotypical gender roles.

“I won’t go overboard I promise,” Key said with her bottom lip jutted out a bit, “but I gotta make you look a little older, don’t I? They probably won’t let you in if you look like a student.”

“A-are they picky?”

Taemin hadn’t realized before that his age might become an issue tonight. Since Key had spoken about the event so easily, he had naturally assumed that they would be let in without a problem.

However, suddenly he was facing one of his old demons again, the one telling him that he could never be enough for Key anyway – he was just a little boy, after all.

“Well, technically, you’re supposed to be over 19 to get in,” Key explained, “but since I have tickets and I know Taeyeon-eonni, I doubt there’ll be an issue.”

She sent Taemin an encouraging smile, as if she could sense his discomfort.

“Don’t worry, Taem. We’ll definitely have fun tonight.”

____________________________________

An hour later, Taemin and Key were standing in front of the mirror in Jinki’s bathroom, a bag full of make-up lying open in front of them. When they had arrived, Jinki had given them a quick tour of the apartment and shown them where they would sleep.

“I know it isn’t much,” Taemin remembered him sheepishly say as he had pointed at the two mattresses spread out on the floor, “since it’s unfurnished, but I figured it would be enough for one night.”

Sleeping in the same room as Key shouldn’t have been an issue, since they had done so once before today, but Taemin still felt inexplicably nervous whenever he thought about tonight. Something about the fact that they were both sleeping on the floor, where one of them could easily roll over to touch the other, drove Taemin crazy.

Nonetheless, he tried to suppress any negative thoughts as he watched Key pick out a few products from the collection she had brought, placing them on the sink in a row before turning towards Taemin.

“I’ll do your make-up first and then my own, if that’s alright. Don’t move too much, okay?”

Both of them had put on their clothes beforehand, and Taemin had to admit Key had done a great job at tailoring her dress. She wasn’t wearing a bra today, but the fabric hugged her thin waist just at the right places, making her appear curvier and more elegant than usual.

Her long legs were nicely accentuated by the dress length as well, Taemin realized as he followed Key’s command of looking downwards. Right now, she was not wearing any shoes yet, but for some reason it didn’t bother Taemin a lot.

She looked more innocent that way, with her bare face and her dark eyes. Later, she would probably be a whole different person, but Taemin enjoyed seeing her like this – simple, unadorned by any accessories, yet still the most beautiful person he had ever met.

For a moment, he almost forgot how to breathe as it hit him again just how amazing Key was. After being in love with her for over half a year, admiring her had become so normal to Taemin that he hardly noticed anymore, which he thought was a shame.

If he could, he would always look at Key like it was his first time seeing her, and he would again and again choose to be mesmerized by her beauty, by her appearance and demeanor, by the way she talked and by her big heart.

There were a few faded bruises littered over her forearms, some trailing up towards her shoulder, but they didn’t make her less pretty in Taemin’s eyes – instead, they reminded him of what Key had to go through every day, and that tonight, it was his job to make her forget about the struggles she had to endure.

It was a big task, but for some reason, Taemin felt ready to take it on.

Getting his make-up done took longer than Taemin had first thought, mostly because Key worked on every last detail meticulously until she was finally satisfied.

“Fine, you’re good to go,” she spoke after an hour and Taemin huffed, his joints cracking as he stretched his back.

“Don’t smudge your eyeshadow,” Key called after him before she slammed the bathroom door shut, probably to have some privacy while styling her hair and doing her own make-up.

For a few moments, Taemin was unsure where to go. Even though he had been shown around the flat earlier, he wasn’t sure if it was okay for him to walk around as he pleased. He eventually decided to get a glass of water from the kitchen, but when he passed the living room he spotted Jinki sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee.

“Come join me, Taemin-ah,” the older gestured at him and Taemin did since he had nothing better to do.

He sat down at the other end of the sofa, making sure to keep a bit of distance between them. Taemin wasn’t close to Jinki – he had actually only seen him very few times – so he could only guess what the older man might want from him.

Jinki, who Taemin knew was quite an awkward soul, cleared his throat to break the silence.

“You look nice,” he complimented as he moved his head in the direction of Taemin’s eyeshadow. “Very…handsome.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

Taemin’s knees were pressed together tightly. He didn’t know what to say to Jinki, even if he wanted nothing more than to break the silence between them. At this point, he was sure he could cut the air with a knife because it was so full of tension.

One of Jinki’s hands rose up to his neck as he let out an awkward laugh.

“Ah, I’m sorry, Taemin-ah. This is weird, and it’s probably my fault.”

“Don’t worry about it, hyung. Thanks for letting us stay with you, by the way.”

“I couldn’t let Key get ready at her place,” Jinki said, his eyes suddenly serious. “It’s the least I can do, really.”

Taemin could hardly keep his mouth from opening in surprise. It was as if Jinki had become a completely different person within merely a few seconds. Before, the older had seemed like a clumsy child stuck in a grown up body, but now he was emitting an aura of authority and confidence unlike any Taemin had ever sensed before.

Both Jonghyun and Key could seem very sure of themselves at times, and Minho had the biggest ego of them all, but with Jinki everything was different. The second he had turned serious, he had been oozing responsibility and Taemin was suddenly aware of the time separating them from each other, all the years of experience and dealing with Key that Taemin simply didn’t have.

“You make a cute couple, by the way,” Jinki went on. “Key has been ranting to me for months about how excited she is for this party. I mean, it’s probably not going to be much different from all the other ones I’ve been to, but it means something to her.”

“Do you go to parties often, hyung?”

Taemin was aware of the fact that he sounded like a naïve child, but he couldn’t keep his own curiosity at bay.

At his question, a smile spread on Jinki’s face, one that immediately made him look much younger.

“Me? Not really, I’m a bit too awkward for those. I went to a few when I started studying but I’m actually just bragging. Even though I can hold my liquor very well…”

“Do you think we’re gonna get drunk tonight?”

Usually, Taemin didn’t spend much time thinking about parties and alcohol. He had better things to fill his head with, like dancing or a certain someone getting ready in the bathroom nearby.

However, his only objective tonight was making Key happy, and he couldn’t do that without blending into the crowd.

“I doubt Key’s gonna let you touch any drinks. In the end, you’re both underage and she’s far too responsible to get drunk just like that. I’m really proud of her, she has grown up very well in spite of everything…”

“You’ve known her for a long time, haven’t you?”

“Since birth I guess,” Jinki replied, his eyes slightly glazed over. “I even remember when her mother died. After that, we spent our childhood together. I’ve seen her in every state, at every age. I watched her fall in love with Hyun. I was the first person she came out to after him and his family.

“To me, Key is family and if I could, I would protect her from most of the things that come her way.”

After Jinki had finished, Taemin didn’t know what to see. He suddenly felt very small and insignificant compared to someone like Jinki, who had known Key her whole life, who had watched her fight for so long.

It used to be the same with Jonghyun, Taemin thought, but for some reason, he didn’t feel inferior to Key’s boyfriend anymore. Something had changed along the way, but Taemin didn’t know what, he didn’t know how it had happened.

All he knew was the thought of Jonghyun filled him with warmth these days, that instead of becoming insecure he felt encouraged when he thought about the older boy.

Jonghyun was one of the strongest people Taemin know, so how could he feel bad thinking of him?

“I’d protect her, too,” Taemin finally spoke after a long time, his voice hoarse. “I never want Key-noona to suffer in any way and if she has to, I want to be with her.”

“Good.”

Jinki’s lips had formed into a soft smile, one that Taemin couldn’t quite place. The older man looked almost mysterious like that, a weird glint in his eyes.

The next thing Jinki said to him only made Taemin feel even more confused.

“Don’t be scared tonight, Taemin-ah. I’ve noticed you sometimes like to keep your distance, but it’s okay to follow your heart as well. Do what you want to do. Think about yourself – just like you want Key to think about herself first, too.”

Unfortunately, Taemin didn’t get the chance to ponder on Jinki’s puzzling comment any more, as Key walked in right at that moment, immediately drawing eyes to her.

Even though he had expected no less, Taemin had to admit she looked stunning. Her eyes were lined by smudged charcoal that sharpened at the outer corners and she had put something on her lips that made them look vibrant and just the slightest bit wet at the same time.

Apart from that, Key was now walking on highheels, making her tower over Jinki and Taemin even more than she already did usually.

Jinki eyed her up and down once before giving her a sweet smile.

“You look great, Key-yah.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

Now Key turned to Taemin, her expectant gaze trained on him as if she was waiting for him to say something. When he stayed silent, she let out a quiet sigh, her shoulders deflating just the tiniest bit.

“What do you think, Min?”

“I- You look gorgeous…”

Taemin hated himself for being unable to find a stronger word, a word that could describe even remotely what Key made him feel right this instant. He could hear his heartbeat throb in his ears as he slowly pushed himself up from the couch, walking the few meters towards Key until they were only an arm-length away from each other.

“Really, noona, your look is stunning,” Taemin quietly repeated as he let his eyes wander over Key’s slicked back fringe.

He had never seen her expose her forehead before, but the hairstyle suited her; it made her seem all sharp-edged and confident. At this point, Taemin doubted there was anything Key couldn’t pull off.

After all, she was standing in front of him, tall as ever, with broad shoulders and thin legs – and yet she still looked graceful and light as she took a step towards him, and Taemin was almost afraid of breaking her when he gently grabbed her arm.

“I was right when I said I would have the most beautiful date at that party tonight,” Taemin managed to get out, his voice drowning out the rapid beating of his heart. And then, a lot more quietly, he said, “I hope you won’t regret taking me with you.”

Key didn’t say anything after that, but she kept looking at Taemin for a long time and her gaze seemed almost sad. It was almost as if she couldn’t believe he was doubting himself or his place by her side, but Taemin didn’t allow himself to think that.

Instead, he put on a bright smile and linked his and Key’s arms.

“I’m really excited for later, noona! I can’t wait!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo, jinki appeared again. i know i kinda did him dirty in this story with how small this role is, but i'm not a fan of keeping characters that have no real purpose. however, i think of 'his' scene (as in his talk with taemin) as a key moment - he's someone who knows key better than her own family, she even calls him hyung like jonghyun, and he watched her grow up. his advice to taemin is actually pretty helpful as well - it's kinda foreshadowing where things may be going soon :)  
but no more spoilers. i hope you had a great week! i acc hosted a digital event at work and it went well and afterwards i took a well-earned vacation day. also, i'm leaving my parents' place to go back to the office. i honestly feel a bit down bc of that, i'm scared of getting lonely, but my volleyball practice will be resumed and i'll see my family again in two weeks anyway, so it's okay.  
pls stay safe everyone! i hope to see you next week, as always!


	24. XXIV - Romance

The party turned out to simultaneously be one of the oddest and at the same time most impressive experiences Taemin had had so far. Jinki drove them there in his shabby car, the vehicle unable to match his fancy attire.

He had whipped out a suit for the party and upon Taemin’s questioning look, Key had whispered to him that there was a girl Jinki wanted to impress.

They arrived at the venue a few minutes later than planned, but there were still a few people outside who were chattering amongst each other and didn’t seem to be in a hurry, so Taemin figured they weren’t too late after all.

He once again realized just how inexperienced he was with parties of all kinds when he walked Key to the entrance like a gentleman, only for her to promptly do all the talking for him.

She seemed to know the guy who was checking their tickets because she sent him more than one dazzling smile and kept calling him by his first name.

Watching her made Taemin’s blood boil, but he gritted his teeth and vowed to keep it together for now. He had no right to be possessive of Key anyway.

As soon as they had made their way through the door, though, Taemin was too overwhelmed to think about that older guy anymore. They had entered a small hallway where all the other visitors seemed to have dumped their coats, but from here Taemin had the perfect view.

He could see the main room which had been decorated with fabrics, fake flowers and strange objects that didn’t match each other at all. However, the different parts of the scenery didn’t clash with each other.

Instead, they gave off an other-wordly aura and Taemin couldn’t help his own astonishment as Key led him through the room. Some song was playing, one that Taemin didn’t recognize, but the colorful lights and the almost transparent mist wafting all around him made him want to dance.

His limbs were itching to move, but he never let go of Key’s hand as he followed her to a small table made of old wooden pallets.

Soon enough, Taemin also spotted Taeyeon who was already sitting down with another girl. She got up and waved when she saw Key.

“Key, I’m so glad you made it!”

She pulled the taller into a hug before turning to Taemin to greet him with a huge smile.

“It’s nice to see you again, Taemin-ah. You look very handsome.”

For a moment, Taemin wasn’t sure if she was being serious or belittling him because of his age. However, he decided after a few moments that she had seemed genuine.

“Is that the dress you told me about?” Taeyeon asked after she had briefly introduced the girl next to her.

Key nodded, a proud little smile spreading on her face.

“That’s it. Took me many months, but I’m so glad I finally get to wear it.”

“It’s crazy that you made it yourself. It honestly looks like it was tailored by a professional, and it fits you so well.”

“Thank you, eonni.”

Key suddenly turned bashful, her gaze lowering to the ground. Without thinking too much, Taemin grabbed her hand and laced their fingers together. His palms were a bit sweaty and he could practically feel his heart beating in his throat, but the way Key squeezed his hand slightly made it all worth it.

“I’ve seen a lot of great dresses already,” Taeyeon continued as she leaned back in her seat, letting her gaze wander. “And half of the guests haven’t even arrived yet. You two have probably noticed already, but most of the students who organized this little party use it to display their artwork to their peers.

“Hence the weird décor – I think it’s quite charming, though. You won’t get to see something like this every day.”

“I really like it,” Taemin shyly mumbled, though he doubted anyone had heard him.

Suddenly, the girl next to Taeyeon got up and clapped her hands once.

“I’m getting drinks from the bar. What do you guys want?”

“Orange juice for me, please,” Key politely ordered. “I don’t really drink.”

Taemin decided to get the same and a few moments after, the two of them were left alone as Taeyeon had followed her friend to help her carry the drinks. Purely on instinct, Taemin turned towards Key to strike up a conversation, to make a comment about their surroundings,

However, he found her watching her surroundings with gleaming eyes and a fascinated expression on her face. She looked very young under the orange and pink lights, probably a little too young to be here, but Taemin really liked her look anyway.

He followed her gaze to a group of people standing at the other side of the room, their heads and bodies swaying to the beat ever so slightly. One of them was wearing the highest heels Taemin had ever seen while another one had put on a striped dress in yellow, white, black and violet.

From the corner of his eye, Taemin saw Key smile. He spent quite a while watching her like this. A part of him of course wanted to strike up a conversation with her, but he was just as contended looking at her and seeing her so relaxed.

It had been so long since he had last seen the tension leave Key’s body even for a bit.

Taemin soon discovered why Key had been so excited for this party. When more people started to arrive, a few of them went up to them, most often to compliment Key’s dress or her make-up.

With each nice word, Taemin watched Key’s smile grow brighter until she was positively beaming, her very own beacon of light in the middle of the room.

They soon got their drinks as well and as the party got started, the music became faster as well. Taemin’s legs kept twitching, but he forced himself to stay still for Key’s sake. If she wanted to sit quietly and look around, he would stay by her side for it.

So much time had passed since they had last spoken a word that Taemin almost flinched when Key suddenly leaned over to whisper, “do you wanna dance?”

Taemin’s heart was pounding wildly. He wanted nothing more than to dance, but at the same time he was afraid of dancing with Key. He had never done this before, never shared something as intimate as a dance with someone else if he wasn’t in the middle of a performance.

He had no idea what Key expected from him or if he could comply.

However, his heart proved to be stronger than his brain tonight.

“Anytime,” he replied with a grin that probably gave away how much he was suffering.

Key pulled him up by the hand, leading him through the small crowd that had formed to a spot where they had enough space to dance. She never let go of him as she started to move to the music, gently bending her body and succumbing to the rhythm.

Taemin found himself moving along, but his bones were stiff today. He couldn’t seem to dance as easily as usual and the feeling of being stuck frustrated him to no end.

When he thought Key wasn’t looking, he clenched his jaw as he tried to make his moves sharper, more accurate. Suddenly, there was another hand on his waist and his lips were far too close to Key’s neck.

He could see the goosebumps on her skin and the faint traces of bruised skin under the make-up she had put on.

“You’re being stiff,” Key whispered into Taemin’s ear and he was surprised to hear her giggle slightly. “Relax a bit. Don’t think too much. I’ll guide you.”

And she did guide him. As she held onto him tightly, Key forced Taemin to go along with her moves, to match the way her body shifted with each new tone. The music was getting drowned out by the rapid beating of Taemin’s heart, but he didn’t push Key away, he couldn’t let go of her.

He didn’t remember the last time they had been this close to each other, wondered if they had ever been before – apart from that one night when his whole world had fallen to pieces for the second time, when Key had kissed him because she wanted to.

Did she ever want to do it again afterwards?

The question popped up in Taemin’s mind without a warning and he had to shake his head to get rid of it like he was chasing away a nasty insect. Key was laughing again, her torso shaking slightly against Taemin’s chest, and the sensation made a little smile appear on his face.

“God, you’re such a mess, Minnie,” Key giggled, pulling away a bit to look down at Taemin.

She had tears in her eyes from laughing so much and her cheeks were glowing red. Taemin kind of wished he hadn’t seen her like this because suddenly he wanted to make Key his, he never wanted to let her go ever again.

Many weeks had passed since his feelings for her had last overwhelmed him like this and he was caught off guard, his eyes widening as he stared into Key’s laughing face.

“I’m so happy you’re here with me,” Key went on, raising her voice to drown the loud music with it. “I’m just so happy to here; I’m happy.”

“Are you drunk, noona?” Taemin asked as he ignored the lump that had formed in his throat at her words. “You act like you are.”

“Taemin!” Key hit his chest weakly. “How could you say something like that? Of course I am not, I am a responsible person.”

“Do I have to carry you to Jinki-hyung’s apartment later? Should I make friends with some of the people here so they’ll help me get you home?” Taemin continued to tease.

He could feel himself loosen up bit by bit and dancing was beginning to feel more natural again, like he had been born to do it with Key.

“You’re so mean to me! I’ll tell Jjongie when he gets home and he’ll whip your ass. Just watch me!”

“Actually, hyung will agree with me,” Taemin countered, causing Key to pout.

“Why do I feel like you two are plotting something against me? Can’t I even trust my loved ones anymore? I swear, one day you two are gonna run away together and I’ll be left all lonely and sad.”

“You’d still have Minho, though. You two can be hopeless lonely souls together!”

“Don’t ever let him hear that!”

Key winked at Taemin, causing his heart to skip a beat. Both of them were a bit out of breath by now, since they had been attempting to talk and dance at the same time, but they were laughing and everything was fine.

When a new song came on, Key became really excited, waving one of her hands in front of Taemin’s face as she exclaimed over and over again, “I love this song! Let’s dance, please let us dance.”

So they did. They danced together, Taemin’s hand in Key’s, their bodies brushing against each other all the time, but neither of them minded. For now, only the two of them mattered, and no force in the world could separate them.

_____________________________________________

Countless hours later, Taemin stumbled through the front door of Jinki’s apartment after Key, kicking off his shoes before throwing himself at the mattress he would spend the night on. Key, who had taken a bit longer than him, followed soon after, gasping and giggling as she tried to catch her breath.

“They voted two girls for couple of the night, can you believe that?” she shouted for the fifth time that night and hadn’t he been so high on adrenaline, Taemin would have shushed her.

But because dancing with Key had made him drunk, he just smiled like an idiot.

“It’s wonderful, noona. They were very cute. Not as cute as you, though.”

Key didn’t even seem to acknowledge the compliment. Instead, she rolled over so that she was lying right next to Taemin, turning her head to face him.

“It may not seem like much, but stuff like that really amazes me,” she admitted in a more serious tone. “It gives me hope that one day, I might be able to call myself what I want, to dress the way I want, and people might just accept it. I’m not even asking for more; if they just ignored it and moved on with their lives, I’d be just fine.”

“I know you would, noona,” Taemin told her. “And it’s not a big thing to ask.”

“Sometimes I ask myself if it is, though. Am I too demanding? Can I not express myself the way I want to without being judged by others? Or is the whole thing too complicated?”

“It’s not, not at all. I mean, I don’t really understand you or what you’re going through, but it’s easy for me to accept you’re different from me. There’s not much behind it, and I doubt that it’s different for everyone else.”

“You’re sweet, Min.”

Key smiled, but there was a tinge of sadness in her voice as she said, “sometimes I ask myself if I should just stop. It’s hard to keep doing what I’m doing. Most of the time, it leaves me absolutely exhausted. And then I wonder if it’s really worth it. Maybe if I stopped changing my pronouns all the time, I’d be suffering less.”

“But would you really?”

Taemin had sat up, his face now hovering above Key’s. He was looking right into her eyes, trying to detect any of the confidence she had shown earlier that night, but he only saw insecurity and sadness.

Key thought for a moment. She gnawed at her lip, taking her flesh between her teeth and letting go, over and over again.

“That’s a good question. Would I suffer less? You know that I can’t change how I feel. I can’t change that I’m not able to make up my mind, that my gender has been fluctuating for years.

“Using different pronouns doesn’t change a lot either. Neither does wearing a wig most of the time. There are days on which I feel grossed out by myself, where I can’t even bear going to the bathroom because it just feels so wrong.

“And there are also days – girl days – where I can keep my hair as it is, where I am Key and I still feel right. As you can guess, I’m in a lot of distress during bad days. This whole gender thing and the question who I am have brought me so much sorrow, but I can’t change that.

“However, when someone calls me by the right name, when they use the right pronouns, I realize they see me the same way I see myself. They see the real me and that is worth so much.

“I guess that is why I keep doing all that stuff that burdens me, like wearing wigs and changing pronouns. It’s enough that some people out there see me the way I am – even if it’s only you and Jonghyun.

“Of course I hope for a future where I can be who I want to be without any worries, but for now I’m okay with what I have. It’s more than enough, really.”

“Can I ask you a question, noona?” Taemin timidly piped up after a few seconds of silence.

Key looked up at him, her eyes wide.

“Sure.”

“How did Jonghyun-hyung react when you told him about your gender? You never told me that before.”

“Jonghyun-hyung’s reaction…”

As Taemin slowly lay back down, Key’s eyes slipped shut. It was obvious she was in deep thought, probably recalling the day she had appeared on Jonghyun’s doorstep with a shaved head and a heartbreaking story to tell.

“I told you about my breakdown, didn’t I? That day I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin – it was the worst I had experienced yet. I was going crazy, so I figured if I changed something about my appearance I could make myself feel better. It didn’t really work, but I’m glad that I only ended up shaving my head. You know there are people who do things to themselves that are a lot worse.”

Taemin couldn’t suppress a shiver at Key’s cryptic comment. After she had come out to him, he had read a lot online in hopes of understanding her better and among definitions and discussions he had found tales that were too cruel, too horrible to think about.

“So where was I? I had shaved my head, the bathroom was a mess and I still just wanted out of my body. I ran out of the house, it was already dark outside – and I didn’t know where else to go, so I walked all the way to Jjong’s house. We were already very close then, even if we hadn’t confessed to each other – we were still children after all.

“I think I was really lucky that he was the one opening the door for me. The second I saw him I broke down completely. I’d been going through so much back then and it was all so confusing to me, coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t cisgender but at the same time denying it half of the time.

“I kept lying to myself for so long that I found it really hard to tell Jonghyun just the tiniest bit of my story. But you know, he still managed to get it out of me after a lot of sobbing – he’s Jonghyun after all. I came out to him. I told him I didn’t feel like a boy, that I hated my body and that I wished I’d never been born at all.”

Key trailed off, her eyes still closed, and though she seemed relaxed, Taemin could see the slightest hint of a frown on her face. Seconds later, she went on in a much lower and softer voice so that it almost felt like she was sharing a secret.

“Of course, I wasn’t thinking straight that night. Jjong was really surprised too. I don’t think he had ever heard of non-binary people before that, but he kept asking about it in that gentle voice of his and I told him everything I knew.

“At that point, I just wanted to get everything off my chest. I felt a lot better afterwards. In fact, I felt so good that I thought maybe it was okay for me to be honest with the people around me. Obviously, I was wrong...”

Taemin tensed when he felt Key’s hand move next to him. She was grasping the blanket beneath their bodies tightly, her slender fingers digging into the fabric like she wanted to destroy it with her bare hands.

“…but we aren’t talking about that.”

Her voice cracked at the end, but Taemin didn’t dare make a comment about it. He turned over ever so slightly until he was almost facing Key, listening to her breathe in and out slowly a few times before her eyes suddenly snapped open.

“Jjong is the most open and accepting person I know. Even if he didn’t know what I was talking about that night, he took me as I was, took me into his arms and told me everything would be okay.

“And that meant so much coming from someone who had been experiencing his first bouts of depression at that time. I am very grateful for Jjong, and that night he pulled me out of the water and kept me from drowning, as dumb as that sounds.”

“So hyung had a much better reaction than I did…”

Taemin couldn’t completely keep the bitterness out of his voice. By now he had come to terms with the fact that he had made a lot of mistakes when he had first gotten to know Key, but that didn’t stop the guilt from hitting him like a punch to the gut.

For a moment, he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t take in the oxygen his lungs desperately needed. Instinctively, Taemin squeezed his eyes shut and concentrated on inhaling ever so slowly. When he opened them again, Key was watching him with a thoughtful look on her pale face.

“He did,” she quietly confirmed and for a second, Taemin was afraid she would start to scold him.

“But Jonghyun is Jonghyun and you are you,” she went on without tearing her gaze away. “Maybe you aren’t as empathetic as him, but you were willing to learn when I explained it to you. There are too many people out there refusing to do that, to even listen to what I have to say.

“And ever since then, I haven’t been hurt by you a single time, but there have been many days and nights where I felt so grateful to have you that I can’t even put it into words. When I thought that Jonghyun was dying, I called you because I knew you would keep me alive.”

Taemin ran his hands up and down his arms, trying to get rid of the goosebumps covering his skin.

“Let’s talk about something else, please.”

Right now, he didn’t feel ready to think about the past months. Key’s words had filled him with a weird kind of happiness that he didn’t want to let go of yet.

“Okay.”

A small smile spread on Key’s lips as she turned over again to lie on her back, her eyes fixated on the white ceiling above them.

“Jonghyun-hyung and I have been talking a lot more honestly since he started seeing a therapist. We’re really trying to share what is bothering us instead of keeping it to ourselves.”

Remembering the day Key had approached him at Minho’s game to tell him about Jonghyun’s resolution, Taemin gave a slight nod.

“And is it working? Do you feel better now?”

“I really think it was a good idea,” Key said. “It’s changed our relationship quite a bit, but for the better I think. Do you wanna know what the first thing Jjong told me was?”

She glanced aside briefly and there was a strange glint in her eyes, almost as if she knew something Taemin didn’t. The younger boy hummed to signal her that he wanted to hear her story, so Key took a deep breath and began.

“He told me he had been questioning our relationship for a year. Crazy, right?”

“B-but you’re in love, aren’t you? I- You-”

Taemin was so shocked that he had a hard time finding the right words. He was grasping at sentence fragments that were floating around in his head, but in the end the only thing that escaped his mouth was incoherent stuttering.

Weirdly enough, Key chuckled at his reaction. Her eyes had slipped closed at some point and she looked far too relaxed for someone who was currently in a dysfunctional romantic relationship.

“N-noona?” Taemin stammered.

His heart was beating too fast again. The news Key had just shared didn’t even affect him, yet somehow it felt like his whole world was about to crumble, like the roof would come crashing down on top of him and bury him alive yet again.

“I was a bit shocked as well, but he explained it to me,” Key finally said after a few agonizing moments of silence.

Taemin, who had unconsciously held his breath, let out a deep sigh, biting his lip to keep more noises from escaping his mouth as soon as Key opened her mouth again.

“What Jonghyun meant wasn’t that he didn’t love me anymore. He told me about a thousand times that he was still in love with me, and I believe him. But the thing is, as his mental health got worse over the years, he started to feel burdened by our relationship.

“He was the person I relied on the most to help me through my daily struggles, but he felt like he wasn’t able to give me what I needed. On the other hand, he also felt like he was a burden to me. He said it was unfair that I had to deal with him, with his depression and all of his other issues, because it was too much for a single person to handle.”

“B-but what…”

“Shhh, let me finish,” Key cut him off with a gentle shush. “What Jonghyun told me in the end was that he was poly. And I told him I would like to try it with him.”

“Poly…”

The word rested heavily on Taemin’s tongue. He wasn’t sure what it meant, but Key’s calm, soft voice told him enough. Suddenly, he felt very weak, and he was sure that if he were to stand up right now, his legs wouldn’t carry him.

“What does that mean…?”

His voice was less than the smallest whisper, so much fainter than the sound of the cars rushing by outside Jinki’s apartment.

“Don’t you know?”

Key slowly sat up, her eyes open and clearer than they had been all night. She was very close to Taemin, but he didn’t even realize it as he stared at her, open-mouthed and wide-eyed.

“It’s when someone wants to be with multiple persons at the same time. I think it can be sexual or romantic, but for Jonghyun and me, it means that we want to let another person into our relationship.

“We want to be able to support each other, but without placing all of our worries and burdens on just one person. In an ideal world, we want to find someone who can love both of us and who we can love, too…”

She trailed of, a thousand words still left unsaid, yet Taemin had heard enough. Unbeknownst to him, a small smile was gracing his face now and even though he still felt a bit dizzy from the shock he had suffered, he was contended.

“What… What do you think?”

Key’s quiet question made her sound small and uncertain, though she had no reason to be.

“It sounds very nice,” Taemin told her as he closed his eyes. “It’s a good idea if it helps Jonghyun-hyung feel less burdened.”

“I’m glad. I really am.”

Key was sitting so close to him that Taemin could sense the heat her body was emitting; he could hear her breathing, could almost feel the air hit his skin. It would be so easy for her to kiss him now, Taemin realized, but the thought was quickly dismissed again.

This time, he didn’t feel guilty, though. For the first time in ages, he could think about Key without being scared that he was taking her from Jonghyun and hurting the both of them.

“We should sleep, Taemin-ah,” Key told him and Taemin could hear her lie down next to him, still clad in her dress and wearing smudged make-up. “It’s getting late.”

“I had a lot of fun tonight,” Taemin whispered into the silence that had settled over them a few moments later. “Sleep well, noona.”

“You too, Minnie.”

They went to sleep lying right next to each other on their thin mattress, their bodies never touching. But that night, Taemin drifted to sleep feeling at home, like he had found someplace to belong after a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! i posted a long chapter today to make up for the fact that i didn't update last week.  
i had quite a stressful day, but i rlly wanted to get this out to all of you. when proofreading i was reminded that i've been wanting to write down my favorite moments and quotes from this story so i can keep them in when i rewrite the whole thing. this chapter contains one of my favorite moments, even though it's a bit sad and brings back some memories. i'm talking about when key says to taemin, "when i thought jonghyun was dying, i called you because i knew you'd keep me alive". i don't coherently remember writing that sentence, but it feels very genuine and raw to me (even if it may be a bit cheesy). are there any moments that you wouldn't want to miss in this story? i'm just curious ~.~  
also, i'm not quite sure if i already wrote about this on here, but two of my short stories are getting published! i'm really excited, especially about one of them because there was quite some competition (136 entries and 52 were taken), and i still made it even though my stories are always p long and i'm only 19. a friend of mine also sent in her text and was accepted too. so that gives me some hope regarding my (formerly non-existence) career as a writer.  
i hope you're all doing well. i recently realized just how much stress and pressure the pandemic is putting on all of us and i hope you're dealing well with all the negative feelings. i hope that i will see all of you next week! take care of yourselves till then and always!  
and, i almost forgot - kibum is back in 100 days!!!!! we're getting him back soon.


	25. XXV - Falling

It didn’t take a lot to figure out what Key’s revelation meant for Taemin. The first changes happened right after Jonghyun returned from Japan, but Taemin hardly noticed at first because they really weren’t changes at all.

Jonghyun and Key both treated him just like they had before the party and it was only after some time had passed that Taemin realized they were including him into their relationship. The thought left him happier than he had been in months.

When he had first met her, Taemin had fallen for Key within seconds. Unable to do anything about the affection he felt, he had pined after her, had wished she was his. Falling for Key had been a rollercoaster ride with all its ups and downs and sometimes, Taemin still couldn’t handle the way Key made him feel.

Funnily, falling for Jonghyun was quite the opposite. It happened slowly and quietly, had probably been going on for months without Taemin ever noticing, and each day, Taemin began to love Jonghyun a little more.

He didn’t know when their hangouts had become dates, but soon visiting Jonghyun at work became a regular occurrence. Taemin would stop by in the middle of the older boy’s shift and they would walk the dogs together.

Ten days after Key had revealed his tendencies, Jonghyun grabbed Taemin’s hand while they were walking. It was quite hard to hold three leashes in one palm, but Taemin didn’t want to untwine their fingers so he tried anyway.

However, the dogs weren’t as cooperative as he wanted them to be and soon enough, one was dragging him along with surprising force while another one was lagging behind, causing Taemin to be pulled left and right like a ragdoll.

“Maybe we should swap,” Jonghyun laughed as he watched Taemin desperately trying to avoid getting tangled up in the leashes.

The older boy pointed at his own dogs, who were all behaving of course.

“I told you you shouldn’t have taken the troublemakers.”

“But they looked at me like this.”

Taemin pouted as he flashed his best puppy eyes at Jonghyun, making the older giggle even more. Their moment of newfound peace was over all too soon, though, when one of Taemin’s dogs spotted a squirrel a hundred meters away and started barking excitedly.

“Hyung, help!” Taemin whimpered as he tried not to get pulled along.

His palm had become so sweaty that he could barely hold on to Jonghyun’s hand anymore, yet the older didn’t seem to mind. He observed the scene for a few more moments before finally showing Taemin some mercy and taking one of the leashes from him.

“Come here!” he shouted at the puppy who was still trying to chase the squirrel. “Do you want a treat?”

At the sound of Jonghyun’s voice, the dog immediately halted, wagging its tail. Taemin couldn’t help pouting when it ran back to them seconds after, sitting down on the floor like it had never ran off.

“Here you go, good girl,” Jonghyun praised as he fed the dog a treat.

He then proceeded to pet its head, gently caressing its ears and neck in a way that made Taemin just the slightest bit jealous.

“I’m exhausted, hyung,” he whined to shift Jonghyun’s attention back to him. “Let’s take a break.”

“Fine, but only five minutes. Otherwise, my boss will get mad if I take too long on our walk and you won’t be allowed to visit anymore.”

“But hyung, your boss loves you. He wouldn’t fire you over something like that!”

Taemin was speaking the truth. On the day of his job interview, Jonghyun had been a nervous wreck. Even if Taemin hadn’t witnessed it with his own eyes, Key had told him enough for a clear picture to form in his head.

However, it seemed that the second Jonghyun stepped into the animal shelter, his boss knew he was made for job. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that Jonghyun had gone straight to one of the cages to pet one of the oldest dogs at the shelter.

Ever since then, he had been the owner’s favorite part-time worker, and that, Taemin had been able to witness with his own two eyes.

“Shhh, don’t say that too loudly,” Jonghyun chastised. “If my co-workers hear, they’ll get upset. My boss is not supposed to have favorites.”

“But everyone has favorites. Even you, since I’m definitely your favorite dongsaeng.”

Taemin sent Jonghyun a cheeky little grin, to which the older broke into a smile of his own. The crinkles of his eyes formed perfect crescents as he let out a hearty laugh.

“You’re so bold, Taem. Have you forgotten about Bum? She’s technically my dongsaeng too.”

“But you’ve known her for so long and I’m new and exciting!”

“That’s true…” Jonghyun mused. “I guess you’re right, after all.”

Silence settled over them for a while. Taemin used that time to let his eyes wander and rest after looking at the tiny letters in his schoolbooks all day. His gaze found Jonghyun’s hand, which was resting on the cold bench. Taemin’s own fingers were only inches away and suddenly, he couldn’t stop thinking about the way he had felt holding Jonghyun’s hand earlier.

The older boy’s palms looked warm and soft and Taemin knew they were exactly that. It would be so easy, so incredibly easy to reach over, to close the distance between their fingers.

Ever so slowly, Taemin’s hand crept closer until not even a sheet of paper would have fit between them.

He took a deep breath.

“If it helps, you’re my favorite hyung too.”

Jonghyun didn’t pull back when Taemin’s palm came to rest on top of his. Instead, he let out a melodious chuckle.

“Is that so? What about Key?” he asked, his right eyebrow raised skeptically.

“Key-noona doesn’t count as a hyung. But now that I think about it, she’s my favorite human.”

“Hey!”

The jab in the ribs Taemin received from Jonghyun was surprisingly painful. A bit shocked, he stared at the older, surprised that this much strength could be stored in such a small body.

Jonghyun seemed to notice that he had gone a bit overboard, his eyes widenening.

“Did I hurt you? Sorry, I really didn’t mean to. I’ve started to work out again and sometimes, I really don’t know how much strength to use anymore.”

“You’re working out?”

An interesting piece of information, Taemin thought. He had known that Jonghyun used to be quite buff despite his small statue, had seen it in many of Key’s pictures, and he really liked the thought of Jonghyun bulking up a bit.

Not only did he appreciate the physical changes Jonghyun’s exercise brought, but he also felt like it was a sign – a sign that Key’s boyfriend was really doing better.

“Have you written anything recently?” Taemin abruptly changed the topic.

He often found himself missing his music sessions with Jonghyun and maybe, just maybe, if the older wanted to, they could still meet up. Taemin would gladly practice piano again if it meant he got to hear Jonghyun sing.

“Actually, I’ve been inspired, but I still didn’t get a lot done,” Jonghyun explained. “I used to write most of my stuff at night when I couldn’t sleep, but since I’m on medication now, I spend a lot more time being asleep. I know it’s a good sign and I love not being tired anymore, but I really forgot how time-consuming sleeping is.”

“It’s nice that you can fall asleep now, though,” Taemin shyly confessed, his hand still resting on top of Jonghyun’s. “It’s nice to see your face with dark eyebags. It’s nice to see you this energetic.”

“Yah, I looked marvelous before!” Jonghyun immediately protested, though his eyes didn’t show a trace of actual anger. “You’re such a brat, honestly. I think we should leave.”

Like a pissed off diva, he went to get up and for a moment, Taemin was scared Jonghyun would pull his hand out of his grasp. However, Key’s boyfriend laced their fingers together instead like it was the most natural thing.

It felt like something they did every day, and the thought made Taemin smile.

This time, Jonghyun handed him the leash of his dog while he took the other two, not caring that the two puppies were bouncing up and down excitedly next to him.

At the end of the afternoon, Taemin shamefully had to admit Jonghyun was a lot better at handling dogs than he was, despite the practice he had gotten as a child. The end of Jonghyun’s shift was nearing and the two of them were sitting on the floor, each with a lapful of dog.

Jonghyun was petting the old, sick one he had met on his first day while Taemin had chosen one of the shyer puppies at the shelter. It was currently asleep on his lap, lulled to sleep by Taemin’s gentle petting.

Jonghyun may be better at handling dogs overall, Taemin thought, but he definitely wasn’t bad.

“Should I start paying Taemin-ah, too?” the owner jokingly asked when he entered the shelter to take over work there. “I see you here more often than some of my actual workers.”

“Don’t even consider it, uncle!” Jonghyun retorted. “He only feeds our puppies too many treats and complains when they don’t listen.”

“But since they look so contented, I’m sure I can let that slide.”

The owner nodded at the dog in Taemin’s lap before sending the two boys on the floor a knowing smile.

“I’ll leave you to yourselves for the last few minutes. Got some paperwork to do in the back room. You know you’re always free to stay longer than your actual shift, Jonghyun-ah. I think some of our cats have been missing you.”

“And I can’t let that happen, can I?” Jonghyun winked at Taemin. “Let’s go see the kitties! Are you down?”

And even though Taemin knew he had a ton of homework left to complete as well as a dance routine to learn, he nodded eagerly to please his favorite hyung.

“Always, hyung!”

__________________________________________

A few weeks later, Taemin found himself on a walk with Jonghyun once again. Today, they had only taken one dog with them, a small dachshund with brown fur and a pretty grey pattern on her back.

Jonghyun technically wasn’t working today, but he had volunteered to help out as his co-workers were more than busy at the shelter.

“We’ve taken in so many animals in the last few weeks,” Jonghyun sighed deeply as they strolled through the park near his workplace, the little dachshund comfortably keeping up with their slow pace.

Today, Taemin’s hands were buried in the pockets of his jackets, yet his fingers were still freezing. At the back of his mind, he was sure they would be a lot warmer if he was holding Jonghyun’s hand again, but somehow, he was too shy to initiate anything now.

They hadn’t held hands again after their chaotic walk a while ago, even though it had felt so natural to Taemin. Maybe he had been misreading the signs, he mused as he quietly walked beside Jonghyun. Maybe he had misunderstood.

What if Kibum had meant something else when he had told him Jonghyun was polyamorous? Yet every time the three of them were together, it felt like Jonghyun and Kibum treated Taemin the way they treated each other.

Their relationship felt equal, yet Taemin still wasn’t sure if they really were.

On the other hand, he had hugged both Jonghyun and Kibum plenty of times since the party and at times, it felt like their embraces lingered on a little longer than they should have.

“I don’t get why people would do something like that,” Jonghyun meanwhile kept talking, his voice tinged with a deep sadness. “If you buy a pet, you’re responsible for it. These dogs and cats and even rabbits and turtles aren’t to blame if you can’t find the time to care for them properly.

“I hate how many people think it’s okay to abandon their pet just like that. All the animals at the shelter deserve a loving owner that feeds them regularly and gives them the tiniest bit love each day, but instead they get cramped cages when they’re supposed to roam freely, and a few pets a day if they are lucky…”

He trailed off and Taemin’s heart constricted painfully inside his chest at the look in Jonghyun’s eyes. It had been a while since he had seen the older so sad, but the sight never failed to make his chest clench.

“Hyung…” he tried to comfort the older, but Jonghyun slowly shook his head.

“No. I know I shouldn’t let something like this drag me down as much, yet every morning when I go into work it just hits me…that I can only do so much for all these pets. No matter how hard I try…”

“I know it’s not fair, hyung,” Taemin sighed, trying to ignore the sad puppy-eyed look Jonghyun was giving him. “But don’t you think you’re already doing your best at caring for them?”

“But what does my best matter if I can’t help them?”

“It helps a lot!” Taemin protested.

He was getting riled up from listening to Jonghyun, not because he didn’t understand his points but because his reasoning was still almost exclusively negative.

Taemin briefly wondered if he would ever get to know a side of Jonghyun that wasn’t in the least influenced by dark thoughts. It seemed like a utopian idea, but Taemin liked it nonetheless.

“It helps a lot,” he repeated without giving Jonghyun the chance to interrupt. “Think about it differently. What would happen if every single person working at a shelter thought like that? Even more animals would suffer, wouldn’t they?

“And it’s the same for people. Of course you can get upset over the fact that you won’t possibly be able to help every single person who is suffering, but you can also focus on doing as much as you can for the ones you are able to reach.

“I think that’s worth a lot, too. And I’ve also seen how well you treat the animals at the shelter. All the dogs love you even if you’ve barely been working there for a month and there’s a reason why your owner is so fond of you.

“Plus, you’ve been working many hours overtime without getting paid for it, just because you enjoy spending time with the pets. What you’re doing is more than enough, hyung, and it’s really sad that you can’t see it.”

Jonghyun stayed silent after that. He and Taemin walked side by side, their arms dangling only a few inches away from each other. Unbeknownst to the two of them, their steps had matched up, which Taemin only noticed now.

“I think you may be right,” Jonghyun spoke after a long time, wrapping the dog leash around his hand one more time and bringing the dachshund closer to him.

Without a warning, he stopped walking and when Taemin’s head whipped around, the older had knelt down on the dirt, his fingers caressing the fur behind the dog’s ears.

“Sometimes I just get overwhelmed by how many of them there are,” he said with a curt nod towards the puppy. “I already told you once why I like dogs so much. It pains me that they help my mental state so much but I can’t help them.

“Plus, I tend to think very negatively at times, but you know that already.”

“It’s okay, hyung.”

Taemin sent Jonghyun a smile that was small yet full of warmth.

“That’s why I’m here now – to remind you there’s other ways to think, too.”

“But doesn’t it bug you? Hanging around me all day must be depressing after a while.”

“I like you the way you are, believe me. No matter if you’re gloomy, or giving good advice to me, or even when you’re dissing me. Even then, I’m glad I know you.”

“Wow,” Jonghyun breathed, his voice low.

He was looking up at Taemin, mouth agape and his eyes bright and burning with a fire the younger had never seen before. It was quite a peculiar sight, which proceeded to get weirder when Jonghyun got up from his crouching position, leaving the distance between them behind with two confident strides.

Standing up at his full height, he was slightly smaller than Taemin, but he seemed so determined that the younger couldn’t help feeling intimidated.

However, nothing in the world could have prepared Taemin for the thing Jonghyun would say next.

“I really want to kiss you right now, Taemin. Can I do that?”

“I-“

Now it was Taemin’s jaw that dropped as he stared at the older boy, completely baffled. A shy smile tugged at the corners of Jonghyun’s mouth until he broke into a lopsided grin, complete with twitching brows and a slight blush coating his cheeks.

“You heard what I said. I wondered if it was okay for me to kiss you now.”

Another moment passed, but this time, instead of answering, Taemin just stepped forward, his eyes closing naturally. He let Jonghyun figure out the rest.

For the five seconds their kiss lasted, it didn’t matter that they were in the middle of a park with a dachshund trying to pull Jonghyun away from Taemin, that they were two men kissing in a country where homosexuality was as much of a taboo as Kibum’s gender identity.

For these five seconds, Taemin didn’t allow himself to think about anything but the fact that he was kissing Jonghyun.

It felt much nicer than the kiss he had shared with Key in the rain. How could it not, though? This time Taemin wasn’t frozen to the bone, no one was crying, no one had been hurt.

Just like his voice, Jonghyun was gentle and careful with Taemin.

“Was that okay?” was the first thing he asked after they had pulled away, a little breathless not only from kissing but from the realization that something had finally changed.

“I-It was great, hyung!” Taemin mumbled, suddenly feeling very shy. “I think it’s the best…kiss I’ve ever had – not that I’ve had a lot, though…”

“Well, I was granted a few years of practice,” Jonghyun smiled cheekily.

“You mean Kibum-hyung had to suffer instead of me? I like that concept.”

Just like that, the two of them went back to how they were before the kiss and before Jonghyun had become sad – chattering and laughing at each other’s remarks, throwing logs for their dog and feeding it a few too many treats.

That afternoon, Jonghyun treated Taemin to icecream even though it was almost winter and they laughed until their stomachs hurt. At the end of the day, Jonghyun asked Taemin if he wanted to do something like that again and the younger had started nodding before Jonghyun could even finish his sentence.

“Of course, hyung. Anytime!”

Finally, something had changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :))))))))) so, how was it?  
i'm very sorry for vanishing for two weeks, but i figured after that long without an update, you at least deserved some action. thus, i present to you: the jongtae kiss.  
i rlly love these little scenes between taemin and jjong bc they perfectly highlight the differences between taemin's relationship with key and with jjong. and idk, i just love the idea of a soft kiss like that.  
there aren't that many chapters left but i can assure you, two (maybe three) major things have yet to happen. i hope you'll stick around till the end and bear with my sporadic updates - i'll try to be better.  
and, before i forget, happy taemin day! today one year ago, i visited the sm coex artium (i was lucky to be there before it closed) and got to see jjong's selene 6.23 notes, the good evening outfits, abt any shinee prop you can imagine and a lot more. i also learned (on his bday) that taemin has smaller hands than me, and mine are tiny. so yea, i can personally confirm taemin is the male idol w the smallest hands (smaller than jimin, felix, jisung, minho, chan, jonghyun and anyone else i tested), if anyone wanted to know that. i am rlly reminiscing my time in seoul rn, but at least i have plans to go back in 2022. and my past year has been very taemin-filled, i even got to see him live (still haven't realized). i wish him all the best, a lot of love and happiness and that he can safely reunite with his hyungs. i hope he knows that shinee and shawols love him more than anything ~.~  
have a nice day everyone! let's celebrate taemin's birthday and the jongtae kiss after like 50k words of slow burn build up a bit! stay safe and i hope to see you here next time!


	26. XXVI - Come Home

Between Taemin’s dog-walking dates with Jonghyun, dance practice and school, Key kind of got lost. It may have been because she spent even more time studying now, holed up in her room or Jonghyun’s without any electronic device nearby.

Taemin still saw her at school almost every day, so he didn’t notice her absence in his life as much at first. Key had seemed pleased the day after Jonghyun’s and Taemin’s kiss, but as she was so busy, nothing much had happened between her and Taemin ever since.

Nonetheless, Taemin felt like he was becoming a part of their relationship bit by bit, and even though he would have loved a little romantic intimacy with Key, he had long ago learned to live with what he had.

Things with Jonghyun were new and exciting, so Taemin didn’t miss Key too much. Her boyfriend turned into an impeccable gentleman every time they went out and after a few weeks Taemin was sure Jonghyun’s entire paycheck must have been spent buying him food.

As Taemin didn’t see Key a lot but still enough times not to get worried, he didn’t realize there had been change in her demeanor. He didn’t notice the way she flinched more often now, didn’t see her hide her arms under the long sleeves of her blazer.

The ever-growing layer of make-up she put on every morning went unnoticed by him as well until it was too late – if you could even put it like that.

Taemin wasn’t prepared when Key appeared on his doorstep one Friday night. His parents had gone out for dinner and he was lounging around in the living room when he suddenly heard the doorbell ring.

Confused by the unexpected disturbance, he picked himself off the couch and shuffled into the hallway to open the door. Right before pressing down the handle, Taemin hesitated for a moment.

Should he really open the door at such a late time, especially since his parents weren’t home?

However, he decided that he wasn’t a 12-year-old anymore and if he happened to open the door for a serial killer, he would just run upstairs and lock himself in his bathroom.

What greeted him upon opening the door was not the distorted grimace of a maniac, nor was it any other thing that meant danger. Instead, he was faced with Key’s back.

She was sitting on his doorstep, her elbows on her knees with her chin propped up on her hands. Her hair was all tousled up and Taemin could see a worryingly dark patch at the back of her head, but what surprised him the most was the duffle bag resting on the ground next to her.

“N-noona?” Taemin stammered, already feeling his heartbeat frequency rise.

He had a feeling he wasn’t equipped to handle this situation – it reminded him too much of the night he had found out about the dirtiest secret Key’s family kept. He had not encountered Key’s father ever since, but he had seen the bruises the man had left on his child and he had lain awake at night, desperately wondering how he could help.

Taemin suddenly felt guilty for letting Key’s father slip from his mind. Just a few weeks ago, the knowledge had been omnipresent, but Jonghyun made him forget lots of things he could usually remember.

“I’m not going back.”

Key had whispered, so quietly that her voice was almost carried away by the wind – almost. Somehow, Taemin had still understood every single word she had uttered. Her statement made his jaw drop.

“Wh-what do you mean?” he stammered after a few seconds, unable to comprehend what he had just heard.

Could it really be that Key had come to him, that she had decided to leave her home? It almost seemed like it, but Taemin needed to hear it again, he needed some kind of confirmation of the fact that his one big wish may just have come true.

“I’m not going back there,” Key repeated, louder this time.

She sounded like a stubborn child, but Taemin knew that there was a lot more to this situation. He could hardly imagine the storm that must be raging behind Key’s forehead, he couldn’t possibly know what she was going through right now.

But she had made herself clear in a way that left no room for misunderstandings, and it was like a switch had been flipped inside Taemin’s head.

Suddenly, he found himself in a completely calm state. His hands weren’t shaking, his heart wasn’t racing. For once, his mind was clear.

“Please come in,” he said, though his words sounded like an order instead of a plea. “Are you hurt anywhere? Do you need a doctor?”

Key shook her head. Somehow, she managed to get up from the doorstep, her body swaying a little in the wind, yet she seemed to be alright for the most part. When she turned around, Taemin was taken aback by the bloody marks on her face.

He didn’t have to ask Key who had done this to her. As he led her inside, Taemin wondered how he should strike up a conversation. He wasn’t panicking, luckily, but he knew he would have to make Key talk somehow. He _needed_ an explanation.

“I’m not going back.”

For the third time, Key stated the same thing and finally caught Taemin’s gaze, right after she had sat down at the end of the dining table. He hadn’t expected her eyes to be full of fury, to be burning with such a hot rage that he almost flinched.

Every time he had seen Key hurt, she had been hurt, down and depressed – but never angry like this.

She made a noise that was something between a laugh and a snort. However, there was no humorous spark in her eyes and Taemin knew she was dead serious when she began to speak.

“I probably owe you an explanation, huh? Well, you’ll get one. I’ll tell you why I’m never going back to that damned place ever again.”

_________________________

Taemin pulled a chair up to the table, but he made sure to leave a bit of distance between him and Key. This new version of her scared him quite a bit. Never had he ever seen her get truly angry at someone, but now the rage in her gaze was unmistakable and Taemin couldn’t help wondering what had put her in this state.

Even now as she sat at the dining table, Key was seething. She didn’t even seem to care about the injuries on her face although every grimace of hers made her wince in pain. Yet she made no move to go to the bathroom or ask for a tissue to clean off her bloody face.

“You’ve got to excuse me,” she finally got out through gritted teeth, her voice scarily low. “I’m just…I-“

“Maybe you should start from the beginning, noona?” Taemin timidly suggested.

He hardly dared to speak up and interrupt her while she was this enraged, but it seemed like Key was having trouble sorting out her own thoughts.

Her nostrils widened as she blew a stream of air through them, but she had made no move to come over and rip off Taemin’s head so far, which helped to calm his nerves a bit.

“Maybe I should do that.”

Her voice was already a bit calmer than before, though there was still a deep crease between her two brows.

“I got into a fight with my father. That much is obvious, huh?”

She gestured at herself, at the bloody marks on her cheek and her tousled hair.

“Nothing new of course.”

Taemin hated how painfully sarcastic she was being. Her tone made him feel sick because it made her struggle seem ridiculous, it diminished the very serious issue they were facing right now – parental abuse.

“You know we fight a lot,” Key went on without giving Taemin a second to take in her words and breathe. “And I usually just endure it. I’ve kept up with this shit for so long, for literal years, because I just can’t blame my father for the way he’s acting.

“I’ve told you before, it’s not his fault and I really get why he can’t accept me the way I am. In a way, I brought this upon myself – if I was normal, none of this ever would have happened. So I endured it. I endured the fights and the insults because I couldn’t blame my father.”

She cut herself off abruptly, her breathing heavy, and Taemin spent a few seconds sitting in stunned silence. When he realized she wasn’t going to continue on her own, he tentatively piped up, “s-so what happened tonight? What’s different now?”

“I’m fucking done with it, that’s what’s different,” Key hissed.

Without a warning, her fist slammed down on the table and the loud noise startled Taemin half to death. His heart was beating fast. He needed to know why Key was this mad, this angry – why had she changed her mind about her father so suddenly?

It seemed like he would get his answer very soon.

“Tonight, my dad went too far,” Key declared. “As long as he’s just insulting me, I can take it. He can yell at me all he wants, he can pull at my hair or hit me in the face or whatever. I’m used to it at this point.

“But tonight, h-he was waiting for me when he came downstairs and… He started saying all these fucked up things about- about Jjong. How he should have died that night. How he was a freak, a mad person who was sick in the head and didn’t deserve to live.

“H-he called me a faggot and all that stuff and the stuff he said was just so, so horrible and I couldn’t take it anymore. I lost my mind. It made me go crazy and I- I fought back.”

During her monologue, Key’s eyes had filled up with tears which were now threatening to spill down her cheeks. Taemin knew he should be up and getting her tissues by now but he was frozen in place, too gripped by her story to move a single inch.

It felt like his chest wasn’t big enough to hold his heart all of a sudden and the pressure only got worse when Key kept talking, her voice becoming more and more unsteady with every word.

“I screamed at him, I told him to leave Jjong alone. He’s never approved of him and I think he had a vague idea about what was going on between us, but tonight he went all out. He got even angrier when I started getting loud and then h-he told me he wanted Jonghyun to die…”

Key’s stream of words was broken off by a sob that shook her entire torso. Bringing up her hands to frantically wipe at her eyes, she shook her head over and over again, as if it could stop her tears from spilling.

However, all her actions were futile and she finally gave up, leaning back in her seat as tears ran down her face mixed in with make-up.

“You’ve got to excuse me,” she choked out after a few sobs. “I’m just so fucking furious. How can he say something like that? How can he say he wants another person to die, someone he doesn’t even know?”

Once again, she trailed off and Taemin knew it was his turn to break the silence. He tried to think of something to say, something that would comfort her, but her words had hit hard and Taemin’s throat was blocked by a big lump that kept him from swallowing down the tears he could feel coming.

“That’s terrible, n-noona,” he whispered, too much in shock to say anything else.

Then, he couldn’t ignore the growing pressure behind his eyes anymore and soon enough, they were both crying. Key was sobbing loudly without any shame while Taemin wept quietly, for her sake and for Jonghyun’s.

No one who knew Jonghyun would wish death upon him, Taemin was sure of that, but Key’s father didn’t know who Jonghyun was. He probably just saw him as another reason why his son wasn’t the way he wanted him to be.

To Taemin, Key’s father seemed like a terrible person. He knew that Key herself had a different opinion on that matter, but maybe that would change now after her dad had overstepped her boundaries one too many times.

It took the two of them a while to calm down. When her tears had finally stopped, Key wiped her face with her sleeve once before she turned back to Taemin, her right hand reaching out for him.

Without thinking much, he took it and intertwined their fingers the way Jonghyun had so many times. Holding Key’s hand felt natural, it always had, and Taemin found it a lot easier to breathe now that he could feel her warmth from her fingertips.

“I’m so mad at him,” Key whispered, but all traces of anger had left her voice. “I realized enough is enough. I’m never going back. Today was the last straw and I’m done with being humiliated, with constantly being afraid and feeling bad about myself.”

“But where are you going to stay now?”

“That’s a very good question. But don’t worry.”

Key sent Taemin a tearful yet genuine smile, one that made his heart leap in his chest.

“Jjong and I agreed to be more honest with each other. I haven’t exactly been following that resolution. But at this point, I think it’s time to come clean and tell him what’s been going on in my life.”

“He doesn’t know?”

Taemin’s eyes widened in shock. He had assumed that Jonghyun was well aware of the fact that Key’s situation had been getting worse; he had believed that Key trusted her boyfriend enough to share her worries with him, even if she hid them away from everyone else.

However, then Taemin remembered how he had forgotten about Key in the last few weeks, how he had met her at school but had never truly _seen_ her – until tonight, until the moment she had decided to show up on his doorstep to tell him she was never going back to her father.

At Taemin’s surprised question, Key cracked another tiny smile that vanished from her face as soon as she started talking.

“After hyung was admitted to the hospital, I found it very hard to tell him stuff about my dad. He’s always worried about me so much and so many times in the past he was the one who had to pick up the pieces after we had gotten into a physical fight again.

“But then, Jjong-hyung was the one who had shattered and even though he wanted both of us to be honest, I thought I had to be stronger for him so that he wouldn’t have to carry any additional burdens.

“Before he overdosed, I used to tell him about the fights, but suddenly, I just couldn’t anymore… That will change now.”

Key’s voice cracked terribly at the end and she cut herself off, inhaling and exhaling slowly a few times in a row.

“Sorry,” she shakily said. “I don’t know what’s going on with me tonight. I’m an emotional wreck.”

“It’s fine, noona,” Taemin reassured her again, and he meant it. “I think I’m going to make both of us a cup of tea and then we can continue talking.”

Five minutes later, Taemin returned to the living room not only carrying two steaming mugs but also a pack of tissues, his phone and some pain medication he had gotten from upstairs.

“Here, that should help.”

He placed the pills in front of Key who gifted him with another brief yet beautiful smile.

“Maybe I should have washed up while you were gone,” she mumbled as Taemin’s gaze came to rest on the gash next to her eye. “My dad’s wedding ring got me there. Funny, isn’t it? How none of this would have happened if he hadn’t married my mum? If they hadn’t had me?”

Taemin chose to stay quiet. He put down the mugs and the tissues, making sure that Key could access all items easily, before unlocking his phone.

“Noona?”

“What is it, Minnie?”

“Can I text Minho-hyung? He’s been very worried about you and I think…I think he would be very very happy to hear you decided to leave home.”

“I really don’t deserve that boy, huh?”

A quiet giggle slipped from Key’s lips and the sound warmed Taemin’s heart while he typed out a short message for Minho, determined to tell him the good news.

“Don’t tell Jjong, though!” Key suddenly exclaimed right after Taemin had hit ‘send’. “I’ve got to talk to him myself.”

“Of course, don’t worry about it, noona. Is there anything else you wanted to say before I left to make tea?”

“Well, first of all I successfully kept myself from crying,” Key joked and it felt good to know that even in this situation, she had enough strength to make use of her humor. “Don’t get me wrong, sometimes crying is the best thing to do. But right now, I’d rather explain myself as calmly as possible. Maybe I’ll be able to put my thoughts in some kind of order if I do.”

She cleared her throat, catching Taemin’s gaze for a mere second.

“So, I finally decided to leave my father’s place. My face is hurting like a bitch but I think the painkillers are helping. I hope I’ll be able to stay with Jjong’s family for now. What I did wasn’t right, but I don’t think he’ll be mad at me for not talking to him.

“Though I feel a bit bad because he and his family have helped me so much in the past and I don’t want to exploit them in any way. But at the end of the day, they are the people I belong with. If I had to name a place I would most likely call home, I would have to say Jjong’s house.

“Before the incident, I stayed over so many nights and I just kind of hope that they will take me in again.”

Key finished with a small chuckle, but there was a certain insecurity hidden in her eyes as she lowered her gaze to stare at the table.

“What you just said sounded very nice, noona,” Taemin told her in the quietest voice he could muster up. “I’ve never really thought about home or the place I’d call that. Does home have to be somewhere? Or can it be a person, or a situation where I feel I belong?”

“I think only you can answer that question for yourself, Taeminnie.”

Key was now looking at Taemin expectantly, as if she was just waiting for him to tell her about his home – but he couldn’t do it. Even now, he still didn’t have enough courage to tell her that she had been the one he belonged with for the longest time.

Instead, he just said, “I hope I can feel that way about someone too one day.”

“Don’t worry, Min, it takes a long time.”

For a bit, Key and Taemin just stared at each other. The just kept watching each other, looking into each other’s eyes and maybe, both of them did realize how far they had come since the day they had met.

Then, Key opened her mouth again.

“So, if everything goes well I’ll live with Jonghyunnie. I’ll finish school and get a job as soon as possible. Next year, once I turn 19, we’ll enlist. But I’d rather not think about that.”

She clasped her hands together, moving them around a few times before continuing, “I know that my problems won’t magically disappear. Things will still be tough, but now that I have left for good, there is one less thing I need to worry about. One more thing I can ban from my mind.

“And I can’t believe how great it feels to just…know that.”

“I’m glad.”

Now both Taemin and Key were smiling and the moment they were sharing would have been perfect, if it hadn’t been for the thought that popped up in Taemin’s head a second later. Suddenly, much like the moment he had found Key on his doorstep, Taemin remembered something he hadn’t thought about in an even longer time.

“What about Jongin…”

The words had escaped his mouth before he could bite them back, forming some kind of half-sentence that was neither a statement nor a question. They hung in the air right between them like a raincloud, intimidating and almost impossible to ignore.

“Jongin…” Key repeated, as if she had forgotten about her brother – much like Taemin.

“He still doesn’t know, does he?” the younger boy asked, suddenly feeling very sorry for his former best friend. “What are you gonna tell him?”

“I-“ Key began but didn’t finish, her mouth half open as she shook her head in disbelief. “I can’t just tell him. What am I even gonna say?”

She put quotation marks in the air with her fingers and grimaced.

“‘Look, for the past four or five years I’ve been fighting with dad and sometimes, I get hurt because of it.’

“He’ll freak out completely. You know, my father is a good dad to Jongin. I can’t possibly take that away from him. Jongin would never understand, he would never get why dad did what he did.”

For the sake of not putting Key into any more distress, Taemin kept his own thoughts on that topic to himself. Instead, he tried to focus on the matter at hand. Right now, it seemed way too much like Key was going to fall apart again just because of a single detail.

For a brief moment, Taemin wondered if he shouldn’t have said anything. However, deep down he knew that Jongin was as much part of this story as Taemin was – and he didn’t deserve to be kept in the dark about it.

“Doesn’t he know anything?” Taemin quietly asked Key who shook her head, looking crestfallen.

“I don’t think so. In the past he used to ask me sometimes why dad would make mean comments to me from time to time. But you of all people should know best that Jongin had no way of finding out.

“You two went to a boarding school for the past three years – how would he have known if he was never home?”

“And did you ever think about telling him?”

This time, Key’s reaction came even faster. Once again, she shook her head vehemently to illustrate her point.

“Never. I can’t do that.”

Taemin began to gnaw at his lip. They had just hit a dead end in their conversation and the way Key was arguing, he wasn’t sure if he could turn the situation around.

However, familiar scenes kept playing in his head at the same time. He remembered the harsh words Jongin had thrown at his face, the insults Key’s brother had spat at him.

That day, Jongin had shown just how protective he was of Key. He cared for her to a point where he was willing to push away his best friend of three years because he was sure that Taemin had been hurting Key.

Didn’t Jongin deserve to know the whole story?

Of course he did. Taemin knew that for sure, he had known for a long time but it had only just dawned on him how unfair the whole situation was. Everyone around Key knew about her father, everyone except for her younger brother who would readily fight for her if he had to.

At this point, Taemin thought, Jongin not only deserved to be told what was going on – he _needed_ to hear everything.

“Noona,” Taemin spoke in a soft voice. “Please hear me out. There’s something I haven’t told you yet, something that happened a while ago…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry to all of you who expected more cute fluff. i promise good things will come your way - but i also mentioned that there was still one major plot point that needed to happen and here we are. i bet most of you forgot about jongin too, right? he didn't appear all that much in this part of the story, but ofc he's still there and it's time for him to find out about everything.  
i hope you're at least a bit curious about his reaction, and that maybe he won't be hated as much anymore. just like every other character , he has flaws, but i don't think he's a bad person.   
now, let me ask: who is excited for taemin's comeback? i can't believe it's happening this week and it looks very good so far. i loved his danger looks so this will be interesting o.o i also have yet to listen to jjong's end of a day orchestra version bc i wasn't in the right mood, but it felt good to get updates about him as well.  
i hope you're all doing well and that you're enjoying the summer. please take care of yourselves and i'd be happy to see you here next time as well!


	27. XXVII - Honest

“Jongin and I fought.”

Taemin had gotten used to the fact that he and Jonghyun (and Minho, as of now) were the only ones who knew about his fallout with Jongin.

He hadn’t been able to tell Key the truth in fear of destroying her relationship with Jongin. Given her own backstory, Taemin was sure Key would get mad if she found out her brother had outed Taemin against his will – and despite everything Jongin had put him through, he couldn’t let that happen.

In the end, Taemin was just as guilty as Jongin was and it wasn’t fair if he snitched to Key and acted like he was innocent.

It was only now that Taemin realized he and Key had been making the exact same mistake all along.

Key didn’t want Jongin to look at his own father differently, so she kept quiet about her abuse – and Taemin didn’t want to hurt her bond with Jongin, so he had lied to her.

However, now that he knew for sure that Jongin had to know about his dad, Taemin realized he would have to come clean too.

Key didn’t seem surprised at his first statement. She barely batted an eyelash, shrugging her shoulders once as if Taemin’s confession wasn’t a big deal.

“I actually figured that. Of course I don’t know why you didn’t want to tell me, but I thought I’d respect your decision…”

“It’s true that I couldn’t tell you then,” Taemin continued.

He was already trying to think up a way to break the whole story to Key, but after so much time had passed, he felt like he was grasping at straws, unable to knit a coherent and objective story that depicted the truth accurately.

“But I think it’s about time I told you that story,” he began.

He did not know where he was going to end.

“When you started tutoring me, my friendship with Jongin became more and more strained. I loved spending time with you. I loved it so much that I couldn’t think about anything else. During that time, I really began to neglect him and every time I’d notice, I convinced myself that it was fine and didn’t change anything.

“I was just so enamored by you,” he cleared his throat awkwardly, avoiding eye contact at any cost, “that I didn’t realize I was turning into a real asshole.

“Then, obviously, that thing happened between us and things got really messy.”

Taemin had to stop talking and wait for his rapid heartbeat to calm down. It was still hard for him to talk about the incident because even now, the guilt was still eating him up from inside.

He would never be able to fully forgive himself for snooping on Key, even if she had told him it was okay countless times.

Now, she also reached out and patted Taemin’s arm carefully, though she stayed completely quiet, waiting for him to continue.

“Jongin must have known something was going on. He didn’t confront me, though. Instead, we just kind of stopped talking to each other, especially since I was hanging out with you and Minho all the time.

“It stayed like that for a few weeks and I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t really have enough courage to walk up to him and apologize. And well, I was also thinking about other stuff at that time.”

He left a short yet meaningful pause at that point, just long enough for Key to recall the time Taemin had seen her dad hit her and the events that had occurred right afterwards.

“Here’s where it gets worse,” Taemin then went on, hoping that Key would ready herself for the big revelation in some way. “Remember how you forced me to go and talk to Jongin?

“He was really mad at me. I thought he was pissed because I had kind of replaced him, but he was furious because he was convinced I was hurting you – which isn’t entirely false either. That day, I’m pretty sure he almost hit me.

“He screamed at me to stay away from you and also accused me of trying to break up your relationship with Jonghyun-hyung. But that was never my intention, I swear. I felt guilty because of my feelings, but I never wanted you two apart from each other.”

“I know, Min. Please go on.”

“Well.”

Taemin let out a deep sigh.

“Long story short: We had a bad fight and in the end, I found out that Jongin had outed me to our entire year. They all know that I’m bi.”

His confession left Key stunned. She opened her mouth multiple times only to close it again without saying anything, her eyes huge and full of questions. No matter how hard it was to keep silent, Taemin knew it wasn’t his turn to say anything.

He tried to distract himself as he waited for Key, tried to count the breadcrumbs on the table – anything was better than having to imagine Key’s reaction to his story.

Finally, after an eternity had seemingly passed, she spoke up.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Key didn’t comment on the news, nor did she give away her true feelings – the only thing she did was ask that one question Taemin had to answer now.

“There’s a number of reasons,” he stammered, his mind blank all of a sudden. “I didn’t want you to think badly of Jongin. What he did was stupid, but I also screwed up big time. And then…”

He trailed off, unable to find the right words. The other main reason why he hadn’t told Key was because of her past. She had suffered in the same way, had also been outed to her classmates who didn’t only refuse to accept her the way she was but eventually drove her to transfer to another school.

Key had briefly mentioned that episode of her life a few times and so had Minho, but although neither of them had gone into depth, Taemin knew that Key was still scarred after all this time.

“I didn’t want to remind you,” he finally got out after a few futile attempts of explaining himself. “I didn’t want to trigger any bad memories. You went through the same thing, and I felt like I’d hurt you if I told you.”

For a moment, Key kept quiet. She looked at Taemin thoughtfully and even though there was a hint of insecurity glistening in her eyes, her reaction was nowhere near as bad as Taemin had feared.

“I get it,” she then said. “That time was very hard and I’m still afraid it will repeat itself one day. You were right about one thing – it’s something I still struggle with, even if I like to convince everyone that I don’t.”

She didn’t say anything after that, didn’t show what she thought about her brother now that the truth was out in the open. Taemin had expected a little more from her to be honest – a conversation at the very least, an expression of sympathy, anything but the silence she was giving him right now.

However, he realized Key had other things to worry about right now – and that brought Taemin back to why he had told her his story in the first place.

“You know, I brought this up because,” he began, fiddling with his fingers to take away some of the lingering awkwardness, “because my fight with Jongin made me realize something very important.”

He stopped speaking for a moment and waited until Key lifted up her gaze to meet his eyes. When Taemin was sure he had her full attention, he said very quietly but in a voice that was full of sincerity, “you’re the person Jongin loves the most, noona – he wouldn’t even trust me, his best friend, not to hurt you. I think he can take the truth. You should tell him about your dad.”

“But I- There isn’t… I-“

After a few futile attempts of getting out a straight sentence, Key shook her head in exasperation. From the way she was picking at her nails, having cast down her eyes long ago, Taemin could tell how much this matter was bothering her.

“It’s so hard,” she finally mumbled after a while without looking up. “We grew up without our mum and Jongin didn’t even have grandma who he was close to. The only one he has is our dad, but I know things won’t be the same if I tell him. I don’t want him to be on his own, Taeminnie. I’ve been alone for so many years and I hate it so much…”

As he answered, Taemin tried to pretend Key’s whispered confession didn’t make him choke up. He tried to make his voice sound firm and his words reasonable; he tried to be strong at a point where Key was breaking.

He was struggling, but Taemin didn’t care.

“But Jongin won’t be alone,” he said as he fought back the tears that were gathering in his eyes. “He’s willing to give everything for you. And if you don’t tell him, wouldn’t he be living in a lie? You’re right about one thing – once you tell him, his whole world will crumble.

“But even afterwards, he’ll still have you. And for him, that will be enough. I think it’s safe to say that Jongin would rather have the truth hurt him than live in ignorance while you are hurting on your own. Don’t keep this from him, noona. I promise he can take it.”

“God, when did you become so wise, Taemin?”

Taemin was shocked to hear the laughter in Key’s voice – no matter how watery and weak it sounded, she was still laughing.

“I don’t have a choice, do I?” she went on with a half-smile, her eyes wandering up Taemin’s chest and neck until they were resting on his face. “After your speech, I think I do need to tell Jongin. Even if I’m really damn scared – but that’s nothing new. I’m always scared, every day of my life, of what’s going to come my way.”

“Don’t say it like that.”

Taemin couldn’t help frowning at her sudden lightheartedness, but Key just chuckled and reached out to ruffle his hair.

“Please bear with me, I’m having the worst mood swings tonight. But just so you know,” her voice turned serious again, “you’ve helped me a lot, Min. I think I’ve told you this before at least once, but I’m so glad to have you in my life. Thank you for your words. Thank you for being with me. Thank you for everything.”

“Don’t say that, noona.”

Taemin could feel himself get shy after the amount of compliments Key had showered him with. He quickly picked up his mug and took a gulp of tea to hide the blush blooming on his cheeks. The drink had gone cold by now and Taemin cringed as the liquid slid down his throat, but anything was better than falling victim to Key’s teasing.

“It’s true, though.”

Key gave a merciless shrug before her gaze landed on the duffle bag next to her.

“I hurriedly put some stuff in there,” she explained with a sideglance at clock above the doorframe. “It’ll be enough for tonight, but most of my belongings are still at my dad’s place. I have no idea how I’m gonna get them back…”

“Don’t worry about that, noona, we’ll find a solution.”

Taemin sent her an encouraging smile before getting up from his chair.

“How about we both go upstairs and change into more comfortable clothes. I’ll tell my parents a made-up story tomorrow morning and we can figure out things from there. Sounds good?”

“It sounds good,” Key confirmed with a smile on her own.

_________________________________

Key stayed true to her promise of not going back to her father’s house. She stayed at Taemin’s house for two nights and moved into Jonghyun’s room after that.

Even though she had to sleep on the floor (or share a bed with her boyfriend), Key seemed happy with the new situation and Taemin himself couldn’t be more glad.

It felt great to know Key wasn’t in immediate danger anymore and as her bruises from that night faded, so did the worried voice at the back of Taemin’s head that had been a constant companion of his during the last few months.

Another promise Key kept was telling Jongin about her father. She didn’t share the exact whereabouts or circumstances of their conversation with Taemin, but when he saw Jongin steal a glance at him in the changing room after dance practice, Taemin knew something must have happened.

He purposefully got dressed a little bit more slowly that afternoon, to give Jongin the chance of approaching him if he wanted to. However, when Taemin was finally clad in sweater he had borrowed from Jonghyun last week, he was the only one left.

Pulling his coat around himself tightly because of the cold weather, Taemin strode out of the P.E. quarters with big steps. He was eager to get home and eat his mum’s homemade dinner, especially after she had promised him his favorite food.

Taemin had been so lost in thought that he didn’t notice the hooded figure leaning against the wall right outside the changing room. Without as much as a glance upwards, he speed-walked past the person, already at home in thought.

It was only when Jongin called his name that Taemin stopped on his tracks, completely frozen at the sound of a familiar voice.

Slowly, as if he wasn’t quite sure if he was imagining things, Taemin turned around. He was met with the sight of his ex best friend standing a few meters away from him, hands buried in his pockets and face grim.

“Jongin-ah?”

The name slipped out of Taemin’s mouth so naturally, as if his brain still hadn’t fully registered the change in their relationship. For a moment, Taemin was taken back to the old times before he had known Key and Jonghyun, back when it had only been him and Jongin.

At the sound of his name, the younger boy jumped slightly, although he tried to hide it by moving a little closer. His face was hidden in the shade of his hood so Taemin couldn’t quite make out Jongin’s expression, but he figured it was as dark as it had been when they had last talked to each other.

“Taemin.”

Once again, Jongin said his name. Then, they just stood there and stared at each other.

A few seconds passed, then some more until it had been a full minute since anyone had said anything. Taemin was torn between awkwardness and intimidation.

He knew he shouldn’t have anything to fear from Jongin, but there was still a shadow of doubt lingering over him – what if Key’s brother didn’t appreciate the news?

She must have told Jongin everything, Taemin was sure of that. Why else would they be here right now, staring each other down because neither of them was able to make the first move?

Finally, Taemin had had enough. He was over fighting with Jongin, be it verbally or non-verbally – and this felt very much like a fight he didn’t want to have.

“Is there something you want to ask me?” he bluntly asked, cocking up an eyebrow at Jongin’s broad figure. “Anything?”

“I-“

For the first time in very long, Taemin witnessed Jongin being at a loss for words. His best friend had always been witty and a bit hot-headed at times, at least when he was with his peers, so this stuttering seemed very out of character.

But maybe, Jongin had changed during the time they hadn’t spoken to each other. He must have, Taemin thought – he himself was a totally different person now. Why would Jongin be different?

“Noona told me about the…things that our father did.”

Each one of Jongin’s words was dripping with disgust and under his hood, Taemin could vaguely see him grimace. It seemed like he hadn’t taken the news well, like Jongin still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that his sibling was being abused – how could it be any other way, though?

Key’s confession must have hit him out of nowhere, Taemin realized. He most likely had no idea about what was going on, much like Taemin just a few months ago.

Recalling his own feelings from the incident, from that one night where his view of Key had drastically changed yet again, Taemin really couldn’t blame Jongin. He could still vividly remember how hard it had been to watch Key get beaten and how much pain and confusion that new knowledge had brought him.

Suddenly, he felt a sympathy spark in his chest as he looked at Jongin – suddenly, he saw a crushed boy instead of the person who had given away his biggest secret.

“I’m sorry,” Taemin half-spoke and half-coughed.

It was much harder to find the right words now, but Jongin hardly seemed to notice. In a painfully slow manner, the younger raised his hand to pull back the hood that had been hiding his expression.

Taemin found himself face to face with a white mask, skin that looked much more ashen than he remembered. Jongin seemed like he was about to hurl right now, in the middle of their conversation.

He opened his mouth, but all that came out was a hoarse croak, a noise that told Taemin he had to say something to kill the oppressive silence that had settled over the scene.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, but this time his words had gained a new meaning. “For everything. You don’t have to say anything right now. I know it must be hard to take. It was hard for me, too.”

He had expected Jongin to nod at his words, to turn around and leave as fast as possible. But instead, Key’s brother did something that left Taemin completely baffled. Without a warning, Jongin reached forward and grabbed Taemin’s arm.

His grip was tighter than anything Taemin was used to, yet Jongin hardly seemed to notice his fingers were digging into the older boy’s flesh. For a few seconds, he kept holding on like Taemin was the only thing keeping him upright.

Then, Jongin’s grip loosened until he let his hand dropped completely.

“I shouldn’t be here right now,” he whispered and even his lips were ghostly pale now. “But I needed to thank you. I know she told me because you asked her to.”

Standing in his own, Jongin was swaying back and forth like a tree in a storm and Taemin suddenly felt very afraid that he was going to collapse. He had never seen his best friend like this, never in the three years they had lived with each other, and the sight scared him.

He couldn’t keep talking to Jongin like this, but he couldn’t leave him on his own either. Unsure of what to do, Taemin gestured at the lockers standing against the wall to their right.

“Let’s sit down?”

Jongin didn’t protest. In fact, he seemed a bit relieved when letting his body down to the ground, as if his legs had been very tired.

Taemin wondered if he should say something. The silence that had returned after he had made his suggestion seemed out of place, like it didn’t belong here. Digging deep into his brain, he tried to think of a comment he could make without making Jongin feel any worse.

Luckily, the younger beat him to it.

“When she told me, I blacked out,” he said completely out of the blue. “She made me promise her I’d go home early, but I couldn’t do that. I…I had to find you first. I couldn’t-“

“Are you feeling okay now?” Taemin asked with a concerned frown. “To be honest, you’re white as a sheet.”

“I’ve never felt this terrible before…”

Letting his head drop back against the metal locker door, Jongin closed his eyes. He allowed himself to take a few deep breaths and Taemin let him without interrupting.

“I’m such an idiot,” Jongin then said. “I still can’t comprehend how I didn’t _see_ it? How on earth did I not notice? I always talk about how much I love noona and how I want her to be happy, yet I didn’t even know how much she was suffering…”

“It seems obvious now, right?”

Taemin refrained from looking at Jongin as he spoke. Instead he let his gaze wander over the windows facing the school yard, the sun sending a few last beams through the glass pane before it would finally disappear behind the houses across the street.

“After I found out, I noticed many little things that made everything very clear. Now it’s very apparent to me whenever something has gone down at your home. But before I knew, I really had no clue. I think it’s because Key-noona doesn’t want anyone to know. She thinks she isn’t suffering – or at least she’s rightfully enduring it.”

“She said she wanted me to see…him the same way as before,” Jongin mumbled. “She went on a whole rant about how he’s only missing mum, how he’s a good person, a good dad… But I really don’t know how I’m gonna face him ever again. How am I going to face him, Taemin?”

At the last part, his head whipped around and he was staring at Taemin through dark eyes, his pupils wide and his gaze pleading.

“I’m sorry,” Taemin apologized again.

He wished he was able to offer any suggestion to Jongin.

“I don’t know that. I honestly prayed that I’d never have to see him again after I found out. But you really have it so much worse – after all, he’s still your dad…”

“No, he’s not! That man isn’t my dad, h-he can’t be! I hate him so much, I hate him, I hate him…”

Taemin was startled terribly by Jongin’s sudden scream. The younger boy was breathing heavily, his chest visibly falling and rising even under his thick hoodie, and Taemin felt a shiver run down his spine.

Right now, it didn’t matter that he had ever fought with Jongin. That fact had completely slipped from his mind, like it hadn’t ever existed. At this moment, Taemin just wanted to help his best friend, Key’s little brother, because he knew just how much it hurt to live with his knowledge.

“Maybe you can come with me?” he suggested quickly before the rational half of his brain could protest. “Just so that you don’t have to go home. I know you won’t be able to put it off forever, but maybe it would help – if you went somewhere else to clear your mind. To get some sleep and think about it once you feel a bit better physically…”

“But won’t you mind?”

Jongin seemed incredulous.

“I was horrible to you. I did terrible things, I destroyed your reputation completely and even acted like I didn’t regret it… How can you offer me to come with you?”

Taemin sheepishly shrugged.

“I still remember how I felt right after I found out. I think you could benefit a lot from staying over. And about that other thing… It’s really not that tragic,” he lied, forcing himself not to remember the hour he had spent crying on the school toilet after their fight.

“I mean, people avoid me, but I haven’t had trouble with any teachers yet, and that’s what matters, isn’t it? I’m thinking maybe coach defended me. He seems like the type to do something like that.”

“He really does.”

Jongin nodded and even offered a shy half-smile at the end. Taemin’s chest immediately felt a lot lighter now that he knew he had been able to help Jongin at least a bit.

“Coach also mentioned before that the teachers keep talking about how odd Key-noona is, but I know for sure that he’s always been extra kind to her and I’m pretty sure he also talked to his colleagues even though she never joined his team.”

“Right, I remember him mentioning something similar about noona way back when I didn’t know about her…gender and everything. Shall we go, by the way? It’s getting dark soon and you look like you could really use some sleep.”

Without waiting for an answer, Taemin pushed himself up to a standing position and Jongin followed his example.

“I’m not sure if I’m gonna be able to get a second of sleep tonight,” the younger sighed as they began to make their way towards the main entrance, but Taemin could tell that Jongin was a lot more relaxed than he had been at the start of their talk.

As they walked to Taemin’s home side by side, the older of the two couldn’t help thinking that it felt just like back then – as if nothing had ever changed them and things were still the same.

But they weren’t, and that was okay. Taemin was ready to deal with some change in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone~~~  
i hope you're doing okay! just a short note at the end of this long chapter - so, jongin finally knows. writing (and reading) this passage was very hard bc god knows how terrible he must have felt after finding out. as taemin said, his whole world kinda fell apart at once, and now he has to pick up the pieces. but at least he talked to taemin, right.  
on another note, i'm very excited for 2 kids on tuesday and i hope that we'll be able to support taemin properly as a fandom - he surely deserves it after waiting so long. oh, and i got my nose pierced on friday. i'm kinda scared that it'll get infected but i'm happy i did it!  
i wish everyone a nice next week! take care.


	28. XXVIII - Boyfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hyung is pretty too ;)

Roughly 24 hours after Taemin had taken Jongin home with him, he was on his way to the little café where he had first met Key’s closest friends. It was already getting dark and the air was considerably cooler than it had been just thirty minutes ago, a light breeze making Taemin shiver under the jacket he was wearing over his school uniform.

As he walked down the endless gray streets, Taemin’s thoughts strayed. Somehow, he couldn’t get Jongin out of his head.

Key’s brother must be home by now. He had probably holed himself up in his room, something Taemin understood all too well. If it was him in Jongin’s place, he wouldn’t know how to face his father either.

Taemin was glad when he finally reached the café and was able to slip through the door into the warm, homey room he hadn’t visited in a while. At this time of the day, the shop wasn’t very busy anymore. When he sat down at a table in the corner, Taemin wondered if Key had known.

He had a feeling she had, that she had chosen this place for them to meet deliberately.

Taemin was a few minutes early, so he spent the remaining time taking off his jacket and throwing it over the back rest of his chair. He probably wasn’t dressed adequately for the occasion, but Key hadn’t been very specific when she had asked him out, so he forced himself not to feel bad about his attire.

Taemin didn’t know for sure what Key wanted from him, but after so many uneventful weeks, every fiber of his body was anticipating only one thing. The thought made the tips of his fingers tickle and he could feel his pulse pick up on speed.

For a moment, a shadow of doubt loomed over him – what if he had misunderstood Key after all – but then the door swung open and Taemin felt exactly the way he had when he met Key for the first time.

With a bright grin that showed off her braces, she marched towards him, all long strides and confident demeanor. It had been a while since Taemin had seen her like this – with her back so straight, a black skirt hugging her waist and a wig resting on her head.

Taemin got up from his chair to greet her with a hug that lingered longer than all the ones they had exchanged as friends – yet Taemin had become used to it and hardly noticed. He watched with a smile as Key put down her bag next to the table and began to study the menu which she undoubtedly knew by heart.

“These clothes are from Sodam-unnie,” she clarified without looking up, as if she had sensed Taemin’s astonishment. “She let me borrow them for tonight. As you know, I don’t really have my whole wardrobe on me right now.”

Without acknowledging her last remark, Taemin told her, “it looks really good on you, noona. It’s been a while since you’ve last worn a skirt.”

“I didn’t really dare to for a long time, but I really missed this.”

Key smiled back at Taemin and for a few moments, they kept looking at each other in silence, almost as if they could tell what the other was thinking without any words.

“Jjong’s finishing work in like half an hour,” Key suddenly said. “I told him to come over after. I hope that’s alright with you?”

“That’s fine. P-perfectly fine!”

The mere mention of Jonghyun’s name made Taemin feel even more giddy; in fact, he got so excited that he kept stuttering and stumbling over the words he wanted to say.

“So why did you call me here, noona?” he breathlessly asked, unable to contain himself any longer. “What did you want to talk about?”

His heart was racing as Key slowly reached out and took his hand, folding their fingers against each other with their palms fitting together nicely. Taemin hoped his hands weren’t too sweaty.

“You seem really excited,” Key chuckled. “I swear, sometimes you remind me even more of a puppy than Jjong-hyung does!”

“But that’s not a bad thing, is it? Noona…”

“Oh, stop with that pout, Min!”

Key playfully slapped Taemin’s shoulder just hard enough to make him sway a little.

“We’ll order first,” she then decided and before Taemin could hold her back, she had stalked off towards the counter.

Two minutes later, Key returned with two mugs of hot chocolate, one of which she set down in front of Taemin.

“It’s my treat.”

“Th-thanks.”

In the time she had been away, Taemin hadn’t calmed down at all. In fact, he was feeling worse than before because now, he was nervous too.

He knew he shouldn’t be – he had survived kissing Jonghyun in the middle of the street on a hunch, and Key was much more familiar to him – but there was something nerve-wracking about having to sit and wait for Jongin’s sister to elaborate on her motives for calling him here.

“So,” Key began, drawing out the word as if she wanted to play for some more time herself. “I actually didn’t think it would take us this long to get here. It’s kind of funny, really. But I’m really good at two things – not making myself clear and getting into trouble.

“I guess I should apologize for putting this off for so long.”

Some part of Taemin’s brain realized she was rambling – a sign that she was probably just as nervous as he was – but he was so preoccupied with his own anticipation that he only wanted her to get to the point already.

Key seemed to have noticed somehow because she suddenly broke off, stared at Taemin for a second and then shook her head.

“Wow, okay, you look a bit troubled. Sorry. I should just get straight to the point – when I told you about Jjong-hyung’s polyamorous tendencies that night after the party… When I said we wanted to let another person be part of our relationship, I was thinking of you.

“I actually do that a lot – thinking of you, that is.”

She trailed off, her eyes darting from Taemin’s face to his hands and back to his face anxiously. She was scanning him for a reaction, be it positive or negative, but even if Taemin had long expected her confession, it still left him speechless.

He blinked a few times, unable to process what he had just heard. It seemed unbelievable that after all this time he had spent beating himself up over his feelings, Key might just return his crush.

Suddenly, Taemin realized just what exactly that meant – that all the times when he had felt that his love was at least a little bit requited hadn’t only been products of his imagination. It meant that Key saw something in him as well, that he wasn’t the only one being drawn to her. It was amazing.

Strangely, Taemin had never thought about any of these things before, even if he had suspected this outcome for a while now. And even after going on countless dates with Jonghyun, nothing compared to the feeling of being confessed to properly, with clear words that allowed no misinterpretation.

At that moment, Taemin kind of wanted to cry of joy. Looking at Key, he couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that she trusted him and liked him just as much as he liked her.

“Taemin?” she asked in a tiny voice that showed her full vulnerability. That quickly snapped Taemin out of his thoughts.

“Oh, yeah, right – I…” he stammered and her face fell.

“You don’t have to like it…or say stuff just to make me feel better. I just thought since you told me you had a crush on me some months ago and you and Jjong are basically dating that you…still…”

“No, noona, stop thinking that!” Taemin interrupted her, desperate to get the frown off her face. “I’m just being stupid! What you just said makes me really, really happy, but it was too much for me to take in for a moment. It feels like you fried my brain or something…”

“Oh. Sorry about that.”

“No, no, don’t apologize.”

Taemin stopped talking to catch his breath – he hadn’t even realized he was in dire need of oxygen until fresh air filled his lungs, clearing his head and calming his heartbeat a little.

“Okay, let me just finish,” he said once he could breathe normally again. “Don’t you ever think I stopped having feelings for you after I confessed, noona. They never went away and I spent a lot of time hating myself for not being able to suppress them.

“Especially after what happened to Jonghyun-hyung – I thought- I was really scared that he had somehow found out about the kiss and that he thought you didn’t love him anymore. But he deserves you so much more than I do… And-“

“Oh, I see.”

Suddenly, the smile was back on Key’s face and her hand was sliding towards his until their fingertips were touching.

“I didn’t know that,” she admitted. “Actually, I wasn’t sure if you still liked me like that. Let me tell the story from my view…

“When you confessed, I did have romantic feelings for you – a crush at the very least. But I love Jonghyun-hyung so much and I can’t live without him, so I chose to say nothing like a coward. I also hated myself a lot for feeling that way.

“Then, hyung was hospitalized and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t be close to you because every time, I’d be reminded of the feelings I wasn’t supposed to have. It felt like I was betraying hyung every single time so I avoided you for a bit – that was until Jjong approached me and told me we needed to talk.

“I think he was very scared to – of coming out to me and telling me he wasn’t comfortable in a monoamorous relationship anymore. He probably had a hunch or something, though, because he did it and explained it to me.

“I was really relieved and even though I only told him about my crush after a while, I suddenly felt like it was okay to pursue you. I finally didn’t have to choose between the two of you anymore.

“But you pushed me away a lot, especially when I got really excited and touchy. You seemed really uncomfortable and that was when I started to worry you didn’t like me anymore… Especially after Jjong kissed you and you went on dates but nothing ever happened between the two of us…

“I’m so happy that you still feel the same way! Really, Taem – it means the world to me!”

Taemin didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry at her heartfelt confession. His heart felt so full that it could burst any second, but he still longed for something more, for physical closeness in any possible form, even if it was just hand-holding.

“We’re so stupid, noona,” he stated, still incredulous. “The only reason why I kept pushing you away was because I couldn’t control myself and my thoughts. Didn’t I do that before as well? That was before you kissed me…”

“Right, that happened, too.”

And then they were both laughing – about the misunderstandings that had made their lives harder, the memories they had already forgotten about and the fact that they suddenly had the chance to be together.

“Our first kiss was terrible,” Key wheezed between two giggles, her shoulders shaking from the force of her laughter. “That whole night was terrible. But it’s all over and things are getting better and our next kiss is gonna be dope.”

“I’ll take that as a promise,” Taemin boldly retorted. “How’d your talk with Jongin go, by the way?”

Of course, he already knew the answer to that question, after listening to Jongin for hours last night – but he was still curious about Key’s thoughts on the topic.

“Yeah, that.”

She sat up a bit straighter, but her hands were still resting right next to Taemin’s.

“I wanted to thank you. I really owe you, Taemin, for just about everything. First of all, being there for me the night when I ran away from home – without you, I don’t know if I would have mustered up the courage to ask Jjong to move in with him.

“I’m slowly realizing how much better I am doing ever since then. I used to think that I was bound to be miserable all the time, but now that that thing is gone from my life, it’s been a lot easier to get through the day. That’s the first thing.

“The second thing – Jongin. He didn’t take it well – he actually passed out in the hallway and I had to call the school nurse, but I think it was the right decision to tell him. He deserved to know. I just hope he doesn’t hate our father now.”

Taemin didn’t respond to the last sentence. He had accepted that there were parts of Key he would never be able to change, no matter how much better off she would be without them. Instead, he said, “I talked to him yesterday. He thanked me for convincing you.”

“Did you two make up? Did he apologize?”

“We didn’t really talk about that… But it’s okay, noona, I think we might make up. Yesterday wasn’t the right time, but we’re okay now. Everything will work out.”

“I’m happy to hear that. I couldn’t bear the thought of you two fighting because of me.”

Taemin was about to protest, but before he could say anything another customer entered the café – he looked a bit like a delinquent with his messy fringe, the helmet dangling from his arm and the oversized sweater he was wearing.

But Jonghyun couldn’t fool Taemin anymore. The second he plopped down onto the third chair at their table, a smile bloomed on the youngest boy’s face.

“Jonghyun-hyung! You missed everything!”

“I did?”

Jonghyun’s eyes went comically wide and the sight made both Key and Taemin burst into a fit of giggles.

That, in turn, made Jonghyun pout like a child as he snatched Key’s cup to take a sip of her hot chocolate.

“It’s not fair!” he whined when he had passed the drink back to her. “I told you to wait until I got here.”

“You know what I think isn’t fair?” Key coolly countered, one brow cocked up. “The fact that you keep drinking my chocolate. Get some of your boyfriend’s as well.”

Even though they had confirmed their mutual feelings for each other not even an hour ago, Taemin froze the second he heard the word ‘boyfriend’. His heart was beating fast again and it took him a few seconds to clear his mind – it felt absolutely surreal to suddenly be part of Key’s and Jonghyun’s relationship just like that.

Apparently, Key’s non-chalant comment had thrown Jonghyun off as well, but he was better at hiding it. Within a second, he was back to being his old self, leaning over the table to grab Taemin’s cup.

However, instead of lifting it to his mouth, Jonghyun turned his head and pressed a chaste peck to Taemin’s lips that left him starstruck.

It was completely silent for a few second. Then, Key shook her head.

“I think you broke him, hyung.”

Taemin could feel the blood rush up to his head. He buried his face in his hands, feeling his cheeks burning his palms.

“Warn me next time, hyung.”

“Sorry.”

Jonghyun sounded genuinely apologetic and when Taemin looked up, the older boy’s eyes were sparkling with sincerity.

“I’m just…super happy and excited because we finally sorted things out,” Jonghyun went on to explain with a shy smile. “I know we’ve been…going on dates and kissing each other for a while, but it makes such a big difference to know that you feel that way about us.”

“I agree,” Key softly added as she reached for Taemin’s hand and laced their fingers together. “I think it’s gonna take a lot of hard work until we figure out how this thing…this relationship works, but I’m more than ready to find out! I really am.”

Taemin nodded. All he wanted was to agree with them, to tell the two persons in front of him that he felt the exact same way and that he was on top of the world right now. But the way the lighting got caught in Jonghyun’s eyes and made them sparkle happily was all Taemin could think about.

And to his own embarrassment, he blurted, “hyung, you’re so damn beautiful…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tada...there you have it. the confession most of you have been waiting for since the first story ended at least. i'm really sorry i kept you waiting for so long - did i mention in the tags that this is slowburn? well yea, i'm also a fan of realistic writing and good relationships take their time.  
on that note, i could end the story here. they're together everything is sorted out, even key is safe now. the last phrase of this chapter was also kind of the catchphrase of this story. the working title of the first part was 'noonan neomu yebbeo' or 'noona is so pretty', which taemin and jongin discuss in one of the earlier chapters. and, with my limited korean i figured that the second part would have to be 'hyung neomu jalsaenggyeosseo' or 'hyung is so handsome' since, you know, it's all abt taemin falling for jonghyun.  
however, i'm a rlly nice writer so i'll grant you two or three more chapters. i also decided to add some headcanons i have for the future of jongtaekey to the last author's note, and you can do with them whatever you want. take them or leave them, i won't care.  
lastly, i am working on making this story into an independent novel. i haven't quite decided yet if i will write it in english or in german - but if anyone here is from the us, specifically from minnesota, and wants to help me out with my research, please please please hit me up.  
i hope you had a nice week and may your next one be even better. good night / day / whatever time it is where you are, and take care!


	29. XXIX - Accept

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of intimacy, self harm

Jonghyun, Taemin and Kibum stayed true to their promise – they spent the weeks and months after their café date trying to figure out the way their relationship worked.

None of them had been with more than one person at the same time before and as expected, it was hard to get used to everything – especially Kibum seemed to struggle with the fact that there were three people instead of two now, but he reassured his boyfriends countless times that he just had a hard time getting used to this new reality.

Taemin realized a few things after he had been asked out. Sometimes, he found himself drowning in doubts about the relationship he was now in – what if he wasn’t enough for Kibum and Jonghyun? What if they decided to break up with him after a while because they realized he wasn’t what they were looking for? What if they would always love each other more than they loved him?

However, Taemin also learned to listen, to take in every compliment addressed at him and keep it in his heart. He learned to tell Jonghyun and Kibum about his insecurities and they in turn did their best to make him feel loved, to shower him with affection, praise him for the things he did well and include him fully in their lives.

Another thing that only hit Taemin much later was the fact that he still only knew fractures of both Kibum and Jonghyun. The more he spent time with them, the more things he discovered which he had been unaware about before.

Jonghyun was the king of overthinking. Not only did he still struggle with depression and anxiety despite taking medication for both – the issue was part of his daily life and he would always wonder for hours on end if he was doing everything right, if he was making Taemin or Kibum uncomfortable, if he had said something wrong during the day.

“There’s too many things in my head, too many things that I’m constantly thinking about,” he confessed when he and Taemin were walking the dogs on a windy December afternoon.

The biting cold had been enough to keep Kibum holed up in his and Jonghyun’s room, but the older boy had insisted on going over to the pet shelter despite not being on duty that day, and Taemin had agreed to join him.

Now they were strolling through an empty park, hand in hand, with three dogs by their sides. Taemin thought the scene was awfully domestic, but he enjoyed it nonetheless – it made him dream of the future, of a time when he would be as familiar with Jonghyun and Kibum as they were with each other.

“So what do you think about, hyung?” Taemin curiously asked.

He had known that Jonghyun was a person with many thoughts, yet he couldn’t imagine what was actually going on inside his boyfriend’s head.

“Well, let me take this as an example,” Jonghyun began. “I don’t think we ever talked about this before, but Kibum and I used to sleep with each other. Of course we did.”

Taemin almost choked on his own saliva. He hoped to god he wasn’t turning red, but there was something about the way Jonghyun had brought up the topic without a warning that had thrown Taemin off completely.

He buried himself deeper into his scarf, if only to hide his blush, and nodded for Jonghyun to continue.

“That actually sounds like I don’t want to do…that anymore, but that’s not what I meant. I want to be intimate with Kibum, I think that’s naturally part of our relationship. Unless…does that make you uncomfortable?”

Even though he could feel himself growing hotter and hotter under his coat, Taemin shook his head. He would be lying if he claimed he had never thought of Jonghyun and Kibum like that. In fact, he wasn’t even ashamed to admit it, but the whole situation was too awkward to bear.

“Okay. I guess we’re on the same page then,” Jonghyun smiled, but he was acting more timid than usual.

“So, I want to sleep with Kibum and I want to…I want to sleep with you, too. Of course – I like you a lot, Minnie, and I want to be with you for a long time. But right now, I can’t be intimate with either of you.

“It’s because I’m already an adult, and neither you nor Kibum are. You’re both minors and will be for quite a while, and I think it’s my duty as the oldest to hold back and make sure nothing bad happens to any of us.”

“Hmm,” Taemin hummed.

He was still trying to get over the fact that Jonghyun had just confessed he wanted to have sex with him at some point – that wasn’t weird at all, of course, but it was still enough to make Taemin sweat, especially since his thoughts were running wild now.

“I think about that all the time,” Jonghyun meanwhile continued to explain as he rummaged through his left pocket for some dog treats. “Wait, no, I don’t think about sex all the time. I mean, I keep asking myself if I’m doing the right thing, if it’s morally wrong to think about you two like that.

“Sometimes I even wonder if I should be with you, but it hurts to imagine being without you and as long as I keep the two of you from getting hurt, I should be fine. I know that.”

He sent Taemin a sheepish smile that luckily did its part at distracting the younger from any non-PG thoughts.

“That’s an example of how I keep overthinking. It happens with other things too, for example with Kibum’s gender. I’ve known him for years, but I still wonder all the time if I’m doing things right.”

“Don’t worry, I’m like that too,” Taemin honestly told him while he stood still in the middle of the path, reaching out to pet Jonghyun’s favorite dachshund from the shelter.

“I don’t want Kibum to ever get hurt,” he confessed as he gently tickled the dog’s ears. “Hyung doesn’t deserve that. You don’t deserve it either.”

“You know what, Min?”

Jonghyun, too, had bent down and was crouching next to Taemin, his eyes wide and full of honesty.

“You keep saying that about us two, but I think you should include yourself too. You’re really special.”

“But hyung, I’m just-“

“No, you’re not just.”

Jonghyun shook his head and then, suddenly, a big smile bloomed on his face.

“You’re Taemin, and I like you very much the way you are. And I’m older than you, so stop disagreeing with me, you little brat, and let me feed the dog some treats.”

_______________________________

There were many more things Taemin found out about Jonghyun and Kibum – some were endearing, some made his heart flutter, but some also made his chest clench painfully.

It took Taemin months to first notice Key’s scars. At first, it was beyond him how he had never noticed, but later on he realized that as they became more comfortable around each other, Key showed him more vulnerable parts of herself.

It was only now that Taemin was truly beginning to understand what it meant to be non-binary – and what impact her gender had on Key.

He learned about the bad days – the days when she wouldn’t leave the bed, when she refused to look in the mirror. One time, he heard her throw up in the midst of taking a shower and later, she confirmed it was because she hated her body so much that day.

Taemin also learned about the fear Key lived with. She was always afraid, afraid of being found out, of being cursed at, of being hurt and cast out by the ones surrounding her. Before she went to school, she spent half an hour in the bathroom just to make sure no one could tell from looking at her that she felt like a girl, or like nothing at all.

Even though her father was gone from her life, she hid her wigs in the closet for months after moving in with Jonghyun – and the pictures, her precious pictures, were also gone, hidden from everyone but Key herself.

Then, many weeks after they had confessed to each other, Taemin found out about the tiny blade Key kept hidden in her drawer. He saw the red and white lines littering her inner thighs and the sides of her torso when she got changed in front of him like she had nothing to hide.

And even though he had seen much worse on her, the scars and cuts made Taemin feel sick to a point where he thought he would throw up. For over a day, he couldn’t eat and every time he tried to talk to Key, his throat was blocked by a gigantic lump that kept him from getting any proper words out.

Finally, Taemin broke. It wasn’t Jonghyun he first spoke to but Minho, Minho who had been ecstatic to hear about their relationship and who pulled Taemin into a hug even before the younger boy had started crying.

Minho was also the one who suggested Taemin should talk to Jonghyun and after a few days of mustering up all of his courage, he approached his boyfriend.

When Taemin mentioned the scars all over Key’s skin, Jonghyun’s eyes darkened and the corners of his mouth turned downwards the slightest bit.

“I’m sorry you had to find out like that,” he sighed as he stroked the back of Taemin’s hand with two fingers. “I should have warned you, probably. But I still find it shocking every time I see them. It’s as if she hasn’t been hurt enough times yet…”

He let his head fall onto Taemin’s shoulder and the younger rested his cheek on top, grateful for the warmth and the comfort Jonghyun could provide.

“But it’s her way of coping with her pain,” the older went on. “Just like I do music. And even if it’s not healthy or good, I think we need to accept that. After all, it could be way worse. You and I both know it actually used to be worse.”

His words ended up stuck in Taemin’s head for a long time. He wondered about them, wondered if he could let such a thing slip or if it was his duty as her boyfriend to ask Key to stop.

In the end, Taemin didn’t say anything – he didn’t even tell her that he knew about her habit. He and Jonghyun had silently vowed to keep it to themselves, their comfort and the pain that came with seeing Key hurt herself.

Slowly, Taemin learned to accept the cutting as part of Key’s personality, like all the other things he had found out about gradually.

_________________________________

Nonetheless, Taemin’s new relationship brought him a happiness he hadn’t known before. Finally, after many months of wishful thinking, he was beginning to feel like he belonged. Having Kibum and Jonghyun who spent their time with him, who kissed him and told him how much they liked him, put Taemin at peace.

However, now he once again realized how much had changed yet again.

Slowly but surely, he and Jongin grew closer again. Kibum’s brother had learned to live with what his father had done, and he had been a great help at moving most of Key’s belongings to Jonghyun’s house.

After that, Jongin had begun to hang out with Taemin again.

At first, their encounters were more than awkward because neither of them knew what to talk about. Then, Jongin introduced Taemin to his new group of friends and things became easier.

But among it all, Taemin still noticed the slightest change in their relationship. Jongin was friends with a group of people from the grade above them – with Kyungsoo, who was born in the same year as Taemin, with Baekhyun and Jongdae and Chanyeol and a few more that Taemin didn’t talk to often.

They were all nice, yet at the end of the day, Taemin always found himself gravitating towards Kibum and Minho.

Bit by bit, he began to realize that he and Jongin may never go back to being best friends again – or maybe not to the way they treated each other before everything had happened. Taemin didn’t feel regretful.

He was happy he had Jongin by his side again, but at the same time, he knew that their time had passed. He had Minho now, and Jinki, who he got along with very well despite their big age gap.

And then of course, there were Kibum and Jonghyun and Taemin wouldn’t trade either of them for anything in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe the first part of this story is called 'let's talk about sex, baby' and i finally made them talk about sex in the very last chapter! this is terrible >.<  
maybe you noticed that i limited this story to 30 chapters. it's true - the next chapter will be my very last update. i can't believe we're here already, it felt like we still had miles to go but i guess in the end it happened and we're done. at least the wait is over and jongtaekey are finally together!   
i know some of you may have missed some fluff (except for the jongtae scenes scattered throughout this) - i acc wrote one or two more scenes for this au, but i'm not sure if i'll upload them. if i do, they will be oneshots. i acc had tons of headcanons for jongtaekey and their life together, which i'll share next week. if you want me to elaborate on something specific or you have a scene you would like to see written, feel free to tell me - i'm trying to get back into english writing before uni starts in two months and some lighthearted (or angsty) short story prompts are just what i need! if you want to see a specific dynamic (like jongkey, since we didn't get a lot of that, or jongtae, or even minkey), tell me that too!  
i'll probably talk a whole lot more abt this next week, but i really wanted to thank all of you. this part acc has a lot more active subscribers than the first one, and it felt rlly encouraging to know that some of you could relate to this story, or simply enjoyed reading it. i certainly did enjoy writing it - it's my first idea that feels like it has potential, and as i've mentioned countless times, i'm working on perfecting it. but it's definitely thanks to you that i feel a bit more confident about this project and that i am so motivated to keep working on it! so thank you to everyone who read, subscribed, gave kudos and/or commented. especially those who leave comments regularly - i feel very blessed to always see your little messages pop up! thank you again!  
last but not least, since this ride is almost over, feel free to tell me your favorite moment/chapter/scene in the comments :)  
with that, i hope you are having a great time and that you are all taking care of yourselves well. stay healthy and i'll see you next week!


	30. XXX - Byulroo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the epilogue of this story. thank you all for staying with me until here. i hope you enjoyed the ride, and maybe we'll hear from each other sometime.

April 8, 2010 was Jonghyun’s 20th birthday. Taemin had the date marked for months but when it arrived, he still wasn’t ready.

His alarm woke him up at 05:00 AM in the morning – upon hearing a familiar obnoxious song blaring from the tiny speakers, Taemin scrunched up his nose in distaste. He desperately wished he had gone to bed earlier last night.

His lids felt like they had been glued to his eyeballs and Taemin was tempted to just close them again and pretend he didn’t have anything to do for today.

However, his phone chimed a second time after he had turned off the alarm and when Taemin checked his notifications, he saw a new message from Kibum.

“I’m outside your house. Where are you?”

Groaning, Taemin allowed himself to bask in the warmth of his bedsheets for another second before heaving his pale legs over the edge of the mattress. He shivered when the cold air hit his skin – it was way too cold for April.

As Taemin staggered to the bathroom to spritz his face with cold water, he wished Jonghyun had been born in summer like Taemin himself. Kibum was worse off than both of them, though – his birthday was in September, the worst month of them all, when it was neither hot nor cold outside.

With a scowl on his face and a bottle of soda in hand, Taemin walked out of his home ten minutes later, his schoolbag slung over his shoulder messily.

The second Kibum spotted him the scolding started.

“You look like a mess, Taemin!” the older complained as he stepped close to fix Taemin’s sloppy tie.

The boy in question just groaned again and let his eyes fall shut, blindly leaning forward to steal a kiss. Kibum complied but wiped his mouth with a disgusted expression afterwards.

“You stink.”

“May as well get used to it,” Taemin grumbled as he took Kibum’s hand. “You’ll be stuck with me for a long time. Are we leaving?”

“We are.”

Kibum pulled him along, leading the way to the bus station like he was the one living here.

“Honestly, you’re both gross,” he kept whining on the way. “Jjong does that, too. He always tries to kiss me before brushing his teeth. Why can’t you understand that morning breath is disgusting?”

“Ah, I’m so glad I have Jonghyun-hyung. He always agrees with me.”

Taemin smirked.

“God, I’m breaking up with you!”

Kibum shook his hand in exasperation, but contrary to his previous statement, he gripped Taemin’s hand tighter.

The two were lucky that morning. The bus came right after they reached the stop and they ended up arriving at their destination almost fifteen minutes earlier than planned.

“You have no idea what I had to go through to leave the house earlier,” Kibum ranted as he stood leaning against the wall, his arms crossed.

“Oh, please elaborate.”

Taemin was a lot more awake by now. He found it incredibly amusing to watch Kibum complain about everything around him – the older was the one claiming to be a morning person, but his grumpy expression said otherwise.

“Jjong – that fool – doesn’t only have the lightest sleep ever – he also likes to sleep all tangled up with someone, preferably with me, which can be quite inconvenient sometimes. I had to summon all of my hidden ninja powers to get out of bed without waking him.”

“Hidden ninja powers, huh?”

Taemin raised an eyebrow, but his heart was swelling because he found Kibum incredibly endearing, even when he was in a bad mood.

“Is Sodam-noona preparing everything?” Taemin then wanted to know.

Kibum nodded.

“She’s picking us up in half an hour. When do you have to be at school?”

“As usual. Come on, you can’t tell me you’ve forgotten that since you graduated. It hasn’t even been three months!”

“The moment I finished my finals, I deleted all school stuff from my mind,” Kibum announced. “These three years were just too stressful for me. I don’t want anything to do with it for now.”

“Says the one who got top marks. What was your overall rank at your school? Three? Four?”

“Two, actually. But I know you didn’t forget that, sweetie.”

Just when Kibum cheekily winked at Taemin, the door next to them opened to reveal Jonghyun’s boss who was wearing a giant smile on his face.

“Please come in, Taemin-ssi, Kibum-ssi! Have you been waiting outside for long.”

“We’re fine, thanks for asking, uncle,” Kibum replied with a charming grin as they stepped into the building.

As usual, they were greeted by excited barking and tail-wagging to their left and right. Taemin immediately went over to one of the cages, reaching through the gaps between the metal bars to pet his favorite dog’s head.

She seemed to thank him with another small bark and Taemin turned away, smiling.

“So, where is our little one? Is she ready?”

“It’s weird to hear you refer to something as little one,” Kibum snickered. “On the other hand, Jjong’s even smaller than you, so…”

At that moment, the owner of the pet shelter approached them with a tiny bundle in his arms. Even though Taemin had seen the puppy before, his heart melted at the sight in front of him.

“Can I take her?” he shyly asked and Jonghyun’s boss placed the small dog in his arms with a smile.

“I’m happy she’s going to an actual home now,” he said. “And one where I know she will be treated well at that. I just hope Jonghyun doesn’t quit here when he gets this young lady.”

“He won’t!” Kibum reassured the man. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he drags me here later, actually. Not even his own birthday could keep him away from his beloved animals.”

They spent the time until Sodam arrived tending to the puppy and petting some of the animals at the shelter. The cats had always seemed to love Kibum and not even the puppy’s smell could keep them away from him.

Just like every time he visited the shelter, Taemin ended up feeling a bit melancholic. He loved most of the animals there, and the fact that most of them wouldn’t get a new owner for a long time left him a bit sad.

However, he knew he had to pick himself up again as to not become a hypocrite – how could he tell Jonghyun not to worry about the pets when he wasn’t any better himself?

Sodam arrived at the shelter on time and together, the three of them placed the puppy on the backseat and after thanking Jonghyun’s boss for his help, they drove off.

“Hey, where are you going, noona?” Kibum protested loudly when Jonghyun’s sister took a wrong turn, but she just chuckled.

“We’re picking up Minho. He wouldn’t stop pestering me so I agreed he could be present when Jjong receives his gift.”

“That idiot.”

Kibum rolled his eyes. Five minutes later, he greeted Minho with a smirk.

“Ah, our volleyball player. Have you made time in your busy schedule to visit your old friends?”

“Stop bullying me, Kibum,” Minho retorted. “You’re just jealous I got a volleyball scholarship while you only got grade A on most of your finals.”

“Why would I be jealous? I’d rather be smart than good at sports!”

“Well – good thing I’m both!”

They continued bickering all the way to Jonghyun’s house where Sodam parked in her usual spot, turning around to face the two silly people in the backseat.

“Okay. One of you is gonna stay with the puppy while I get Jjong. Minho, Taemin, you’re coming with me.”

Thus, Kibum was left alone in the car while the other three walked up to the front door. Jonghyun was already up and about when they stepped into the narrow hallway, waving at them from where he was sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of tea.

Minho immediately ran over to pull him into a hug while Taemin chose to approach slowly. Suddenly, he was unsure about the way he should approach Jonghyun – it would be weird to kiss him while everyone was watching, but at the same time, that was what Taemin really wanted to do.

Luckily, Jonghyun made a decision for him. Once he had freed himself from Minho’s bear hug, he got up and walked straight over to Taemin, cupping his cheeks and pulling him in. Though it lasted a few seconds, their kiss was sweet and innocent.

When they broke apart, Taemin made sure to embrace Jonghyun as well, whispering a small, “happy birthday, hyung.”

Sodam also congratulated her brother with a slap on the back of his head, saying he should stop making her worry about him from now on.

“But it’s not my fault, noona,” Jonghyun pouted. “I can’t help it.”

“Don’t worry, Jjong, I know. I love you.”

Taemin nodded in agreement – though he hadn’t said these three words to Jonghyun yet, he knew for sure that was how he felt.

“By the way, where’s Bum?” Jonghyun asked after a few seconds, looking around confusedly.

His question made Taemin smile – he was excited to see Jonghyun’s reaction to the gift they had gotten him.

“You’ll have to go outside to see him,” Sodam told him, her eyes sparkling with mischief. “Come on, put on your shoes. Kibum will get cranky if we keep him waiting for long.”

“True,” Taemin mumbled under his breath as the four of them stepped out of the house a few moments later.

“Where is he? Is this a joke?”

Jonghyun was still looking around in search of Kibum, who was still sitting on the backseat of the car with the puppy on his lap.

“Maybe you should go look inside the car, hyung,” Taemin told his boyfriend, who immediately turned towards the vehicle.

“Why is Kibum in the car? What is he-“

He immediately stopped talking when the back door of the car was opened from the inside and Kibum peeked out.

“Jjongie? Come here to let me wish you a happy birthday?”

His question sounded very sweet, but Taemin knew about the intention behind his words. Jonghyun, however, was still oblivious. He made his way over to the car with an innocent expression, completely unsuspecting.

Then, he froze again.

“You didn’t-“

The two minutes that followed were a complete mess. Taemin had expected Jonghyun to be happy about his present, but he was left shocked when his boyfriend burst into tears at the sight of the tiny dog in Kibum’s arms.

Kibum immediately handed the dog over to a surprised Minho and pulled Jonghyun into his arms, letting the older bury his head in his chest as he sobbed.

“Shhh, you’re fine, hyung, don’t cry,” he tried to soothe Jonghyun, but the older only cried harder at Kibum’s words.

“I c-can’t believe you’d get me a dog. She’s so beautiful!”

Jonghyun’s teary exclamation startled Taemin from his trance-like state. With the smallest yet fondest smile, he too walked over and then, all three of them were hugging each other tightly.

“I’m so sorry,” Jonghyun sniffled as he struggled to lift his hand and wipe away his tears. “I’m just so so happy. I didn’t think…”

“Hey, it’s fine,” Kibum gently told him as Taemin squeezed them as hard as he could. “She’s from the litter of your favorite dog.”

“You know, hyung, the one we always take on walks,” Taemin added and now, Jonghyun was giggling.

“Of course I know, silly. What kind of person would I be if I forgot that?”

They kept hugging for a few more seconds before distangling themselves from each other. In an instant, Jonghyun had taken the puppy from Minho who still looked confused as ever. He ran his hand over her head ever so lightly and when he turned back to Kibum and Taemin, his eyes were sparkling.

“I guess we’re a family of four now, right.”

And that was how Jonghyun got his beloved dog Roo on his 20th birthday – and even years later, he still swore she was the best gift he had ever received (even if Taemin and Key knew he was lying because he also kept telling them they were the presents that he didn’t deserve but had still gotten somehow).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe it's over.   
really, posting this epilogue-ish chapter feels kind of unreal. i started to write this story in eleventh grade during my free periods, on the public computers our school provided for students. it's been over two years since then and i can't believe today marks the end of this journey.  
but at the same time i'm happy because i like how the story turned out. when i started, i wasn't sure yet where it was going to lead. at the very beginning, i always envisioned a very sad ending. but since then, a lot happened and as i wrote more and more abt the characters, i felt like this ending fit them well.  
(tw dysphoria) i already announced that i was gonna share some headcannons with you, so if you are interested in how i imagine taemin's life to go on after this story, here they are:  
-jongkey enlist after key turns 19 because they want to get their enlistment over with quickly; key is stationed in seoul but jonghyun is stationed somewhere else, which means he doesn't get to see taemina and key a whole lot during his service  
-enlistment is especially hard for key to endure because she has to go back to hiding her gender right after finally gaining the freedom to express herself; she often calls taemin crying, but she knows that she has to finish her service anyway  
-she gets discharged one day before jjong and they both go to pick him up with sodam and mama kim (whose real last name isn't actually kim, but she took it because of her children)  
-after their discharge, key studies english and japanese in seoul while jjong tries a few things but he's not really happy with anything  
-taemin has also finished school by now and a year after jongkey's discharge, they move into a tiny apartment together  
-taemin also introduces key and jjong to his parents; his mum is first and he's really nervous, but she just laughs and promises to help with taem's dad; mr. lee isn't too happy about his sons relationship at first, but he comes around after a while and tries to be understanding  
-key gets a job at a café where she can freely express her gender identity thanks to the owner's son, who is really openminded and helps her when people are rude to her  
-one day, taemin stumbles upon a job vacancy in the newspaper; he shows jjong and jonghyun decides to apply  
-on the day of his interview, jjong is super nervous; he enters the huge building in Gangnam with a fluttering heart and a sick feeling in his stomach; there are at least fifteen other applicants and they are asked to come into the radio studio and speak a few lines each before their interview; after, jjong has to wait with the others in a corridor, but before he's called up a long-haired man rushes towards them; "who is it?" he asks and when everyone stays silent and stares at him, he lets out a huge sigh. "go on, say something," he orders and the applicant at the end of the row starts to speak; before he can finish, the man cuts him off with a gesture; "next."; jjong almost passes out before it's his turn but after squeezing out two words, the man claps once and grabs his wrist; "finished, we're done here," he says and pulls a baffled jjong up; "you, come with me!"  
-turns out the man was heechul, one of the head producers at the radio station; he wants to hire jjong on the spot to fill in for a sick colleague in his late night show, but the other staff still want to interview him first; ultimately, jjong does get the job and soon enough, he's the host of blue night; a few months later, he quits university to work as a dj fulltime  
-during her last year at uni, key is chosen for a trip to japan with her favorite prof and a few other students; jjong is super jealous because there is this guy called woohyun and he just doesn't trust him - taemin finds it very amusing to see jonghyun act like this  
-finally, i think that they'd look into adoption at some point in their lives; internationally of course, since they can't even get married in korea, but i think especially key wouldn't let that stop her - she'd make a great parent  
these are my headcannons, at least the ones i can think of. and yes, jjong is a dj in my head. i always feel like he's made for that job, or the job is made for him.  
i also have some headcannons for ming, but i'm running out of space. he's quite the recognized volleyball player by the way. he also meets a girl in his first year in college and they accidentally get pregnant, but he's actually really happy about the news. ming best dad.  
and i guess this is it.  
i wanted to say thank you AGAIN to everyone who read, especially those who left me encouraging comments along the way. you are the best, thank you for keeping me motivated!  
i hope all of you are staying safe! i wish you all the best, even if there won't be regular updates from now on - but you all rock! take care

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [Insta](https://www.instagram.com/_artistic_whale_/?hl=de)!


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